Finances in a relationship?

[BrennaR]

I've been in two relationships with the same money situation. It was me who acquired debt while trying to keep up with the boyfriend. Never again. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than try to be 50/50 with a wealthy person. Their spending far exceeded my usual spending and to match their spending I suffered financially for it. 

[smackie9]

18 minutes ago, BrennaR said:

I've been in two relationships with the same money situation. It was me who acquired debt while trying to keep up with the boyfriend. Never again. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than try to be 50/50 with a wealthy person. Their spending far exceeded my usual spending and to match their spending I suffered financially for it. 

It didn't work because you had to "keep up" You were obviously with the wrong type of guy. There is no "keeping up" with me and my husband, and he makes double what I make. We don't live an extravagant life style and that is what is key when you go 50/50. We live within our means, and we sock away our savings...it's called compatibility. 

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, BrennaR said:

I've been in two relationships with the same money situation. It was me who acquired debt while trying to keep up with the boyfriend. Never again. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than try to be 50/50 with a wealthy person. Their spending far exceeded my usual spending and to match their spending I suffered financially for it. 

Why would someone that cared about you enough to be in a relationship with you LET you put yourself in a financial bind like that.  By LET, I mean why would he not have simply "make up the difference" so that you were not forced into a bad situation/debt.  This all seems like some sort of GAME and it really shouldn't be.  I assuming (I know it's not acceptable to assume) that you are in a relationship with someone who GENUINELY cares about you (one another).  

Edited April 8, 2020 by simpycurious

[BrennaR]

32 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

Why would someone that cared about you enough to be in a relationship with you LET you put yourself in a financial bind like that.  By LET, I mean why would he not have simply "make up the difference" so that you were not forced into a bad situation/debt.  This all seems like some sort of GAME and it really shouldn't be.  I assuming (I know it's not acceptable to assume) that you are in a relationship with someone who GENUINELY cares about you (one another).  

Obviously they didn't care enough/ had their own fears ruling them instead of focusing on us. And what worked for us. These were not equal or trusting relationships, hence they are in the past. 

[simpycurious]

50 minutes ago, BrennaR said:

Obviously they didn't care enough/ had their own fears ruling them instead of focusing on us. And what worked for us. These were not equal or trusting relationships, hence they are in the past. 

Probably where they belong.....

[salparadise]

Nothing has been mentioned about marriage, a proposal, or even the duration and seriousness of the current relationship. Yet here we have the OP eyeballing his inheritance/family money and opening an interrogatory discussion as to what she can expect in terms of a lifestyle upgrade based on those assets... keeping in mind that their income is about the same. Hell, I think he answered the question exactly right –– only an awkward silence and a raised eyebrow would've been better. She's tipping her hand, digging her own hole.

As @central stated on p.2, inheritance, as well as assets owned prior to a marriage, is hands off when it comes to diving up. She's simply barking up the wrong tree, not to mention the worst imaginable timing. I think it's obvious that, if married, she would benefit from him having some extra money, but here she is trying to nail him down and extract commitments. Ugh. Not a good look. Also, unless she has considerable assets of her own (which she doesn't appear to), 15X isn't that much. 

If I were him, I'd be rethinking. Cookies got it right –– she just needs a sugga daddy arrangement, and this guy has too much sense for that. Hell, she could probably be working 3-4 sugga daddies at once.

Edited April 9, 2020 by salparadise

[NomiMalone]

OP briefly mentioned cultural differences in her first post. I’m starting to think maybe she’s not from a Western country (though her boyfriend might be), and so might see the topic of sharing finances before marriage differently to most of us on here. 

Whilst I’d never think of asking a boyfriend to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on a dream home for me, maybe this isn’t an unusual expectation in non Western nations. 

Just a thought. 

[simpycurious]

He is not committed IMO thus he wants a SHARED arrangement (financially speaking).  I would not think it would be a GOOD IDEA to ever buy/purchase jointly if you are in a casual or non-committed relationship. 

Edited April 9, 2020 by simpycurious

[Miss Spider]

Fair point but pretty sure  Op has said in the past she’s  from the US. 

[NomiMalone]

34 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Fair point but pretty sure  Op has said in the past she’s  from the US. 

I meant country of birth.

[Kballer]

His first mistake... with many to follow... was telling her where, and how, he gets his wealth.. I'm not going to go all "New Testament" on you.. But the bible says that these types of decisions, specifically financial, are that of the MAN to make and handle.. Do I think that women are smart enough, or capable enough, or trustworthy enough to make financial decisions-YES!   However... Marriage is all about COMPROMISE... Some things the man should allow his woman to control without questioning her decision.. he should support her decision in those matters 100%. On the flip side... On those decisions that the man has to make, the woman should support 100% as well, and NOT question those decisions in any manner. It's not a sexist outlook on life. It's just a realization of what things "work" in a long term, monogamous, relationship. You can dislike what I'm saying.. But any, or most, marriage counselors will tell you that there needs to be a clear delineation between responsible decisions made within a marriage, that BOTH parties need to support.  A marriage is a partnership in which both parties bring their best attributes forward to support the success of the relationship. If my future wife is better, or smarter, or more knowledgeable in areas than I am, you can bet I will defer to her to make those decisions for us.. Likewise, in the areas where my experience shines, I expect her to take a supportive role and simply embrace the decisions that I make. It really is that that simple. I understand that society is trying to push this "all things are equal" decision upon all of us, but that is not reality.  The only thing achieved by both parties inputting their feelings on a decision is that often times compromises will be made, and the wrong outcome will be achieved, simply because of societal pressures and expectations. Yes... This is not a popular thought on how "marriage" should go.. But disregard your "feelings" and talk to couples that have been married for 50+ years and ask them how this stuff goes.. You can't argue with success, but you probably will.... and it will be to your detriment. Those that have "walked the walk" and have made it work, are the ones I will listen to, and emulate, every time.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, NomiMalone said:

OP briefly mentioned cultural differences in her first post. I’m starting to think maybe she’s not from a Western country (though her boyfriend might be), and so might see the topic of sharing finances before marriage differently to most of us on here. 

General question to a few of you who've raised this: where did the OP say that she wants to share finances before marriage?   I read it as a broader discussion about how finances may work between them.    I mean, one doesn't want to leave this discussion till after marriage.

Edited April 9, 2020 by basil67

[Miss Spider]

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

General question to a few of you who've raised this: where did the OP say that she wants to share finances before marriage?   I read it as a broader discussion about how finances may work between them.    I mean, one doesn't want to leave this discussion till after marriage.

Not something that should be vague until after marriage,  but not typically before you are in a serious enough relationship where that is a possibility. I think this isn’t  a discussion many people have(in the way op described, not because  they’re ignorant of  how the other person feels about money, but because this stuff usually comes out  in the dating process. Like in Brenna’s situation where either one person struggles to keep up or the other person picks up the slack or lives a lot more modestly so there’s no incompatibility. I also understand there are people who see no problem with discussing this on the first date and went to keep finances completely separate. It worked for my aunt and uncle even though I have my own opinion about it 

Edited April 9, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[salparadise]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

General question to a few of you who've raised this: where did the OP say that she wants to share finances before marriage?   I read it as a broader discussion about how finances may work between them.    I mean, one doesn't want to leave this discussion till after marriage.

I don't recall her saying that, but the context is conspicuously absent any mention of marriage. I agree that the appropriateness of this discussion would hinge on that actually being on the table. My sense is that she's trying to size the situation up waaaaay before. Since they make about the same income, figuring out whether she's going to be able to access his parent's assets is key to the deal from her perspective. I'd venture that she's never sat down at poker table in her life. She must be a hot one through... trying to figure out if this is worth her time and effort.

[basil67]

@salparadise so it's all assumption on your part.

[basil67]

7 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Not something that should be vague until after marriage,  but not typically before you are in a serious enough relationship where that is a possibility. I think this isn’t  a discussion many people have(in the way op described, not because  they’re ignorant of  how the other person feels about money, but because this stuff usually comes out  in the dating process. Like in Brenna’s situation where either one person struggles to keep up or the other person picks up the slack or lives a lot more modestly so there’s no incompatibility. I also understand there are people who see no problem with discussing this on the first date and went to keep finances completely separate. It worked for my aunt and uncle even though I have my own opinion about it 

Indeed.  How do you know that the OP is not in serious enough relationship where it's not a possibility?

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

General question to a few of you who've raised this: where did the OP say that she wants to share finances before marriage?   I read it as a broader discussion about how finances may work between them.    I mean, one doesn't want to leave this discussion till after marriage.

Several people asked OP to clarify her r/s and all she said was this:

On 4/6/2020 at 1:50 PM, heartbroken56 said:

And he’s my boyfriend - together 2 years and are thinking of moving in together once our leases expire. To answer the above questions on the seriousness of our relationship.

Living together is not the same as being married, and it's entirely reasonable for her bf to want to keep finances more or less 50/50.  I certainly don't see where she's entitled to a lifestyle upgrade simply because he has "15x more savings" than she does (and although family money is mentioned, it's not clear whether some, all, or none of that 15x is the result of family money, not that it matters).  They earn the same amount (as per OP) so there is no reason not to share expenses equally.  Savings are for long-term and/or big ticket items, not subsidizing a lifestyle.

Edited April 9, 2020 by introverted1

[Gr8fuln2020]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Several people asked OP to clarify her r/s and all she said was this:

Living together is not the same as being married, and it's entirely reasonable for her bf to want to keep finances more or less 50/50. 

It's not even engaged...People move in together for all kinds of reasons and many do not equate to, necessarily, any greater of a relationship commitment than before co-inhabiting.  

 

[d0nnivain]

I'll say it again, before marriage do NOT mix the money! Do talk about financial expectations & division of household labor before living together. 

In anticipation of marriage have long, painful, uncomfortable discussions about money which include full written disclosures.  

At this point I think it's premature to say that this BF of 2 years does not love the OP or is not fully committed because he wants her to pay half the bills if they live together.  If that was his expectation around a marriage I'd be more concerned about the depth of his commitment & his understanding that 2 become 1 but just to live together, love & money are different things.  

[Caauug]

10 hours ago, simpycurious said:

He is not committed IMO thus he wants a SHARED arrangement (financially speaking).  I would not think it would be a GOOD IDEA to ever buy/purchase jointly if you are in a casual or non-committed relationship. 

I agree !00% with this. He is not committed  to you and does not trust you. Leave now!!! This has red flags everywhere....  How dare he mistrust a potential future partner with money that his parents have worked hard for and wish to help their son with.  It doesn't matter that your SO may have done the "Hard yards" growing up as his parents saving the money, he is totally self-centered not wanting to sign it all over to you now.... This is not a sharing person you are looking for, break it off gently and find your true sole mate!!!!

Now to be honest.... Why wouldn't he want a future partner to be money wise? If his parents are off loading money, say for tax reasons, and he has been bought up to be frugal and care for that is hard earned, why would he want to throw it all away on a long shot and a little fluff??? Picture this.... Joint accounts with all cards played and money on the table…. 5 years, 2 bubs and a white picket later and she calls the cops with a "He hit me!!!" Yes it happens and why would anyone (male or female) not want inheritance money traceable for separation reasons??? Maybe I have been burned to much, but to just up and give someone money they have not earned, do not value, and have not proven that they can manage, does not sit well with me. 

Maybe if she can prove she can manage money and invest wisely to increase their financial wealth, she will be trusted with some of his parents money??? The end goal is not on how much money you can blow...

[preraph]

17 hours ago, BrennaR said:

I've been in two relationships with the same money situation. It was me who acquired debt while trying to keep up with the boyfriend. Never again. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than try to be 50/50 with a wealthy person. Their spending far exceeded my usual spending and to match their spending I suffered financially for it. 

I agree, but this one said they'd only do what SHE can afford to make up for that.  

[preraph]

Like any sensible person with money, he doesn't want any possibility that that's all a woman really wants him for OR that she will drain him.  And listen, it does happen.  A friend of mine, his new wife started demanding a new car before the reception was even over and then went on to just bleed him dry.  He was under the impression her parents were rich, and maybe they were, but if they were, they weren't stupid enough to endow her with money to blow, so she blew his.  Later, she stole her own son's identity (among others) and did credit card fraud (by her next husband) and ended up in prison.  It's perfectly logical for a person to want to filter out these people.  And this is how it starts. 

Edited April 9, 2020 by preraph

[smackie9]

18 hours ago, simpycurious said:

Why would someone that cared about you enough to be in a relationship with you LET you put yourself in a financial bind like that.  By LET, I mean why would he not have simply "make up the difference" so that you were not forced into a bad situation/debt.  This all seems like some sort of GAME and it really shouldn't be.  I assuming (I know it's not acceptable to assume) that you are in a relationship with someone who GENUINELY cares about you (one another).  

TBH I was more financially secure than he was for years. He had to pull up his boot straps if we were gonna stick it out as a couple, and he wasn't taking any handouts from me. Together for 30 years now and this is how we have always lived...it's been great... I really take pleasure in seeing his joy when he spends his hard earned money on something and I encourage it. My attitude is that I don't measure a mans love for me out how much he's willing to be "generou$". I have a more modern view that women should stand on their own two feet and not depend on a man that way. Must be because I from a generation of women's liberation. I am fiercely independent when it comes to money and always have.

Combining each others money is more of a balancing act than you think. It's more of a game of, who's allowed to make a purchase, has to be approved by the other, and if not the arguments start.

[simpycurious]

13 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

TBH I was more financially secure than he was for years. He had to pull up his boot straps if we were gonna stick it out as a couple, and he wasn't taking any handouts from me. Together for 30 years now and this is how we have always lived...it's been great... I really take pleasure in seeing his joy when he spends his hard earned money on something and I encourage it. My attitude is that I don't measure a mans love for me out how much he's willing to be "generou$". I have a more modern view that women should stand on their own two feet and not depend on a man that way. Must be because I from a generation of women's liberation. I am fiercely independent when it comes to money and always have.

Combining each others money is more of a balancing act than you think. It's more of a game of, who's allowed to make a purchase, has to be approved by the other, and if not the arguments start.

I suppose everyone is so different in regards to finances. I would want someone that I was with to have anything that I have or access.  Maybe, I am not too "bright" in this line of thinking.

[smackie9]

Some are ok with traditional roles, some aren't. Like I said it all boils down to compatibility...spending habits, expectations...both have to be like minded or it won't work.

Edited April 9, 2020 by smackie9