Finances in a relationship?

[Miss Spider]

16 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

Donnivain, I always enjoy your posts but I don't see it your way on this one.  If you have A LOT and are with someone who doesn't have as much and YOU make the coincidence decison (of your own FREE WILL) to "subsidize"/"take up more of the expenses"  then you can.  I won't use the old expression that kinda goes along with this but IT'S your MONEY. 

Yes simpy but the key is it is your decision! Like maybe he wants to treat OP by paying for things. . Otherwise, I think it should be 50/50. He shouldn’t have to AGREE to pay for more, basically what OP wants but can’t afford, , in a discussion. That’s why i. don’t think it’s a good sign for a couple to be drawing financial lines in the sand ahead of time if  they don’t need to. It’s very tit for tat and kind of tacky! 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

That said, in a relationship, one partner should not come into it expecting that the wealthier partner will subsidize a lifestyle upgrade.  

I think finding attractive and "desiring" a particular quality or qualities in a partner such as the desire to share and be generous (above and beyond what they choose to share with their partner) is far different from "expecting" a partner to possess those qualities or expecting them to subsidize his/her lifestyle because of how financially well off they are. 

Edited April 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[simpycurious]

6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yes simpy but the key is it is your decision! Like maybe he wants to treat OP by paying for things. . Otherwise, I think it should be 50/50. He shouldn’t have to AGREE to pay for more, basically what OP wants but can’t afford, , in a discussion. That’s why i. don’t think it’s a good sign for a couple to be drawing financial lines in the sand ahead of time if  they don’t need to. It’s very tit for tat and kind of tacky! 

Like I have said before, I REALLY enjoy your insight Cookie and find it to be very helpful and informative.  I just never put that much thought into the whole "money" thing.  I do something because I CAN and because I WANT TOO.  It's kinda that simple to me.  I would also agree the financial lines IN THE BEGINNING of a relationship or a potential relationship is probably not a good sign.  Sometimes PEOPLE do things for others because they SIMPLY want too.  They want someone to have this or that without any strings attached.  I guess my mindset on all of this warped. 

Edited April 8, 2020 by simpycurious

[Miss Spider]

9 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

Like I have said before, I REALLY enjoy insight Cookie and find it to be very helpful and informative.  I just never put that much thought into the whole "money" thing.  I do 

something because I CAN and because I WANT TOO.  It's kinda that simple to me.  I would also agree the financial lines IN THE BEGINNING of a relationship or a potential 

relationship is probably not a good sign.  Sometimes PEOPLE do things for others because they SIMPLY want too.  They want someone to have this or that without any strings

attached.  I guess my mindset on all of this warped. 

No!!  Thar  is very gentlemanly, simpy. You really are.  If I had a partner who was more well off, I would appreciate generosity on their part, just because I would do the same in that situation. I would lose a lot of interest in a partner in that situation who did not offer to pick up a bill etc with this knowledge. HOWEVER, I would never expect someone I’m dating to pay for things I otherwise could not afford. I wouldn’t be like “Babe,  let’s say hypothetically we wanted to buy something more than I could afford. Would you pay for most of it?” That is tacky to me.You don’t need to say. That behavior gets demonstrated throughout the relationship.   Maybe  op guy might have said that out of the same principle. Don’t know. 

Edited April 8, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[preraph]

(referring to Simpy's post above Cookies')

Which is how you end up with no savings.  They make the same.  No reason they shouldn't split expenses and keep everything within their budget without dipping into the savings.  I mean, who's stopping her from saving her own nestegg as well?  Then when they're ready to buy a house, they have to be willing to agree on a budget and both pitch in.  I don't think they'll ever get that far because she wants someone to spend money on her.  This isn't who either of them are looking for in a mate.  

 

 

Edited April 8, 2020 by preraph

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

No!!  Thar  is very gentlemanly, simpy. You really are.  If I had a partner who was more well off, I would appreciate generosity on their part, just because I would do the same in that situation. I would lose a lot of interest in a partner in that situation who did not offer to pick up a bill etc with this knowledge. HOWEVER, I would never expect someone I’m dating to pay for things I otherwise could not afford. I wouldn’t be like “Babe,  let’s say hypothetically we wanted to buy something more than I could afford. Would you pay for most of it?” That is tacky to me.  Maybe  op guy might have said that out of the same principle. Don’t know. 

cookie, you and I see it the exact same. Brilliant minds and all that. 

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, preraph said:

(referring to Simpy's post above Cookies')

Which is how you end up with no savings.  They make the same.  No reason they shouldn't split expenses and keep everything within their budget without dipping into the savings.  I mean, who's stopping her from saving her own nestegg as well?  Then when they're ready to buy a house, they have to be willing to agree on a budget and both pitch in.  I don't think they'll ever get that far because she wants someone to spend money on her.  This isn't who either of them are looking for in a mate.  

 

 

I thought I read OP's bf has 15x more money than she has.

Did I miss something? 

[preraph]

They make the same.  He has money from his family for savings.  She isn't entitled to share that unless they can both agree, after marriage, when or if to spend it.  

[simpycurious]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

cookie, you and I see it the exact same. Brilliant minds and all that. 

Please be mindful of THOSE OF US with less brilliance..............it's the DECENT thing to do

[poppyfields]

Just for the sake of this discussion, let’s compare OP’s situation with JFK, Jr. and his wife Carolyn Bissette after they married (and prior to their tragic deaths, may they RIP).

Prior to marriage, they both earned roughly the same amount of money; Carolyn worked for Calvin Klein, she may have even earned more than John, Jr.

BUT John had ALL that family money.  Trust fund, inheritance etc.  And once married, and I would imagine even before they married, he shared that wealth with her, his significant other and then wife, the woman he loved.

NOT by buying her expensive things (which I am sure he did anyway), but they traveled quite extensively, dined in the nicest restaurants, and of course they lived in his luxurious penthouse in NYC.

Can you imagine if John Jr. were like OP’s boyfriend and insisted that Carolyn split everything 50/50?

Can you imagine him forfeiting his wonderful lifestyle, living a lesser quality life, all because he refused to share what he had with the woman he loved and eventually married?

I can’t imagine that would ever happen, with any couple where one had significantly more money  than the other, except in situations like the OP’s where her bf is a miser.  

I am sorry, but he has 15x more money than she but still insisting everything be split 50/50, willing to downgrade "his" lifestyle all because he refuses to share.

There is just no other way to describe a person like him IMO..:(

Edited April 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[simpycurious]

Being a "miser" is not becoming IMO and certainly not where and how I was raised.  I will say this and really think about what I am saying......money is great, it affords you the ability to do and have a lot BUT if you cannot share IT with someone I PROMISE it is not nearly as much fun nor as fulfilling 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, simpycurious said:

Donnivain, I always enjoy your posts but I don't see it your way on this one.  If you have A LOT and are with someone who doesn't have as much and YOU make the coincidence decison (of your own FREE WILL) to "subsidize"/"take up more of the expenses"  then you can.  I won't use the old expression that kinda goes along with this but IT'S your MONEY. 

I never suggested that the wealthier person can't chose to be generous.  My umbrage is when the person with less money expects financial assistance early on, especially in a dating relationship. 

I've been on both sides of this.  When my BF made more I expected we'd do things in my price range.  If he wanted to do things I couldn't afford, he was free to do them but I wasn't going to try to keep up with him if I couldn't.  At that point most men I dated did treat me but I would have been perfectly OK not doing whatever expensive thing he wanted to do. 

Whenever I was the one with more money I just treated.  I've always had a cavalier attitude around money -- It's only money, we'll make more. 

 

55 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I think finding attractive and "desiring" a particular quality or qualities in a partner such as the desire to share and be generous (above and beyond what they choose to share with their partner) is far different from "expecting" a partner to possess those qualities or expecting them to subsidize his/her lifestyle because of how financially well off they are. 

Preferring a person with a generous spirit is fine.  Demanding that some new SO pay for you is where I draw the line. 

 

40 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I thought I read OP's bf has 15x more money than she has.

Did I miss something? 

I thought his net worth was 15x hers if you factored in his family money.   Their earnings were the same & as of now all that alleged wealth was in mom & dad's hands.  Plus it's a huge assumption on the OPs part.  Her BF's parents could be mortgaged to the hilt & under water.  She has no idea; she making assumptions based on what she thinks she sees.  

Edited April 8, 2020 by d0nnivain

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Preferring a person with a generous spirit is fine.  Demanding that some new SO pay for you is where I draw the line. 

Well yeah, me too!  Is that what OP is doing though, demanding he pay and expecting him to pay?

I will have to go back and read her initial post again, on first read, I didn't interpret that way, but could be wrong. 

Which brings me to ask, OP you still around? 

Curious what you think of all our responses. 

Edited April 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[d0nnivain]

I don't think she's demanding anything.  I think she was freaked out the 50/50 split & was wondering if that was OK / normal or some sign that he didn't love her. 

My POV is that you don't mix the money until you are married -- period.  How the bills get split is a personal decision.  DH & I were really weird about money in the beginning.  We had all these rules & I felt very odd about putting money in the same account.  Now a dozen years later it's one big pot but our relationship has flip flopped financially a few times.  The larger breadwinner has varied from year to year but right now because I'm self employed I'm not making any money; he gets a pay check.  We share but it took years to get to that comfort level.  

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 How the bills get split is a personal decision. 

I agree with this^^.

When my ex and I lived together (not married), he earned 5x what I earned so he paid for more.  This was before my dad's estate was settled after his death, and I came into my own money.

Anyway, had we split everything 50/50, we could never have lived in the apt we did, or traveled as much, or afforded the lifestyle we had.

I felt very fortunate to be with a man as generous as him, who actually enjoyed sharing.

But I respect your decision too d0nnivain, as you said it's a personal decision to be made by each couple. 

Edited April 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[simpycurious]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with this^^.

When my ex and I lived together (not married), he earned 5x what I earned so he paid for more.  This was before my dad's estate was settled after his death, and I came into my own money.

Anyway, had we split everything 50/50, we could never have lived in the apt we did, or traveled as much, or afforded the lifestyle we did.

I felt very fortunate to be with a man as generous as him, who actually enjoyed sharing.

But I respect your decision too d0nnivain, as you said it's a personal decision to be made by the couple. 

Poppy, he wanted to DO IT because he cared about you.  He could so he did. All this other nonsense about "handouts" is ridiculous.  I am going to BET that he LOVED every second of the time you spent with him and enjoyed traveling with you and living with you.  Also, I am going to venture to say that he didn't keep a LEDGER about who spent what....who does that?  

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

Also, I am going to venture to say that he didn't keep a LEDGER about who spent what....who does that?  

A miser.

Edited April 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[simpycurious]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

A miser.

and someone that does NOT appreciate Poppy Flowers

Edited April 8, 2020 by simpycurious

[Miss Spider]

I have to agree with my simpy and poppyfields fam. I don’t understand how someone could date someone when there’s a bunch of rules about money and they’re just DATING.

[simpycurious]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

I have to agree with my simpy and poppyfields fam. I don’t understand how someone could date someone when there’s a bunch of rules about money and they’re just DATING.

I am not a big fan of someone else mandating how I spend MY money.  

[preraph]

They're just not a match.  

[smackie9]

I'm all about paying 50/50 regardless of who makes more. I'm also against sharing bank accounts, phone plans, loans, pensions or credit cards. 30 years together and our fiances are still separate. We spend our own money how we see fit. 0 disagreements about money. 

You want a "generous" guy, np, they are out there...just have to find them.

[Gr8fuln2020]

If the guy is cheap, you'll find out soon enough. I agree that if you two are just dating, the conversation was premature. That's why I asked about your relationship in my first post. He is making the same amount of money but also getting help from parents? So, he isn't making the same amount? Or he is AND getting help from parents. Either way, the talk was way too soon if you two are JUST gf & bf. 

[preraph]

^ I agree with that, pretty much, but when you get old, it's good to put someone on a back account for if you get sick.  Sometimes there's no time to sign a power of attorney or whatever.  

[Miss Spider]

Op needs a sugar dad

 

Also the 15x more is oddly specific lol 

Edited April 8, 2020 by Cookiesandough