Finances in a relationship?

[CollinW]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Heartbroken, chiming in late but I’ve read all the posts and imo what this boils down to is financial incompatibility and different values re giving and sharing, and it’s not gonna get better!

Speaking for myself, I am a very generous person.  I was before I received my inheritance and after.  Only now I can afford to be "more" generous.

If someone were to ask me the qualities that attract me to a man, I would have to say generosity is one of them, always has been.

I don’t care if he’s a struggling poet, I find generosity in a man extremely attractive, and I do "not" necessarily mean monetarily generous either. 

Generous in what he "does" have and in spirit.  And possesses the ability and desire to "share."

I don’t get along well with tightwads, penny pinchers, and men like your boyfriend who even though he has 15 times more money than you have due to $$$ from his family, refuses to "share" what he has with the woman he supposedly loves.

Note I used the word “share” cause that is how I look at it.  Sharing. 

You mean to tell me that if you were to get married and purchase a house together, even though he has the money to afford a beautiful beachside 3-bedroom cottage (for example), because YOU don’t make the kind of money to afford that, he would actually agree to purchase a smaller, lesser-quality house and live a lower quality lifestyle, all because he refuses to share what he has with the woman he loves and married?

If so wow, that’s tight-wadding and penny pinching in the extreme imho.

In any event, I think you should think long and hard before committing to a person like this because like I said, this is financial incompatibility in the nth degree, and it ain't gonna get better; it goes to his character and his ability and desire to share his good fortune with the woman he claims to loves.

 

You sound entitled and solipsistic. Just because someone loves you doesn't mean you're entitled to their finances. The fact alone that the first thing you mentioned was how you're attracted to "generosity" as if your preferences should dictate a man's standards shows the solipsism. 

For the OP you dont seem offended because he's not reciprocating your "generosity", I think you were looking forward to him upgrading your lifestyle by supplementing his own income with his inheritances, and you've come to realize he's too smart for that. So now you're projecting the idea of him not covering you if something happens with him not being generous as a way to make your intentions seem less nefarious. You shouldn’t be counting his pockets in the first place, If you don't want to go 50/50 with him you can always go 100 by yourself. 

[Brandonmo]

I don't know if anyone has said this, but how are his parents around you? you say he's from a wealthy background so this could be his parents getting into his head with the idea of protecting him, thats what parents do naturally and in the case of wealthy ones they'd want to protect their investments(son) as well, I think you should talk to him about it and let him know where you're coming from if you think the issue would be a problem in the future

 

[NomiMalone]

15 hours ago, heartbroken56 said:

I grew up with a father who was the sole provider and I just don’t imagine my father saying my mother wouldn’t not be entitled to their assets for example if they ever divorced. Because while she financially couldn’t hit her ‘half’ of it, she provided for him and our family in different ways.

I agree OP... but (in the Western world) this tends to happen later when children come into the picture. Not so much when two young people are just dating, in this day and age. If you do go on to have kids with him and are required to put your career on the back burner whilst the kids grow up, then I agree that absolutely it becomes only fair that he contributes as the sole or main breadwinner to the family. 

At the end of the day what this comes down to is that everyone has their own view about finances within a relationship. You just have to find someone who’s views are compatible with yours. 

If its important to you that a man financially “looks after” you at this stage of dating (and there’s nothing wrong with that at all), or, as CollinW said, to upgrade your lifestyle, you might be better off finding a man who’ll do so happily. 

Mind you, the people I know who’ve chased that sort of lifestyle have found out that the fairytale really isn’t such a fairytale after all.

[elaine567]

Some people are naturally generous and some people just aren't.
Sounds like he isn't and that may be OK when you are just dating but you are about to move in together, get a home together and his suspicion and meanness are coming to the fore.
OK to bash women for being "gold diggers", but when kids come along it is usually the woman whose career goes down the toilet and if she is with a man determined to keep HIS money  to himself then she might a well be a single parent... 
Building a life together and having kids is all about sharing and if he seems to be lacking in the " sharing gene" department now then I doubt he will change later.

[stillafool]

On 4/6/2020 at 12:50 AM, heartbroken56 said:

My SO and I were talking about the future and I was shocked to know he was very 50/50 on how things should be split. We make about the same money but everything I have is on my own vs he has familial wealth and still gets help from his parents. For example he probably has 15x more money than I do from a savings/long term perspective. I guess I was shocked to hear that if we ever combined incomes and purchased an asset, he said he would only buy something with me that I could afford. It basically sounded like he couldn’t be generous to cover more for example if I didn’t have the funds to cover exactly half. I can’t help but feel offended at the statement since if we are building a life together, it felt like a penny pinching statement. I carry my weight (financially) in the relationship but I also just do not have as much as he does, and so I’m sad to know it doesn’t seem like he wants us to build out wealth together. It feels very separated.

How do I tackle this? And any advice? 

Tackle what?  his finances.  The only thing you can do is find a way to make more money to be equal to him or find a man who is on the same level financially as you.  Men are expecting equal partnership these days.  Some even switch places and are stay at home Dads while Mom goes to work.  I know several couples who are doing this now.  

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, CollinW said:

You sound entitled and solipsistic. Just because someone loves you doesn't mean you're entitled to their finances. The fact alone that the first thing you mentioned was how you're attracted to "generosity" as if your preferences should dictate a man's standards shows the solipsism. 

For the OP you dont seem offended because he's not reciprocating your "generosity", I think you were looking forward to him upgrading your lifestyle by supplementing his own income with his inheritances, and you've come to realize he's too smart for that. So now you're projecting the idea of him not covering you if something happens with him not being generous as a way to make your intentions seem less nefarious. You shouldn’t be counting his pockets in the first place, If you don't want to go 50/50 with him you can always go 100 by yourself. 

 

6 hours ago, CollinW said:

 

You misread my post completely. Or misunderstood it.

What I wrote was generosity and sharing are qualities I admire and find attractive in a man, as I myself am also quite generous and "love" to share.  

Like attracts like after all.  I don't expect it, I just find those qualities attractive.  Big difference. 

I also said that generosity does NOT necessarily mean monetarily (money or "things').

Hardly deems me "entitled" mate. 

Hope that clarifies, I don't have time to explain further. 

 

Edited April 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[Haerts]

6 hours ago, CollinW said:

You sound entitled and solipsistic. Just because someone loves you doesn't mean you're entitled to their finances. The fact alone that the first thing you mentioned was how you're attracted to "generosity" as if your preferences should dictate a man's standards shows the solipsism. 

I don't think so. I think it's more of an incompatibility than anything else. I wouldn't want to marry a man who instead of sharing what he has so that we (and that means he is included) can have a better life, would rather keep the money in his bank account. That speaks a lot about his personality as a whole tbh. And the same the other way around; if I have more, I wouldn't mind sharing what I have with the man I'm married to.

It seems like nowadays the purpose of getting married with someone isn't being happy and sharing your life with the person you love. Some people see it with the same capitalism eyes as if the most important part is that your individual finances remain untouched for whenever you break up. "Sure, I might stay another 20 years with this woman, but let me make sure we live in a smaller and less comfortable house because she's unable to provide as much money as I can." Personally, I find that very f'd up. I wouldn't want to marry a man like that. IMO, there's a big difference between them and the OP should choose whether or not that is a big deal (tho it seems like it is).

Edited April 7, 2020 by Haerts

[Gr8fuln2020]

I've been at the receiving end of financially irresponsible women who didn't know how to manage their finances. With one, I clearly made more money and the other, she made a ton more than I did, but I was much more liquid and I helped her... though my experience tells me to be more cautious about my money, and I am, my prerequisites remain consistent. That is, if you are financially independent and responsible, I don't care how much you make. And I will continue to believe that my money is best spent on the person I trust and love, but not with abandon. I'm not going to be counting how many more pennies I spent in the relation in comparison to the ratio of our income...silly. 

[Miss Spider]

What spurred on a conversation about splitting everything down the middle is what I’d like to know. Are you guys in a serious enough  relationship where you are joining everything? Obviously, if he is generous and he wants to pay for more because he can, that’s to his discretion, but not something that should be discussed imo... If you brought it up, it sounds like you’re looking for a guarantee this relationship will give you lifestyle you otherwise couldn’t afford  and if he brought it up it sounds like he’s looking for a guarantee you can pull your own weight. It just doesn’t sound good.:/

Edited April 7, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Ami1uwant]

On 4/6/2020 at 1:50 PM, heartbroken56 said:

Hi everyone,

Pleased with all the responses - I think my issue stems from the facts that I feel like I overcompensate in my relationship with gift giving or things I do so that he doesn’t think I’m after his wealth. I go above and beyond and I don’t Necessarily feel that from Him all the time.  Maybe it’s culturally Differences but I’ve noticed the most generous people are usually those with less and not those with more. I grew up being very generous. I am not after His money, I am Financially Independent, we already live our lives 50/50. I know that if we got married he would ask for a prenup and I’m not offended at that concept.  

As for parental help - its very minor. It’s not as though they pay his bills. He is very financially independent, but I would say he has something to fall back on. Ex. they help out with flights, Uber’s and etc. I don’t view that as a negative, if my parents could afford to pay for my flights home, they would, but I don’t have that luxury. To answer everyone’s question - we are in our late 20’s

I grew up with a father who was the sole provider and I just don’t imagine my father saying my mother wouldn’t not be entitled to their assets for example if they ever divorced. Because while she financially couldn’t hit her ‘half’ of it, she provided for him and our family in different ways.

I guess for me it’s him and I have discussed getting married and having a future together. For me, my concern stems from the fact that if we found our dream home for example and I was short some of that ‘half’ - are we really gonna walk away from a possible shared asset? I just don’t have as much as him and I would think that if the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t care if he couldn’t exactly produce half. Because we would be building a life and home together. I just wasn’t raised to count stuff that way because each partner is going to bring something to the table. 
 

And he’s my boyfriend - together 2 years and are thinking of moving in together once our leases expire. To answer the above questions on the seriousness of our relationship.
 

 

 

I’m highly skeptical.

 

i think you would be acting differently if he didn’t have the family wealth and he made less than you.

 

if I was wealthy with inheritance like he had I’d be very guarded to.  He might be if the attitude I’m not going to buy it just because he can. He wants to buy what’s reasonable.  As for this house he might not have had the interest you did or had doubts on buying a house together if you aren’t set on getting g married.

[Ami1uwant]

10 hours ago, poppyfields said:

 

You misread my post completely. Or misunderstood it.

What I wrote was generosity and sharing are qualities I admire and find attractive in a man, as I myself am also quite generous and "love" to share.  

Like attracts like after all.  I don't expect it, I just find those qualities attractive.  Big difference. 

I also said that generosity does NOT necessarily mean monetarily (money or "things').

Hardly deems me "entitled" mate. 

Hope that clarifies, I don't have time to explain further. 

 

It doesn’t for me.  I read your comment the same way.

 

financially incomparable and it’s not going to get better...that’s what you said.

 

we don’t know how he got this family wealth.did they inherit it or did they work hard and did well.  If it’s the latter he may have been taught don’t give handouts because of pastfamily experiences.

 

i don’t give hand outs. I’ve don’t it in the past of helping others and feel like I’m being used.

[Ami1uwant]

30 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

What spurred on a conversation about splitting everything down the middle is what I’d like to know. Are you guys in a serious enough  relationship where you are joining everything? Obviously, if he is generous and he wants to pay for more because he can, that’s to his discretion, but not something that should be discussed imo... If you brought it up, it sounds like you’re looking for a guarantee this relationship will give you lifestyle you otherwise couldn’t afford  and if he brought it up it sounds like he’s looking for a guarantee you can pull your own weight. It just doesn’t sound good.:/

The fact he can have inheritance 30+ years from now is irrelevant in the relationship.

 

if this was later in life then you might factor in some other factors lime if you both purchased houses and one or both sold.

 

i believe in equality so I’d expect proportional input based on salary.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

It doesn’t for me.  I read your comment the same way.

 

financially incomparable and it’s not going to get better...that’s what you said.

 

we don’t know how he got this family wealth.did they inherit it or did they work hard and did well.  If it’s the latter he may have been taught don’t give handouts because of pastfamily experiences.

 

i don’t give hand outs. I’ve don’t it in the past of helping others and feel like I’m being used.

Is that what you call sharing with your significant other?  Giving her a "handout"?  Lol

I stick to what I said about financial incompatibility and having different values re giving and sharing.

There's no wrong or right, really.

Some people prefer to share what they have with their significant other and some don't which is their prerogative. 

As I said in earlier posts, I am one of those people who "does" like to share, and in turn I seek that same quality in a man.

If I meet a man and he doesn't share my values about this, to me we are financially incompatible, next. 

If you don't see it that way, so be.

 

Edited April 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[NomiMalone]

I’m starting to think maybe the underlying issue is that OP views her partner’s reluctance to spend his money on her as kinda like a rejection in a sense, which is like a hit to the ego? (I.e he thinks I’m not worthy enough/doesn’t love me enough to buy a nice house for us). When in actual fact, his preference to not share finances is not about OP personally, he’s just not the sharing type. 

[simpycurious]

12 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Is that what you call sharing with your significant other?  Giving her a "handout"?  Lol

I stick to what I said about financial incompatibility and having different values re giving and sharing.

There's no wrong or right, really.

Some people prefer to share what they have with their significant other and some don't which is their prerogative. 

As I said in earlier posts, I am one of those people who "does" like to share, and in turn I seek that same quality in a man.

If I meet a man and he doesn't share my values about this, to me we are financially incompatible, next. 

If you don't see it that way, so be.

 

I am with Poppy on this.  I do not consider giving someone money a handout.  Right now, we are organizing food and money to be given to groups of IN NEED people through a Foundation.

Is that a hand out?  NOOOOOOOOO.  It's helping PEOPLE.  As far as someone you are in a relationship with why would it be a "handout" if you have PLENTY of money and genuinely want to give/help someone or buy them things.  I just do not keep score with every dollar that I spend.

[poppyfields]

43 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

As far as someone you are in a relationship with why would it be a "handout" if you have PLENTY of money and genuinely want to give/help someone or buy them things.  I just do not keep score with every dollar that I spend.

Hmm, @simpy an admirable trait, but just to clarify, I don't view sharing as buying me things.  

I view it as him sharing what he has for "us."   A nice home in a nice area, a nice vacation, nice dinners out (for us).  Things like that.

And being I have my own money, if my bf didn't have as much, I would do the same.

The way I read OP's post was everything was split 50/50.

For example, even though he has the means to rent a $4,000 penthouse in a great area for the two of them to live, since OP doesn't have the means to afford that, rather than share what he has to increase "their" quality of life, he would prefer to rent an average one bedroom in a lower class neighborhood so they can split 50/50.

That is how I interpreted her post anyway.

 

 

Edited April 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[simpycurious]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hmm, @simpy an admirable trait, but just to clarify, I don't view sharing as buying me things.  

I view it as him sharing what he has for "us."   A nice home in a nice area, a nice vacation, nice dinners out (for us).  Things like that.

And being I have my own money, if my bf didn't have as much, I would do the same.

The way I read OP's post was everything was split 50/50.

For example, even though he has the means to rent a $4,000 penthouse in a great area for the two of them to live, since OP doesn't have the means to afford that, rather than share what he has to increase "their" quality of life, he would prefer to rent an average one bedroom in a lower class neighborhood so they can split 50/50.

That is how I interpreted her post anyway.

 

 

I agree with you to an extent Poppy.  I just never imagined how many deep rooted feelings there were about money in a relationship.  I have definitely learned some new things from reading on this site.  

[smackie9]

This a compatibility issue. Money can be the root of a lot relationship problems if you don't agree on how finances are dealt with. Better to find out now rather than later how it's going to be.

[smackie9]

2 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

I agree with you to an extent Poppy.  I just never imagined how many deep rooted feelings there were about money in a relationship.  I have definitely learned some new things from reading on this site.  

And it's very noticeable, the majority of threads are started by women.

[central]

Assets owned prior to marriage remain the sole property of the owner in most states, unless the assets are mingled (e.g., joint account) or used to purchase things jointly. In case of divorce, those assets remain the sole property of the original owner (unless mingled, etc.). With divorce so common, it would be foolish to mingle substantial assets with a new partner who brings less to the table. There is also the risk that the "poorer" person will want to live beyond their own means by using assets provided by their partner. Sometimes this provides a mutual benefit that is worth the risk of mingling, but other times it simply puts the "wealthier" person at a disadvantage. When neither has much to begin with, mingling and sharing everything is appropriate and necessary; but this is not your situation.

Finally, existing IRA and 401k accounts remain the property of the original owner. Assets added after marriage become subject to division in case of divorce. By the time money is taken out from these during retirement, most likely the relationship has lasted long enough that the funds are used for mutual benefit.

[Els]

On 4/7/2020 at 3:50 AM, heartbroken56 said:

As for parental help - its very minor. It’s not as though they pay his bills. He is very financially independent, but I would say he has something to fall back on. Ex. they help out with flights, Uber’s and etc. I don’t view that as a negative, if my parents could afford to pay for my flights home, they would, but I don’t have that luxury. To answer everyone’s question - we are in our late 20’s

Ubers as in... the whole family goes out together and the father pays for the Uber, or he literally uses their card to pay for his own Uber trips? Same with flights, are they paying just for his flights to visit them (which I agree would be fair if they want to see him more often), or are they also paying for his flights to other places?

On 4/7/2020 at 3:50 AM, heartbroken56 said:

And he’s my boyfriend - together 2 years and are thinking of moving in together once our leases expire. To answer the above questions on the seriousness of our relationship.

Yeah, I personally would not move in with a partner who was very calculative about finances - I've seen couples literally splitting grocery bills down to the dollar, and that just feels off to me. Not that there's anything wrong with people who want to do that, just that that's not how I want to live.

It sounds like that's not how you want to live either. And frankly, that level of calculation along with the fact that he still allows his parents to pay for stuff for him in his late 20s, would be a red flag to me. If it truly matters so much to him that financial contributions always be completely equal, why is he accepting these financial gifts from his parents? To me, personally, it sounds like this guy wants to only take and not give.

 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

And it's very noticeable, the majority of threads are started by women.

That may be because, woman are the ones dating men, some of whom have a real fear of getting involved with "golddiggers."

And that fear reflects in their behaviour towards their girfriends.

As such, some wealthy men are very protective of their money and assets, often times even hiding them from the woman.

In defense of men, I can understand that fear in early stages, but after getting to know the woman and realizing she is not a golddigger after his money, that fear is no longer valid imo.

In OP's case, trying not to judge, but her bf just sounds like a miser. 

Edited April 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[d0nnivain]

Heartbroken56

You are both in your 20s & talking about living together.   That is a big commitment but IMO it's one where the money doesn't get combined.  You each live there.  You each pay 50 / 50 & other then groceries you purchase nothing together.   That way if it ends, you take your stuff.  He takes his stuff.  No fuss. No mess.  When you are cohabitating you both use the stuff but you don't own it unless you bought it.  If you marry then you can talk about joint accounts & large joint purchases but not before.  

I lived with a BF for 10 years.  That is how we did it -- separate but equal even though he earned more then double what I did for the 1st few years.  There was some cross over.  We didn't run our relationship with a calculator but I bought brand name groceries & he didn't.  He cooked.  I paid for dinners out.  He owned the living room furniture.  I owned the dining room.  When we split he actually gave me a futon because the only furniture I owned was my bedroom set & the dining room.  

Keep talking about finances as your relationship progresses.  Do what you need to build your own wealth:  save, invest, etc.  If you get to a point where you marry, then reassess how you fit together financially.  If need be avail yourself of legal protections like a pre-nup.  I swear putting ours together was the best thing DH & I did in preparation for our marriage because it forced us to talk about uncomfortable subjects & learn to compromise.  Those lessons helped to get us through out first marital fights.   The foundation really paid off.  

After my mother died, my father wanted to do some Medicaid planning.  My father was transferring assets to me but he made DH sign an ante-nup specifically disclaiming his right to any of "my" assets that had been gifted to me by my father.  We had to make sure the money would be there if my father needed long term end of life medical care.  Without the ante-nup once the transfer was made if DH had divorced me, legally he could have laid claim to "my" money which was really my dad's money so it made sense to do the ante-nup.  I think DH felt a little insulted by my father's seeming lack of trust but DH & I had been married for less than 5 years at that point & he knew my father was operating from a place of fear so it was all good.  Again, the discussions we had during the pre-nup carried us through.  

Money makes people crazy.  Never lose sight of that fact.  Keep talking to your SO.   As you grow closer & the trust increases, some of his rigidity may soften

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, simpycurious said:

 I do not consider giving someone money a handout.  Right now, we are organizing food and money to be given to groups of IN NEED people through a Foundation.

Is that a hand out?  NOOOOOOOOO.  It's helping PEOPLE.  

No.  It's a handout.  

Handouts aren't bad especially in times like this. Charity is a virtue.  Your generosity is commendable.  

That said, in a relationship, one partner should not come into it expecting that the wealthier partner will subsidize a lifestyle upgrade.  

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

No.  It's a handout.  

Handouts aren't bad especially in times like this. Charity is a virtue.  Your generosity is commendable.  

That said, in a relationship, one partner should not come into it expecting that the wealthier partner will subsidize a lifestyle upgrade.  

Donnivain, I always enjoy your posts but I don't see it your way on this one.  If you have A LOT and are with someone who doesn't have as much and YOU make the coincidence decison (of your own FREE WILL) to "subsidize"/"take up more of the expenses"  then you can.  I won't use the old expression that kinda goes along with this but IT'S your MONEY.