Finances in a relationship?

[heartbroken56]

My SO and I were talking about the future and I was shocked to know he was very 50/50 on how things should be split. We make about the same money but everything I have is on my own vs he has familial wealth and still gets help from his parents. For example he probably has 15x more money than I do from a savings/long term perspective. I guess I was shocked to hear that if we ever combined incomes and purchased an asset, he said he would only buy something with me that I could afford. It basically sounded like he couldn’t be generous to cover more for example if I didn’t have the funds to cover exactly half. I can’t help but feel offended at the statement since if we are building a life together, it felt like a penny pinching statement. I carry my weight (financially) in the relationship but I also just do not have as much as he does, and so I’m sad to know it doesn’t seem like he wants us to build out wealth together. It feels very separated.

How do I tackle this? And any advice? 

Edited April 6, 2020 by heartbroken56

[Gr8fuln2020]

Not surprising. He wants to protect himself. So, his advantage in wealth is inherited. Right? Sorry, but it is common for people who know little about really working to be generous. Most rich INHERIT their money and advantage, not work for it. One of the greatest myths is the notion that people who are successful are so because they worked hard...over-simplified and exaggerated fairy-tale. Anyway, you see what you have in him. His wealth is important to him. He's trying to protect himself and his wealth which he will inherit. No doubt he has some sense of entitlement because of it, but you need to know that this is who he likely is. 

It could be him blowing hot air until you two are more serious. His feelings could change if you two were engaged. Do you love one another?

[Lorenza]

He might also think you wouldnt accept him covering more than 50%, as men are tought to treat women as equals nowadays, maybe he thinks you pride yourself on covering your part. But the poster above is more likely to have gotten it right imo. 

[snowboy91]

I think all it means is that he expects a partner to contribute roughly equally over the long term. I wonder what his thoughts would be in the case that he or you lose their job suddenly - I would hope that there would be the expectation that the other would cover expenses in the short term.

Ultimately what he doesn't want is for him to contribute say two thirds toward assets, and claim that that's an even partnership. Which I consider to be quite fair - a relationship should be more or less "equal", but it's up to those in said relationship to decide what that means. But if one partner is more well resourced than the other, who's to say you can't contribute equally to major assets like a house, but then one contributes far more on other things (holidays, nice dinners, experiences, etc).

I'm interested to hear your ideas on what your expectations are here. I'm getting the sense from your post that you don't think his idea is fair - if you think it is though, I'd probably not read into it too much and focus on the objective.

[elaine567]

Some people are rich because they hold onto every penny for dear life.
He has the money he has accrued with his parent's' help and he has no intention of sharing it with you.
That sounds kind of fair, but guys like this can insist that you pay your share of the house, of the living expenses, of the holidays which can mean you are always scrimping and saving, whilst he lives like a king on his money.
We have had situations like this where the woman is eating frugally, whist the richer man is dining out every night, splashing the cash on gadgets and toys and going on holiday to exotic locations on his own as she cannot afford to go...
This is a situation you need to run from, not because you are "entitled" to his money but because he is making money an issue and as money is the commonest reason couples split up then best to get out whilst you still can. 

[NomiMalone]

I completely see where you’re coming from. From his perspective though - maybe he’s been burnt in the past by previous partners/spouses and is now protecting himself.

I was the financially “better off” one in my last long term relationship. Not because I earned more, but I was by far the better money manager, and had less debt. 

At first, I didn’t mind paying more than my 50%. Then gradually I realised I was paying more... and more. Then when he lost his job, and debt collectors were almost literally at our door step, I ended up paying HIS bills on top of my own, because I “could”. I’ll never see that money again, but I decided I’d never get into another relationship where I have to pay more than half, for whatever reason.

Not saying at all that you’re financially irresponsible OP, just trying to offer a perspective of where he may be coming from. 

Also - although his wealth was inherited, his parents/grandparents worked hard for that money too. It’s his choice to spend it how he sees fit. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

At the end of the day, you need to figure out what his views on finances are. It's one thing if you are single, but what happens when you two of you are serious, engaged, married? 

Because he 'inherits' his money, what is his work ethic? Does he have a full-time job? How does he value money, in general. No one is saying he doesn't have the right to spend his money that he inherited from his hard-working parents, the way he wants to, but his idea of 'fairness' which doesn't necessarily mean 50/50, may be a facade for something else. 

Honestly, I am less worried about him inheriting his parent's hard-earned money than I am with his attitude towards his responsibility to a committed relationship. An attitude that does not create bitterness because of finances. 

He may have been hurt in the past form someone taking advantage of his parents' hard-earned money, completely understand the hesitation. 

I have been in relationships, every one of them, where I am the more financially stable. I never looked at the other person and said to myself, 'Hmmmm, she makes less than me, I will only encourage her to make financial/monetary decisions that SHE can afford, so that I won't have to help...or so I don't feel that i'm putting in more than my 'fair' share..." Ugh. What a crappy attitude. 

 

Edited April 6, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[introverted1]

Some questions.

You say this is your "SO" - what does that mean, exactly? Are you bf/gf, living together, engaged, married?

Are his savings solely a result of his family giving him money, or has he independently put away money?

Since you both make the same amount of money, how much of his family money do you feel entitled to?

[preraph]

You tackle it by ponying up!  You're one-half of the relationship.  He's not looking for a girlfriend who is going to drain him of his nest egg.  You make as much as he does, so it's only fair.  If you were interested in him for his money, then this clearly backfired.  If you weren't, then why are you making a fuss?

[OatsAndHall]

This goes two ways:

You buy an asset based on "shares" and follow a 70/30 split. You two break up, have to sell the asset and now you're both  getting 50% of the equity put in. So, he's out a lot of money. Assume you would have to sell the asset at a loss (or at the asset's original value and have to pay closing costs), for whatever reason, and now he's paying for 50% of the debt so you've lost money. From a practical financial standpoint, it's makes much more sense to pay 50/50 when you're talking about purchasing an asset.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Unfortunately, more and more people are thinking in terms of personal assets/losses when it comes to relationships. Oh well...I cannot disagree...completely. 

[Blind-Sided]

Since I don't have enough of the story... it's really hard to put a label on any of this... but I will say this.....

Why are you offended that he won't give you his money? (that's the real question)

OK... if you were both out of college, and neither really had any money or assets, other than he came from a family with money... then I would understand totally. But if you are both adults, then there's no reason to expect to mix finances quickly. Not to mention... if this is a new-ish relationship... then he may have more investments then you are aware of.  AND... he may be trying to figure out if you are a gold digger. (if his family has a lot of money)  If you get upset, and he knows it... then he may see that as you are only with him for his family's money. (just something to consider)
 

If you like the guy... don't let money break you apart now.  I'm guessing that in the future... and you get more entangled in life... that may change.

Edited April 6, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[schlumpy]

10 hours ago, heartbroken56 said:

I carry my weight (financially) in the relationship but I also just do not have as much as he does, and so I’m sad to know it doesn’t seem like he wants us to build out wealth together. It feels very separated.

How do I tackle this? And any advice? 

I see your dilemma.  Money matters always sprinkle discord over a relationship. I don't think you are necessarily wrong for feeling as you do. After all, why get married if primary aspects of your life are separate. Next he'll want separate bedrooms.

I think you might try a thought exercise and reverse your roles. Pretend you are fortunate to have wealthy relatives where, if you aren't stupid, money problems will never plague you all through-out your life.

You fall in love with a man of lesser means and although his heart is true as demonstrated by his actions, can you afford to let romance rule your head when it comes to a secure financial future?

You get one shot at this. There are no second chances.

So how can you be with the man of your dreams and still stay in the cusp of financial safety?

I suggest that as unromantic as it is that you discuss an equitable prenuptial agreement that will protect your lover from you if for some reason you go off the rails and protect you from him for the same reason. They can be as elaborate or simple as you like.

It is not a decision that will mollify your feelings because should not true love conquer all? 

Edited April 6, 2020 by schlumpy

[Foxhall]

11 hours ago, heartbroken56 said:

For example he probably has 15x more money than I do from a savings/long term perspective

if thats the case, if he loves you he will buy a house for you.

[Els]

 How old are both of you, and what are you looking for out of this relationship? I think if you are childfree it could potentially be okay, depending on your goals. If you want to have kids, though, it is probably a bad idea. Women generally sacrifice much more of their career when they have kids than men do (partly due to societal perception, partly due to unequal parenting loads, and partly due to the biological requirement of pregnancy and recovery), so it would be folly to have them with a man who is unwilling to work as a team in that regard.

11 hours ago, heartbroken56 said:

everything I have is on my own vs he has familial wealth and still gets help from his parents.

Tbh this is probably the biggest red flag in your post to me. Unless he's 19 or something, I would be very wary of a man who is being financially supported by mum and dad.

[clia]

11 hours ago, heartbroken56 said:

 I guess I was shocked to hear that if we ever combined incomes and purchased an asset, he said he would only buy something with me that I could afford. It basically sounded like he couldn’t be generous to cover more for example if I didn’t have the funds to cover exactly half. I can’t help but feel offended at the statement since if we are building a life together, it felt like a penny pinching statement.

He's saying that he wants to live at a financial level that you can afford, so you can contribute half.  Why is it penny pinching to expect you to carry your own weight?  Your post makes it sound like you want to be able to dip into his finances to allow you to live above your means.   

Quote

I carry my weight (financially) in the relationship but I also just do not have as much as he does, and so I’m sad to know it doesn’t seem like he wants us to build out wealth together. It feels very separated.

By "build our wealth together" you mean he contributes more, right?  Because from what you posted it doesn't sound like he is asking you to live above your means.  He just prefers to split everything equally.  I personally don't see a problem with that, especially since you've stated that you can carry your own weight.  

Edited April 6, 2020 by clia

[ThePhoenixStillRises]

12 hours ago, heartbroken56 said:

We make about the same money but everything I have is on my own vs he has familial wealth and still gets help from his parents. 

This is the biggest red flag from your statement....it sounds like you would be on equal ground if it weren't for him still getting help from his parents.  He has become accustomed to a certain type of lifestyle and he relies on them for it.  If you are both out of school and out in the working world, then this is even more of a concern.  If his parents continue to enable him and bail him out, it could set you up for being in a long term relationship with essentially someone who is still a child.  And then what happens when they are no longer around to provide to him?  You also have to consider that their "help" may also end up being a form of control over your lives if you would decide to marry him.  They may always be in your business.     

[Wanderlust2018]

1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said:

Since I don't have enough of the story... it's really hard to put a label on any of this... but I will say this.....

Why are you offended that he won't give you his money? (that's the real question)

OK... if you were both out of college, and neither really had any money or assets, other than he came from a family with money... then I would understand totally. But if you are both adults, then there's no reason to expect to mix finances quickly. Not to mention... if this is a new-ish relationship... then he may have more investments then you are aware of.  AND... he may be trying to figure out if you are a gold digger. (if his family has a lot of money)  If you get upset, and he knows it... then he may see that as you are only with him for his family's money. (just something to consider)
 

If you like the guy... don't let money break you apart now.  I'm guessing that in the future... and you get more entangled in life... that may change.

I have to agree with Blind-Sided on this.

Let me also try to unpack this a bit...

First, I don’t see it as a bad thing to have these kinds of discussions early on. 

I also don’t see the relevance of him inheriting wealth, or being gifted wealth by his parents to your relationship at this stage...unless, said wealth is being achieved and passed on through illegal or illegitimate mechanisms or you’re getting married very near term. 

It sounds as though he works and you both make around the same income? 

I know in my case, I make vastly more than most people in general and have accumulated a pretty solid financial picture and portfolio. Whereas I used to be extremely generous (to a fault), when I was married and after my divorce and began dating, I’ve started dialing that back a lot. In retrospect, my generosity was taken advantage of, a lot.

I am curious...how did it come up about his family’s wealth and what he has or gets from them? How was this shared with you? Was it in a bragging way or did you happen to see a bank statement and it brought about a discussion?

[heartbroken56]

Hi everyone,

Pleased with all the responses - I think my issue stems from the facts that I feel like I overcompensate in my relationship with gift giving or things I do so that he doesn’t think I’m after his wealth. I go above and beyond and I don’t Necessarily feel that from Him all the time.  Maybe it’s culturally Differences but I’ve noticed the most generous people are usually those with less and not those with more. I grew up being very generous. I am not after His money, I am Financially Independent, we already live our lives 50/50. I know that if we got married he would ask for a prenup and I’m not offended at that concept.  

As for parental help - its very minor. It’s not as though they pay his bills. He is very financially independent, but I would say he has something to fall back on. Ex. they help out with flights, Uber’s and etc. I don’t view that as a negative, if my parents could afford to pay for my flights home, they would, but I don’t have that luxury. To answer everyone’s question - we are in our late 20’s

I grew up with a father who was the sole provider and I just don’t imagine my father saying my mother wouldn’t not be entitled to their assets for example if they ever divorced. Because while she financially couldn’t hit her ‘half’ of it, she provided for him and our family in different ways.

I guess for me it’s him and I have discussed getting married and having a future together. For me, my concern stems from the fact that if we found our dream home for example and I was short some of that ‘half’ - are we really gonna walk away from a possible shared asset? I just don’t have as much as him and I would think that if the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t care if he couldn’t exactly produce half. Because we would be building a life and home together. I just wasn’t raised to count stuff that way because each partner is going to bring something to the table. 
 

And he’s my boyfriend - together 2 years and are thinking of moving in together once our leases expire. To answer the above questions on the seriousness of our relationship.
 

 

 

Edited April 6, 2020 by heartbroken56

[schlumpy]

46 minutes ago, heartbroken56 said:

I grew up with a father who was the sole provider and I just don’t imagine my father saying my mother wouldn’t not be entitled to their assets for example if they ever divorced. Because while she financially couldn’t hit her ‘half’ of it, she provided for him and our family in different ways.

I understand. You feel that even though the money was not equal that your mother put in just as much effort and that should count for something and even up the score. Your problem is that your prospective mate does not see it that way and you will have to decide whether that is deal breaker or not.

It's not right wrong , moral or immoral. It is just a philosophy to live your life by.

[preraph]

Most people do walk away from their "dream home" if it's out of their price range.  That's just good sense.  You are looking for someone who pays more, and he isn't it.  People with money are taken advantage of all too often.  They don't have money if they waste money and spend beyond their means.  That's often the difference between haves and have nots.  It's a good thing that his parents instilled in him some common sense on how to hang onto his assets.  He doesn't sound cheap.  

 

It's easy to say you're the generous type, but you're giving little gifts and wanting a big return from him.  He's not that guy.  There is a long line of people wanting to spend other people's money....

[simpycurious]

13 hours ago, Lorenza said:

He might also think you wouldnt accept him covering more than 50%, as men are tought to treat women as equals nowadays, maybe he thinks you pride yourself on covering your part. But the poster above is more likely to have gotten it right imo. 

Because a MAN covers or pays for things does not mean that the woman he is with is NOT EQUAL.  My parents were very well off and I guarantee you that my Mom worked as hard as my Dad ever did even though he went to his businesses daily.  Before I started reading these threads/posts I NEVER EVER thought about the equality or lack thereof associated with who pays for what in a relationship or even a simple date. The subject of money seems to come up over and over again.  I don't get it.

[poppyfields]

Heartbroken, chiming in late but I’ve read all the posts and imo what this boils down to is financial incompatibility and different values re giving and sharing, and it’s not gonna get better!

Speaking for myself, I am a very generous person.  I was before I received my inheritance and after.  Only now I can afford to be "more" generous.

If someone were to ask me the qualities that attract me to a man, I would have to say generosity is one of them, always has been.

I don’t care if he’s a struggling poet, I find generosity in a man extremely attractive, and I do "not" necessarily mean monetarily generous either. 

Generous in what he "does" have and in spirit.  And possesses the ability and desire to "share."

I don’t get along well with tightwads, penny pinchers, and men like your boyfriend who even though he has 15 times more money than you have due to $$$ from his family, refuses to "share" what he has with the woman he supposedly loves.

Note I used the word “share” cause that is how I look at it.  Sharing. 

You mean to tell me that if you were to get married and purchase a house together, even though he has the money to afford a beautiful beachside 3-bedroom cottage (for example), because YOU don’t make the kind of money to afford that, he would actually agree to purchase a smaller, lesser-quality house and live a lower quality lifestyle, all because he refuses to share what he has with the woman he loves and married?

If so wow, that’s tight-wadding and penny pinching in the extreme imho.

In any event, I think you should think long and hard before committing to a person like this because like I said, this is financial incompatibility in the nth degree, and it ain't gonna get better; it goes to his character and his ability and desire to share his good fortune with the woman he claims to loves.

 

Edited April 6, 2020 by poppyfields

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, I think you need clarification. Let's catapult you guys into the future. Let's say you're buying a house ... does 50-50 mean he will only want a house that you can afford based on your salaries, excluding his wealth? 

Look, I have dated women with more money and less ... if I get together with a woman with more money ... then hey, I expect to share in her "additional" money ... just as if I'm the one with greater with, someone with me would share my income and wealth. You need to get clear on what you expect and what you want as far as finances are concerned. Do not be afraid to have to real conversations here. 

The fear of "coming off like a gold digger" should NOT prevent you from having this talk and getting clear on how money would be shared if you guys were partnered. You need to probe his thinking. For what it's worth, I wonder if he's seriously thought this through ... and whether he's making sure you're not going to "take advantage" of his money.

Funny: I have a male friend married to a woman who has like millions more in assets than he does ... and she doesn't really share the wealth with him ... I mean he lives in her house ... so in that sense ... but his name isn't on any of the property she has purchased ... My buddy is cool with this arrangement. I would NOT be. 

[Lorenza]

10 hours ago, simpycurious said:

Because a MAN covers or pays for things does not mean that the woman he is with is NOT EQUAL.  My parents were very well off and I guarantee you that my Mom worked as hard as my Dad ever did even though he went to his businesses daily.  Before I started reading these threads/posts I NEVER EVER thought about the equality or lack thereof associated with who pays for what in a relationship or even a simple date. The subject of money seems to come up over and over again.  I don't get it.

Yup I know. I was speculating how some men, especially younger ones, might be thinking in these confusing times, as they certainly were associating equality with paying 50/50 in Sweden where i used to live 

Edited April 7, 2020 by Lorenza