Sophie Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 I was just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this.. If something you did was the cause of your breakup, then what lengths would you be willing to go to, to get your ex back? Obviously alot of people don't want to beg as they value their pride & feel that if someone doesn't want to be with you, they can't be forced to come back. But if you truly felt that losing that person was the biggest mistake of your life & it would be worth it to give your relationship another chance, what would you do to convince that person to try again? Any stories or ideas on how to get another chance? By the way this isn't for myself, just a discussion me & some friends were having. In my opinion if someone had treated you badly they would have to do something significant for me to take them back. Thanks
brittanyjean259 Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 Well for a while i didnt even have any pride, if they did something i would just go with my impulses rather than instincts.... i was naive..... if you had been the cause of the break up, and you realize this person was perfect beyond belief... than i feel you should do whatever it takes...dont beg or anything...just show signs that you care...and that your willing to gain their trust back. i was the cause of my break up, because i dumped him, and said mean mean stuff....and now he has rebounded and wont talk to me.... but it was a unhealthy relationship to begin with...and he has done things to me there for i will not try to get him back ever..not saying i dont want him to try..but i know whats best
Art_Critic Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 But if you truly felt that losing that person was the biggest mistake of your life & it would be worth it to give your relationship another chance, what would you do to convince that person to try again? I've been on both sides of this before.. If they made a mistake and made an honest attempt at clearing up whatever it is that they did wrong then yes I would give them a second chance.. I am a romantic in getting back together though.. I think that if 2 people love each other then they should try and give each other a second chance.. I also have tried to get someone back after making a huge mistake.. I had a short temper issue that I went to someone and figured out what was causing it but by then she was too far out the door and I couldn't get her to give me a second chance.. Her loss .. I did fix the issue though and the next GF I have will get the benefit of it instead of her. And how far would I go .. I would to anything if I loved the person and wanted a second chance.. That is the rub though .. Getting them to listen to you after you have fu*ked up.. I am for second chances.. and I think the person that fu*ked up has to really make it happen though
Author Sophie Posted October 7, 2005 Author Posted October 7, 2005 Thanks for the replies. The reason I posted this thread is my friend has just broken up with her boyfriend beacuse he didn't treat her well. She's now expecting him to beg her for another chance but all he has done in a month is send her an sms once a week either asking how she is or asking if she wants to go for a drink. She has decided to do NC & totally ignore him until he proves he has changed or convinces her she should take him back by owning up to his behavior. In my opinion although he loves her, he's very proud & doesn't think he needs to change. Because of this he has now lost her. By my question ''what lengths would you go to to get someone back" do you think that sending one sms message a week is enough to give him another chance? Or should he be doing more? If so what would that be?
Art_Critic Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 Sophie.. I would do anything.. An sms is not even close to going far enough.. The last girlfriend that I spoke about earlier I sent a dozen red roses each day incrementing 1 dozen each day.. 1 then 2 then 3 dozen to her house till she called me.. After the 3rd day she called me ( She was previously doing NC ).. She accepted my apology but I think she realized that I would've continued to send flowers till she did call and it made her feel that I bought her.. so I took it to far.. I also think that she had met someone new and was going out with him and is to this day.. I think your friend is right to do NC.. He isn't making the effort he needs to make.. Albeit he doesn't need to go as far as I did He at least needs to show her he loves and/or cares about her and her feelings.
jaye Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 im going through the samething only that i have cut my wrists over her to get back and still didn't have her. but somewhere deep inside me i believe that oneday she will comeback and give me a big hug
Mary3 Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 I think that once you break up , the union itself ( lets say a piece of china / glassware ) is fractured and as much glue as you try to put on the crack, the crack still does exist. If the person cheated or was hurting you , whats done is done. I don't see it returning like before. Of course people have fantasies of it returning to what it once was but the fact is : it changed and is forvever changed. When its over ,its over. You can try and try again but the best thing to do is realize people change and circumstances change and its never going to be quite like it was before. Move on.
jaye Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Mary3 I know what you are saying but freakin heart don't listen my brain tells me something and heart tells me something else. i can't just forget about her. cus honestly nothing is more valueable to me then her
lost_in_chgo Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 I think that once you break up , the union itself ( lets say a piece of china / glassware ) is fractured and as much glue as you try to put on the crack, the crack still does exist. If the person cheated or was hurting you , whats done is done. I don't see it returning like before. Of course people have fantasies of it returning to what it once was but the fact is : it changed and is forvever changed. When its over ,its over. You can try and try again but the best thing to do is realize people change and circumstances change and its never going to be quite like it was before. Move on. The assumption here is that what you had before is always going to better than what you have now. Certainly if you approach a second chance in this fashion it is doomed to failure. But then so is a second marriage, or a new relationship. To make things work, extra effort and new effort is required on both sides. Usually one side or the other just isn't going to give that kind of effort. But if they do, I would say your chances for a stronger, faster, better relationship are good. We can rebuild it....
Art_Critic Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 To make things work, extra effort and new effort is required on both sides. Usually one side or the other just isn't going to give that kind of effort. But if they do, I would say your chances for a stronger, faster, better relationship are good. We can rebuild it.... So true Lost in Chicago.. My brother remarried his second wife about 1.5 years after they divorced.. They have a totally different 2nd marriage than they did the first and they attacked it with different expectations.. Some higher.. Some lower.. They have been remarried to each other now almost 11 years and have 2 wonderful twin boy/girl kids that are about 8 years old.. Second chances do work out if the people change their thinking
Mary3 Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Well lets imagine that your gf or wife slept with someone and you found out about it through either a ) confession or ~ b) second source. What would you do ? I know what I would do. I would not have trust in that person the way I used to. I would visualize them sleeping with that person. I know people say forgive and give them another chance. I have not been cheated on but I can only imagine the devastation it would cause to the injured person. I know I would feel that way. I would not be able to look at them in the same light as before. It depends on what they did that would warrant a second chance . Did they put bleach in the colored clothes.? I could forgive that. Did they accidentally drive on the lawn and knock down all the trash cans. ? I could forgive that. But if they slept with someone I would not be able to forgive them . I know we are supposed to forgive and with time I would have to forgive but ONLY to move on. Forgiveness is for moving forward...Forgiving does mean condoning their actions but to put feelings at rest so I can move forward with my life.
Mary3 Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Forgiving does NOT mean condoning their actions...
Art_Critic Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Well lets imagine that your gf or wife slept with someone and you found out about it through either a ) confession or ~ b) second source. What would you do ? I know what I would do. I would not have trust in that person the way I used to. I would visualize them sleeping with that person. I know people say forgive and give them another chance. I have not been cheated on but I can only imagine the devastation it would cause to the injured person. I know I would feel that way. I would not be able to look at them in the same light as before. It depends on what they did that would warrant a second chance . Did they put bleach in the colored clothes.? I could forgive that. Did they accidentally drive on the lawn and knock down all the trash cans. ? I could forgive that. But if they slept with someone I would not be able to forgive them . I know we are supposed to forgive and with time I would have to forgive but ONLY to move on. Forgiveness is for moving forward...Forgiving does mean condoning their actions but to put feelings at rest so I can move forward with my life. Mary.. You are adding all this drama to the OP story .. She ( the OP ) said her friend broke up because he wasn't treating her right.. Not because her cheated on her. The things that you mentioned are deal breakers in my mind and most likely almost all people.. Second chances are rare in cheating cases..
Mary3 Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Sophie asked what warranted a second chance ? : Cheating was not one of the things that warranted a second chance. ( in my opinion ) I realize cheating was not mentioned but I am answerering that posters basic question about *what warrants another chance* ?
Author Sophie Posted October 8, 2005 Author Posted October 8, 2005 Thanks again for the replies. It's kind of a difficult situation for me coz I'm stuck in the middle. Since my friend is doing NC until he does something that shows her how much he means to her, her bf keeps calling me & begging me to convince her to see him. In the past I've helped him out as my friend was very depressed without him & agreed to see him herself. This time though I've told him that if he wants her back it's up to him to make the moves. It's such a shame because they truly love each other & were such a great couple. He didn't cheat on her or anything, just never gave her much time & she gave him several chances to change but he never did. She's now hoping that he will do something to prove that things will change as she really wants him back but only under that condition. In her opinion 1 text a week is not nearly close enough to what she's expecting him to do & I agree with her on this. When I spoke to him & told him this he merely said this was his way of doing things, it's his character to act in this way & he sees nothing wrong with it. My friend's birthday is coming up next week & she has set him a deadline (in her head) to either do something worthwhile or there will be no second chance ever. She hasn't seen him for 2 months & has been doing NC for a month. I just hope he remembers her birthday or I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to console her. Both of them are seriously depressed & cry every day. The worst part is I know he's placing his pride before her & because of he's going to lose her forever.
JD1 Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 It's a shame that the majority of guys place their pride above anything else. Because of this they're prepared to lose the person they love to prove a point & that's sad.
lost_in_chgo Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 The worst part is I know he's placing his pride before her & because of he's going to lose her forever. And if he swallowed his pride, she'd lose respect for him and refuse to give him a second chance ever. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Does he want her back? or does he just want to go for a drink. Let's be friends. Listen I like you as a friend. I love you but I'm not in love with you. etc.etc.etc
Cupcake Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 It may be difficult. But even cheaters get a second chance. It's all in the re-aaproach and request for the second chance. Early after the breakup when I'm still upset, there is nothing a man can do to make me take him back. I need time to heal. He needs time to change. After a period of healing, a man could get my attention simply by calling me to apologize. We can talk. Then he can send flowers, or do things to let me know that he has truly changed. One of my XBF's sent me flowers everyday to my job for a week until I called him. I gave him a second chance. The only thing my last XBF did to get me back was call and send emails. I was willing to give him a second chance despite his cheating, granted he never lie and cheat on me again. Unfortunately, he couldn't make that promise. So we never had a second chance. If a man has TRULY CHANGED the things that caused the breakup, I would be willing to give a second chance, anytime.
Recommended Posts