skanzer Posted April 4, 2020 Posted April 4, 2020 Hi all, Wanted all your thoughts...I'm an American living in Tokyo. Thankfully, since over 1 month, the company I work at in Japan authorized a work from home policy, so they gave me a laptop and I've been working from home, staying home, and only go out when needed for groceries (actually the situation is pretty normal in Japan, it's not as severe as other countries and there's no 'social distancing' here, trains are still crowded, stores are still full and things have been mostly normal...but recently the situation is getting a bit worse). Anyways, my girlfriend is actually my greatest risk to getting coronavirus to put it bluntly. She isn't able to work from home, so she still uses crowded subways/trains, then comes home after work. She wears a mask all day, and it's generally a stressful situation for the whole world, and this is a strange situation/topic for me to bring up. I haven't mentioned anything to her, but I do sometimes feel uneasy. A random note that's related: she doesn't pay rent or anything and lives with her parents, but she just comes as stays over very frequently (lately almost everyday), so she essentially de facto lives with me now. I guess my question is this, is the right/loving response just accepting the risk? Should she just go to her parents home during this time? As mentioned, I haven't said anything to her, I'd just feel like a bad person to suggest her as some possibly virus-laden risk to my life, but it makes me uneasy, especially because I'm personally doing everything to avoid it aka staying home alone.
preraph Posted April 4, 2020 Posted April 4, 2020 You should have talked to her about this right away and told her she can't stay there until this is over. Number one, you're trying to work from home. That's a good enough excuse. I can't have anyone underfoot because I work at home. Some of my work is confidential. First of all, if she was a responsible person, she wouldn't be doing this to begin with, bringing it home to you. So make a mental note of that about her. Then tell her to stop because you'd like to stay alive. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 4, 2020 Posted April 4, 2020 At this point the damage is done. Since you didn't talk before you are kinda stuck now. The disease is survivable so hang tough. Take the right precautions & hope for the best If you send her back to her parents now understand you will be ending the relationship. That is a valid choice but do know the repercussions for what that choice means. 1
Author skanzer Posted April 4, 2020 Author Posted April 4, 2020 (edited) 18 minutes ago, preraph said: You should have talked to her about this right away and told her she can't stay there until this is over. Number one, you're trying to work from home. That's a good enough excuse. I can't have anyone underfoot because I work at home. Some of my work is confidential. First of all, if she was a responsible person, she wouldn't be doing this to begin with, bringing it home to you. So make a mental note of that about her. Then tell her to stop because you'd like to stay alive. This wasn't a situation I could talk about directly, it's been an evolving problem, but I think the problem in Tokyo is getting to a point where even the government here is getting nervous and they are suggesting people stay home, so I'm now more uneasy than previously. 14 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: At this point the damage is done. Since you didn't talk before you are kinda stuck now. The disease is survivable so hang tough. Take the right precautions & hope for the best If you send her back to her parents now understand you will be ending the relationship. That is a valid choice but do know the repercussions for what that choice means. I understand that. I feel like it'd be 'heartless', though valid, to tell her to go to her parents home, and also my apartment is much closer to her work meaning much less time on train for her as opposed to her parents (around 35 minute difference). Also, if I 'send her' back to her home, her parents would likely see me as some shallow crappy person, and it's a situation where either she's a risk to me or her parents. Neither me or her parents want to be at increased risk. So you think, if I ask her to stay with her parents now it will end our relationship? So, I should just accept the risk? Edited April 4, 2020 by skanzer
Foxhall Posted April 4, 2020 Posted April 4, 2020 She must be putting her parents at risk too and given that generally older people are more susceptible, their welfare should be given serious consideration, Id encourage her to put pressure on her employers to allow her to work from home so as she does not endanger her parents, this may suit you by default as perhaps she can commute between her home and yours while minimising the risk to both her parents and you, is the job a huge deal for her-could she walk away from it if the employers are not supportive? If she has no choice but to keep the job, personally if I liked the girl, I would encourage her to live with me still and Id take the risk of getting infected rather than putting her folks at risk. 3
smackie9 Posted April 4, 2020 Posted April 4, 2020 (edited) So this will be your excuse to finally have your space again huh. Asking her to screw work and stay with you isn't an option, I am assuming. IMO you really don't care that much for this girl if you can't stand having her there for more than a couple times a week. You are better off kicking her to the curb. If you just simply talk to her and work out a compromise maybe you wouldn't have to come here for advice...not sure why you are so afraid to express your concerns. If you want things to last for the long haul you have to be honest with each other. Communication is your answer. Edited April 4, 2020 by smackie9 1
Author skanzer Posted April 4, 2020 Author Posted April 4, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, smackie9 said: So this will be your excuse to finally have your space again huh. Asking her to screw work and stay with you isn't an option, I am assuming. IMO you really don't care that much for this girl if you can't stand having her there for more than a couple times a week. You are better off kicking her to the curb. If you just simply talk to her and work out a compromise maybe you wouldn't have to come here for advice...not sure why you are so afraid to express your concerns. If you want things to last for the long haul you have to be honest with each other. Communication is your answer. Hi Smackie9, I appreciate your comment, but I think you misunderstand the situation, and I know you're referring to a previous thread I posted, which also could be easily misunderstood. I asked for opinions on how to approach this, you didn't really give me your opinion in relation to this thread, you were instead a bit more judgmental. Nonetheless, I don't blame you for misunderstanding me, but to put it clearly, I feel a desire for some space isn't a bad thing, and I love this girl. This thread wasn't about space, instead, it's a genuine concern about being exposed to coronavirus. I haven't even brought this up with her, because I feel bad to do so, and I care about her. Maybe expressing issues on this forum appears to magnify issues, but for the most part it's a very good and happy relationship I'm in. But yes, this is a forum where I have mentioned and focused on issues/concerns, and asked for advice. Edited April 4, 2020 by skanzer 1
Author skanzer Posted April 4, 2020 Author Posted April 4, 2020 3 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Why are you afraid to talk to her about this? Because it's a no-win situation. I tell her to not come over, I'm pretty much shunning her from coming over, and then she goes and puts her parents at risk.
Mystery4u Posted April 4, 2020 Posted April 4, 2020 (edited) You clearly don't like spending time with her and her 'living' at yours, so I don't understand why you don't break up with her so she can find someone who appreciates her for her. She's your girlfriend! And all you are worried about is yourself! If she get's it then you look after her and take care of her.. if you get it too then so be it. If my girlfriend had it I wouldn't even think twice about the risk to me but would be there to help and support her. Your two threads show what your priorities in life are, and its certainly not her. She deserves better. Edited April 4, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
smackie9 Posted April 4, 2020 Posted April 4, 2020 well the way I see it....it's only for a few more months. Japan already practice wearing masks when you are sick, and bow instead of shaking hands and they clean thoroughly all public places. They are doing something right. All she has to do is wash her clothes and have a shower when she gets in. You can get her to wipe down touched surfaces, door handles, etc to help out...cook you dinner, shop while she's out. I agree it's the least you can do to help her parents out because they are that age group 50 and up that are very susceptible to the virus.
Author skanzer Posted April 4, 2020 Author Posted April 4, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: You clearly don't like spending time with her and her 'living' at yours, so I don't understand why you don't break up with her so she can find someone who appreciates her for her. She's your girlfriend! And all you are worried about is yourself! If she get's it then you look after her and take care of her.. if you get it too then so be it. If my girlfriend had it I wouldn't even think twice about the risk to me but would be there to help and support her. Your two threads show what your priorities in life are, and its certainly not her. She deserves better. I think your post is justified...I love her, but I do think, I'm being selfish. Honestly, it's a little difficult going from being alone/single for years to suddenly finding an amazing girl and she's living with me. I think what's been difficult for me is the adjustment of it's not all about me anymore, feeling like things are getting really serious (I started feeling this when she started living with me). Many complain about not having a great girlfriend and being single too long, but I think it's important to be READY for that amazing girlfriend. I am ready and want this but also it's a transition process, is that so wrong to feel? I think you misunderstand me really, because you make it seem I don't like spending time with her or her living with me and that I don't appreciate her. THAT'S WRONG. I simply have found the transition for it previously being all about me when I was single, to being in a relationship that could become marriage and set the stage for the rest of my life, a little scary (in a good way). Essentially all my actions don't influence just me like before, it's me and her. The right response is show her care and be by her side no matter what. I agree. Edited April 4, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
smackie9 Posted April 4, 2020 Posted April 4, 2020 (edited) Well if you are having trouble "adjusting" your approach to it has been subjective. You can't blame us for getting the impression you can't stand being around her, when you are trying to find ways to get her to stay at her parents. The reality now is that you have to man up and work with it, not against it. My dad would go to the basement sHi&^% with a newspaper, and hang around down there after work to decompress, and to get away from us kids and my mom. Edited April 4, 2020 by smackie9
Author skanzer Posted April 4, 2020 Author Posted April 4, 2020 1 minute ago, smackie9 said: Well if you are having trouble "adjusting" your approach to it has been subjective. You can't blame us for getting the impression you can't stand being around her, when you are trying to find ways to get her to stay at her parents. True. So, I've already decided internally that I wouldn't mention to her to go to her parents, because I care enough not to. The purpose of this thread was to see what all of you thought was the right approach in this uncomfortable scenario. But I do feel, anything other then showing her love and care during this time would be a clear indicator that I'm not suitable for her. I'm very good to her, and show her love, I do have inner struggles, like difficulty accepting permanently intertwining myself to someone else, it's a lot of responsibility. I think my feelings aren't completely unwarranted. Finding a soulmate isn't a simple thing, it's something that influences every aspect of your life, and like I said is a big responsibility (that should be a pleasurable one), but it's still a big transition nonetheless, I hope you can understand that. I think I'll learn a lot from this process, and the last thing I want is to let this girl go, because she's a keeper. I've been very good to her, and I want to keep it that way.
smackie9 Posted April 4, 2020 Posted April 4, 2020 (edited) I had trouble adjusting when me and my husband started living together. I remember how tough it was. But we communicated, and worked together...that's the key. I just have a feeling you two have two very different dating styles and expectations. Edited April 4, 2020 by smackie9
Author skanzer Posted April 4, 2020 Author Posted April 4, 2020 3 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I had trouble adjusting when me and my husband started living together. I remember how tough it was. But we communicated, and worked together...that's the key. I just have a feeling you two have two very different dating styles and expectations. I agree, communication and honesty is key. We communicate a lot, and express our concerns to each other, but I do feel I need to improve myself more, and not act on my 'feelings' of wanting to be alone, because I know if I was alone and lost her, I'd have so much regret. I don't think we have different dating styles or expectations honestly. I'm not in the dating phase with her now, it's more than that...I think the expectations are the same too. But accepting the new reality in practice, aka losing my 'alone time', has been a challenging transition, not in a bad way, but it's still a big transition. It's been a little strange and difficult going from being totally single, to suddenly having this amazing girl and thinking that I could either screw this up and be alone again, or make some sacrifices and intertwine myself with her potentially for the rest of my life. Relationships should be enjoyable and easy and it shouldn't be a 'pressure' to think of spending your whole life with someone you love, but like I keep saying, it's still new to me and feels like a big responsibility too (it is, but also it's not a bad thing...).
kamani Posted April 5, 2020 Posted April 5, 2020 Hi OP, to your utter dismay I agree with Smackie and Mystery in this case. I have not much idea about the dating customs in USA or Japan, paying rent etc.. as I was brought up in a different culture but I understand one thing. A man would always love to have his gf around if he likes her, specially early in a relationship. All your posts scream that you don't like her company, don't like her around your house very often. You are not happy with your Japanese gf! First be honest to yourself! Either you were lonely in a different country and may be you settled for her in the absence of better options. We all run a risk of catching covid 19 if all members of the family are not at home all the time. Not all jobs can be done from home, so one partner has to go to work while the other works from home and even their children run the risk of catching the virus though they are at home. Do a favour to this woman and let a free to find a man who appreciates her. Find an FWB but make sure she knows she is an FWB 3
Ellener Posted April 5, 2020 Posted April 5, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, skanzer said: it's a little difficult going from being alone/single for years to suddenly finding an amazing girl and she's living with me. Pre-Covid there were a huge number of LS threads about the opposite- people not being able to find anyone let alone live with them! If you love her then you'll have to take the same chance as everyone else right now, or risk losing your relationship over it. Or maybe she could give up work until after the pandemic, manage on one wage. Certainly highlights the precarious nature of relationships without commitment, a crisis. Edited April 5, 2020 by Ellener wording
Lotsgoingon Posted April 5, 2020 Posted April 5, 2020 I asked you why you were afraid to talk to her about this? You didn't answer the question. You said "it's a no-win situation." No, you skipped a step. I asked, why can't you talk about this? Talk is talk ... you air feelings, you air thoughts, you see what each other thinks, you brainstorm, you stop anticipating what the other person thinks and feels and instead really check in with the other. You put two minds and two hearts together. The point of talking is to discover ... to think. You're saying there is no answer. Well heck, we wouldn't have any conversations at all if conversations required us to know the "answer" before we started. So let me be blunt: you're acting like someone who is afraid of talking to a partner. If you cannot talk to a partner at this time, when blunt talk about safety, is encouraged and acceptable, then your relationship ain't right, then you have a deeper problem. You cannot advocate for yourself. And no one relationship works--believe me I've tried!--when we give up our voice out of ear of the other's reaction. If you can't speak when your life is in play ... when your basic safety is at stake, then you aren't going to be able to speak about what movie to go to ... or anything else. You are effectively self-silenced. That's the issue here--not what she's doing. The issue you have talked yourself into silence. You can talk. Hey, I'm worried about you going out and passing closely to so many people. I'm worried about my own safety. I'm also worried about your parents when you see them. What are you thoughts? Of course, I'd like to see you, but I want to make sure we are both being responsible and safe. Speak!
kendahke Posted April 5, 2020 Posted April 5, 2020 You're not stuck. She's not a resident and she's not paying rent. Her name isn't on your lease agreement, so no, you're not stuck. You just have to tell her that since things are starting to get out of hand with the virus in Tokyo, it'd be best for her to stay with her parents until this has blown over. 1
kendahke Posted April 5, 2020 Posted April 5, 2020 (edited) 17 hours ago, skanzer said: I tell her to not come over, I'm pretty much shunning her from coming over, and then she goes and puts her parents at risk. Those are her parents, though... they can pay for her to rent her own place--or she can quit freeloading and pay for her own apartment. Quote She isn't able to work from home, so she still uses crowded subways/trains, then comes home after work. she doesn't pay rent or anything and lives with her parents, but she just comes as stays over very frequently (lately almost everyday), so she essentially de facto lives with me now. She's working, so what is she spending her money on if she's living rent free with both you and her parents? Edited April 5, 2020 by kendahke
SincereOnlineGuy Posted April 6, 2020 Posted April 6, 2020 On 4/4/2020 at 1:59 PM, skanzer said: Hi all, Wanted all your thoughts...I'm an American living in Tokyo. Thankfully, since over 1 month, the company I work at in Japan authorized a work from home policy, so they gave me a laptop and I've been working from home, staying home, and only go out when needed for groceries (actually the situation is pretty normal in Japan, it's not as severe as other countries and there's no 'social distancing' here, trains are still crowded, stores are still full and things have been mostly normal...but recently the situation is getting a bit worse). Anyways, my girlfriend is actually my greatest risk to getting coronavirus to put it bluntly. She isn't able to work from home, so she still uses crowded subways/trains, then comes home after work. She wears a mask all day, and it's generally a stressful situation for the whole world, and this is a strange situation/topic for me to bring up. I haven't mentioned anything to her, but I do sometimes feel uneasy. A random note that's related: she doesn't pay rent or anything and lives with her parents, but she just comes as stays over very frequently (lately almost everyday), so she essentially de facto lives with me now. I guess my question is this, is the right/loving response just accepting the risk? Should she just go to her parents home during this time? As mentioned, I haven't said anything to her, I'd just feel like a bad person to suggest her as some possibly virus-laden risk to my life, but it makes me uneasy, especially because I'm personally doing everything to avoid it aka staying home alone. If you are age 97... then don't just accept the risk. But any mention of it is stating the obvious. If her parents are 97... she might be making the best move in going to your home much of the time. Right now doesn't matter as much as if/when the virus begins to spread more in your local area... so maybe engage her in conversation beginning with: What should we do when this virus becomes more plentiful in our area? Then you can 'solve' your own concerns with her, instead of deciding that she is your only problem.
poppyfields Posted April 6, 2020 Posted April 6, 2020 (edited) I'm rather shocked that there's no social distancing and/or shelter in place order in a big city like Tokyo, sheeshus! Given that there's not, there is no reason why your girlfriend can't practice social distancing herself - remain six feet away from other passengers and other people while out and about. Is there another way to get to work other than crowded train and subway? Before our city's shelter in place order, I walked 1.5 miles to/from work every day versus taking public transport and risk getting the virus. Now with the stay at home order, I work remotely from home. If I don't, I risk getting fined $1000 USD and 6 months in jail. It's good she is wearing the mask, she should wear disposable gloves too. What is her work environment like? Is she able to work remotely from home? In any event, I empathize, you're in a tough spot! If you send her home, she puts her parents at risk, and you might come off as being cold hearted. No you WILL come off as being cold hearted. I mean if you were married, you wouldn't be sending her away, right? Is there someplace else "you" can go? My brother did that, his wife is a nurse and working, and during this crisis, he left and has rented a place up north, for safety purposes; both he and his wife know the risks while she is still required to work in what is considered an "essential service" - healthcare. Is there a separate room she can stay in while all this is going on? I just did some research and read that parts of Japan (I assume Tokyo since it's a major city) has been declared by your government as a "state of emergency." Cases of the virus are increasing so it may not be long until she will be required/ordered to stay home anyway. Anyway, good luck and try to stay healthy and safe! Edited April 6, 2020 by poppyfields
Els Posted April 6, 2020 Posted April 6, 2020 When you say "girlfriend" are you talking about someone you've only been dating for like 3 months, or are we talking someone you've been with for years and are thinking of marrying eventually? People with partners who are forced to work outside the home are definitely accepting the extra risk. I work from home, but my husband works in emergency services and cannot. We know that if anyone brings the virus home, it will be him. I am not even contemplating the thought of living separately, frankly it is not worth the risk reduction for a healthy person of my age. If I was immunocompromised for some reason, then we might consider it. If your girlfriend is truly a partner, I would accept the extra risk. If she's just someone you're dating casually, I would not.
poppyfields Posted April 6, 2020 Posted April 6, 2020 (edited) Elswyth, the risk of becoming infected and possibly dying from it? No one knows what their particular reaction will be should they contract it, many young otherwise healthy people have died from it. That is a huge risk to take, and I'm not sure I would even want my partner to take that big a risk. Not sure if you read my last post, but my SIL is a nurse and required to work; my brother (her husband) left the house and is staying in a rental up north, alone, until this monster virus calms down. They both know what a huge risk it would be to remain living together, while my SIL is still required to work with the public. They stay connected via zoom, Skype, email, text. This is a killer, someone very close to me just died, so please everyone, stay safe!! Edited April 6, 2020 by poppyfields 1
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