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Why is it always the mother that has to make big sacrifices, and how do you get over the upset it causes?

AnnieBannie

By AnnieBannie
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AnnieBannie New Member

AnnieBannie

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Why is it always the mother that has to make big sacrifices, and how do you get over the upset it causes? 

Basically, my boyfriend and I had a baby 6 weeks ago. We've been together two years and it wasn't planned, I was taking the pill and it was a huge surprise. But please, before anyone decides to lecture me on being stupid, we are both adults, we knew having sex has risks and I completely understand that it is not a good situation to be in! We both have a child each from previous relationships. 

We didn't live together when I found out I was pregnant, but started talking about it and looking at houses pretty much straight away. We discussed how I didn't want to live in his town, as it is half an hour away from my childs school and due to her learning issues and anxiety I won't change her schools, and he won't move away from his town as he wants to be as close as possible to his child. But later on in my pregnancy, he bought a house in his town without consulting me. He's told everyone we're going to live there together and how it's our house. Whilst we were looking at houses I suggested moving half way between both our children so neither of us can complain about being too far away. 

I'm more annoyed about him not consulting me and telling other people we had both agreed on it, and now it's just got me thinking about why is it always the mother that sacrifices everything? 

For the sake of our baby I feel like I do need to move into this house with him, and I'm upset that I feel like I'm losing everything. I'm going to live somewhere I really don't like, our baby has his surname (which I always wanted either mine or double barrelled), our baby will probably go to the school near his house, my child will still be going to the school half an hour away due to her issues, I need to come to terms with the fact I'm probably never going to get married now (he has mentioned he thinks marriage is a waste of money, but I never expected to be having a baby with him so it didn't bother me at the time). 

I just feel like I'm sacrificing everything I wanted and he's not compromising on anything. I'm also worried that if I do move into this house with him, I may grow to resent him due to feeling like its all down to me. I know it was a bad idea to have a child feeling like this, but as I said our baby was not planned and I do not need any lectures whilst I'm feeling so low. 

 

 

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Ellener Established Member

Ellener

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No lectures at all from me, babies arrive and we love them, that's all there is to it in my book. Plans are great but life happens anyway.

5 hours ago, AnnieBannie said:

he bought a house in his town without consulting me.

Fool!

Can you tell the father you are worried in advance of moving in? Try to 'clear the air' even if you end up going there for practical reasons? Tell him 'you're rushing me'! And you want the baby to have your name too.

Years ago my then husband took a job without properly consulting me, we moved ( 500 miles! ) together but really it was the end of the relationship and we subsequently separated and divorced, the lack of consultation and consideration was indicative of a bigger attitude problem he had to our marriage...and yes, it was all on me to re-settle our son and deal with all the practicalities, he just forged ahead with his career! Then was resentful when I fell apart with all the stress...

Also I would say despite what is happening, and what is going on in the world- try to enjoy the new baby. They really are lovely at this stage and it goes so fast, try to be in the moment with her and your family. I got that advice from my doctor when my son was born amid an extended family crisis, and I'm so glad I have those memories now. And photographs. 

 


 

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AnnieBannie New Member

AnnieBannie

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Thank you for your advice Ellener. 

We have talked about it a little bit, but he doesn't understand why I'm so annoyed. He just sees it as, he wants us to live together so he bought a house for us. Nothing about where the house is, or whether I'd like that particular house. I also feel like I shouldn't complain about it too much as it was him who bought it, it's his money he's using so he should get to decide a house he likes but surely I shouldn't be the only one sacrificing things. 

I want to do what's right for both of my children. Our baby would be better off with us living together, but my other child would be better off closer to her friends as she doesn't make them very easily. 

The surname problem is mainly my fault. When I was pregnant I was adament our baby would have both our surnames, as we couldn't agree on which one. A few hours after I gave birth my boyfriend said he was really upset about our baby having a different surname and I felt really bad so said we could choose his and we had an appointment at the registry office the next day. I completely regret this but he won't agree to change it. 

Our baby means everything to me! I absolutely love spending time with her and taking lots of photos, so there's no danger of me not making the most. 

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Why don't you just file for child support from him and stay put without him?  Give him joint custody so you have the baby half the time (once it's old enough) and he has it half.  That leaves you free to work some. 

Edited by preraph
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AnnieBannie New Member

AnnieBannie

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1 hour ago, preraph said:

Why don't you just file for child support from him and stay put without him?  Give him joint custody so you have the baby half the time (once it's old enough) and he has it half.  That leaves you free to work some. 

I know it may come down to that but at the minute I'm trying to see if we can figure out a way to make things work for the sake of our baby. 

preraph Established Member

preraph

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Parents who don't get along are worse for a child than separated ones who are happy, though.  Just keep that in mind.  He's already just disregarding your needs, so I don't see this ending well.  

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Ellener Established Member

Ellener

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At least give yourself some breathing space by saying you want to wait until the pandemic subsides? A newborn shouldn't be out and about right now etc etc.

Don't be rail-roaded, be stubborn instead!!

What kind of support do you have, family, friends?

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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AnnieBannie New Member

AnnieBannie

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I've already been very stubborn, telling him I won't move in there, but I don't know if it would be best to give in and see how it goes for a while. But why am I the one giving up everything I wanted! 

I have a friend I talk to about it, but she's very biased towards me so I never know whether it's true he's done wrong or if it's just because she's my friend so she's on my side kind of thing. 

Emilie Jolie Established Member

Emilie Jolie

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Sounds like you have a good friend there. 

2 hours ago, AnnieBannie said:

But why am I the one giving up everything I wanted! 

Because you got him used to giving in to his way. That's the truth of it. Not judging @AnnieBannie, this can happen to us all.

Look into adding your surname to your baby's name asap for a start. You don't have to move with him if you don't want to or feel it's not good for your kids. It'll be his name on the mortgage, not yours, and you'll be putting yourself in a very vulnerable position with a guy who's showing some signs of being at least a bit controlling. Your friend is right; you don't go about making a huge purchase like that without at least discussing options with your SO.

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Miss Clavel Established Member

Miss Clavel

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10 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Sounds like you have a good friend there. 

Because you got him used to giving in to his way. That's the truth of it. Not judging @AnnieBannie, this can happen to us all.

Look into adding your surname to your baby's name asap for a start. You don't have to move with him if you don't want to or feel it's not good for your kids. It'll be his name on the mortgage, not yours, and you'll be putting yourself in a very vulnerable position with a guy who's showing some signs of being at least a bit controlling. Your friend is right; you don't go about making a huge purchase like that without at least discussing options with your SO.

i agree. is she even on the deed? no way would i move into a house and start a life with a man that doesn't put my name on the deed.

imagine if something happens to him. or he decides to break up with her and keep the baby.

she might be "homeless' on paper and in a poor position to fight for custody.

 

Miss Clavel Established Member

Miss Clavel

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2 hours ago, AnnieBannie said:

I've already been very stubborn, telling him I won't move in there, but I don't know if it would be best to give in and see how it goes for a while. But why am I the one giving up everything I wanted! 

I have a friend I talk to about it, but she's very biased towards me so I never know whether it's true he's done wrong or if it's just because she's my friend so she's on my side kind of thing. 

he was wrong. and to that end do not share finances. he makes huge impulse purchases. are you even on the deed to the house?

i was not on the mortgage in the family home, which was an advantage it turned out later, but i was on the deed.

he can use that house as collateral to get up to all kinds of financial shenanigans. you might not even be aware of what he is up too..

he has to understand that as well meaning and loving as buying your new family a house is, it's not right to do so without consulting your partner.

that house is too far away for the child you already have.

period.

i set it up so that my last name and kids last names all matched. it's easier all around, including at school.

if you want to be married. then ask him for a time line.

if you are married to him you will be protected financially, if he dies. you keep the house and all the kids together. and you will be "vested' in his social security. again, if he is gone you will receive a monthly death benefit and the kids might receive benefits and lower cost education.

these are life changing decisions, ones with far reaching consequences. take time out to get some legal advice.

take him to a lawyer. both of you need a will and and the lawyer can add your sir name to the new baby's birth certificate as well as give you advice on how to include your name on the deed.

good luck

 

Edited by Miss Clavel
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nittygritty Established Member

nittygritty

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Take back some control over your life and your children’s lives. Continuing to go along with whatever he wants just to try to get along doesn’t work. Find out what the laws are in your area to legally change your child’s name to include your last name. Do not move into his house with him at this vulnerable time in your life. It is not what is in the best interest of your other child. It was not a mutual decision and you do get to decide where you live. Yes it might be more difficult at first but you won’t become even more vulnerable and dependent on someone that doesn’t include you in decisions that involve your life and your children’s lives.  Has he been helping you take care of the baby?

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amaysngrace Established Member

amaysngrace

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Where’s your first child’s father?  Is he in the picture?  

Does your first child have your last name or her Dad’s?  Were you married to her Dad so that at least you two have the same last name? 

If BF is so gung-ho about his last name he should give it to everyone (your first-born too if it’s reasonable) before you step foot in that house otherwise you’ll just be his cook, maid and nanny.

 

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AnnieBannie New Member

AnnieBannie

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My first child does not have a father, she was the result of rape so she has my surname. I've looked into changing our baby's surname but from what I can see both parents need to provide consent, and he has said there is no chance he will agree to it. 

He does help with our baby, he's a very good father in general but he does work a lot so doesn't spend as much time as I do with her. 

I'm not on the deed for the house, I'm not involved in any legal aspects of the house, it's all his. 

nittygritty Established Member

nittygritty

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Some states allow you to amend the birth certificate (including the child’s name) within the first 6 months or even up to a year after the child’s birth without a court order. You are a single mother which usually gives you more parental rights and you might not need his consent to change the baby’s last name. You should talk to an attorney ASAP. Does he financially help with the baby?  Whether you move in with him or not he needs to be financially supporting his child.

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AnnieBannie New Member

AnnieBannie

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2 hours ago, nittygritty said:

Some states allow you to amend the birth certificate (including the child’s name) within the first 6 months or even up to a year after the child’s birth without a court order. You are a single mother which usually gives you more parental rights and you might not need his consent to change the baby’s last name. You should talk to an attorney ASAP. Does he financially help with the baby?  Whether you move in with him or not he needs to be financially supporting his child.

From what I've read, you don't need a court order if both parents agree but if one parent objects then you do need a court order. But I will be consulting with a professional when this whole pandemic situation has calmed down. 

He pays for his own baby milk and clothes for his house. At the moment we go between houses, staying at mine during the week and at his on weekends. He hasn't moved into this new house yet due it needing a lot of work done so it will be at least 2 or 3 weeks before it is in a good condition to live in. 

preraph Established Member

preraph

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10 hours ago, AnnieBannie said:

I've already been very stubborn, telling him I won't move in there, but I don't know if it would be best to give in and see how it goes for a while. But why am I the one giving up everything I wanted! 

I have a friend I talk to about it, but she's very biased towards me so I never know whether it's true he's done wrong or if it's just because she's my friend so she's on my side kind of thing. 

Believe your friend.  He's only going to stay with you as long as everything is his way, and that's not going to work.  He's disregarding what you need or want.  Why even get that started?  Have him do his half by taking joint custody.  

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Ellener Established Member

Ellener

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I think you need to stay where you are for now at least. 

1 hour ago, AnnieBannie said:

I will be consulting with a professional when this whole pandemic situation has calmed down. 

Then I can't imagine why you would move in with him. Put everything on hold for now.

Good luck.

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major_merrick Established Member

major_merrick

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I get that with an unplanned pregnancy, you weren't quite prepared to make a family with this man.  That makes it tough.

BUT.  At this point, unity with your child's father ought to be your main goal, because without that you won't have stability.  Move into the house, your first kid can make new friends.  I don't get the sense that you're paying for this house, right?  As for the name - children traditionally have their father's surname.  That's just how its done, so why change things now?  Change your name, change your first child's name, and that way you've all got the same name and nobody will ask questions. Find something good in your future, and it'll change your perspective.

When I married my husband, I sold my home.  I moved into his place, and my children have his name.  I changed my name too, but I wasn't very attached to that anyways.  The things I gave up were less than the things I gained.  Yeah, I missed the stuff I lost for a while, but I've made up for that and I'm more content now.  I don't have my name on the house, but he doesn't have his name on the money that I've made so it doesn't matter to me.  If you want a measure of security, you can always insist that he marries you.  I can't imagine wanting to be a single mother or tolerating that kind of life.  If my husband didn't want to keep me around, he'd be raising the kids instead of me. 

nittygritty Established Member

nittygritty

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1 hour ago, major_merrick said:

I can't imagine wanting to be a single mother or tolerating that kind of life.  If my husband didn't want to keep me around, he'd be raising the kids instead of me. 

So you would abandon your kids if your husband didn’t want to keep you around?  What if he dies?  Would you abandon them then too? Or would you let your girlfriends and his other wives help you raise them?  

major_merrick Established Member

major_merrick

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@nittygrittyI wouldn't "abandon" them.  If my husband wanted rid of me, they'd live with their father....I wouldn't take them with me, as they'd be better off with him  Obviously if my husband died, that would be a different story.

I just don't understand the assumption that kids living with a single mother is necessarily the automatic choice, or even a good choice.  But in the OP's case, it sounds like the man who's fathered her child wants to take care of her and the baby.  And not just his own baby, but his partner's baby from an unknown and unwanted father.  That's a great thing and extremely commendable.  I hope that they can work out the issues between them.  That's what's best for the kids. 

To me, the OP's partner sounds like a reasonable planner and provider.  He's definitely got some learning to do about negotiating with a woman, but he won't learn that from a distance.  He'll figure it out by having closer contact with her, and men often mellow with time in a relationship.  And as far as letting a child's friendships and schooling determine living location?  That isn't exactly priority #1.  School is school pretty much wherever.  Food on the table, roof over your heads, gas in the tank, and stability gotta come first. 

Ellener Established Member

Ellener

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3 hours ago, major_merrick said:

I can't imagine wanting to be a single mother or tolerating that kind of life.  If my husband didn't want to keep me around, he'd be raising the kids instead of me. 

Easy to say that, but many of us have successfuly raised children on our own you know!

1 hour ago, major_merrick said:

Food on the table, roof over your heads, gas in the tank, and stability gotta come first. 

A woman can provide that as well as a man for herself, as many women prove daily.

It's no harder than tolerating a life with no freedom or choices. 

Your 'stable' marital definition would be unpleasant and intolerable for me, rather than giving me increased security and happiness, which we all find in different ways. 

 

 

 

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major_merrick Established Member

major_merrick

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Well, life's definitely got choices - you can't have it all.  But women who make those choices and prioritize their independence shouldn't complain about the consequences of those choices, or expect a ton of help and deference from society for giving up security they could have had.  If a woman wants to prioritize being independent and having most things her own way, she's gotta take the bad along with the good and not expect it to change. 

 

Ellener Established Member

Ellener

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Got to take the bad with the good whatever we do 'it rains on the righteous and unrighteous alike' and all that!

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AnnieBannie New Member

AnnieBannie

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10 hours ago, major_merrick said:

Change your name, change your first child's name, and that way you've all got the same name and nobody will ask questions.

I would never change my surname unless I was married, and I wouldn't change my eldest child's name unless I was married either. My eldest is 10 now, so her name is important to her. 

6 hours ago, major_merrick said:

 If a woman wants to prioritize being independent and having most things her own way, she's gotta take the bad along with the good and not expect it to change. 

 

I don't want everything my own way, I want a compromise for somethings. Either our house, our baby's name or marriage but I'm having to give up all of my wants for the sake of what he wants without even being consulted on anything. He's doing all of these things and expecting me to go along with it no problem. I understand the name is my fault as I gave in for a bit but I am still allowed to have regrets and want to talk about it. 

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