Determine the Relationship talk during Social Isolation. Bad idea? Good? or am I being selfish here?

[colors_of]

35 M (me) and 36 F (her). 

We have been dating for four months, including the last two weeks in social isolation.

We never had a DTR talk. In fact, the first two months of dating was kind of hot / cold on both our sides. So things didn't heat up until after that. I had planned on having the DTR talk the next time we saw each other, but then our state issued a stay in place order.

So here we are, two weeks into social distancing. Each time we video chat, I realize how much I miss her. But, at the same time, I can't help but feel she has grown a little more distant? Maybe that's because being social distancing is just that, being socially distant? 

Anyways.

Is it the proper time to have this talk? We'd have to have it over the phone, of course. Which is awkward. Our state is looking at a possible 2 months more of this, and personally, I'd rather know now if she sees a possible future together rather than wait 2 months to do this in person. Is this selfish?

I'm a little anxious / nervous about all this because of how rough we started out, and the longer the conversation isn't happening the more I want to know!

Any suggestions? 

[poppyfields]

Just my opinion but it's never a good idea to have "the talk" when you're feeling anxious and insecure. 

Because basically what that is is you seeking reassurance and it can come across to your partner as overly needy and yeah, anxious and insecure. 

Best to have the talk when your connection is strong, you both know it's strong, you both feel secure and confident in your relationship and where it's heading. 

The talk should only be confirmation of that - what you both already know or can sense.

I've actually never felt the need to have the talk, and I've been in several long term relationships (more than one year).

I just go with what I'm feeling and sensing about how we interact, our chemistry; how we connect, my intuition really. 

If in those early stages, it ever feels off and I feel insecure or off balance, then I know it's wrong for me, and just end it. 

But I get some people need to define it, but like I said, best to have that talk when feeling good and positive, not in an effort to seek reassurance. 

Use this time to connect in a different way.  Through video chat, email, phone, be creative! 

JMO

Edited April 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gr8fuln2020]

53 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

If in those early stages, it ever feels off and I feel insecure or off balance, then I know it's wrong for me, and just end it. 

But I get some people need to define it, but like I said, best to have that talk when feeling good and positive, not in an effort to seek reassurance. 

Use this time to connect in a different way.  Through video chat, email, phone, be creative! 

JMO

So, if things don't "feel" right, you just end it? No talk?

People's intuitions are often wrong. Personally, I need concrete, verbalized confirmation AND obvious actions. Is often the case that the lack of direct communication is where people fail.

I do agree that this is not the time to have the conversation.

Edited April 3, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

So, if things don't "feel" right, you just end it? No talk?

People's intuitions are often wrong. Personally, I need concrete, verbalized confirmation AND obvious actions. Is often the case that the lack of direct communication is where people fail.

I do agree that this is not the time to have the conversation.

Mine isn't, I'm extremely perceptive and intuitive, more than average, and yeah when I feel off balance and insecure, there is a reason for it, and it's not me.

I wish folks would follow their intuition more often, instead of trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.

I'm talking early stages (first 3-4) months.

After that, if I feel there's an issue to be discussed, I will discuss it.

But in the OP's situation, yeah I'd just walk. Life is too short and there are too many other men out there to be bothered by that, no matter how intoxicating the chemistry, which sounds like it may be one sided  anyway. 

Edited April 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

32 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

So, if things don't "feel" right, you just end it? No talk?

People's intuitions are often wrong. Personally, I need concrete, verbalized confirmation AND obvious actions. Is often the case that the lack of direct communication is where people fail.

I do agree that this is not the time to have the conversation.

I actually don't trust DTR talks.  People can "say" whatever the * they want to keep someone around, doesn't necessarily mean they mean it.

In fact, from reading these forums and others, they often don't. 

I judge by actions and how well we "connect," which I can feel, sense.  This is over and above our physical  chemistry.

Perhaps I'm lucky that way, being so perceptive and intuitive but it hasn't failed me yet. 

Edited April 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[Malin889]

9 hours ago, colors_of said:

35 M (me) and 36 F (her). 

We have been dating for four months, including the last two weeks in social isolation.

We never had a DTR talk. In fact, the first two months of dating was kind of hot / cold on both our sides. So things didn't heat up until after that. I had planned on having the DTR talk the next time we saw each other, but then our state issued a stay in place order.

So here we are, two weeks into social distancing. Each time we video chat, I realize how much I miss her. But, at the same time, I can't help but feel she has grown a little more distant? Maybe that's because being social distancing is just that, being socially distant? 

Anyways.

Is it the proper time to have this talk? We'd have to have it over the phone, of course. Which is awkward. Our state is looking at a possible 2 months more of this, and personally, I'd rather know now if she sees a possible future together rather than wait 2 months to do this in person. Is this selfish?

I'm a little anxious / nervous about all this because of how rough we started out, and the longer the conversation isn't happening the more I want to know!

Any suggestions? 

Why was it hot and cold the first couple months? So you are not planning to see her at all in person during this time? 

[Fletch Lives]

Listen to poppyfields.

There is no need for an exclusivity talk. People who have integrity and who are in love are naturally monogamous.

[Haerts]

18 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Listen to poppyfields.

There is no need for an exclusivity talk. People who have integrity and who are in love are naturally monogamous.

I beg to differ. I would happily have an open relationship with someone I love as long as all the cards are on the table. And until I have the talk, which means to me that we're not officially dating, I would probably keep my options open and I'll continue seeing other guys, if I feel like it that's it. 

IMO it is important to clarify the situation. It's not about reassurance, it's about knowing where you stand. But I agree that it's not the right time. It's a very fragile moment for everybody, so wait a little more, see if there's a chance you two can meet and then maybe you can talk to her about it. Meanwhile try to find something to entertain yourself so you keep mind off of things.

[poppyfields]

@Haerts, I agree.  And I believe it's what I said in my first post as well.

It's good to "clarify" things  which means imho clarify what you both pretty much already know - that you're exclusive and both on the same path re where you want and hope it will go.

Not to seek reassurance of what feels off to you, or causing you to feel anxious and insecure.

I've never had that talk but if I were dating again (I'm in a LTR) I would. 

Not a big heavy serious discussion, try to make it light and fun.

To the OP, why was your relationship so hot and cold in the beginning? 

What's your definition of hot and cold?

I know many who would not agree with this but a bit of push/pull is not always such a bad thing, it can keep you both excited and challenged.

But you probably need a more secure attachment style for that, do you know what your attachment style is? 

Edited April 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[Malin889]

How were things “rough” for the first two months? Why do you want to continue if things were do rough/hot and cold for the first half of the “relationship” or whatever it is. What changed /got better to make you want to continue? Perhaps this not seeing each other is a test in a way to see if you both want to be with each other. 

[Lotsgoingon]

The fact that you haven't had the talk is often a sign that you are not bonding fully as a couple. Whenever I've had to work hard and plan the talk and all that, there's been a problem. 

The talk is important, absolutely. But it's confirmation of the energy and affection already present. My advice: just see if you guys can connect over this time. Let things emerge. Forcing the talk is rarely productive. BTW: your intuition is probably right when you feel her being distant. Another reason you don't need to have the talk.

You want to have the talk when you feel close to her ... and she's feeling close to you.  I'm not just talking strategy ... you have the talk because the relationship is worthy of the talk. Often the talk "just happens." 

 

[FMW]

I agree with Lotsgoingon.  Just wanted to add one thing about her seeming "distant".  For me, I unfortunately do start to feel distant in romantic relationships when we aren't in regular face to face contact, especially if I know that's not going to change for a while.  Since this shut down is going to continue for an unknown length of time it's going to be difficult for a lot of people in newer relationships to maintain the momentum.

Just stay in touch with her and see how it goes.  

[poppyfields]

FMW, it's so interesting how different we all are. 

Your comment about feeling disconnected when there's distance? 

I'm the opposite, I often feel more love and closeness (emotionally) when there's a bit of distance.

I do well in LDRs for that reason, I'm in one now. 

I think it's important that a couple's attachment styles match, for me I'm fortunate that my boyfriend is also okay with the distance. 

Always be true to yourself and don't try to match to what your partner's style is, it rarely works.

You can try to adapt but if you find that to be hurtful to you then perhaps it's best to rethink the relationship.

Best of luck and stay healthy and safe.  xx

Edited April 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Bad. A lot of people want to lock it down when the person is pulling away in order to keep them there. I think that conversation should be have when you can tell both are  really into each other and things are going well . JMO

[Interstellar]

Your gut is telling you something. Don’t ignore it, she’s  growing distant because you spend too much time talking to her. You have to SLOWLY withdraw. 

And by the way, hot and cold from a woman in the beginning is never a good sign. It means her interest is not even 50 percent to begin with. Do you really want that?  Wait for her to bring up the relationship talk, when she brings it up first you’re not getting rejected. When you bring it up it’s 50-50, and you’ll be rejected. Meanwhile, continue thinking about other women.

Edited April 4, 2020 by Interstellar

[smackie9]

Should have had that conversation a long time ago. Anyways people pull away because they feel you are being clingy. Be kool and a little aloof, but also be up beat, pleasant to chat with. If you are having sappy convos or of gloom/doom, cut it out. Pretty much it's human nature to be attracted to confident positive people.

[preraph]

On 4/2/2020 at 9:04 PM, poppyfields said:

Just my opinion but it's never a good idea to have "the talk" when you're feeling anxious and insecure. 

That is excellent advice.  "The talk" often ends up in a breakup because the other person feels crowded or they feel like the other person is way ahead of them in emotions and can't be with them and just have fun anymore and that it's not fair to keep it going.  And doing it in a crisis like this?  No.  What everyone needs right now is someone who is still fun and entertaining, even if it's remotely or just in chat.  Use this time to be the one who isn't all doom and gloom.  

[Malin889]

15 hours ago, Interstellar said:

And by the way, hot and cold from a woman in the beginning is never a good sign. It means her interest is not even 50 percent to begin with. Do you really want that? 

I was thinking that too, the hot and cold at the beginning is very odd and unnerving, I would not be comfortable with it.