theflan Posted April 1, 2020 Posted April 1, 2020 Meet this woman a year ago in a group fitness class. I had a thing for her but it took time to figure out who she was and if married and she was. Jump to Jan of 2020 and I discovered she was separated. Looking at the court documents it seemed the divorce might be final Our communications started picking up and she gave off every signal that she was single and ready to date. We decided to go hiking and a few days before we went she used the phrase"my ex-husband." While hiking she discussed her marriage and then said " we are still married" and thought it would be over soon. WE had a great time and I was wondering what we would do next. Her husband is a Canadian citizen but she and her kids moved here 12 years ago. He refused to get his US citizenship. He was around about 4 months of the year. The kids are grown. He has decided to come to the US which would be up to 6 months and is staying in the house with her. She said she can't throw him out as it is his house as well. Long story short, what if any contact should I have with her? I'm not looking to be dating a married or separated woman. The times I would see her at the gym are on hold as all the gyms are closed. Just weird timing with all the stuff going on. I'm pretty sure, especially since her husband is here now, she would not want to be doing anything with me. which I understand. Hope that makes sense.
Miss Spider Posted April 1, 2020 Posted April 1, 2020 (edited) Tbh, one of my exes taught me a valuable lesson about keeping orbiters or female friends. After I broke up with him he had So many women lined up for rebound.. See no harm in keeping in touch with her until her divorce settles. Not saying to put any eggs in her basket but Why burn that bridge? Edited April 1, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
rjc149 Posted April 1, 2020 Posted April 1, 2020 She is still technically married according to a legally-binding document, but the marriage is over. Whether you choose to look at the situation legally, or as an intimate relationship that is no longer current, is up to you. Two things stand out, from what you've written: 1. He's going to be cohabiting with his wife for 6 months. This can mean he has no intention of getting a separate place for himself and he's coming to attempt reconciliation, or it can mean he's indifferent and views his soon-to-be ex wife as a roommate. I would err toward assuming that the husband isn't as done with the marriage as she is. 2. It's clear she's lining you up as an orbiter, holding you at a yellow light, but has she expressed interest in dating *you* or just dating again in general? If the sexual attraction isn't obviously mutual or hasn't been acted upon, I wouldn't pursue this woman right now. Sure, keep in touch, but lower expectations to basically zero. A word of warning, women rebounding out of a marriage are going to be all over the place emotionally (needing support while also needing space), and attractive ones will want to play the field and "make up for lost time" sowing their wild oats for a while before getting into another relationship. Your relationship with her, should that come to be, will likely be intense and very sexual, but brief, and you're very likely to end up hurt. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 I wouldn't bother with this one, OP. It's likely to be too complicated while her husband is still living with her. Too much unfinished emotional business there. 1
Mystery4u Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 So you started communicating with her.. went hiking with her... which indicates you are romantically interested in her.. but for some weird reason she is happy for her soon to be ex husband to come back to the house and live with her? Okaaaaay...... Makes no sense. If they are seperated there is no way he should be coming back and living in the house together. When my parents divorced when I was a child, my dad moved out of the house they bought together (and rightly so) and rented a room, until my mum paid him off for his half. She has too much baggage with a divorce, 2 kids, ex husband still living with her, but if you are happy with all that then sure stay in touch. Personally I would run a mile. 1
Blind-Sided Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 This is a tough one. I personally don't like the fact that she doesn't want her stbxH to leave... or she won't leave him. But I know when my exW made the choice that she didn't want to be married anymore... there was minimal interaction between us other than the occasional meal since the kids were also in the house. So... just because they are in the same house, doesn't mean she has any feelings for him. So the real questions are: 1) Can you deal with the potential rebound relationship with her? (She may be fun, but just decide she needs time to herself when things are final) 2) Are you ok with her baggage? The kids and ex will always be part of this. (You, at some level could become "dad") With the girl I'm starting to see... I have already addressed those 2 points. She didn't ask me directly about the legal point of my divorce... but before we had ever gotten physical, I actually showed her my divorce decree to ease her mind. It wasn't during a conversation about the divorce... but we were talking about my kids. I showed it to her and said it was my "Official, I don't care about you anymore" document. Then, on the point of my kids... since I have them with me WAY more than my ex does... I told her that since she is an adult in the house, she has the right to correct them if need be. She then told me... "I don't want to become mom... but I guess your girls won't really need to be disciplined anyway." (I have good kids) Anyway... as others have said... don't burn the bridge because... who knows what can come of this. BUT... prepare yourself for a rebound. 1
Brandonmo Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 I've been in a similar situation before and I ended up regretting my actions, I'd say you can keep in touch for sure but don't take it seriously for now, if she's not shown you the same level of interest as yourself it could be she's looking for a rebound like others have said or shes still confused on what to do because she isn't sure about the both of you yet. Keeping in touch is the only way to find out although it might break your heart if you dont get what you want out of it. 1
rjc149 Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 (edited) I do remember that one of my buddies when I was a kid had parents that were going through a divorce. His mom cheated on his dad, cuckolded him basically, but dad was too broke to get his own place for a while so -- he lived in the attic for a while. I don't know if it was for 6 months (that long) but I remember I would have sleep-overs, and we'd mainly be hanging out in the attic with dad, but going downstairs for dinner with mom, sometimes with the other man joining. Very weird. Dad was okay living in the attic while his wife and her lover were cooking dinner in his kitchen and eating it at his dining table. Both parents were leftist-leaning liberal feminist types, I think that explains some of the male castration mentality. So maybe Mr. Canada is too broke to get his own place, or, sees his stay in the US as temporary and is willing to live a separate life in the spare bedroom. Also likely is that this woman isn't being 100% honest about the state of her marriage, and is hedging her bets right now by filling her pipeline with orbiters. Women don't throw out their only pair of shoes. Edited April 2, 2020 by rjc149 1
Fletch Lives Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 If she was available, she would not have said it's his house too.......she would not allow him to stay there. 1
manfrombelow2 Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 I see red flags everywhere from your side of the story: 1- She's technically married (yes she told you she is GOING TO divorce, but that is still pending, so...). 2- She's going to share a house (I don't care whose house it is) with her husband for at least 6 months to come (I don't care whatever reasons there are). 3- It seems to me that you two didn't even have sex yet. If you did, then my bad. So, unless she is 100% single and available right at the moment, I say forget about her and move on. Why? Because that's what a man with self-respect and dignity would do. If you allow yourself to get stuck in this mess of a so-called "relationship", you will be drained out, you will become a pathetic orbiter whilst this woman enjoys the best of both worlds: An orbiter who is her biggest follower (you), and a legal husband who is very likely still providing for her material needs. Come on. Turn around and run as fast as you can, while you still can. 1
manfrombelow2 Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 Oh and I forgot to notice she has kids too. Run man, just run. 2
Miss Spider Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 (edited) I agree with that if the guy is prone to Oneitis or has low immunity to the feels. But if theflan thinks he can manage his expectations it could work. It doesn’t have to be covid19 or nothing. I used to think orbiters were a bit sad, and they definitely can be, but not always. The orbiter that drops everything to listen to her vomit her emotions about other guys onto him, indeed, is sad. But the guy who stays in orbit, liking her pics, and slides in her dm after she broke up with her bf is an ok dude in my book. Sometimes it DOES work. Edited April 2, 2020 by Cookiesandough
Author theflan Posted April 2, 2020 Author Posted April 2, 2020 All great responses. I'm a bit older I'm not sure what the ages are of you folks. Every woman I date has been divorced most of them after 25 years. If it wasn't for the virus thing I would be seeing her 2 to 3 times a week. The gym and classes were canceled the day after we went hiking. I was counting on that being our interaction while she figured things out. I would see her and talk to her but When this is all over I will be seeing her in a social setting anyway. I come to this site cuz you all say what you mean and I like. ALL of my friends are married and have been fir years so they are no help. If I listening to myself... Sending her direct messages on any sort of regularness is not good. One, she is still married and I don't like that feeling. Two, If I go back and think, she was dishonest about her marital status which I was not real happy with. I think I will go back to an occasional "like" or comment on her social media and go from there. I think I let it slide cuz her husband wasn't here. The reality is this whole thing kinda went against my norms. If I had just meet her and didn't know her, , I would have walked away. On a dating site I'm on I laugh when a woman has her status as separated. You know for sure something is wrong there. Now that I've read what I've written I think I'll go back to how it was before and not like her social media stuff. I didn't before because I knew she was married. I'll see her again at some point and will see what's going on then. She could be lying about all of this. I was a bit pissed when she said her husband was going to be staying with her. She put the house on the market yesterday because she can't get her own place til the house sells. She said when the house sells she'll have her freedom. We shall see. THANKS EVERYONE!!
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