Maybe he's slowly fading?

[Haerts]

42 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Bottom line, I think you should let him do every shred of work to grab your attention and don't wait or sideline yourself for it. I wouldn't shut the door completely, no need to but he's pure entertainment  If a guy was reading this, he'd laugh at how much we're analyzing it etc

Hahaha, indeed! 

I guess I will continue doing what I'm doing, dating other people, keeping my options open and carrying on with my life.

(tho I'm also considering not seeing him again until he sorts out what he wants; that is, if that ever happen. I really don't like the idea of being around for God knows how long to figure out whether he will eventually want something more or not)

[stillafool]

9 hours ago, Haerts said:

And if I didn't feel like he does feel something as well, there wouldn't be a thread either...

What has he done or said that makes you think he feels something special for you?

Have you come out and asked him what he wants?

 

 

 

 

[Haerts]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

What has he done or said that makes you think he feels something special for you?

Have you come out and asked him what he wants?

I never said that he feels something special. I said that he feels something - whether it's special or not, I don't know. Last video call he actually said he likes me although I guess that doesn't mean much.

Still he's already made it very clear that he's not looking for a relationship now. I get it.

If he wasn't reaching out at all, I wouldn't care anymore. But it's been 2 weeks since I backed off completely, yet almost every day, there he is commenting on everything I post, video calling me or asking about my day.

By the way, I just remembered that I posted on Monday night a few stories of me in a nearby park and one could tell I was with someone else (I was in a date). He saw it. Isn't it odd that the very next day, in the morning, he was video calling me suggesting me to download Tinder? Now that I'm thinking about it, @Versacehottie and @poppyfields have a good point, it looks like he was indeed kinda testing me.

He's a great guy and I believe he's interested at some extent but something is holding him back. The whole thing is about whether or not I should stay in this to see if we are getting somewhere. So my choices would be: a) continue but with absolutely no expectations and fully carrying on with my life, which is what I've been doing; or b) cut ties and forget about it, which is what I'm really considering doing. 

Edited April 15, 2020 by Haerts

[stillafool]

Have you actually asked him what he is looking for and told him what you're looking for?

[poppyfields]

@Haerts, after reading all your posts, the sense I'm getting is that he's doing what many people do, sadly -- allowing his fears to drive his ship.

I may get beat up for saying this, but it's often the case with some people, that the stronger the feelings, the stronger the fear, the stronger the urge to push away.

To me, it truly does appear he's afraid of "something" whether it's getting hurt again, getting too close, could be any number of things, all of which result in some seriously bizarre and confusing behaviour! 

Yeah, back off for now, let him come to you.  Assuming you think he's worth it. 

It may appear like HE is the one in control, when the reality is, he's not, YOU are!  

Edited April 15, 2020 by poppyfields

[Versacehottie]

11 hours ago, Haerts said:

Hahaha, indeed! 

I guess I will continue doing what I'm doing, dating other people, keeping my options open and carrying on with my life.

(tho I'm also considering not seeing him again until he sorts out what he wants; that is, if that ever happen. I really don't like the idea of being around for God knows how long to figure out whether he will eventually want something more or not)

haha....

ok, about the "not seeing him again" comment that you made above.  I would respectfully say that the way you worded it, leaves the power in his hands and belies how you really feel about it: effectively that there is an element, a strong one, that you are "waiting" for him.  Doing what I suggested is tough--I would bet the majority of people CANNOT do it, each interaction and space he takes in your mind, your effort, your thoughts (even those not expressed to him) invests a person further.  Any actual time spent with him or interacting with him will probably give a person glimmers of hope.  If you feel in any way, that you are waiting until he "sorts out what he wants" it's probably too dangerous of a game to play for you.  You have to change your mindset that YOU can and will change your own course whenever you feel like it on a whim since you are in no way tied to him officially.  Not that continued conversation, etc will be a waiting game for you.  See, one is a passive role in your own life and the other is active decision-maker and creator of your life and where it's headed.  The latter is much more attractive and tends to draw people toward you, even if the day to day action with him is effectively the same.  These are the things people pick up from the other person non-verbally, in the wording of any interaction, text and the vibe you give off in every action.

In your current mindset, if I am interpreting it correctly from this one post, I don't think you should see him again as it is unbalanced.  Listen, here's the thing you don't owe him an explanation or a status update of what YOU are going to do.  Just like a guy, or him specifically, just keep him in the dark until you figure out what you want to do given his position currently. (lol, for all he knows maybe you will have taken up his suggestion that you get back on tinder!!)  If you are confused as you indicated above, there is nothing wrong with doing NOTHING until you are moved to do something. Choosing to do nothing IS an action and an action that puts your needs above his and not in a state of waiting on his terms but waiting on your terms, ie until you have more clarity about how you choose to deal with it.  You can manage it this way and do exactly what i said by letting him make every shred of effort. Choose to respond or not respond. Your answers will come to you eventually--you just need to put yourself in the drivers seat for real.  So much more power with this.  I hope i'm making sense.  This is exactly how a great majority of guys play their game dating.  I have no idea why more girls don't, except that we are built like that neurologically and from our conditioning growing up etc.  It's basically the same way you would play it when some guy you are not that keen on is wanting to date you--you automatically would put yourself in the position of power and as the decider.  The trouble is so often as women we are conditioned to want a relationship, bond quickly with bonding hormones as soon as there is physical stuff, that we jump wayyyyy down the line to wanting a relationship, wanting to see where it could go etc, wanting to go on that next date.  What I always say, is to break it down into the very current moment and don't jump further ahead than today.  Then see if you find his behavior off your last interaction with him sufficient or compelling enough to give it another day.  Don't think beyond that.  That's how you get a guy to want to prove himself to you, show you his best continually etc.  It's easy to say and harder to do.  I don't mean it as game playing,--it has to be organically your true mindset.  Ok, good luck

Edited April 15, 2020 by Versacehottie

[Malin889]

On 3/31/2020 at 6:08 AM, Haerts said:

I'm not expecting him to be falling in love, as I'm not either, it's all too recent. What caught my attention is that he was so affectionate and attentive, and now I feel it's different. 

Now that you mentioned the rebound though, I remembered that he said he broke up 4 months ago (1 year relationship) because apparently his ex was moving to another country with no return. I even asked if he wanted to talk about it, he said no and I noticed he got a little emotional over it. I suppose you're spot on, maybe I should give him some time and see how it goes? What do you think?

Regardless, I'm still talking to other guys and my life is usually pretty busy, so I'm fine. It would be great to hear something from him though I guess.

Definitely don’t go over someone’s house who you just met and going over someone’s house who you just met four times in one week is a lot. He might be one of those type of people who love bombs a woman and then goes away. I don’t know if there’s a name for that. Anyway don’t get your hopes up and just keep chugging along. It’s better to be slow and steady then fast and burn out.

[Haerts]

11 hours ago, stillafool said:

Have you actually asked him what he is looking for and told him what you're looking for?

Not directly, but he already said he's not looking for a relationship now. To be reaaaaally honest, I wasn't either and I told him that. He kinda made me change my mind tho, not gonna deny that.

 

10 hours ago, poppyfields said:

To me, it truly does appear he's afraid of "something" whether it's getting hurt again, getting too close, could be any number of things, all of which result in some seriously bizarre and confusing behaviour! 

That would be my take as well. He's a great guy, if he was open hearted and truly making it happen, things would be so, so amazing. But if he's not letting me in, what's the point of going on?

 

10 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

ok, about the "not seeing him again" comment that you made above.  I would respectfully say that the way you worded it, leaves the power in his hands and belies how you really feel about it: effectively that there is an element, a strong one, that you are "waiting" for him.

Wouldn't that be the case? I mean, I would have a relationship with him IF he was looking for that too, my heart is free. I enjoy being around him very much, I know I have some feelings, I'm just not letting that stop my life. 

Still I wish I could see him 100% as entertainment, I probably would if we didn't have such a strong connection at first, but unfortunately I can't see him that way. I feel like the feelings I have for him are getting weaker and weaker each day, because I'm not after him or waiting for him at all. But I'm afraid the moment we get together again, these will arise again.

That's why I'm considering going down with this ship and stop this confusion. Now I'm the one afraid of carrying this on and end up getting hurt. 

[Versacehottie]

15 hours ago, Haerts said:

Wouldn't that be the case? I mean, I would have a relationship with him IF he was looking for that too, my heart is free. I enjoy being around him very much, I know I have some feelings, I'm just not letting that stop my life. 

Still I wish I could see him 100% as entertainment, I probably would if we didn't have such a strong connection at first, but unfortunately I can't see him that way. I feel like the feelings I have for him are getting weaker and weaker each day, because I'm not after him or waiting for him at all. But I'm afraid the moment we get together again, these will arise again.

That's why I'm considering going down with this ship and stop this confusion. Now I'm the one afraid of carrying this on and end up getting hurt. 

Well if you don't "jump ahead to what you want with someone" you are never waiting--you are just experiencing and taking things in the moment. I think most people aren't built like that naturally.  You've already decided you would have a relationship with him IF he wanted one.  Why? What has he proven to you? How well do you really know him?  Isn't what he's done so far, make him questionable anyway?  Effectively, with this mindset you've already created an unbalance where you are in the position of lesser power and of "waiting".

I think based on what you've said, you probably shouldn't see or have contact with him anymore.  It's like playing with fire for you.  I would suggest that you reframe how you characterize it though: it's not going down with the ship, ie as in you are the one who lost; you are not confused just choosing the best course of action for you; and you really don't know if you would want a relationship with him.  All this thinking will help your mindset for the next one and help you from being in a lesser position..  You just have to recharacterize it internally and it exhibits externally, which ironically will often bring you the exact results that alluded you before with the other type of mindset.  Good luck

[Haerts]

7 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Well if you don't "jump ahead to what you want with someone" you are never waiting--you are just experiencing and taking things in the moment. I think most people aren't built like that naturally.  You've already decided you would have a relationship with him IF he wanted one.  Why? What has he proven to you? How well do you really know him?  Isn't what he's done so far, make him questionable anyway?  Effectively, with this mindset you've already created an unbalance where you are in the position of lesser power and of "waiting".

I think based on what you've said, you probably shouldn't see or have contact with him anymore.  It's like playing with fire for you.  I would suggest that you reframe how you characterize it though: it's not going down with the ship, ie as in you are the one who lost; you are not confused just choosing the best course of action for you; and you really don't know if you would want a relationship with him.  All this thinking will help your mindset for the next one and help you from being in a lesser position..  You just have to recharacterize it internally and it exhibits externally, which ironically will often bring you the exact results that alluded you before with the other type of mindset.  Good luck

You're 100% right. I'm not even sure why I consider someone that's such a mess like relationship material.

I realize that I was infatuated for a while, especially after that first week being so intense and special. I was kinda holding on to the thoughts that eventually he would get more involved, which in the end are expectations I'd be "waiting" for. 

So yesterday I decided to stop picking up the crumbs he's been throwing and well, if he ever changes his mind, his loss. I'm done, enough is enough.

The good news are I'm feeling great, no attachment, and things with that other guy I've been seeing are, so far, fantastic! This time I'm taking things slower and enjoying the moment. And we'll see how it goes.

And I wanted to thank all of you for the insights and for taking time to discuss this situation. You're all amazing! Thank you! 

[Haerts]

Btw, I forgot to ask on the previous post, but what could be the best way to end things politely?

I was hoping he would take the hint but he just VIDEO CALLED ME AGAIN. I didn't answer and didn't reply his texts yesterday, but I suppose it would be good to say something instead of just disappearing completely.

I don't wanna block him 'cause I don't think it's needed, but I want him to stop trying to reach out. 

Thoughts?

[Miss Spider]

Maybe say something along the lines of I've thought about it and I don't think we are a match. Wish you the best.

 

Edited April 17, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Haerts]

5 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

say something along the lines of I've thought about it and I don't think we are a match. Wish you the best.

I would just block though. It's not like he'll ever know

Well he would, he's still texting me/video calling. It's not like he treated me in a bad way anyway, we just aren't a match. I'd only block someone if they acted like dicks towards me

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Haerts said:

Well he would, he's still texting me/video calling. It's not like he treated me in a bad way anyway, we just aren't a match. I'd only block someone if they acted like dicks towards me

I don't agree with blocking, that's just cold imo.  I mean you dated this man for almost two months, you were sexually intimate, he deserves "something" not just a block.

I like the first part of what cookie wrote - "I enjoyed spending time, but realize we're not a match, good luck and take care."

That said, I will be REAL surprised if he accepts that.  What happens sometimes is when the woman ends it, it triggers a conversation that should have taken place "before" she ended it, but one or both were too afraid to.

Let us know!  I'm dying to find out how this plays out!! 

 

 

Edited April 17, 2020 by poppyfields

[simpycurious]

I am with Poppy don't BLOCK the guy just tell him straight up.  

[Versacehottie]

I think you should just do what a guy does: dodge it for a while so that the answer of where you stand is virtually clear.  After all, he said he doesn't want a relationship and told you to get back on tinder--this is exactly what this looks like!! In other words, if you are doing exactly as he threw out there, you are dating others, potentially getting into other guys and certainly busy with other things AND not at his beck and call.  So IMO, do that for a while and then if he naturally gets a hold of you or if you have some really free time a while down the road just text him and say something like "sorry i haven't had a chance to get back to you until now" and then something about enjoying getting to know him but seems like timing not great between you two or that he didn't seem like he knew what he wanted and wish him the best.  I don't think you should accept a video call, that's higher level haha that he shouldn't have the kind of access to you. Text is fine.

I agree that you don't need to block him unless he is becoming a nuisance.  You could say what cookies or poppy said with "i don't think we are a match" also but if you want to give him 'some' feedback in a way I think it's good to let him know very briefly like i said above that his wishy washy ness or position about not wanting a progressing relationship is the reason.  Since that always gives a person something to work on if they want to try again---lol, again this is all advanced stuff (not that you can't handle it!!) but it's like playing with fire!!  If you don't want to hear from him again use the vague answer of "we are not a match".  If you are having fun with the new guy, no reason to let this guy mess things up for you with him.  That said, you seem particularly curious about this guy so do like a guy does and always keep a door open.  The key is not to let them back in UNLESS he is showing you different from what he's been giving that not good.  He'd have to prove himself.  It's hard to tell if:

*it's situational, ie will disappear in time;

*the pattern of you two is set, ie doubtful it will disappear in time or

*character, will not disappear in time.  

I've said this before about not blocking people on other threads but if you can manage your own emotions and impulses, sometimes hearing from them down the road can reinforce that you've made the right decision (and be entertaining); it can bolster your self-assurance.  Other times it can open a can of worms, if you can't hold back long enough to see if there is or is not a change in him.  And then a small percentage of times, things can be rekindled when the time is right.  Good luck

Edited April 17, 2020 by Versacehottie

[Haerts]

On 4/18/2020 at 12:00 AM, Versacehottie said:

I think you should just do what a guy does: dodge it for a while so that the answer of where you stand is virtually clear.  After all, he said he doesn't want a relationship and told you to get back on tinder--this is exactly what this looks like!! In other words, if you are doing exactly as he threw out there, you are dating others, potentially getting into other guys and certainly busy with other things AND not at his beck and call.  So IMO, do that for a while and then if he naturally gets a hold of you or if you have some really free time a while down the road just text him and say something like "sorry i haven't had a chance to get back to you until now" and then something about enjoying getting to know him but seems like timing not great between you two or that he didn't seem like he knew what he wanted and wish him the best.  I don't think you should accept a video call, that's higher level haha that he shouldn't have the kind of access to you. Text is fine.

I agree that you don't need to block him unless he is becoming a nuisance.  You could say what cookies or poppy said with "i don't think we are a match" also but if you want to give him 'some' feedback in a way I think it's good to let him know very briefly like i said above that his wishy washy ness or position about not wanting a progressing relationship is the reason.  Since that always gives a person something to work on if they want to try again---lol, again this is all advanced stuff (not that you can't handle it!!) but it's like playing with fire!!  If you don't want to hear from him again use the vague answer of "we are not a match".  If you are having fun with the new guy, no reason to let this guy mess things up for you with him.  That said, you seem particularly curious about this guy so do like a guy does and always keep a door open.  The key is not to let them back in UNLESS he is showing you different from what he's been giving that not good.  He'd have to prove himself.  It's hard to tell if:

*it's situational, ie will disappear in time;

*the pattern of you two is set, ie doubtful it will disappear in time or

*character, will not disappear in time.  

I've said this before about not blocking people on other threads but if you can manage your own emotions and impulses, sometimes hearing from them down the road can reinforce that you've made the right decision (and be entertaining); it can bolster your self-assurance.  Other times it can open a can of worms, if you can't hold back long enough to see if there is or is not a change in him.  And then a small percentage of times, things can be rekindled when the time is right.  Good luck

I don't want to keep him "open" for now, because whenever he reaches out my heart beats faster. I don't feel the same with the current guy and it had been 6 years since I last felt it for someone (my ex). That's why it's so dangerous to stay around. But the days I don't hear anything from him are the best, 'cause in all honesty he barely even crosses my mind. Hence if he just stop contacting, it's best for me. lol

On 4/17/2020 at 1:05 PM, poppyfields said:

I don't agree with blocking, that's just cold imo.  I mean you dated this man for almost two months, you were sexually intimate, he deserves "something" not just a block.

I like the first part of what cookie wrote - "I enjoyed spending time, but realize we're not a match, good luck and take care."

That said, I will be REAL surprised if he accepts that.  What happens sometimes is when the woman ends it, it triggers a conversation that should have taken place "before" she ended it, but one or both were too afraid to.

Let us know!  I'm dying to find out how this plays out!! 

Since I ignored his last video call, he hasn't tried to contact me again so far, (just on social media posts, which I ignored as well), so I really didn't have to say anything. 

But I won't deny that even I am curious to see how this plays out. Can't wait to accidently miss the next video call just so I can send THE text. lmao

Edited April 19, 2020 by Haerts

[Versacehottie]

ok then that's easy. if you don't want to hear from him ever again, then you should ignore as right now there is no contact from his end.  The next time he tries (if he ever does) just give the vague: we are not a match statement.  And then because of what you wrote above, i do think you should block until you don't care anymore because the point is his contact has got you fluttery even though you don't want to date him--you don't have control over your impulses with him it would seem so protect yourself. That's more important than entertainment or curiosity.  And I rarely say to block.  It doesn't matter if he doesn't deserve a block this is about what is best for you.  Tell yourself you can unblock when you have more of a handle on your emotions--you will probably forget or not care by that point.

You should definitely not reach out to "let him know" that you are no longer interested.  That is thinly veiled attempt to get a reaction: whether you are conscious or unconscious of it.  You can also completely ghost him which is just an extension of the currently ignoring. It speaks for itself as to where you stand and what your interest is.  It is a risk anyone takes when he is fading on you (and frankly in dating TBH).  And let's face it, it was tinder and he did say he's not looking for a relationship.  Probably better for you to do it to him rather than the other way around.  Good luck.  & even though you felt great about him as in first person in years--don't tell yourself that story--it's a detriment to being open and past a couple of weeks, this cannot be making you feel great about him when you really really think about it.  hang in there.

Edited April 19, 2020 by Versacehottie

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, Haerts said:

But the days I don't hear anything from him are the best, 'cause in all honesty he barely even crosses my mind. Hence if he just stop contacting, it's best for me. lol

Just block him.  That should solve your problem.