Maybe he's slowly fading?

[Haerts]

Hey guys. So, basically, I met this guy on Tinder about 3 weeks ago and everything was amazing during the first week. We spent lots of time together, I slept over at his place 4 times that week, he introduced me to his friend and best friends and we were also communicating everyday via texts, calls and video calls - most of them initiated by him. He was being very sweet, attentive and gentle all the time. And it seemed like he was interested on something more.

But after that first week was gone, we haven't been communicating as much. I've been acting the same way, but it feels like he's slowly doing less and less. He won't call/video call anymore and I'm usually the one to initiate conversations, which eventually die out because he will view them and wont reply. During the last 10 days, I only met him once (2 days ago; it was as great as the times before, he was acting the same way as always) and it's been like a full day since I last heard from him (which was also a text I sent that he didn't reply to lol).

Anyway, I know it's all very recent, and he actually said when I met him that he likes to take things slowly (how slow is slowly tho?). I acknowledge we were moving way too fast and I think it's good to slow down. But I'm confused here now: is he losing interest/slowly fading or is he just keeping a distance? And I'm asking that because he is acting different.

I was thinking about talking to him about it, do you guys think it's too soon to do that? And if it's not, how can I approach this conversation?

I'm not in love nor desperate for a relationship, but it's been a few years since I met someone I enjoyed being around so much, I forgot what to do in these situations and I don't wanna f up. It would be nice to hear from you guys. Thanks!

Edited March 31, 2020 by Haerts

[Fletch Lives]

It sounds like he's on the rebound or has other issues. Anyway, the bottom line is, he's not falling in love.

It takes a couple of months to fall in love. Until then, count on nothing.

[Haerts]

59 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

It sounds like he's on the rebound or has other issues. Anyway, the bottom line is, he's not falling in love.

It takes a couple of months to fall in love. Until then, count on nothing.

I'm not expecting him to be falling in love, as I'm not either, it's all too recent. What caught my attention is that he was so affectionate and attentive, and now I feel it's different. 

Now that you mentioned the rebound though, I remembered that he said he broke up 4 months ago (1 year relationship) because apparently his ex was moving to another country with no return. I even asked if he wanted to talk about it, he said no and I noticed he got a little emotional over it. I suppose you're spot on, maybe I should give him some time and see how it goes? What do you think?

Regardless, I'm still talking to other guys and my life is usually pretty busy, so I'm fine. It would be great to hear something from him though I guess.

[Fletch Lives]

12 minutes ago, Haerts said:

Now that you mentioned the rebound though, I remembered that he said he broke up 4 months ago (1 year relationship) because apparently his ex was moving to another country with no return. I even asked if he wanted to talk about it, he said no and I noticed he got a little emotional over it. I suppose you're spot on, maybe I should give him some time and see how it goes? What do you think?

 - it's very risky business, playing with someone on the rebound........ chances are high you'll get hurt (and probably hurting now)...he may only be ready for a serious relationship when he's over his rebound period, and finds a new woman.

[basil67]

It's only three weeks in after an alarmingly fast start.  With all due respect, you don't know anything about him.  There's nothing to mess up.   It's time to move on....and don't waste thoughts wondering what is going on in his head.

[Haerts]

7 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

 - it's very risky business, playing with someone on the rebound........ chances are high you'll get hurt (and probably hurting now)...he may only be ready for a serious relationship when he's over his rebound period, and finds a new woman.

Actually I'm feeling alright, and well, we're not sure if he's on the rebound, that's a supposition (which seems accurate, but anyway). But you're right, it's very risky. I'm keeping my distance and not really reaching out.

[chillii]

Ridiculous start staying over 4 nights , meeting friends , then he tells you he wants to go slow , ahhh. Anyway you say your not falling in love with him so it doesn't even matter really but yeah , his fizzled.

[Haerts]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's only three weeks in after an alarmingly fast start.  With all due respect, you don't know anything about him.  There's nothing to mess up.   It's time to move on....and don't waste thoughts wondering what is going on in his head.

I know I don't know anything about him, but trust me, I've been single for 2 years, I went on so many dates, with so many different kind of guys, and I was the one to walk away every single time, I normally don't insist especially when I see warning signs like I'm seeing now. This is the first time in so long that I felt this connection with someone and I don't think time can explain it. That's the only reason why I was thinking about talking to him about it, before making a decision. Perhaps I'm just being foolish. 

[notthatintome]

It seems to me that it went too fast and now he is having second thoughts for whatever reason - could be overwhelm, could be that he isn't over his ex, or that he is simply not ready for anything more.   When things move quickly at the start there is nowhere for it to progress to, the fun and excitement have peaked way too early it should be a slow build.  You have two choices here, either give him space and see what happens but also keep your options open or move on and take the next one a bit slower. 

 

[Haerts]

2 minutes ago, chillii said:

Ridiculous start staying over 4 nights , meeting friends , then he tells you he wants to go slow , ahhh. Anyway you say your not falling in love with him so it doesn't even matter really but yeah , his fizzled.

Exactly! Why did we have this very intense first week if there were no intentions at all? But luckily despite how great things were going at the very start, I'm not really falling in love so I could let it go. Eh, now that I'm thinking more about it, I'll probably just do that. 

[Haerts]

2 minutes ago, notthatintome said:

It seems to me that it went too fast and now he is having second thoughts for whatever reason - could be overwhelm, could be that he isn't over his ex, or that he is simply not ready for anything more.   When things move quickly at the start there is nowhere for it to progress to, the fun and excitement have peaked way too early it should be a slow build.  You have two choices here, either give him space and see what happens but also keep your options open or move on and take the next one a bit slower. 

 

I was considering asking him directly what's going on, before anything else. But after talking to you guys I realized I should probably just distance myself, especially knowing I was the last one to reach out. Let him do some work, and if nothing happens, well I will already have my answer I guess. 

[ExpatInItaly]

17 minutes ago, Haerts said:

Exactly! Why did we have this very intense first week if there were no intentions at all? But luckily despite how great things were going at the very start, I'm not really falling in love so I could let it go. Eh, now that I'm thinking more about it, I'll probably just do that. 

Honestly? Probably just because it was fun and felt good in the moment. He wasn't really thinking of what could be around the corner. He was just doing whatever felt thrilling right then and there. 

Be wary of people who so intense right away. It's usually not a good sign. These folks are often on the rebound or generally impulsive and not thinking beyond the present moment. It's easy to get swept away by it but it's not usually very wise to go along with it. 

As you hardly know him, I don't think there's much to talk about, really. His actions are telling you he's not on the same page as you. 

[basil67]

46 minutes ago, Haerts said:

Exactly! Why did we have this very intense first week if there were no intentions at all? 

I would guess it's because he was living in the moment.   Glad to hear you're getting ready to let go. 

[Erik30]

Hmm I see people are taking that social distancing really serious. No wonder...

Anyway this guy was probably just looking for sex, and that's what he got really quick. My guess is he started talking to someone else after that first week 

Edited March 31, 2020 by Erik30

[Azincourt]

3 hours ago, Haerts said:

Hey guys. So, basically, I met this guy on Tinder about 3 weeks ago and everything was amazing during the first week

There are long-term relationships that sprang up from tinder, but for the most part, tinder is a hook-up app.

 

3 hours ago, Haerts said:

 

. We spent lots of time together, I slept over at his place 4 times that week, he introduced me to his friend and best friends and we were also communicating everyday via texts, calls and video calls - most of them initiated by him. He was being very sweet, attentive and gentle all the time. And it seemed like he was interested on something more.

Yes, that's what I usually do when I want to have casual sex and I want to maximize my chances of getting sex. I'm very romantic, very attentive, and when she asks me if ''this is something serious'' and not just a momentary affair - I say yes, that I see myself falling in love with them everyday.

Because if I am honest about it,  I'll very likely get dumped without having sex in the first place.

I always tell my sisters to not trust guys who come out so strong.  There are people who fall in love, hard, that fast, but there's also lots of guys whose only intent in interacting with women in that manner(romance, pursuing her etc) is to get sex out of it.

 

3 hours ago, Haerts said:

But after that first week was gone, we haven't been communicating as much.

That's because he's having sex with other women. Or you never had sex with him and he lost interest and is pursuing other options that are more partial to sleeping with him. Or he had sex with you and that was all he was looking for, and now he went back to his life of lifting at the gym, chilling, and just waiting for the next woman he wants to sleep with to come into his life.

 

3 hours ago, Haerts said:

 

I've been acting the same way, but it feels like he's slowly doing less and less.

 

He's ghosting. That's a very useful tactic. Like, you sleep with the woman, and you(hopefully) make the sex real good, and then you go about your day, and you wait for her to contact you again. Meanwhile you focus your sexual energies in either sleeping with other women or in trying to sleep with another women.

I remember this woman from years ago. I really wanted to sleep with her, and she made me work hard for it, and when I got what I wanted, I cut all contact, only to be contacted by her from an unknown number. When we met up, we met up in a group-setting, and she was still assuming I wanted a relationship with her, but I told her that I didn't, and I brought along a friend who I knew was really thirsty and would hit on her. So, I got her off my back, and my friend had fun.

There's lots of ways guys will ignore a woman, and that's what the guy you're talking about seems to be doing.

He's either in the hopes you'll contact him again, which will result in sex most likely, or he's low-key, chilling, diverting his attentions onto other women.

 

3 hours ago, Haerts said:

He won't call/video call anymore and I'm usually the one to initiate conversations, which eventually die out because he will view them and wont reply. During the last 10 days, I only met him once (2 days ago; it was as great as the times before, he was acting the same way as always) and it's been like a full day since I last heard from him (which was also a text I sent that he didn't reply to lol).

Seriously, sounds like he's lost all interest in you.

He could still want to keep you in his life for purely sexual reasons, but it sounds like he's really not interested in you anymore. There have been women that I lost interest in after getting with them, but because they were really good in bed, or because I got to meet other women through them, I still replied to when they'd text me or emailed me or sent me a message on instagram/facebook. Maybe the both of you are not compatible in any sense of the word.

There's nothing wrong with that, and frankly, there's lots and lots of interesting, physically attractive men out there. Like I tell my sisters, '' there will always be hot guys interested in having a relationship with you, if he doesn't want to, then he's a loser, so who cares.''

I tell you the same thing. You're an awesome person. There's lots of guys out there who'd love to date you. Don't waste your time with childish men who let their sexual urges control their lives, you deserve a lot better.

 

3 hours ago, Haerts said:

Anyway, I know it's all very recent, and he actually said when I met him that he likes to take things slowly (how slow is slowly tho?)

 

Lemme guess. He told you he wanted to take things slow after he had sex with you? Funny how he didn't say anything about wanting to take things slow before you two got intimate, if you two did.  By slow he means he wants to keep meeting and hopefully keep having sex with other women while keeping you in the backburner as a backup plan in case sex with the other women don't pan out, and he has that safety with you, since you obviously care about this guy a lot.

 

3 hours ago, Haerts said:

. I acknowledge we were moving way too fast and I think it's good to slow down. But I'm confused here now: is he losing interest/slowly fading or is he just keeping a distance? And I'm asking that because he is acting different.

He's losing interest faster than a 9 year old boy loses interest in a yoyo when his mom buys him a playstation 4.

 

3 hours ago, Haerts said:

I was thinking about talking to him about it, do you guys think it's too soon to do that? And if it's not, how can I approach this conversation?

I'm not in love nor desperate for a relationship, but it's been a few years since I met someone I enjoyed being around so much, I forgot what to do in these situations and I don't wanna f up. It would be nice to hear from you guys. Thanks!

 

Nah. Don't give him the satisfaction. Forget about him. That guy is a waste of time, he's a loser.  Like you said, you are not desperate and you are not in love. Just keep yourself out there,  you'll come across men who are worth your time and your dedication.

 

[stillafool]

Usually after a recent break up you kinda force feelings for someone else in order to push you to get over the break up.  It works for a short time but then the sad feelings from the break up reenter your mind and you realize the pain is still lingering.

[Haerts]

49 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Honestly? Probably just because it was fun and felt good in the moment. He wasn't really thinking of what could be around the corner. He was just doing whatever felt thrilling right then and there. 

Be wary of people who so intense right away. It's usually not a good sign. These folks are often on the rebound or generally impulsive and not thinking beyond the present moment. It's easy to get swept away by it but it's not usually very wise to go along with it. 

As you hardly know him, I don't think there's much to talk about, really. His actions are telling you he's not on the same page as you. 

Yeah, he's definitely not on the same page as me. That's what I needed to read. Earlier I caught myself trying to find excuses to explain his different behavior, but really, there are none. lol

Oh well, it was good, but time to move on

[Azincourt]

6 minutes ago, Haerts said:

Yeah, he's definitely not on the same page as me. That's what I needed to read. Earlier I caught myself trying to find excuses to explain his different behavior, but really, there are none. lol

Oh well, it was good, but time to move on

Exactly,  people seem to have the tendency to come up with excuses for why someone we have a liking for is behaving the way they are acting, but it's mostly our feelings that are going against what is  best for us.

Get out there, there's lots of decent guys for you to meet.

[Haerts]

47 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

 

It was too long so I put this bunny emoji there. hahaha

Thanks for going through my entire post. Tbh, I used to be kinda like that guy you're talking about, except I've always been very transparent and sincere. I never let anyone think that I'm looking for something that I'm not, and if that means I'm not seeing them ever again, alright then. But I guess people prefer to lie and get what they want than just saying what they are on about. Which is lame, but what can I do?

By the way, we had sex everytime we slept together, and that means 5 times total. We had sex the day after we met and it was incredible, great chemistry. He already had what he wanted and still he spent the entire week taking me to many different places (before the lockdown ofc), video calling me all the time and interested to know about my routine and my tastes. I went to his favorite bars, favorite beach spot, we were all holding hands and stuff. Hell, we even watched the sunset together, just us, and spent a while after that looking at the stars where he was pointing that silly app to show me their names and their constellations, which I obviously don't remember. We had a double date dinner with his best friend and his best friend's wife, which was pretty romantic and stuff.

Can you see it? It wasn't just about sex. He could've had sex with me as many times as he wanted tbh without having to do any of that lovely crap. And I really highly doubt he does that with every single woman he meets - well, at least I wouldn't invest so much of my time with random guys that I just want to f*. Hence I believe the theory he's probably on the rebound.

I guess that's why I got kinda involved too, and that's why I wanted to talk to him. But luckily I realized where this was going before ending up with a broken heart.

Edited March 31, 2020 by Haerts

[Azincourt]

14 minutes ago, Haerts said:

It was too long so I put this bunny emoji there. hahaha

Yeah, I always end up writing a lot more than I was striving to

14 minutes ago, Haerts said:

Thanks for going through my entire post.

That's why we're here for.

14 minutes ago, Haerts said:

 

Tbh, I used to be kinda like that guy you're talking about, except I've always been very transparent and sincere.

Yes, and that's great of you, but let's be frank. You're a woman, and an attractive woman at that, for sure, so you can be transparent about what you're looking for, and you'll always have guys interested. That's why lots of guys aren't really honest about what they're actually seeking for, because there's plenty of women who'll reject us if we're honest, and that's why the guy you were talking to acted the way he did, instead of being explicit with his intentions.

 

14 minutes ago, Haerts said:

 

I never let anyone think that I'm looking for something that I'm not, and if that means I'm not seeing them ever again, alright then. But I guess people prefer to lie and get what they want than just saying what they are on about. Which is lame, but what can I do?

Yes, yes, I see what you mean, and believe me, I understand where you're coming from. But, who do you think has an easier way getting sex when that person is only looking for sex?

The man or the woman? It's easy to be transparent about what you want when you're almost always guaranteed to get what you want. It's harder to get what you want, when there's tons and tons of women who are only looking for a commitment, and you're a guy interested in some fun times.  This is how he thinks.

'' how can I get laid?''

he realizes that women are more likely to sleep with him if he adulters the truth and says he's interested in a relationship, or if he displays to the woman that he is looking for a relationship, by being romantic, attentive, sweet, caring about you etc, when he's only interested in sex.

 

 

14 minutes ago, Haerts said:

By the way, we had sex everytime we slept together, and that means 5 times total. We had sex the day after we met and it was incredible, great chemistry. He already had what he wanted and still he spent the entire week taking me to many different places (before the lockdown ofc), video calling me all the time and interested to know about my routine and my tastes.

 

I can have great sex with someone and still want sex with other women. Variety is the spice of life for many people ,and I might have feelings for you, and I will still have romantic relationships with other women. Maybe the guy is the same way. He wants a polygamous relationship but he doesn't know how to break it down to you, since, sadly, many women aren't interested in an open-relationship.

If our society evolved and became more open about men and women having polygamous relationships - I'm sure many men wouldn't dash away, and instead would enjoy a multitude of simultaneous romantic relationships with women who'd be very happy with the arrangment.

14 minutes ago, Haerts said:

 

I went to his favorite bars, favorite beach spot, we were all holding hands and stuff. Hell, we even watched the sunset together, just us, and spent a while after that looking at the stars where he was pointing that silly app to show me their names and their constellations, which I obviously don't remember.

 

Yes, you can do that with someone you don't have feelings for. Hanging out, enjoying those activities with someone whose company you enjoy, it doesn't have to be like you can only do those things with someone if you have feelings for her. It's like, what the two of you had was a friendship. A beautiful friendship, with sex involved. How do you feel about a friends with beneficts situation with the guy?

 

14 minutes ago, Haerts said:

Can you see it? It wasn't just about sex. He could've had sex with me as many times as he wanted tbh without having to do any of that lovely crap. And I really highly doubt he does that with every single woman he meets - well, at least I wouldn't invest so much of my time with random guys that I just want to f*. Hence I believe the theory he's probably on the rebound.

We see what we want to believe in, in many cases. We have feelings for someone and the person SEEMS to correspond the same feelings, but then it turns out that it wasn't like that, and we end up hurt and we feel the person used us and manipulated us.

Huh, before the corona virus I was talking and hooking up with 3 different women at the same time, and the things I would tell them, the things I would do with them and to them(buying them flowers, taking them out to their favorite spot and stay there all day) was pretty much the same. I used to recycle the same text messages between the 3 of them, and to make sure I would never get the wrong name, I would use generic terms like sweetheart,  moon of my eyes, you know stuff that women seem to love and that I have no idea why, but it works, so you do what gets you results.

It was a lot of hard work, you know always being so full of energy and romance, especially when they'd decide to contact me at the same time.  But that's just the way it is. We make women feel special, and we make each woman feel like we're only like this to her, that we only treat her like this, that she's the most special person in our lives - because it works.

Honestly, if I could do it like my Calvin Klein and Giorgio Armani friends and just straight up go to a woman and ask if she wants to smash.. I would do it.

It would save me a lot of time and effort.

 

14 minutes ago, Haerts said:

I guess that's why I got kinda involved too, and that's why I wanted to talk to him. But luckily I realized where this was going before ending up with a broken heart.

yeah, emotions a complicated subject. That's why I learned over the years to control my feelings.

[Gr8fuln2020]

You slept with him 4x during the first week...he is moving on.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Haerts said:

It was too long so I put this bunny emoji there. hahaha

Thanks for going through my entire post. Tbh, I used to be kinda like that guy you're talking about, except I've always been very transparent and sincere. I never let anyone think that I'm looking for something that I'm not, and if that means I'm not seeing them ever again, alright then. But I guess people prefer to lie and get what they want than just saying what they are on about. Which is lame, but what can I do?

By the way, we had sex everytime we slept together, and that means 5 times total. We had sex the day after we met and it was incredible, great chemistry. He already had what he wanted and still he spent the entire week taking me to many different places (before the lockdown ofc), video calling me all the time and interested to know about my routine and my tastes. I went to his favorite bars, favorite beach spot, we were all holding hands and stuff. Hell, we even watched the sunset together, just us, and spent a while after that looking at the stars where he was pointing that silly app to show me their names and their constellations, which I obviously don't remember. We had a double date dinner with his best friend and his best friend's wife, which was pretty romantic and stuff.

Can you see it? It wasn't just about sex. He could've had sex with me as many times as he wanted tbh without having to do any of that lovely crap. And I really highly doubt he does that with every single woman he meets - well, at least I wouldn't invest so much of my time with random guys that I just want to f*. Hence I believe the theory he's probably on the rebound.

I guess that's why I got kinda involved too, and that's why I wanted to talk to him. But luckily I realized where this was going before ending up with a broken heart.

It actually sounds like you had a fling, both enjoyed it, but now it's over.

[stillafool]

31 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

Yes, you can do that with someone you don't have feelings for. Hanging out, enjoying those activities with someone whose company you enjoy, it doesn't have to be like you can only do those things with someone if you have feelings for her. It's like, what the two of you had was a friendship. A beautiful friendship, with sex involved. How do you feel about a friends with beneficts situation with the guy?

 

I notice a lot of women get hung up on this stuff as if doing these things, including hand holding,  opening door, paying for meals, getting together with friends is a sign the guy is falling for them.  It's just normal dating behavior if you ask me.

[smackie9]

 Intensity doesn't always equal "I want to be with you". When they start to fade that's your cue to move on.

[Haerts]

27 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

You slept with him 4x during the first week...he is moving on.

Once I slept with a FWB I had 4 times during the first week and a few weeks after that he was already saying he was developing feelings for me. lol

I don't think there are rules when it comes down to feelings. It could happen as it could not. Sometimes it feels like people are always trying to define everything like "so you didn't have sex with him during an entire week sleeping over, that's why he moved on" or "oh so you had sex with him 4 times that week and you still expect him to stay?". If a woman decides to wait a few dates: that was the problem. If they decide to do it on the first day: that was the problem. If they decide to have sex as many times as they want: guess what, that was the problem as well! So, what is NOT a problem?