Thinking back after 5 years

[moonman1]

MM here.  Been married for over 2 decades.  Wife has been a stay at home, we have two children, 20 and 18.   Financially I bring in enough money to have a good life but it is very stressful as well.  My wife worked before marriage but quit soon after we were married and never went back.  Marriage was slowly declining, sexless with many arguments.  She does not get along with many on my relatives.  We were even in counseling before I met OW.  I met OW at a work function although we work in a completely different area, she was a client.  It was slow, to eventually a lot of emails to emotional to physical affair for almost 3 years.  During this time my mother was very ill, was in a nursing home.  My wife refused to visit my mother, did not like some things my mom said over 10 years before.  My mom was a kind, gentle person but could do nothing right with my wife no matter how hard she tried.  I remember OW would often visit my mother in evenings after work while my wife was too busy planning vacations.  It was my other women who supported me through my grief after my mother passed.  I didn't spend much time with OW as I had responsibilities in evenings back then with my teenage children. 

I knew she wanted more but the thought of not being there every evening for my children was not sitting well either.  Eventually as with every affair my wife found out, it was either her and kids or OW.  We agreed to counseling, to make more effort with each other, she even agreed to get a job.  I broke up with OW, put full effort in my marriage.  It has been 5 years now, complete no contact with OW, never even looked her up. 

First few months I missed OW but I put full effort in counseling, self help books and did whatever my wife expected of me.  I sought my wife's forgiveness, she said she forgave me but brings up my affair with every argument. I have stopped talking to relatives that my wife does not get along with, I go on vacations, buy her things, first to always apologize no matter what. I still do majority of work around the house.  She never did get a job.  After trying initially marriage became sexless again.  I am lonely, exhausted and last few month find myself missing other woman.  I am starting to think time with her was best time of my life, we used to laugh, hold hands and support each other.  I don't know what I want but what I have now is just not enough.  

 

 

[Beentheretoooften]

I was afraid of reading a post like this someday.    So very sorry to hear about this.  Sorry you feel this way.  I hope you get through it however it ends.  

[Honest_Interest]

have you tried some counciling? IC or M?

 

[Prudence V]

9 hours ago, moonman1 said:

I am lonely, exhausted and last few month find myself missing other woman.  I am starting to think time with her was best time of my life, we used to laugh, hold hands and support each other.  I don't know what I want but what I have now is just not enough.  

Let me say I’m really sorry to read this. Sometimes one party does make all the effort, while the other just cruises, and it seems like that’s the case here. My H was in a similar situation in his previous marriage, and nothing he did was ever going to be good enough because a proper marriage does need more than one person willing to make an effort. He wasted decades of his life, keeping it together until kids were old enough, and it seems yours may be now, too. I’d say -based on what you report here - that the time has come to cut yourself loose from the dead weight of this marriage and find some chance of happiness. 
 

It’s been a long time of NC with your fOW, so there’s no saying whether or not that’s still a possibility. You dumped her and cut her dead, so she may not be able to forgive you that, but whether it’s with her or with someone you’ve yet to meet, happiness is still within your gift. I hope you find it. 

Edited March 30, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[heartwhole2]

It's OK for your marriage to not be fulfilling to you. It's OK to separate and contemplate divorce. What isn't OK is giving yourself permission to be non-monogamous without telling your spouse. Maybe it's time for action . . . not an affair, but a separation.

[stillafool]

It sound like your marriage has finally hit the wall.  You should have made your wife go back to work, the kids are almost grown.  With a 20 and 18 year old your children are almost out of the house by now so why don't you finally make the move to divorce your wife and marry OW?

[pepperbird]

OP,

What do you want? If you stay with your wife, that is your choice. If you choose to leave, again, that will be your choice.

[Amethyst68]

Not one word of any feelings of love for your wife, you basically say you stayed for your children.

Your children are both adults (more or less), your youngest is 18, I wonder if they're about to leave for university/college and that's what's got you thinking.

Whatever you do don't have another affair. If your marriage is dead then end it properly and then move on.

[schlumpy]

Ok, you chose your loveless, sexless marriage over a kind loving women who put up with being second place in your life for years. It would be easy assume it was the kids that pulled you back to the marriage but you outlined your wife's promises to get a job and have sex so, I it looks like more than the kids. Is there any real affection on your part for your wife? Did that play a part in the decision?

If it was the kids then what was your plan once they became adults? You don't seem to have one.

If you returned because of your wife's promises why did you stay when she reneged? Again you didn't have a plan or think ahead.

Your happiest years may have been with the OW but was it the OW's happiest years as she waited for you make up your mind? You wasted five years of her life as well as yours.

Now here you sit ruminating about what to do while the clock ticks away.

Be satisfied with what you have or divorce and chase your dream. You just have to decide.

 

[mark clemson]

Whatever else may be said, you certainly don't seem very happy currently.

[oldtruck]

wrong to have an affair

wrong to not divorce your wife

you cannot undo the mistake of the affair though you can undo the not

getting a divorce

[moonman1]

Yes its wrong to have an affair but its also wrong to marry someone and not like their family or make marriage sexless.  I don't have any intension of contacting OW again.  I just can't do that to her.  As for my wife yes there was love for a long time, but after years of arguments, giving up on my family I have lost that.  There was also attraction, that too is gone after constant rejection.  Kids are older now and home, as they can't stay in dorm.  I am spending time with them, playing board games and riding bike.  But I realize they are older, they are often in their rooms doing their work.  

Yes I am contemplating divorce.  I am finally understanding difference between being lonely and being alone.  It will be a difficult talk but I think its time. 

 

[usa1ah]

3 minutes ago, moonman1 said:

Yes its wrong to have an affair but its also wrong to marry someone and not like their family or make marriage sexless.  I don't have any intension of contacting OW again.  I just can't do that to her.  As for my wife yes there was love for a long time, but after years of arguments, giving up on my family I have lost that.  There was also attraction, that too is gone after constant rejection.  Kids are older now and home, as they can't stay in dorm.  I am spending time with them, playing board games and riding bike.  But I realize they are older, they are often in their rooms doing their work.  

Yes I am contemplating divorce.  I am finally understanding difference between being lonely and being alone.  It will be a difficult talk but I think its time. 

 

Think you should have stayed with the other woman. 
 

Your just a paycheck to your wife. 

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, moonman1 said:

Yes its wrong to have an affair but its also wrong to marry someone and not like their family or make marriage sexless. 

Of course some of bad choice to marry falls on you too.  If being close to your family is important, then it's foolish to marry someone who doesn't like your family.   Thing is, there are mistakes all over this marriage from both of you.   And I would bet my bottom dollar that your family are not 100% blameless in the situation too.     I'm glad to hear that you're contemplating ending the marriage.    

Edited March 31, 2020 by basil67

[healing light]

Divorce your wife. Once fully separated, look up the other woman.

I know not everyone will agree with me, but if it was a true connection, who knows if the other woman hasn't been thinking back as well? I'm sure it was awful having to be second place in your life and you choosing to go back to your everyday misery, so while I wouldn't bank on her being receptive or even single, I would present yourself once you are *fully available* to be there in the way she deserves. What's the worst that can happen if she rejects you? I would rather not have what ifs in my life.

Your wife sounds like she has isolated you, hasn't taken responsibility in arguments, used the affair as ammo to not address the things she promised, wasn't there for you in your time of need as your mother died, hasn't contributed financially, etc. The way you outlined it sounds like you're not getting your emotional or physical needs met through her. Your kids are old enough to form their own decisions and branch out in life. I don't see a reason not to free yourself and be happy.

[BettyDraper]

I'm wondering if the reason you are staying is the feeling of comfort. 

Even though you have been in an unhappy marriage for many years, it is still what you know and the idea of starting over as a single man could be frightening to you. 

If this is the case, then I completely understand why you feel this way. 

Your wife doesn't want to be a partner to you. She wants to use you for what you can provide and she doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions which contributed to the breakdown of your marriage. You are the only person who can stop your wife from being a leech. She can at least get a part time job and take full responsibility for the household chores. 

[moonman1]

I read all of your replies, they are very helpful.  I guess I was MM who actually fell in love but didn't leave for real for kids.  I thought I could make my marriage work. I remember addressing how there was unhappiness even before other woman but was told again and again it was rewriting history because it took responsibility off of me.  I will be approaching separating soon.  I guess some MM when they say they sleep separately, they actually do.  I am guilty of not thinking through, yes affair is my fault but I can honestly say I was starved was affection and real companionship as I feel now.  I will never have another affair again but I do understand how they can start.  Any ideas on how to approach my wife regarding separating, last time I brought this up she accused me of having another affair.  This will not go well.  

 

[SummerDreams]

Just go to a lawyer, know your rights, separate assets and prepare the papers. Inform her about the divorce so she can find a job and a place to stay. She doesn't seem like she will get sad to be honest. She will just lose her comfort. Anything is better for you than this sad marriage. Not even a marriage, just a business contract. Why are there people like your wife out there?!!!

[healing light]

1 hour ago, moonman1 said:

I remember addressing how there was unhappiness even before other woman but was told again and again it was rewriting history because it took responsibility off of me.

I see this as a form of gaslighting. Not justifying it, but if you were so happy, why would you have taken to an affair? You don't come across as a serial cheater.

1 hour ago, moonman1 said:

Any ideas on how to approach my wife regarding separating, last time I brought this up she accused me of having another affair.

You don't need your wife's permission to divorce. Seek legal advice and serve her with the papers. You've put in your time and tried counseling. It didn't work because it doesn't sound like there was much of a partner to work with. Don't let her bully you into staying. 

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, moonman1 said:

I read all of your replies, they are very helpful.  I guess I was MM who actually fell in love but didn't leave for real for kids.  I thought I could make my marriage work. I remember addressing how there was unhappiness even before other woman but was told again and again it was rewriting history because it took responsibility off of me.  I will be approaching separating soon.  I guess some MM when they say they sleep separately, they actually do.  I am guilty of not thinking through, yes affair is my fault but I can honestly say I was starved was affection and real companionship as I feel now.  I will never have another affair again but I do understand how they can start.  Any ideas on how to approach my wife regarding separating, last time I brought this up she accused me of having another affair.  This will not go well.  

 

Asking for a divorce never goes well.  Its not a happy time in a person's life but necessary if one partner can no longer stand to be there.  Don't just bring up divorce come out and tell her you're no longer in love with her and you're filing for divorce.  She deserves the truth.

Edited April 1, 2020 by stillafool

[Starswillshine]

If you tried, and gave it your all, then it seems it is time to head for divorce. Your kids are grown and can drive themselves to see you. 

I see a lot of comparing wife to the OW. Dont do that. OW was in the early stages of a relationship and you never spent years, night after night with her. I find it disturbing that you allowed your OW to be involved with your family? After 5 years, your wife probably is still hurt. I would be by this betrayal and your obvious comparing the two. 

Probably best for all involved to move on from this marriage. Get a divorce. Maybe everyone will be happier. 

[Hip Pocket]

Comparing partners is normal, just as comparing cars or houses. But it’s not about choosing a partner, it’s about choosing the life that would make you happiest. 
 

moonman1, your W doesn’t seem interested in making you happy, that part is obvious. You’re one of those people who gave it your all, cut out deep love with the OW in order to do it, and it backfired but at least you know you’ve given it your all. The real lesson here is that people don’t change even when they’ve been cheated on, even when they promise to, even when they know they could lose you. How sad is that? But it’s true and don’t let her make future promises of change because she’s already shown you who she is. 
 

Get a CC and tell your W in a session that you want to end the M. sounds like you need support in doing this. Then call the OW and see if she is free. Even after all the pain, if the love was real I’d accept a call from my xMM. 

[Amethyst68]

Quote

 I find it disturbing that you allowed your OW to be involved with your family? 

Thank you, I thought I was the only one disturbed by that. It was a major case of disrespect and it's troubling you don't see it. Your mother had no objection to you taking your OW to visit her and you wonder why your wife had cut her out of her life years earlier. Remember just because your mother was lovely with you doesn't mean she treated your wife the same way.

it's also slightly curious to me in your posts that there is not one self critical word written. Everything wrong in your marriage is your wife's fault, even your affair and it's your wife who didn't do her part to reconcile the marriage.

Look, if you're unhappy divorce just do it. Tell her you're looking to separate and divorce, as far as I know you don't need her permission to do so.

[Prudence V]

On 4/1/2020 at 8:14 PM, Amethyst68 said:I thought I was the only one disturbed by that. It was a major case of disrespect and it's troubling you don't see it. Your mother had no objection to you taking your OW to visit her and you wonder why your wife had cut her out of her life years earlier. Remember just because your mother was lovely with you doesn't mean she treated your wife the same way.

My H introduced me to his family during the A, too. Why wouldn’t he? We were a couple. He loved me, and wanted me to meet his family. His family loved him, and wanted to meet the woman he loved. This is normal. The fact that he had a vestigial, unsatisfactory marriage to a woman who treated his family poorly, who looked down on them, who wouldn’t go with him to visit them - well, that was regarded as an “unfortunate circumstance” that time, and the inevitable growing up of his kids, would allow to pass. I’m sure MM1’s mother felt the same way - poor guy was stuck with a harridan who just used him, but here he’d found true love with a genuinely lovely woman and his mother was keen to meet her. 
 

As for insinuating that his mother was somehow responsible for the BW’s poor treatment of her - nice bit of victim blaming! Some BWs just are toxic, and sometimes a parent can see that their child is being poorly treated in a relationship and wants to support them to find happiness elsewhere, to gain the strength to leave. It’s not uncommon - most of us would support our kids leaving bad marriages and finding true love. Twisting this into “the mother was sticking the knife into the innocent BW and wrecking the relationship” is a fine piece of warping the facts to suit the story you’d like to hear. 
 

MM1, don’t blame your mother for this. Put the blame where it belongs - with the BW who can’t be arsed to make an effort and just wants it all handed to her on a plate. You can put up with being treated like a servant for the rest of your days, or you can stand up for yourself and shrug off this burden of a “wife” and find happiness without the shackles of this so-called marriage. 
 

 

[elaine567]

On 3/30/2020 at 5:02 AM, moonman1 said:

I sought my wife's forgiveness, she said she forgave me but brings up my affair with every argument

Well it is obvious she didn't forgive you. You no doubt "ruined her life" by your affair and she is in no mood to pander to you, she wants to keep punishing you for the hurt you caused her.
She didn't want to get a job as SHE was the victim here. 
You have an affair and she has to recompense YOU.. that is not how it usually works... 
With some people they never forget or forgive and whilst those in the affair want it all their own way and to rug sweep and carry on as normal, that may not be how the person who was betrayed feels.
OK the marriage was not good, you were arguing, there was little sex and you were in counselling,  but that doesn't justify an affair surely?
She no doubt was "blindsided", she thought things were a little tough but another woman????
You, after Dday used the affair to try to cajole her into being the wife you wanted...
She played the "pick me dance" for a while no doubt, but once she saw you were going nowhere, she let her hurt and resentment take over.
YOU had an affair that hurt her to her core, so in the cold light of day, she was not going to play ball and be the substitute for your wonderful OW...
As you are no doubt even more unhappy, you now want your OW back.
Another woman who probably hates you...