rjc149 Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 2 hours ago, skywriter said: Lol! That's silly, poor guy he seems damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. Sending several texts a day, sending follow-up texts when not responded to promptly enough, calling a lot, basically nagging her to acknowledge and validate him at every moment, will damn him far more certainly than not doing these things. There's a mode of behavior when a man is attracting and dating a new woman he doesn't know well, and when he's committed to a woman he knows very well, that are oftentimes confused for being one in the same ie. "how a man should act toward a woman he likes." They are, in fact, quite different. Treating a girlfriend like you're just dating her will alienate her. Treating a girl you've just started dating like a girlfriend will repel her. Each phase of a relationship has an appropriate mode of behavior. The OP's issue, as stated in her thread, and many other similar threads by other young female posters, illustrates very clearly how a woman feels when the man she has just begun dating over-communicates his interest. 3
skywriter Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 True that rjc, and the OP. seems to have had a discussion and they must've come to an understanding that she is happy with at this point.
Juha Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 46 minutes ago, rjc149 said: Sending several texts a day, sending follow-up texts when not responded to promptly enough, calling a lot, basically nagging her to acknowledge and validate him at every moment, will damn him far more certainly than not doing these things. There's a mode of behavior when a man is attracting and dating a new woman he doesn't know well, and when he's committed to a woman he knows very well, that are oftentimes confused for being one in the same ie. "how a man should act toward a woman he likes." They are, in fact, quite different. Treating a girlfriend like you're just dating her will alienate her. Treating a girl you've just started dating like a girlfriend will repel her. Each phase of a relationship has an appropriate mode of behavior. The OP's issue, as stated in her thread, and many other similar threads by other young female posters, illustrates very clearly how a woman feels when the man she has just begun dating over-communicates his interest. Spot on 100%
simpycurious Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 Clingy, needy.....not attractive The OP needs to tell the dude to get a hobby maybe two of them 1
skywriter Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 On 3/31/2020 at 1:48 PM, Missy Love said: I think part of it is that I have more social support than he does, where I feel I am kind of his main outlet. I do like him, so don’t want to write him off. I’ve told him how I feel, and he seems to be understanding of it, but said he is contacting me a lot to show that he values this, but also doesn’t want to scare me away. Maybe Missy Love will come back and update LS on how things are going with this guy.
manfrombelow2 Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 Young guys of LS should print out this topic and re-read them over and over again. Over-pursuing a woman guarantees 100% failure. No exception. 1 2
elaine567 Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 5 minutes ago, thaygiaogiang said: Over-pursuing a woman guarantees 100% failure. No exception. Some women love to be pursued, some women will dump a guy if he doesn't pursue her fervently enough, there are no fixed rules. Women are individuals, one size does not fit all. A woman may also love one guy pursuing her to distraction and hate another guy doing the very same thing. It is complicated. Too many men think there are formulas to guarantee success or to avoid failure. Life doesn't work like that. One needs to be flexible and think on one's feet and adapt to the situations that present. Following formulas and fixed rules will very likely guarantee failure. 2 3
manfrombelow2 Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: Some women love to be pursued, some women will dump a guy if he doesn't pursue her fervently enough, there are no fixed rules. Women are individuals, one size does not fit all. A woman may also love one guy pursuing her to distraction and hate another guy doing the very same thing. It is complicated. Too many men think there are formulas to guarantee success or to avoid failure. Life doesn't work like that. One needs to be flexible and think on one's feet and adapt to the situations that present. Following formulas and fixed rules will very likely guarantee failure. I said "over-pursuing", not "pursuing". Hello? Yes, one size does fit all, especially when it comes to women.
elaine567 Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 20 minutes ago, thaygiaogiang said: Yes, one size does fit all, especially when it comes to women. Oh dear... 1
Miss Spider Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 (edited) Well doing what this guy is doing pretty unlikely if you have a life with enough things going on and plenty of other viable options. Instead of don’t act like this guy it should be don’t be like this guy... Edited April 2, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
Kballer Posted April 9, 2020 Posted April 9, 2020 Completely understand where you are coming from... He really likes you and his desires to "lock you down" are doing the opposite. This is not something that you should have to coach him on. It's unfortunate as if you really like him... No one is going to tell him that he is screwing the pooch.. I've been prohibited from mentioning certain dating coaches here as the moderators will delete any reference I make to said coach.. That's unfortunate as it could really be beneficial to his, and your, relationship. This comes down to the "caveman mentality" which is ingrained in men from the time that we/they are young. We are told to pursue until we capture, or captivate, what we are after. Every movie on TV shows men chasing, and giving some stupid speech, that results in the woman just instantly giving in and falling in love with us.. That's not life, but that is the path that we are all told is correct. If I could talk to him, I'd fix this for you.. But... I can't... I can't even mention where he needs to go to learn the error of his ways.. Such is life on this web site. I wish you the best of luck. Men in America are so WUSSIFIED that it's amazing to me that women are even able to get pregnant any more... It seems estrogen is the chosen hormone for ALL MEN now-a-days... Your best bet.. Have him stop watching network TV.. Have him start hanging out with real men that actually do manly things.. Play sports.. Ride motorcycles... Lift weights.. Grow a pair for his sack.. When that happens, the roles in your relationship will be evident.. Until that happens... I see disappointment in your future. I'd tell you that you could try and talk to him about what he needs to do differently, but it's not your job, nor should it be, to teach him how to be a "man". If he has not figured it out yet... Is he the best choice to be a father for your children? Can he be the best partner for you in life? Depressing isn't it? Yes.. I think so too. 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted April 9, 2020 Posted April 9, 2020 It seems to me your bf's texts to you are not connecting with you emotionally and that's why they're bothering you. From the way you describe them, they seem almost mechanical to you. IOW, lacking in emotion or depth. Many guys I've dated I'm not interested in hearing from much because they don't connect emotionally with me. When a guy and I are on the same wave length he can text or he can call me on and off all day long and the convo just flows. When he's a great guy on paper but I'm not really feeling it with him, once a week contact is enough. Guys are smart to be sparse with their contact until they realize the woman is feeling it, IMO. 1
poppyfields Posted April 9, 2020 Posted April 9, 2020 (edited) 15 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said: When he's a great guy on paper but I'm not really feeling it with him, once a week contact is enough. Hi LivingWater, I found your post, specifically the above quote interesting May I ask why you would continue dating a man you're not really feeling it with? Not judging, I just can't relate to it, I'd rather date no one than a man I'm not feeling it with. In any event, once a week contact would not be enough to keep the connection alive for me, in the early stages, I'd most likely lose it. On the other hand, several times a day would be too much. I think touching base a few times a week until our next date would be ideal, there should be a balance imo. Once in an exclusive relationship, I'm happy with once a day, at night right before I fall asleep, I find that to be very intimate. Edited April 9, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author Missy Love Posted April 10, 2020 Author Posted April 10, 2020 It was going fine after a recent conversation, and I felt that I could be honest with him in terms of cooling things down. However, I'm starting to pick up that he's a little overzealous now with my family and friends who I have introduced him to. For instance, inviting himself over when he's only met them once.
LivingWaterPlease Posted April 10, 2020 Posted April 10, 2020 7 hours ago, poppyfields said: Hi LivingWater, I found your post, specifically the above quote interesting May I ask why you would continue dating a man you're not really feeling it with? Not judging, I just can't relate to it, I'd rather date no one than a man I'm not feeling it with. In any event, once a week contact would not be enough to keep the connection alive for me, in the early stages, I'd most likely lose it. On the other hand, several times a day would be too much. I think touching base a few times a week until our next date would be ideal, there should be a balance imo. Once in an exclusive relationship, I'm happy with once a day, at night right before I fall asleep, I find that to be very intimate. Good question, poppy fields! I have continued to see men as friends that I began dating to see if I could get interested in them. I'm always clear with them that there's no romantic future, though. I'm close friends with a man right now, that I began dating awhile ago and it just morphed into a friendship. I had another guy I began to see, it morphed into a friendship and I was his friend through four or five serious gf's he had before he finally married. His wife didn't want us to remain friends, which I understand. But, he was a good friend while it lasted. These are men I genuinely enjoy talking with and spending time with. There's just no spark there for me. They are great guys with lots to offer and end up eventually marrying other women. When I'm in a romantic relationship the guy is usually contacting me often and it's never too much for me.
LivingWaterPlease Posted April 10, 2020 Posted April 10, 2020 9 minutes ago, Missy Love said: It was going fine after a recent conversation, and I felt that I could be honest with him in terms of cooling things down. However, I'm starting to pick up that he's a little overzealous now with my family and friends who I have introduced him to. For instance, inviting himself over when he's only met them once. Oh, sorry to read this. Not comfy for you, I'd think. 1
newyorker11356 Posted April 12, 2020 Posted April 12, 2020 On 4/2/2020 at 3:20 PM, thaygiaogiang said: Yes, one size does fit all, especially when it comes to women. Ah, no, it doesn't. I speak from experience lol
simpycurious Posted April 13, 2020 Posted April 13, 2020 On 4/2/2020 at 11:23 AM, thaygiaogiang said: Young guys of LS should print out this topic and re-read them over and over again. Over-pursuing a woman guarantees 100% failure. No exception. I would also say the reverse happens as well....the over pursuit of a man by a woman.
Author Missy Love Posted April 17, 2020 Author Posted April 17, 2020 I think I’ve realized what the issue is, and it’s that I feel he is trying too hard to make me happy and please me. Instead of just leaving me alone sometimes, he is always checking in to make sure I am okay, and if there is anything he can do for me. Then, he takes it a step further to do that for my family too. I don’t feel I need nonstop attention, especially since he seems to want to be in contact all day long. Then, if I respond, he will try and keep the conversation going with another question, instead of recognizing that I have to work or have another obligation. The conversations, as I mentioned, don’t have much substance to them, but are more just trying to keep them going for the sake of it. He is a kind and caring person, so that’s why I haven’t ended it, and something I like about him. However, I am starting to feel drained by this.
preraph Posted April 17, 2020 Posted April 17, 2020 He's needy, and he shouldn't be doing that with your family. It's invasive. He's doing this for him, not you. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 18, 2020 Posted April 18, 2020 (edited) He has clearly over-reached and as disturbed as you may be, it doesn't sound like you are too worried based on your most recent posts. Just be frank and let him know, without any doubt, that he is not welcome to over-reach his welcome beyond yourself and only to the extend you need it. When people start to go beyond and invade the family with niceties, attention, he is actively trying to hijack the relationship and take control away from you, the partner. It is classic and happens all the time. You try to create a world in which you depict yourself as the wonderful person to everyone else to influence them and possibly place you on the defensive. He is a kind and caring person, so that’s why I haven’t ended it, and something I like about him. However, I am starting to feel drained by this. Many stalkers and manipulators of all kind are like this at first...but people who do not know the boundaries and/or choose not to respect them, are not good partners in any sense. Anyway, it is not absolutely clear, frankly, that you are seriously concerned. Curious. What is this "something" that you like about him? The attention (alone) he is giving you? It's been 3-weeks since you posted. Have things improved? Are you less or more annoyed? Edited April 18, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020
CLS63AMG Posted April 18, 2020 Posted April 18, 2020 On 3/28/2020 at 8:00 AM, Blind-Sided said: Well..... he may have been hit with the other side of that. It could be that he liked someone, but then didn't contact enough, and lost her. So... someone may have said to stay in contact with his date more. So... since we don't know the real story on the history... just be honest and say something like... "I like you, so we really don't have to contact each other aver few minutes." Doubt it, he's probably always done this and most likely run them all off because of it. He's trying to lock her into a relationship before he even knows who she is and she sees it as someone trying to steal her freedom away. This one will fail, and it'll be a long line of fails for buddy I bet. He's been watching too many rom-coms and real life don't work like that - might get him a restraining order though...
CLS63AMG Posted April 18, 2020 Posted April 18, 2020 On 3/30/2020 at 11:19 AM, rjc149 said: I don't believe women on here, or anywhere, saying they would love a man who is texting and calling non-stop, would find this behavior attractive beyond a certain initial time period. Most women are immediately repulsed by this behavior, and those who enjoy the glut of up-front validation will quickly tire of it. Even highly anxious and needy women get turned off by anxious and needy men. They are just projecting their own current situation/feelings, wishing their boyfriend or husband would text them that much.
rjc149 Posted April 19, 2020 Posted April 19, 2020 2 hours ago, CLS63AMG said: They are just projecting their own current situation/feelings, wishing their boyfriend or husband would text them that much. A lot of it is societal programming and conditioning. Men who are compliant, attentive, eager to please, and subservient make better long-term nesting propositions, thus women are instructed to value these traits, which is often in direct conflict with their sexual desire, especially when they are younger. 1
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