Realitysux Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 15 minutes ago, simpycurious said: Exactly Fletch. I assure you the opposite happens as well (women pursuing men) and IT'S awkward and HARD to find the best way to get the message across. Especially, if you like the lady and don't want to hurt their feelings. Some people are very concerned about HURTING ANOTHER PERSON. I tend to be interested in your posts because you have a lot of valuable comments and you do seem like a very nice person! But trying not to hurt someone can often hurt them more. The best thing you can ever do for someone else is tell them you aren't interested and allow them to move on. Unfortunately, life is full of pain and you can't prevent someone from enduring pain as it's just the way it goes. I don't want you to misunderstand my interest in your posts at all, I just find some of it educational and interesting!
simpycurious Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 Well, my comments are not anything extraordinary ( I get that) but I do believe you do anything within reason to NOT HURT someone. I get the whole "life is tough" and "full pain" stuff but STILL, if you can, not hurting someone is still the best avenue to take (for me). 1
elaine567 Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 4 minutes ago, simpycurious said: but STILL, if you can, not hurting someone is still the best avenue to take (for me). It's conflict avoidance. 1
stillafool Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 20 hours ago, Missy Love said: It’s very nice to have someone pursuing, and he is a good person and a rare find these days. I think that’s what makes me also afraid to let him go because I recognize potential. He is just more interested in me than I am in him. Sounds like you are just holding on to him for the ego boost. 1
simpycurious Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 10 hours ago, elaine567 said: It's conflict avoidance. I don't agree Elaine. Having compassion is not always the easiest thing to do and too some IT MATTERS.
ApoSebo_X Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 I honestly don't know lol I'm 14 i haven't even read that yet but words of advice believe in yourself i guess good luck 1
elaine567 Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 8 hours ago, simpycurious said: Having compassion is not always the easiest thing to do and too some IT MATTERS. Leading someone on as you don't want to hurt them is not compassionate. It just leads to more hurt and upset when they realise the "love" they thought they had was a sham or the whole thing was based on pity. Or you make it so awkward, that they figure it out for themselves so you aren't seen as the bad guy That is not being kind, that is taking the cowards way out as it is too difficult to tell them the truth. Wasting someone's time because you don't want to hurt them is skewed logic. 1 1
Interstellar Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 (edited) On 3/28/2020 at 4:38 PM, salparadise said: I don't think there is anything wrong with cultivating a relationship that doesn't start out like a three-alarm-fire. I also think it's not smart for a man to overdo the manic pursuit routine. Both genders are going to be more intrigued by someone who is a challenge, and takes a measured approach... as opposed telegraphing that they're vanquished, all-in from day one. The dance works in both directions. Yea, I know many women say they want a guy to be totally smitten... but if he's a high value prospect (and she's intrigued), he'll do better by being somewhat elusive and hard to nail down. I think he'd trigger your attraction more by being that way. There’s nothing wrong with it at all but people misinterpret it as game playing or “manipulation”, lol. It’s a love dance, and it’s supposed to be fun. So people should look at it that way. Edited March 30, 2020 by Interstellar
simpycurious Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: Leading someone on as you don't want to hurt them is not compassionate. It just leads to more hurt and upset when they realise the "love" they thought they had was a sham or the whole thing was based on pity. Or you make it so awkward, that they figure it out for themselves so you aren't seen as the bad guy That is not being kind, that is taking the cowards way out as it is too difficult to tell them the truth. Wasting someone's time because you don't want to hurt them is skewed logic. Nobody said anything about leading anyone on that OF COURSE is something that you inserted yourself. I was referencing HOW you tell them, As in the way/manner you do so.
stillafool Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 If you are annoyed that a guy you're dating is contacting you too much he's the wrong guy for you. Let him go because lots of ladies would love that treatment. Go for the emotional unavailable men, they rarely contact. 1
Miss Spider Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 1 hour ago, simpycurious said: Nobody said anything about leading anyone on that OF COURSE is something that you inserted yourself. I was referencing HOW you tell them, As in the way/manner you do so. I 12 hours ago, simpycurious said: I don't agree Elaine. Having compassion is not always the easiest thing to do and too some IT MATTERS. completely agree
Miss Spider Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, elaine567 said: Leading someone on as you don't want to hurt them is not compassionate. It just leads to more hurt and upset when they realise the "love" they thought they had was a sham or the whole thing was based on pity. Or you make it so awkward, that they figure it out for themselves so you aren't seen as the bad guy That is not being kind, that is taking the cowards way out as it is too difficult to tell them the truth. Wasting someone's time because you don't want to hurt them is skewed logic. I don’t think simpy would lead anyone on. He’s just a sweet guy and a lot of people assume stuff from that I don’t know if you should go out of your way to tell them.. That’s pretty assumptive and hurtful.. If they try to take it further, yes, kindly decline if you are certain there is no interest there. . Don’t lead them on, but don’t have to be blunt about it Edited March 30, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
rjc149 Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 A guy who is contacting you this frequently and incessantly is doing so out of neediness and insecurity. You don't "feel it" for him because his need for your validation and approval demonstrates a lack of confidence and security with himself, and that is unattractive to you on a fundamental level. I don't believe women on here, or anywhere, saying they would love a man who is texting and calling non-stop, would find this behavior attractive beyond a certain initial time period. Most women are immediately repulsed by this behavior, and those who enjoy the glut of up-front validation will quickly tire of it. Even highly anxious and needy women get turned off by anxious and needy men. Nothing you tell this guy is going to get him to change what is an insecurity issue he has with himself. He may pump the brakes on a superficial level if you ask him to, but that's not going to change the fundamental root of this behavior, which will manifest itself in other ways in due time. The only way you can re-ignite your attraction to him is for him to become a better version of himself, but that's 100% up to him, not you. 3 1
simpycurious Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said: I don’t think simpy would lead anyone on. He’s just a sweet guy and a lot of people assume stuff from that I don’t know if you should go out of your way to tell them.. That’s pretty assumptive and hurtful.. If they try to take it further, yes, kindly decline if you are certain there is no interest there. . Don’t lead them on, but don’t have to be blunt about it I think it's you that is the sweetest one and incredibly bright as well. There's no reason to hurt someone (or lead them on) if you can avoid it. Sometimes it cannot be avoided and that stinks. 1 1
Miss Spider Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 (edited) 30 minutes ago, rjc149 said: You don't "feel it" for him because his need for your validation and approval demonstrates a lack of confidence and security with himself, and that is unattractive to you on a fundamental level. I don't believe women on here, or anywhere, saying they would love a man who is texting and calling non-stop, would find this behavior attractive beyond a certain initial time period. Most women are immediately repulsed by this behavior, and those who enjoy the glut of up-front validation will quickly tire of it. Even highly anxious and needy women get turned off by anxious and needy This. Also, everyone wants to feel like they found a catch. . This kind of desperate behavior eliminates any excitement, spark, or challenge. The only way that spark could be there with a person incessantly texting is if they created a little doubt or mystery in another way..which would be difficult .. Edited March 30, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
skywriter Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 Missy Love, From reading your post, maybe you just aren't used to such thoughtful guys. This guy sounds like he is very thoughtful and wants to show you how thoughtful he can be. I can tell you that in my past relationships I had the very attractive men that other women were checking out, blah, blah, blah. The guy I'm with now, had all the women at my job, with their mouths dropped because he'd be standing outside the building with flowers every week trying to get me to come outside. I was taken back by this, but I also really felt special. If I were you I'd treasure the fact that he thinks so much of you. Isn't that what it's all about when you're dating? To eventually find the person to be happy with? 1
amaysngrace Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 She’s not happy though, sky. She’s annoyed. Some people enjoy that I guess, the constant texts, but I would be turned off as well. It just comes across as being very needy to me. 1 1
skywriter Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 (edited) Right, amaysngrace, I understand, yet I don't. I guess when because I've had the guys that could have all the women they want and even those they don't want. So i just appreciate the thoughtful guys, that truly care and try hard to show it. I just don't look at it as needy. i mean how is it needy? They're making the effort. Edited March 30, 2020 by skywriter 1
preraph Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 See, at first, she found it refreshing that he didn't miss a beat before asking her out, after all the guys who drug their feet. But now she's thinking this may run deeper than making a good first impression and might be clinginess on his part, so she needs to slow it down. You know, moderation is the comfort zone on most of these issues. It just is. Don't be predictable to a fault. 3
amaysngrace Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 17 minutes ago, skywriter said: i mean how is it needy? They're making the effort. Going from once every few days to four times a day is a bit much. I’d have to wonder what else he has going on in his life bedsides me at some point I wouldn’t want to be someone’s whole entire source of socialization and that behavior seems like that’s exactly what I’d be. It’s how I’d feel anyway. 1
skywriter Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 28 minutes ago, preraph said: See, at first, she found it refreshing that he didn't miss a beat before asking her out, after all the guys who drug their feet. Right, and maybe I'm projecting here, considering my own experiences. 31 minutes ago, preraph said: But now she's thinking this may run deeper than making a good first impression and might be clinginess on his part, so she needs to slow it down Maybe or just let him know when she won't be available to talk & or best time to text her. Who knows, she might miss it, if and when things change. I understand the moderation too and not being predictable.
preraph Posted March 30, 2020 Posted March 30, 2020 1 minute ago, skywriter said: Right, and maybe I'm projecting here, considering my own experiences. Ah, not everyone is for everyone. You're lucky you are how you are, Skywriter. Some of us can't help but make our paths more rocky. 1
rjc149 Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 (edited) 23 hours ago, skywriter said: he'd be standing outside the building with flowers every week trying to get me to come outside. Likely a generation gap here, but women these days would call the cops on this guy. When you walk into a car dealership or a retail store, and a smiling salesman immediately walks up to you and starts complimenting you excessively, accented with brief bursts of phony laughter as he follows you around the store, are you appreciative of the fact that he's "trying hard" and "putting in the effort?" Or do you immediately sense that this guy *needs* something from you, and you want to get the hell away from him? This is not the behavior of a loving boyfriend/husband in a close, committed relationship. She has done nothing to warrant this kind of worshiping, other than being his only option. That's really unattractive to all but the women with no other options themselves. His behavior is attached to expectations and rooted in a deep-seated need for validation and approval. Lack of confidence, strength and security. I guess there are a few women on here who prefer weak, subservient male partners. It makes them feel needed and empowered in the relationship. To each their own. Edited March 31, 2020 by rjc149
skywriter Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 Time will tell I suppose and I certainly hope this isn't the case. I agree that it is a generation gap here. My guy is anything but a subservient male and he's 54 years of age. He's all alpha and no nonsense. He does however treat the people, (mom, & myself) with gratitude and respect. He likes us to know how he appreciates us. 49 minutes ago, rjc149 said: His behavior is attached to expectations and rooted in a deep-seated need for validation and approval. Lack of confidence, strength and security. Lol! That's silly, poor guy he seems damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. 1
Author Missy Love Posted March 31, 2020 Author Posted March 31, 2020 I think part of it is that I have more social support than he does, where I feel I am kind of his main outlet. I do like him, so don’t want to write him off. I’ve told him how I feel, and he seems to be understanding of it, but said he is contacting me a lot to show that he values this, but also doesn’t want to scare me away. 1
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