Missy Love Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 I recently started dating someone, and everything had been going well, as he was truly pursuing me and lining up dates in the way that I had wanted from someone. One would end, and he would line up another right away, as well as stay in contact in between dates. I noticed that he seemed a little more eager than me in the beginning, but it was refreshing after going out with guys who wouldn't follow up after. By eager, I mean that he was the one initiating contact, and that if I didn't initiate contact, he always would. And, if I didn't respond, he would text more than once. Nothing too much at first, just once every couple of days, and then lining up a date for once per week, right after the prior one had ended. The first date was a bit elaborate and pricey though, but I thought he may have just been trying to impress me, and so I continued to go out with him. And then all of our other dates were nice, but it felt as though he was trying to move the relationship forward at a faster pace than I was, in terms of making it a committed relationship. He was ready to make it that probably within a few weeks of dating, but I've been more hesitant. We've continued to see one another, weekly. However, he has been contacting me more and more - sending me a daily text in the morning, a check in at lunch, a phone call in the evening, and a text good night, and if I don't initiate contact, he will, and if I don't respond, he'll text me again. Sometimes I just don't feel there is much substance in our texts, just sort of, "How are things today?" He will also check in to see if he can do any favors for me. Lately, it's been a bit too much. He says he wants to show me that he's truly invested and wants to be respectful of my space as well, yet I just feel the constant contact is more than what I'm used to. I do have feelings for him so have continued to go along with it, but feel this might be driving me away... Any thoughts?
salparadise Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 (edited) It would be too much for me as well... but based on what I've seen posted, women tend to prefer more contact rather than less, and like men to pursue with intention. My guess is that they feel soothed by constant reassurance and validation... they like feeling like the guy is totally smitten with them and doesn't know what to do with himself. It seems weird to me, kind of neurotic. I have dated women who expected daily communication, but not 3-4 times a day. I think you should send him a smoke signal to tone it down some. If he reads between the lines it might not need to be addressed directly, and if not then there is nothing wrong with saying what your preferences are––just be careful not to hurt his feelings too badly. And remember that his preferences matter too. I'd start by responding less often, and do so at the time you'd prefer a daily check-in (assuming once a day is good for you). The woman I'm seeing seems fine with checking in every other day or so. I started out making contact twice a week, and sometimes she will initiate before I get around to it. That seems about right to me, but each individual, and each couple will find a rhythm that works for them. Try not to be too specific with your expectations. Edited March 28, 2020 by salparadise 1
Blind-Sided Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 (edited) Well..... he may have been hit with the other side of that. It could be that he liked someone, but then didn't contact enough, and lost her. So... someone may have said to stay in contact with his date more. So... since we don't know the real story on the history... just be honest and say something like... "I like you, so we really don't have to contact each other aver few minutes." Edited March 28, 2020 by Blind-Sided
SummerDreams Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 The only times I used to be annoyed and frustrated with a guy initiating contact and dates more often than I would like were the times I was not into the guy that much. When me and my H started dating, we were going out every day after work and we'd stay out till 1am, go home, get some sleep, go to work and meet after work again for 2 months straight. We were exhausted but we loved it. We spent much time together at the beginning of our relationship so we built a strong base for it. The fact that you are feeling things are going too fast means you don't like him that much. You are free (and you should) tell him that you want to slow things down. 11 2
simpycurious Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 3 hours ago, Missy Love said: I recently started dating someone, and everything had been going well, as he was truly pursuing me and lining up dates in the way that I had wanted from someone. One would end, and he would line up another right away, as well as stay in contact in between dates. I noticed that he seemed a little more eager than me in the beginning, but it was refreshing after going out with guys who wouldn't follow up after. By eager, I mean that he was the one initiating contact, and that if I didn't initiate contact, he always would. And, if I didn't respond, he would text more than once. Nothing too much at first, just once every couple of days, and then lining up a date for once per week, right after the prior one had ended. The first date was a bit elaborate and pricey though, but I thought he may have just been trying to impress me, and so I continued to go out with him. And then all of our other dates were nice, but it felt as though he was trying to move the relationship forward at a faster pace than I was, in terms of making it a committed relationship. He was ready to make it that probably within a few weeks of dating, but I've been more hesitant. We've continued to see one another, weekly. However, he has been contacting me more and more - sending me a daily text in the morning, a check in at lunch, a phone call in the evening, and a text good night, and if I don't initiate contact, he will, and if I don't respond, he'll text me again. Sometimes I just don't feel there is much substance in our texts, just sort of, "How are things today?" He will also check in to see if he can do any favors for me. Lately, it's been a bit too much. He says he wants to show me that he's truly invested and wants to be respectful of my space as well, yet I just feel the constant contact is more than what I'm used to. I do have feelings for him so have continued to go along with it, but feel this might be driving me away... Any thoughts? Missy, I would tell him that you are uncomfortable. Obviously, he is really into you and perhaps he thinks you like all the attention. If you like him, I would get it across to him that it's too much too soon. It doesn't sound like he is a bad guy maybe just a little over zealous. 1
spiritedaway2003 Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 2 hours ago, SummerDreams said: The only times I used to be annoyed and frustrated with a guy initiating contact and dates more often than I would like were the times I was not into the guy that much. When me and my H started dating, we were going out every day after work and we'd stay out till 1am, go home, get some sleep, go to work and meet after work again for 2 months straight. We were exhausted but we loved it. We spent much time together at the beginning of our relationship so we built a strong base for it. The fact that you are feeling things are going too fast means you don't like him that much. You are free (and you should) tell him that you want to slow things down. ^^This is spot on. Check your level of interest in this guy. If you think you could work it out, then you should gently tell him to slow things down. Otherwise, you may find the situation to be suffocating, or irritating soon. If there is a shared level of interest, it's like you can't get enough of each other (that's the best in new relationships). It doesn't seemed like you're quite there with him yet.
preraph Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 It's got to be a pain in the butt for him to do all that too. next time you two are out on a nice date and getting along and without any tension and always smiling, tell him you appreciate how attentive he is but that sometimes it gets to be a strain to think of something to say in text and that you're starting to get tired of texting so much. just tell him he doesn't need to feel like he has to touch base with you three times a day. Maybe tell him that it was nice and reassuring in the beginning but that it's not necessary. In the alternative you might just tell him, hey I'm getting tired of texting. How about you just called me in the evening when it's convenient. Or you can just say that you aren't used to texting or specific reasons like to tell someone you have arrived.
Versacehottie Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 (edited) I agree with summer dreams. If you feel like this, it's probably your gut telling you that you just don't feel it for him. You might even feel lukewarm or slightly into him but your gut knows where it will end up, ie nowhere or not where you want. The only other thing I would guess is that you pick inaccessible guys typically because it's your comfort zone of not letting someone get to close to you and then being that this guy is a good guy who is showing interest, it just triggers your unconscious thought that you don't want to get too close to anyone. So check that this isn't what is going on. My thought is that even if it is you won't regret letting him go but will maybe just be more aware of your own reluctance on the next guy. I think most of us who have let a good guy go in a similar situation to yours, don't really regret it. You can wish you had stronger feelings and recognize that he's a good guy and a good choice for you after the fact but you can't change the chemistry that's going on for you. Oh, lastly the only other thing potentially is that some people get off on a back and forth dynamic which becomes the way they realize they have feelings, so in an unconscious way one person or the other will try to create that dynamic. I don't see that as what is going on with you but I guess it's possible. good luck! Edited March 28, 2020 by Versacehottie 1
kendahke Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 5 hours ago, Missy Love said: He says he wants to show me that he's truly invested and wants to be respectful of my space as well, yet I just feel the constant contact is more than what I'm used to. I do have feelings for him so have continued to go along with it, but feel this might be driving me away... Any thoughts? Why can't you tell him that he's conveying his interest very well and that you like him a lot, too, but that you don't require a lot of texting? You not telling him what you want is you driving him away, not him operating in a vacuum because you won't speak up. Stop silently stewing and just speak up for what you need. Clearly he doesn't know and you're not telling him. He's not a mind reader. 7
Author Missy Love Posted March 28, 2020 Author Posted March 28, 2020 How might I tell him to cool things down without hurting his feelings? I don’t want to completely cut the cord with him, and I do think I’ve typically gone for unattainable guys in the past. I have mentioned to him that previously, I felt that guys just ignored me in the dating process, and so I am wondering if he’s trying to make sure he doesn’t do that. It’s also that I feel there isn’t much substance behind the texts - just hope you get enough sleep sleeping beauty or something along those lines. If I think about my prior boyfriend history, I think that I couldn’t see or believe it when guys liked me, and eventually that pushed them away.
preraph Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 Say, I didn't mean for you to feel you had to text me just to be texting. How about once a day or a phone call once a day? 1
Interstellar Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 Sounds boring. In fairness, guys don’t know the right amount of distance because we haven’t been properly trained in the art of relationships. Relationships are not a man’s turf. Men like to go to wars, build caves, hunt sabre toothed tigers for dinner, protect the woman and child from predator dinosaurs, etc...by the time we’re finish we’re not thinking about relationships we just want to sleep, lol. I’m exaggerating but learning about relationships is also something we can add to the tool belt so to speak. I’d say taking her out once a week if she’s not your gf is fair. 2-3 times a week if she’s your gf so as not to wear out your welcome. You’ll have to tell him nicely that you only want to see him once or twice a week, and you want to miss him too or whatever.
preraph Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 And it's almost impossible to know which woman wants more or less texting. Even here on Loveshack, it's every which way. I want to text all day. I want to hear from him 3 times a day. I wish he'd stop texting. You can't please everyone, so communication is key, and like you said, YOU are who got him started, sounds like. So let him off the hook. Most guys would be relieved not to have to do so much meaningless boring maintenance, the only exception being those guys who want to track you all day ,which you should dump. 4 1
smackie9 Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 This is about measured attraction and balance. If you were really into him we wouldn’t be having this conversation. He is just ok to you, and he really really likes you....that’s an imbalance. It’s not going to work and you can’t force him to slow his attraction down and he can’t force you to increase attraction for him. I have been in your shoes many times and the common denominator is that I wasn’t into them romantically. He’s nice, attentive, generous but there’s no wow factor. Trying to make it work is a waste of time. I ended up hurting some guys pretty bad because I took too long to make a decision. 6
elaine567 Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 6 hours ago, Missy Love said: Sometimes I just don't feel there is much substance in our texts, just sort of, "How are things today?" ^^^ this. Relationships are about finding compatible people, niceness is good, but not enough in itself to keep things going. If he interested you, you would love hearing from him, As it is he bores you. Is he boring or are you just not giving him much to work on?
preraph Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 My feeling about that is that there aren't enough things to talk about in person if you talk about it all during texting. Then you're bored in person with them as everything you say would be repetitive. I just think you are better off bonding in person because it offers the opportunity to really get close and also to get physical. You waste a lot of sentiment doing it remotely, just my opinion. 2
Author Missy Love Posted March 28, 2020 Author Posted March 28, 2020 I think perhaps part of me is afraid to cut him loose because he has been the first decent guy who I have met in a long time who is really interested in me...There isn’t anything wrong with him, so have felt like I should keep going with it. When we are in-person, we have fun. 2
Ellener Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 @Missy Love empathise, but honey I do so wish my crush-friend would text me. My son too for that matter. But I have a few people who I wish would contact me way less- so I get it. 1 hour ago, Missy Love said: There isn’t anything wrong with him, so have felt like I should keep going with it. When we are in-person, we have fun. I think at times like this ( or even way lesser problems ) we all wish we had/could/would settle, and I thought last night walking alone in a too-nostalgic place ( because it was empty ) 'I'm going to marry the next man who asks me who has no cough and reasonable personal hygiene!' I won't- but for now I'll tell myself I will...( ...form an orderly queue six feet apart... )
preraph Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 If you have some attraction for him, then if you just slow down the communication without insulting him, it might still work out. If you have no attraction but just friendship, he'll have some say about that.
Author Missy Love Posted March 28, 2020 Author Posted March 28, 2020 It’s very nice to have someone pursuing, and he is a good person and a rare find these days. I think that’s what makes me also afraid to let him go because I recognize potential. He is just more interested in me than I am in him. 1
salparadise Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 I don't think there is anything wrong with cultivating a relationship that doesn't start out like a three-alarm-fire. I also think it's not smart for a man to overdo the manic pursuit routine. Both genders are going to be more intrigued by someone who is a challenge, and takes a measured approach... as opposed telegraphing that they're vanquished, all-in from day one. The dance works in both directions. Yea, I know many women say they want a guy to be totally smitten... but if he's a high value prospect (and she's intrigued), he'll do better by being somewhat elusive and hard to nail down. I think he'd trigger your attraction more by being that way. You've been given good suggestions as to how to approach it. I still think you may be able to accomplish it without having to say in so many words. For example, you could ignore the texts but then in the evening send just one –– "call me." Or you call him. Then if he brings it up just say you're not a big fan of texting and would rather talk in the evenings. 3
simpycurious Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 9 hours ago, Missy Love said: It’s very nice to have someone pursuing, and he is a good person and a rare find these days. I think that’s what makes me also afraid to let him go because I recognize potential. He is just more interested in me than I am in him. There is a marked difference between actively pursuing and the "hard court press"(basketball term sorry). Here's the deal Missy, if you LIKE him enough to want him to STAY AROUND then you need to let him know that he needs to "cool his jets"
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 The only way that we, as people, know how to have relationships is to continue the habits we developed in our previous ones. Just as his habits continue, so do yours; you wont tell him the truth, but you also wont cut ties, you just choose to be content in this space you dont want to be in. If your not motivated to develop new and better habits, just move on.
Fletch Lives Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 17 hours ago, smackie9 said: This is about measured attraction and balance. If you were really into him we wouldn’t be having this conversation. He is just ok to you, and he really really likes you....that’s an imbalance. It’s not going to work and you can’t force him to slow his attraction down and he can’t force you to increase attraction for him. I have been in your shoes many times and the common denominator is that I wasn’t into them romantically. He’s nice, attentive, generous but there’s no wow factor. Trying to make it work is a waste of time. I ended up hurting some guys pretty bad because I took too long to make a decision. - Fantastic post. How long have you been dating this guy? While he does sound a little overeager, you seem to be very slow. It sounds to me that you are just not interested in him.
simpycurious Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 3 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: - Fantastic post. How long have you been dating this guy? While he does sound a little overeager, you seem to be very slow. It sounds to me that you are just not interested in him. Exactly Fletch. I assure you the opposite happens as well (women pursuing men) and IT'S awkward and HARD to find the best way to get the message across. Especially, if you like the lady and don't want to hurt their feelings. Some people are very concerned about HURTING ANOTHER PERSON.
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