FMW Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 3 hours ago, Mystery4u said: that's what credit cards are for. I wouldn't go in to debt - especially credit card debt - for something that wasn't necessary. Not a good habit to get into. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 Hmmmm...You have been together 6-years and just got engaged and just bought a house together... You don't think these changes have anything to do with these HUGE changes in life? She is even more insecure, anxious, irritable than the past. I can see why. Just to be clear, this suffocation as you describe it has become an issue after my first sentence of events, right? So, she wasn't always this way and likely not who she is. How have YOU changed since all this? How long have you two been living together 24/7?
Mystery4u Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 11 hours ago, FMW said: I wouldn't go in to debt - especially credit card debt - for something that wasn't necessary. Not a good habit to get into. The kitchen needs a massive makeover, sounds very necessary to me.
Lotsgoingon Posted April 3, 2020 Posted April 3, 2020 OP, don't spend any money on the kitchen. Spend on moving out. 1 2
kendahke Posted April 3, 2020 Posted April 3, 2020 48 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: The kitchen needs a massive makeover, sounds very necessary to me. not in the current economic climate. The kitchen needed a massive makeover when they looked at the house before they bought it and still, they bought it. The kitchen didn't go to hell last week. 3
Lotsgoingon Posted April 3, 2020 Posted April 3, 2020 And the kitchen ain't the problem. OP could live in a mansion with servants running the kitchen and this relationship would still be off the rails. 1
healing light Posted April 3, 2020 Posted April 3, 2020 10 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Just to be clear, this suffocation as you describe it has become an issue after my first sentence of events, right? So, she wasn't always this way and likely not who she is. OP said he has always known she is a very emotional person and that her behavior has escalated over the last year or so to where now it is intolerable. They only moved in together less than 6 months ago. This is who she is. There is no excuse for behaving this way for any extended period of time. It's abusive, imo. Can you imagine if they had a problem beyond the aesthetics of the kitchen? I would hate to raise children with someone who acts like a petulant toddler. You can see evidence of gaslighting throughout this post with how he always has to apologize first and how she pulls DARVO (deny attack, reverse victim and offender) when he tries to address her emotional problems and turns it back on him by saying he's making excuses for not wanting to spend time with her. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 3, 2020 Posted April 3, 2020 (edited) 25 minutes ago, healing light said: OP said he has always known she is a very emotional person and that her behavior has escalated over the last year or so to where now it is intolerable. They only moved in together less than 6 months ago. This is who she is. There is no excuse for behaving this way for any extended period of time. It's abusive, imo. Can you imagine if they had a problem beyond the aesthetics of the kitchen? I would hate to raise children with someone who acts like a petulant toddler. You can see evidence of gaslighting throughout this post with how he always has to apologize first and how she pulls DARVO (deny attack, reverse victim and offender) when he tries to address her emotional problems and turns it back on him by saying he's making excuses for not wanting to spend time with her. Hmmmmm...yes, only now she has become intolerable whereas in the past, before all of this, she was 'tolerable.' So, it could very well be that her escalation has to do with these life changes. Not suggesting that it is not abusively, nor am I making excuses for her. Rather, I am suggesting that this could be attributed to recent events. This over the top, now intolerable behavior sounds new to me. OP, have you spoken to her about this possibility and proposed some ways to help alleviate any new anxieties she may have that makes her even more crazy, less tolerable now? Edited April 3, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020
kendahke Posted April 3, 2020 Posted April 3, 2020 12 hours ago, basil67 said: I suspect there are two sides to this story. actually 3---his, hers and the truth
Mystery4u Posted April 4, 2020 Posted April 4, 2020 On 4/3/2020 at 1:13 AM, kendahke said: not in the current economic climate. The kitchen needed a massive makeover when they looked at the house before they bought it and still, they bought it. The kitchen didn't go to hell last week. Exactly my point. It's been 6 months and the OP still hasn't got his finger out of his ass and sorted out the kitchen. Could have been paid off by now if he sorted it on his credit card when they moved in. No wonder she is complaining. As the man he is supposed to provide security and stability for her, make her feel like the most important woman in the world. Instead he has been ignoring her and making excuses. And there is one reason for that; he doesn't want to invest in the relationship as he is growing more and more distant due to her behaviours and does not see a future with her, hence this topic.
Kballer Posted April 4, 2020 Posted April 4, 2020 (edited) My advice? Seek counseling.. If counseling does not resolve the issues-BTFO! That is Bail The "F" Out! It's darn near impossible to "fix" the problems your potential spouse has. Over time, as your income increases, so will the cost of those things she desires. You will forever be killing yourself to provide her what she "needs".. It's a trap! Don't fall for it. As other posters have stated-there is a better life partner for you out there. Look at it this way.. You have either wasted the last 6 years of your life with someone who is a TERRIBLE partner.. BUT, you are now free to find someone better... Or, you have wasted the last 6 years of your life with a terrible partner and you are going to make it a 20 year loss.... Your decision. You already know where I would push you to go to.... Yeah... Try counseling first.. Just so you can say you "gave it a shot". If it works.. Great! If it does not work-RUN! RUN fast! Run far! This is not the person who will have your back if, or when, things get sticky... This is not the person that you will be able to wake up to happily for the next 50 years and be thankful that you met... I'm sorry.. You chose wrong.. But it's not too late for either of you.. Do what is best for BOTH of you.. Let her go. She deserves someone else, and you deserve someone BETTER. Edited April 4, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
kendahke Posted April 5, 2020 Posted April 5, 2020 (edited) On 4/3/2020 at 9:55 PM, Mystery4u said: Could have been paid off by now if he sorted it on his credit card when they moved in. coulda woulda shoulda... but but but... what if... I'm not going down the speculation worm hole. Instead of sitting on the couch every evening wanting to be cuddled, getting an app gig to amass the $$ would be the adult thing to do if she wants a kitchen redo. Edited April 5, 2020 by kendahke
Gr8fuln2020 Posted April 6, 2020 Posted April 6, 2020 On 4/3/2020 at 7:55 PM, Mystery4u said: Instead he has been ignoring her and making excuses. And there is one reason for that; he doesn't want to invest in the relationship as he is growing more and more distant due to her behaviours and does not see a future with her, hence this topic. I have to wonder....is he no longer tolerant because he was becoming more distant or he is becoming more distant because of her behavior that he has tolerated for 6 years(?)!?
Kballer Posted April 9, 2020 Posted April 9, 2020 It does not matter how the "distance" came into the relationship. It only matters how he is going to deal with the "distance" going forward.. It sounds to me like she is only happy, or can only be happy, when she is getting materially, what she wants. If that is factual, she is the LAST PERSON ON EARTH that he needs to be involved with. People, women in particular, that are so focused on material possessions are missing something in their genetic make up that does not allow them to be happy with life just as it is.. They are only happy, if you can call their misery that, when they are attempting to achieve their material goals-which are often not met unless they marry uber rich... and still not appreciated even when achieved.. These people are like caustic acid. They will burn up, and destroy, every person, or thing, they come in contact with, regardless of what you are, or are not, able to provide them. In short... They are F'ed.. Think of it as a mental illness.. If her kitchen is so important to her... Ask her straight up "what is your plan to to get the kitchen to a point where you are happy?". If she looks at you, or intimates that is YOUR responsibility to correct the "wrong"... Run... Run fast.. Sleep with her best friend.. Or sister... Or mother.. Whatever you need to do to burn that bridge to the ground so that there is NEVER a chance for reconciliation... That's what you need to do... She is a hand grenade with the pin already pulled and it's not a question of if she is going to blow, but when... A woman who truly loves you, is willing to stick with you through thick and thin.. Obviously as a man, you want to provide her the very best that you can.. But regardless of what that is... She should be willing to stand beside you, with her arm around you, and tell you that she loves you.. Anything less than that is bull s***... Don't settle for bull s*** as if you settle for it once, you will settle for it for a lifetime. 1
Recommended Posts