MazdaMan2020 Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 Hi, First, some background info.. I have been with my other half for 6 years now, we're both in our mid 20s and are engaged and live together in a house that we purchased together less than 6 months ago. I feel like I've come to a fork in the road and don't know which path to take. Personally, I'm very laid back, I like to stay calm, happy, relaxed and enjoy most things in life day to day. In the last year or so, my other half has become very short-fused over even the smallest of things, everything must he rushed and done right here - right now without any delay, again, she will get fiery and irritated. I've always known that she is a very emotional person but it's just getting worse to where it's affecting our relationship. Over the last 2 weeks we've been arguing nearly everyday over the most tiniest of things and I'm literally at my wit's end. If i mention her emotions it'll set her off. We've moved into our house less than 6 months ago and the kitchen needs a massive makeover. We have hardly any savings so will need to save up to cover these costs, which I have explained to her but she is constantly moaning, irritated, and keeping on and on how she doesn't like the kitchen and that she wants a kitchen right now. Which as I explained to her can't be done as we don't have the funds to do it yet, and it's just non-stop moping about it. I work 60 hours a week so by the time i get home there is only a certain amount of time and daylight left for me to do the things that I need / want to get done, one example was last night: On the drive home i noticed that the inside of my windshield needs cleaning as it had a lot of sun glare, so I got home, she had made tea which was great and I told her that I was going to go out and clean all of the windows on my car before going to work tomorrow morning. I go outside and was out there for 10 minutes and she was already badgering me to hurry up and come back inside. She doesn't have any hobbies and just wants to be with me every single second that we're both home and when i say that i want to do something, even for 5 minutes that doesn't involve her like check something on the PC or phone my parents to see how they're doing. She gets inpatient and tells me to hurry up as I'm wasting time and wasting the evening, etc. Which then irritates me as I'm laid back and hate rushing things. If I mention that she could get a hobby then it'll just be shrugged off and she loses it saying that it's because I don't want to be with her or spend time with her. Which I then give in and do what she wants so it doesn't lead to an argument. So my average week is working from 04:00am till 17:30ish everyday then having to cuddle and watch tv with her right up till we go to bed at 22:00ish. Now don't get me wrong, I like doing that, but not every single day... We have 1 day each weekend where we both aren't working and it's the same, we need to spend the entire day together and anything that I want to do on a side-note, like pop to the shop to replace a bulb in the car, it irritates her and then I need to rush and get it, put it in the car fast otherwise she'll be irritated that I'm taking too long doing it. I'm just feeling very suffocated at the moment, to the point that I'm wondering if this will go on for the rest of my life. We've fought countless times over her short-fuse and these petty arguments, she says she won't get annoyed and stressy over little things and give me breathing space, but it just reverts back again, and again... Because we are engaged, my thought is that I don't know which path to take... One path leads me to staying put, and seeing if things will ever change down the road and I don't know if it will or not. The other path is leaving the last 6 years of my life. I hope this post isn't taken the wrong way by thinking that I'm being selfish and everything is about me, me, me, etc. I just don't think it's normal to be arguing and falling out weekly, sometimes bi-weekly and that I have to walk on egg shells around her constantly because I don't want to do anything to set her off by me not doing things fast enough or wanting to do something other than sitting on the sofa and cuddling every single second that we're both together. Any advice would be appreciated, as I'm really at a loss of what to do. I love her dearly, but I shouldn't feel trapped.
FMW Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 What you describe does sound suffocating. It's highly unlikely she'll ever change so most definitely don't base your decision on the possibility that she will. I know six years is a long time to invest in someone and then have it end, but even harder will be dealing with these issues for the next 20, 30, 40, 50 years.
Fletch Lives Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 (edited) Okay, so you two have talked about it, but she's not changing. Sometimes actions scream, but talk is cheap. Oh wow, she is needy - and mean when she does not get her way. Get an outside (outside the house where she can't reach you to scold you, lol) hobby or friend or work or whatever and tell her you'll be back at the time you are done - if she picks a fight, ignore her. If she picks a fight when you get back home - leave again for a period and ignore her again. Eventually, she'll learn that you need your healthy space and if she wants to see you, she has to be nice to you. The psychology here is that you are using actions, not hateful words to make it her idea to change. The best way to invoke change is to get them to think it's their own idea. Some wise words: Nobody can make you argue. And, sometimes you have to train them. Yes, these are some controversial words - but this is about saving a relationship. You have to be tough and stop being a wimp and stop letting your girlfriend hen-peck you to death. It's a living hell, isn't it? But you have to do it in a positive way, not a mean way for best results. Edited March 27, 2020 by Fletch Lives 1
spiderowl Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 Sorry to hear about your situation. If your girlfriend does not have a job, then she is probably centring her life around the time she spends with you. It is not fair of her to expect things to be done fast if you cannot afford them and she is not working. She is being selfish. Admittedly, she is probably looking at the kitchen every day, so it is bugging her more than it is you, nevertheless she has to accept that getting into debt to get a job done is not sensible. It sounds like she is caught up in the superficial aspects of life rather than able to see your financial circumstances. It may be that your girlfriend is suffering from anxiety and especially separation anxiety. This is why she is clinging and badgering you for attention. Anxiety tends to make people want to control the things that make them feel anxious and your girlfriend is trying to control you and the house. This is not realistic or fair on you of course. I doubt she is likely to change unless she gets some insight into her behaviour or has something with which to occupy her time, like a job or volunteer work. I would suggest you tell her you are working hard, doing your best for her, and that she needs to be more supportive of you and less demanding. It would help with getting the kitchen done if she got a job to pay for it (but no borrowing on the basis of her getting a job). If she does not accept any of the above, you could suggest relationship therapy to help you both. I think you need to decide whether this relationship is worth saving if the above suggestions do not help.
stillafool Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 5 hours ago, MazdaMan2020 said: The other path is leaving the last 6 years of my life. This is the path I would chose. Otherwise you will be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life my friend. She is way too needy, angry and impatient IMHO. You will go bald if you stay with her. 1
preraph Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 Since you're engaged but not married this is certainly the time to be deciding if that's really what you need to do. It's unlikely she's going to change. I mean you should at least have a serious talk with her and demand to have so much time off and make it at a certain time and say I want to take Wednesdays off when I can just go in my man cave or do whatever I want. But she's not going to like it if she's that clingy. now anytime I hear someone saying she wants things done right now etcetera I'm assuming you're talking about your part of the house work and for that reason I don't have any sympathy for that. if however you're talkin about that kitchen remodel then of course you have to wait until you have money to do it. How does she have time for all this, does she work full time,? if not she needs to work full-time and you need to make sure she does so you can have some time to yourself and more money. I would even suggest to her she take a part time job on her days off because it sounds to me like she has too much time on her hands if she's trying to micromanage you. You are going to have to have a serious talk with her. And if you not been holding up your half of the household chores and just been putting them off hoping she'll do them instead, you need to do your part without needing to be nagged and that can be your compromise in order to get her to either do more work or give you space. You're already working 60 hours a week so you're not home much. 1 1
stillafool Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 5 hours ago, MazdaMan2020 said: We have 1 day each weekend where we both aren't working It seems she does have a job.
Author MazdaMan2020 Posted March 27, 2020 Author Posted March 27, 2020 Thanks for the reply everybody. She does work, typically Mon-Fri 08:00 till 17:00ish. Occasionally Saturdays if she's needed. So we both work a fair amount, but not so much that it should create this need to be together all the time. If I were working away and only back at weekends then I'd completely understand.
preraph Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 Well, that's good. You're just going to have to tell her you need some space, and just ask for a specific day "off" from doing what she wants. And negotiate that you might go out and do something or you might just want alone time at home, but if you go out, you'll let her know where, but that she needs to agree not to be contacting you during this time to yourself. You're just going to have to tell her . I mean, it's not just HER needs that are important. 1
kendahke Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 (edited) Stop rushing. End the engagement. Do not marry her. You are getting a taste of what being legally bound to her will be like and it will get worse, not better. It's time for you to put your foot down. Tell her if she doesn't like it, she can pay off her share of the house and leave. Edited March 27, 2020 by kendahke 3
stillafool Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 OP, I know you are probably cringing at the above 2 posts but there's no getting around it. You are going to have to upset her first in order to get some freedom otherwise she is going to continue using you like a lap dog. 1
preraph Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 The way I look at it you have some leverage because she's going to want to get married and if this is a condition of getting married then she'll be more motivated to give in.
Lotsgoingon Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 Engagement means nothing, as in it should play absolutely no role whatsoever in your decision going forward. You do not want to move forward in a relationship ... into marriage ... for any other reason that the overwhelming feeling and conclusion that ... you WANT to move forward. You would have a terrible marriage, a miserable marriage and you would have a miserable life. You're probably already covering for this woman. I dated someone like this... who did not have a life outside of me. Your fiance screams neediness and insecurity ... and what happens is ... you can't tell people who insecure she is. So you start shaving off the truth ... and over time ... that rots your insides ... because you put distance between you and the world. Hint: the woman you want to marry ... is someone who as you talk about her to others ... would bring a big huge involuntary smile to your face ... you'd be able to rattle off ten things that make her amazing. And neediness would not be on that list. But let's go deeper. Why has it taken you six years to face up to her neediness, which had to have been clear after 2 months?! Staying with someone this needy--and my God, you went full reckless in proposing to her--doing this shows you are out of balance. Do you have trouble saying no, and standing your ground?! Something is up with you that you would allow things to get this far? ... The quicksand was moving beneath your feet years ago ... you had to blind yourself to keep going. Or maybe you like pain. Go take up boxing or mixed martial arts if you want pain in your life. Get out. Yesterday. By all means ... and start working on saying "no" and avoiding people like this in the future. 2 1
SweetCharity Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 I would go as far as to call her behavior abusive. Get out while you can. I know what it's like to struggle with neediness and separation anxiety but I always try to be aware of it and set boundaries for myself and the partner I have at the time. She's clearly not willing to. 2
Lorenza Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 My god, I feel claustrophobic just reading this. Must be so tough constantly trying not to set your SO off. Imagine your life being with a laid back, non irritable, non clingy partner. Someone who gets home, gives you a kiss and goes, say, to yoga classes, or is practicing an instrument. Or even reading a book. You can do your things, chill, enjoy each others presence doing your own things. No arguments over nothing. Thats how it is having a confident partner who has intererests of her own. It could be your life too if you had some self respect to leave your current fiancee. It might even push her own life into a better direction. 5 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: But let's go deeper. Why has it taken you six years to face up to her neediness, which had to have been clear after 2 months?! Staying with someone this needy--and my God, you went full reckless in proposing to her--doing this shows you are out of balance. Do you have trouble saying no, and standing your ground?! Something is up with you that you would allow things to get this far? ... The quicksand was moving beneath your feet years ago ... you had to blind yourself to keep going. Or maybe you like pain. Go take up boxing or mixed martial arts if you want pain in your life. May sound kind of rough, but as you get older and move through life, you'll see this ^^^ is mostly very accurate! See tag line below and answer those questions thoughtfully and truthfully, and for yourself only!!
elaine567 Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 On 3/27/2020 at 10:12 AM, MazdaMan2020 said: We've moved into our house less than 6 months ago and the kitchen needs a massive makeover. We have hardly any savings so will need to save up to cover these costs, which I have explained to her but she is constantly moaning, irritated, and keeping on and on how she doesn't like the kitchen and that she wants a kitchen right now I suspect that this is a huge problem and is at the heart of your recent issues. You are both working long hours, and having a dreadful kitchen to come home to, is no doubt driving her mad. You do not have enough money as you overextended yourselves with the house move. That is very stressful and worrying and the kitchen is a daily reminder of that. She is irritated and disappointed. She is I guess a bit scared. You being laidback is probably not helping. She is worried sick and you are saying "Manyana... " Yes she is clingy and very emotional and NEEDS cuddles but I guess that if the money situation got better, and some stability was resumed, she would not feel the need to monopolise and argue with you quite so much. 2
FMW Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 3 hours ago, elaine567 said: if the money situation got better Having the money to do what we want (new kitchen in this case) makes everyone happier, but she's an adult. She should understand their financial situation and understand that it can't happen right now. Having a laid back attitude about something that you can't do anything about at the moment isn't a bad thing. If she's clingy because of her inability to deal with circumstances that can't be changed at the moment, that's still a problem. The crappy kitchen won't be the last thing that she'll need to exercise patience with, life throws these situations at us all along the way. The ability to cope without clinging will be an ongoing issue. 3 1
Whodatdog Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 It sounds like a case of incompatibility to me. You can love someone without being able to live with them. You shouldnt have to walk on eggshells around the person you are planning on marrying. There has to be some give and take in a relationship, and part of that means giving your better half some space when they want to do something else. Its unfortunate that you bought a house together, as that keeps you from making a move that might help out your relationship. Sometimes just distancing for a time period is enough to reset and figure out whats important. With living together, it makes it difficult. 1
kendahke Posted March 29, 2020 Posted March 29, 2020 At the end of the day, when she went with OP to look at the house, she saw the condition of the kitchen and still went ahead and signed the papers to buy it. The mortgage company goes over finances with a fine tooth comb before lending the money and they watch your income/spending like a hawk during the time between signing the papers and completing closing. She knew then exactly how much money they didn't have to take care of the kitchen, but she still went ahead and bought the house. Her arguments ring a bit hollow and her behavior is childish.
JacobJ29 Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 This sounds like a situation that I've just got myself out of, and yes....getting myself out of it was the answer. You cannot reason with people like her, make them unhappy and put your foot down, your life becomes even more miserable. Give in and give them what they want, your life is bearable but still pretty miserable. Why live a life of walking on eggshells, because that's all it will be. I tried numerous 'restarts' but we kept hitting exactly the same issues. Part of it was compatibility I'm sure, but this was a person who was incessantly needy. How you describe your situation rings true to me in so many ways. My entire life had to revolve around her, if it didn't I needed to have a damn good reason as to why...otherwise I'd be subjected to consistent guilt trips. I'd also describe myself as being a laid back guy, I just take things as they come and go with it. I just couldn't get my head around her short fuse and how small things would just throw her off course and cause her to erupt, usually at me. It got to the point where I'd look into the future and ask myself.....is this someone who is going to change, or is this it? I came to the conclusion that this is it...and I needed to end it. You need to ask yourself if you're happy, if you're not....then don't drag it out. Your happiness is the most important thing here and if someone else is making you unhappy, then you gotta eradicate them from the cycle. It's not easy, not at all, but trust me if she's as needy and emotionally fragile as my ex, then you will feel the most amazing sense of freedom if you do decide to move on. Just don't feel like you're trapped - this is your life, live by what you want and not by someone elses needs. But if you take any advice, take this....do not marry her, call off the engagement. If you're posting on these sites about your fiance then that's an enormous alarm you simply cannot ignore mate - as hard as that may be to accept. 4
Juha Posted March 31, 2020 Posted March 31, 2020 This is not a situation anyone would want to be in. I know you have been together for a few years, are engaged, bought a house, etc. If you have talked, tried to work through things and she does not want to improve then I would say it is time to cut your losses and dump her. The person you decide to be with is the most important decision in your life and will decide if your life is good and happy or not. This does not look good at all and you should call things off if things do not improve. If you go through with things you will be miserable. I know you care for her but if she does not want to be a part of the team then you need to cut her out of your life. It sounds like she does not pull her weight in this relationship at all to be honest... I wish you luck 1
Mystery4u Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 Whilst I agree she is too clingy, there were a couple of points I noticed. You say you have no savings for the kitchen... that's what credit cards are for. Do you not have one? If not, why? You arrive home after a long day at work, she makes you tea, and the first thing you do is go back out to clean your car.. like seriously? You can at least chill with her, talk to her about her day, spend a bit of time with her, show her you missed her. Women like to feel wanted. Personally all my best relationships, we wanted to spend as much time together as possible. There was never 'too much' time we were together, we just loved each others company. She is definitely in the wrong in not letting you do your own thing sometimes like talk to your parents how long you want etc. Sounds like you are both expecting different things from each other, it's just surprising it's taken 6 years to see you are not really that compatible. Better to end it before the wedding and find someone who meets your expectations.
healing light Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 On 3/27/2020 at 3:12 AM, MazdaMan2020 said: very short-fused over even the smallest of things On 3/27/2020 at 3:12 AM, MazdaMan2020 said: I've always known that she is a very emotional person On 3/27/2020 at 3:12 AM, MazdaMan2020 said: arguing nearly everyday over the most tiniest of things On 3/27/2020 at 3:12 AM, MazdaMan2020 said: I'm literally at my wit's end On 3/27/2020 at 3:12 AM, MazdaMan2020 said: non-stop moping On 3/27/2020 at 3:12 AM, MazdaMan2020 said: badgering me On 3/27/2020 at 3:12 AM, MazdaMan2020 said: She doesn't have any hobbies and just wants to be with me every single second On 3/27/2020 at 3:12 AM, MazdaMan2020 said: I then give in and do what she wants so it doesn't lead to an argument On 3/27/2020 at 3:12 AM, MazdaMan2020 said: I'm just feeling very suffocated On 3/27/2020 at 3:12 AM, MazdaMan2020 said: We've fought countless times over her short-fuse On 3/27/2020 at 3:12 AM, MazdaMan2020 said: I have to walk on egg shells around her constantly You know what you need to do, but it won't be convenient. You can't marry this woman unless you want more of the above for the rest of your life.
simpycurious Posted April 2, 2020 Posted April 2, 2020 Mazada, I am going to venture to say things WILL NOT get better over time. I have no idea why someone would KNOWINGLY be with someone that acts like that. Everyone needs their own space. You better think LONG and HARD about what you are involved in and where it's headed
Recommended Posts