DJMarky Posted March 26, 2020 Posted March 26, 2020 Wow. I've been thinking about my ex a lot then remembered I wrote a post about our breakup over 10 years ago! I can't believe I was able to find it. Last time I was on this site was 2009. A *LOT* has happened since then. I moved overseas and lived in Canada in a ski resort for a few years, now I live in Europe, travelled a lot, advanced in my career, have been in 3 relationships and numerous flings since that post. I still think about her a lot though, too much. Something is wrong with me. We haven't had any contact cause I just blocked her out of existence. I heard through the grapevine she is now getting married to the dude she cheated on me with. Not sure how to feel. Definitely not as garbage as I did. Anyways, in isolation you get bored, so I decided to post here. Sup!
Realitysux Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 Sup! Ten years is a long time. How are you doing now?
Author DJMarky Posted April 11, 2020 Author Posted April 11, 2020 (edited) I am doing OK. I still think about her a lot, more than any of my other exes even though we have not been in contact for SO long and I wouldn't even know how to contact her if I wanted to. As I said I have been in other relationships since her and been intimate with a lot of women, partied hard and tried to get her out of my system but nothing seems to work. I think I just have to accept this was the first girl that broke my heart, really shattered me, and no other relationship hurt me so much. In fact, the last few I have had I haven't really cared. No idea why this girl really got to me but after 10 years she is still who I think about. I am in Europe now, a long way way from home and have to focus on being happy here. Been very nostalgic recently, maybe cause I am getting 'old' and am looking back on my youth a lot. Always wondering what I should have done differently (not just with that relationship but life in general). Life is complex. Edited April 11, 2020 by DJMarky
lonelyplanetmoon Posted April 11, 2020 Posted April 11, 2020 Have you done any therapy? I am thinking that you may be emotionally unavailable due to being afraid to open your heart again. It is a really scary thing to open yourself especially if you don’t trust yourself that you will be able to heal yourself if heartbreak happens again. I am struggling with this currently and my friend @scooby-philly has posted about emotional honesty in one of my threads which I am thinking very deeply about.
scooby-philly Posted April 11, 2020 Posted April 11, 2020 Thanks my friend @lonelyplanetmoon @DJMarky - I can someone relate to your situation. Had other breakups before, even with an ex fiancee years ago, but my last one 7.5 months ago wrecked me for a long time. I don't know enough about your or the story behind this particular relationship you had. BUT...I can say that in my own experience and what I've seen friends, family, co-workers I've been close with, and folks I've met on here - a lot of people end up getting hurt severely by just one person. It depends on so many factors as to why it happens, but it can. To moonie's point - emotional honesty - both with yourself and from a significant other is one of the keys to a relationship and to life. And to be honest, bouncing from one relationship to another, partying constantly as a means to block out the pain of a breakup or life, or both, - none of that fixes the core problem, which lies inside of us. You may have grieved the loss years ago, but if you did not go THROUGH the darkness and end up addressing the underlying, root problem that not only caused you to behave the way you did in that relationship, before and after, if you haven't found the bottom of the well and understand what primary drivers steer your life (or as I like to us - what issues does your inner child have or what things do they hold onto) - you can end up not really getting over someone (and/or repeating the same pattern(s) over and over again) until you do. 3
Realitysux Posted April 11, 2020 Posted April 11, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, DJMarky said: I am doing OK. I still think about her a lot, more than any of my other exes even though we have not been in contact for SO long and I wouldn't even know how to contact her if I wanted to. As I said I have been in other relationships since her and been intimate with a lot of women, partied hard and tried to get her out of my system but nothing seems to work. I think I just have to accept this was the first girl that broke my heart, really shattered me, and no other relationship hurt me so much. In fact, the last few I have had I haven't really cared. No idea why this girl really got to me but after 10 years she is still who I think about. I am in Europe now, a long way way from home and have to focus on being happy here. Been very nostalgic recently, maybe cause I am getting 'old' and am looking back on my youth a lot. Always wondering what I should have done differently (not just with that relationship but life in general). Life is complex. I'm in the same boat in the sense I have to try to be happy where I am too! Edited April 11, 2020 by Realitysux
preraph Posted April 11, 2020 Posted April 11, 2020 I fall fast too, but honestly, four months, if you had known her longer, you probably would have lost some of the idealistic love for her. At four months, people are often still on their best behavior. Anyway, sorry you still pine for her. Hope you meet just the right person to make her seem irrelevant one day. And yes, that can happen.
Author DJMarky Posted April 22, 2020 Author Posted April 22, 2020 Thanks for all the comments. I know it is absurd that this 4 month relationship would affect me so badly. We initially met like 15 years ago when I was about 18 and was able to go out drinking, we hooked up, became friends on Facebook and then nothing ever eventuated, but after a while (a few years) she started sending me flirty messages on Facebook even though she was in a long-term relationship. That is when we started hooking up (yep, I was the a**h*** and karma got me bad) and I got emotionally involved. She would come to mine (well my parents at that time), we would have sex then she would go pick up her boyfriend. Real classy. Parents hated her cause she dressed like a hooker. Not wife material, right? Well f*** me she stole my heart and since then as I said earlier I have been in relationships, had so many flings but nothing, just nothing. One of the relationships after her was nearly 2 years long and I remember the girl I was dating at the time crying on my kitchen floor in the middle of the night with a roll of paper towel wiping her tears away because earlier that day I said I didn't love her. I felt nothing then. I felt bad for her but not the heart break. I was emotionless. That pretty much describes me and what my friends would say. I start seeing a girl and my mates and their girlfriends will be like wow she's cool then next second I end it out of just not caring enough. So, maybe she made me bitter and ill just become an old bastard who never gets married and never falls in love again. What is even love? How the f*** can 4 months destroy me? As said before maybe it's the pining or whatever it is, maybe it is superficial and I am just f***ed. I remember one time when we did bump into each other after the messy break up at a gig and I acted polite to her and her boyfriend (the bastard who was sleeping with her while we were dating) and she was wasted and we started talking (without him being around) she said she could never stop thinking about me and she thought about me every day. Oh well, life is weird and f***ed. I am kind of dating a girl now over here in Europe I met a couple months ago and she already said one night that she was falling for me and I was thinking yikes (yep, she has been coming over during quarantine). Oh well, maybe I am just insane. Peace.
Realitysux Posted April 22, 2020 Posted April 22, 2020 I'm in the same situation. It was short term, we weren't even dating, and it was 7 years ago. He came back and teased me a little bit all the while telling me to move on. It's still fresh but it doesn't feel to good. I am hoping I do get over this.
Author DJMarky Posted April 22, 2020 Author Posted April 22, 2020 I have had 7 long-term relationships and I still think about this one specific girl. f*** me.
scooby-philly Posted April 23, 2020 Posted April 23, 2020 OP - I don't mean this in a judgmental way. But if you really want to get over this person from years ago and you really want a long-term, lasting relationship then I would suggest some intensive, ongoing therapy. From what you shared there's a ton to unpack and anyone on this forum who would even try to begin to unpack that with you on here would be lying if they said they could help you and would be foolish to try. 1
Silver_star Posted April 30, 2020 Posted April 30, 2020 I agree with @scooby-philly on the therapy. That is the only way you can help yourself to move past this. It's not about moving on from her, its about moving past your idea of her and your idea of what relationships or love means and if you don't get to the root of that, you won't find love again because you will keep dismissing it even if a girl is heads over heels for you and you have feelings for her. I think you are idealizing this past early romantic relationship past because it hurt you deeply.. and thinking back to it and thinking "wow I was so crazy about her and in love, and she rejected me" helps you to avoid love and intimacy in the future as a means of protection from getting hurt again like you did before. Rationally you understand that this girl you dated was not perfect. I mean you even said yourself..she cheated on her boyfriend with you and you were sneaking around with her, she not "wife material", so you likely enjoyed the sex and the way the sex and her desire for your attention made you feel, but I don't think you loved her. That is not what love is. I think when she hurt you, your ego was hurt and your attachment style was cemented, because you now had a romantic reference point to someone who you liked who disappointed/rejected you. I could not be able to diagnose, but because this sounds so similar to the story of my ex who could not commit and open up to me...I'd say that you may have a dismissive avoidant attachment style, and if that is the case you would behave the way you are behaving, and be non committal to new relationships, citing one past relationship heartbreak as the reason, and look at the "one that got away" . Therapy is not anything to be embarrassed or ashamed about and it could open you up to the love that you actually deserve to have in your life. 1
Author DJMarky Posted May 10, 2020 Author Posted May 10, 2020 Wow, thanks Silver_star, that really sums up this whole situation. I can't get her out of my head for whatever reason but you are right. Every other relationship since I have never been 100% engaged and, seriously, not one relationship or fling (where the girl wanted to date me) made me upset/cry. I cried so hard over this girl and since then I have been emotionless. I mean right now the girl I am 'seeing' here in Spain said when she is with me she feels I am detached and not really that interested, which to be fair, is true. I am emotionless when it comes to relationships now. I have been ruined. Had my heart hurt so badly I couldnt sleep/eat/stop thinking about her with the other guy. Now life has changed so much for me since then you would think this would have gone away by now. At least I am not alone and maybe if I meet the right girl things will change - or perhaps this will prevent me from ever meeting the right girl .. Life sucks. 2
Realitysux Posted May 10, 2020 Posted May 10, 2020 Everyone has one person they struggled to let go. I had one and everyone I have known has had one. If you want this women so bad then approach her and tell her, if not then move on. I was fortunate enough in my situation to have been told to move on so many times that I did. Maybe she needs to tell you to move on. Think about it, she's taking up so much space in your head. What do you have to loose. Take the steps to free that space up. You maybe in Spain but if she's that important to you, if being with her means so much to you, then you two can figure it out.
Realitysux Posted May 10, 2020 Posted May 10, 2020 I'd love to hear one good romance story on this site. There has to be one!
Author DJMarky Posted May 10, 2020 Author Posted May 10, 2020 (edited) 24 minutes ago, Realitysux said: I'd love to hear one good romance story on this site. There has to be one! My parents met in Med school around the late 60s early 70s and have been together since. There ya go. Edited May 10, 2020 by DJMarky
Author DJMarky Posted May 10, 2020 Author Posted May 10, 2020 26 minutes ago, Realitysux said: Everyone has one person they struggled to let go. I had one and everyone I have known has had one. If you want this women so bad then approach her and tell her, if not then move on. I was fortunate enough in my situation to have been told to move on so many times that I did. Maybe she needs to tell you to move on. Think about it, she's taking up so much space in your head. What do you have to loose. Take the steps to free that space up. You maybe in Spain but if she's that important to you, if being with her means so much to you, then you two can figure it out. I haven't spoken to her in forever. Definitely not breaking that for her to tell me to 'f*** off'. Who knows where she is all I know through the grapevine is she is still with the dude she cheated on me with (she also cheated on him but they got back together) and now they are getting married or are already married. f*** her. I am not contacting her. I just need to get over her, somehow. It's all me. 1
Realitysux Posted May 10, 2020 Posted May 10, 2020 I don't understand this at all. You love her but you can't contact her to tell her. If she tells you to f off then you can probably move on quicker. Are you sure you can't find someone in Spain? 1
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