somywatchends Posted March 26, 2020 Posted March 26, 2020 So Ive been dating this woman for 3 months now. We have shared similar past hurts in relationships and in childhood. We are both going to therapy(our own individually) so I know there is work taking place on both ends. We connect on so many levels, have a great time together, have the best sex ever and can really be ourselves around one another. She has a bit of a busy schedule but has always made time even if sometimes its to come over to spend an hour our to together then stay the night. So between Saturday to Monday we were supposed to do something each day. I would get little communication then be told she ended up doing things with her kids. She brought her daughter from college with all the scare and of course was completely understanding of it. Then Monday comes around, she was going to come over at 3 and again started to drag her feet. I finally asked if she wanted to do something with me because at this point it had not been communicated to me what was going on. She became very emotional and said she wants to see me and that's not what she's struggling with. She is struggling with trying to be there for her children(both adults I should add) She said she was struggling to feel like she has the bandwidth for a relationship and I told her I understand the concerns but we have been able to make time before and once this is done life will be normal. She also said something to the effect like"just as I get this amazing man" about her fears kicking in. I also mentioned if something is important we make time for it. She was in an emotionally abusive marriage and had a few people she dated and a relationship she was hurt in after her divorce. Anyway we did not break up and I saw her Tuesday morning, the time we spent together was great, we talked about things and she admitted that she thinks shes been constantly running and keeping herself busy to run from love and as things become more serious she has been getting a lot more scared. I assured her that I wasn't going anywhere and would never hurt her. So of course this "shelling up" has now scared me as well though I have not told her that. I've been hurt plenty myself and even shared sometimes I was hurt to show I have reason to be scared too. Anyway with the virus things are kind of weird, I really do believe that she wants the relationship So I think I am a lot further along on my healing path then her and don't believe she is broken but obviously has some work to do. I've done some reinforcing of my feelings for her in our communications but feel like I should now pull back a little myself. How do I handle a situation like this? back off in my own communication and see if she "comes" this has happened a few times on a lesser extent. Were not broken up and she is stressed about her jobs because of the virus I remind her I'm here to support her and it will get better once this is done. how does one handle this, my gut is just back of and give her space and reassure her when I can. I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to communicate while keeping in check my desire to probably in some cases over assure her. Thank You all!
preraph Posted March 26, 2020 Posted March 26, 2020 I don't know. Since her talking about bandwidth and having the daughter around, I see this more of her just preferring to spend time with her daughter or daughters. I've seen it a million times with my own friends. See, they often want to be "available" in case one of their kids decides they want to be around or do something with them, because with grown kids, that usually doesn't happen much and moms can be pretty desperate for that. I know my friend will cancel anything with anyone if her daughter deigns to drop by or anything. Maybe three days in a row was just too much for her. I would brace myself for being cancelled on in favor of daughter time or even the possibility of it. But if I'm wrong, I sure hope she gets over it if it's what you think it is. I've just never met anyone with that particular problem. I've only met women and men who either didn't care enough to keep moving the relationship forward or had their priorities as described above. So that would be pretty unusual. She may be "afraid" she can't keep a commitment because of her daughters and other responsibilities.
chillii Posted March 26, 2020 Posted March 26, 2020 (edited) There's so much going on right now it's all so bizarre and scary for many. She was already busy you say, but now there's all this and everything is changing to degrees we've never even lived before and she's even worried about her job , the daughters back , she does have a helluva a lot on her plate with it all and then there's her fears . Sounds like you guys and you are very special to her the way she's talked and called you this amazing man and all too , but she's torn every which way right now. So yeah there's the way preraph described some women can be on one hand and then her fears too but on the other these are all very very strange times too and when it comes to someone you've only known a few mths that could also fizzle out a few weeks later , or your own kids and family that are there for life and blood,well, it can be very very tough . So l dunno , you'll probably have to come sort of second for awhile yet , but if your feelings are strong enough and you see big things in this , l'd hang in there , try and be patient , give it time , see how it goes. Edited March 26, 2020 by chillii 1
SumGuy Posted March 26, 2020 Posted March 26, 2020 2 hours ago, somywatchends said: So Ive been dating this woman for 3 months now. We have shared similar past hurts in relationships and in childhood. We are both going to therapy(our own individually) so I know there is work taking place on both ends. We connect on so many levels, have a great time together, have the best sex ever and can really be ourselves around one another...... how does one handle this, my gut is just back of and give her space and reassure her when I can. I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to communicate while keeping in check my desire to probably in some cases over assure her. You need to slow your roll in what you are asking of her, it is only 3 months! Enjoy getting to know each other. You can be there to help her get through her kid thing...if nothing else bring her groceries or food to help free up her time, be there to just listen to her kid woes. If you are really, really serious, bring her toilet paper. It sounds to me that her way of dealing with the past is a bit of an avoidant attachment style, and yours a bit of the anxious style. Unfortunately, life doesn't pause at the right time for us to have a relationship, you kind of need to accept it when it happens. (that is advice for the avoidant ) My advice for the anxious is a bit more poetic...you can't hurry love, you just have to wait, love don't come easy, it's a game of give and take...
Author somywatchends Posted March 26, 2020 Author Posted March 26, 2020 Thank you all. I totally get the kid thing and have no problem with that at all. For clarification we didnt have plans 3 days in a row. We had a plan it changed, we moved it to the next day it changed, the day after it changed. I've shown her support and brought groceries and toilet paper to her already believe it or not...haha I know in my gut the best thing to do is sit back and let it play out. Outside of the craziness and the kid thing she has noticed that shes been running and keeping herself busy to not have to deal with her fears and the "time out of sorts" has given her time to realize that. I just assure her I'm going nowhere when this is done and am here in the meantime. Sumguy you nailed my attachment type. I've recently realized it and don't act on it but i sure do have the "reflexes" from it that I need to fight all the time. I'm going to guess you are right that her's is avoidance. She admitted as much as that her feelings grow for me it gets a whole lot scarier for her and shells up some. She is also in Therapy and all the craziness im just just magnifies anxiety for us both. As much as I sounded basket casey and am in my mind I have held it pretty well externally in what I tell her. My anxious attachment style I guess is here just to look for reassurance and how to handle things in the time being. Thanks all so far for the awesome advice.
Author somywatchends Posted March 27, 2020 Author Posted March 27, 2020 Thanks to some feedback from my last thread I do believe I am dealing with an avoidant attachment type. I am anxious but getting better and we are both active in separate therapy. We are not broken up, she has expressed to me that as things get closer she shells up and is more scared. It has been a good healthy relationship and I acknowledge the pandemic has made it even screwier. How do I show her that I care and am not out to hurt her, giver space but not too much space that she things I'm abandoning her all while curbing my anxious attachment style reflexes which I have been pretty good about so far
smackie9 Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 You will have to ask her, and what her expectations would be.
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