Jamie Lynn Posted March 25, 2020 Posted March 25, 2020 I have been dating a guy I met online for almost 3 months now and I don’t know what we are. Everything is great. We go out on dates, he invites me over to his house and cooks dinner, we talk every day, and we’ve had a few sleepovers. I have even already met some of his friends. We have great chemistry and I see ourselves growing closer together. The topic of being “boyfriend/girlfriend” or whether we are exclusive has not come up. I’m wondering if I should let him take the lead or if I should? How long should I wait for him to bring it up? Or how important is it for it to even be talked about? We have had sex and I don’t want to continue if this isn’t going anywhere. I don’t want to sound annoying about asking about labels, I just want to know where we are and where this is going somewhere. This is my first time dating a guy older than me (8 years) so I’m having trouble handling things differently.
basil67 Posted March 26, 2020 Posted March 26, 2020 What this tells me is that after three months together, the two of you don't truly know each other. What has happened that neither of you is interested in each other's lives sufficiently to ask about what each other is looking for or what their life entails when you're not seeing each other? Why do you think that asking about such things (learning more about each other) would be perceived as being annoying? And if someone did find it annoying, then you get a message straight up that they aren't worth your time. If you want a future together, don't ever be afraid to learn more about him. 2 1
miss2017 Posted March 26, 2020 Posted March 26, 2020 7 hours ago, Jamie Lynn said: I have been dating a guy I met online for almost 3 months now and I don’t know what we are. Everything is great. We go out on dates, he invites me over to his house and cooks dinner, we talk every day, and we’ve had a few sleepovers. I have even already met some of his friends. We have great chemistry and I see ourselves growing closer together. The topic of being “boyfriend/girlfriend” or whether we are exclusive has not come up. I’m wondering if I should let him take the lead or if I should? How long should I wait for him to bring it up? Or how important is it for it to even be talked about? We have had sex and I don’t want to continue if this isn’t going anywhere. I don’t want to sound annoying about asking about labels, I just want to know where we are and where this is going somewhere. This is my first time dating a guy older than me (8 years) so I’m having trouble handling things differently. Why would you want a future with someone you are afraid to talk openly? To me labels are important and yes to you it seems they are too, so you should have that conversation sooner than later and know where you stand. I’m sorry but if you are being intimate in bed with him already you also need to be intimate outside the bed too. 2
Legatus Posted March 26, 2020 Posted March 26, 2020 I think the problem here, although not a big one, is that you might have different approaches to those labels. To you each significant event gets you closer to a certain label but unfortunately not everybody works like that. Sometimes it's good to have a label rather than none and sometimes it's best to avoid them altogether. It looks like they are fairly important to you and therefore you should be able to openly talk to the other person about that. I was dating this girl and we met with some of my friends, they kept asking us whether we are together (that was after we had already slept together as well etc.) and we just said "we're not at that stage yet" but I would also never refer to us as "friends", because to me it means something different. When things went a bit sideways and she pulled away without telling me, we had an argument and she said "of course we can only be friends now since you're leaving the country". Friends? Seriously? I've been away for 2 months but a month ago I went there with different mindset. We had fun, danced a lot, kissed a lot but suddenly I didn't need to put a label on it. After that time I realised the label "friends" was the closest what we could use, especially in English language. Before meeting her I had a bit of speech prepared how I didn't like that she made us friends without even telling me but simply by pulling away. I didn't get to say that and I'm glad. I let it be as it is. It all depends on how important those labels are to you. Also what do they give you? Security? Lack of confusion? Or is it just easier to respond to people when they're asking you about the two of you? Either way you could still talk to the guy. Don't ask him whether you're girlfriend/boyfriend but perhaps say that you know labels aren't everything but you have a problem when describing your dynamics and want to know what he thinks...
basil67 Posted March 26, 2020 Posted March 26, 2020 I'd pare it back even further and start by confirming monogamy. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 26, 2020 Posted March 26, 2020 2 hours ago, basil67 said: I'd pare it back even further and start by confirming monogamy. Yeah, start with "are we exclusive, monogamous?" Labels are important. It openly acknowledges beyond just actions, a verbal contract between the two of you. For a lot of people it matters what you two call one-another and it should. Whether the other person believes in them or not is not the point. Labels make the perceived status of your relationship a little less ambiguous and people who tend to resist, know this. Like others, you should feel free to ask. If he really likes you, he should have no trouble giving your relationship a label. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted March 26, 2020 Posted March 26, 2020 The issue is not "labels." Try telling someone who is married that the only thing they've done is "label" their relationship. Try telling that woman who just recently got proposed to ... that the guy getting on his knee and asking her to marry him ... well ... tell that woman that this guy was merely tinkering with "labels." Or tell your supervisor at work, that you don't really have to follow their directions because ... well ... manager and worker ... well .. those are just labels ... not really important. The entire point of a good relationship is that you don't have to run around and ask questions like this because the relationship helps us feel safe. Two people who want to be in relationship don't avoid talking about their intentions and desires and level of commitment to each other. If he was into you, he would have had this conversation voluntarily ... because he wouldn't want YOU to have a loophole of sleeping with other people. You have to assume he feels it's OK to sleep with other people--because he hasn't told you he wouldn't sleep with other people and you haven't insisted on him committing to sleep only with you. In the future, have this conversation early and up front. Some people have the talk before sex ... or right after first sex. Having it right after sex ... like before the person leaves ... or when you see them again ... that's a great time. I'm assuming you want a relationship (committed) with him. So, you lock down the nature of your relationship and your intentions before things go any further. "If we're going to have sex, I need to hear that we are in an exclusive relationship." Waiting three months is way too long. 1
Blind-Sided Posted March 26, 2020 Posted March 26, 2020 (edited) I agree. I've been seeing a girl as a friend for a few months... but just recently... things felt right, and I told her that she didn't need to worry about me talking with other girls, if that's what she wanted. the words "Love"... or BF/GF didn't enter into it... but I wanted her to know how I felt. And anyone who actually wants a relationship with someone should feel that way, because you can't focus on someone, if there are others in the background. So... without a doubt, just talk about it, and find out. If you want a traditional relationship... and he doesn't... then (unfortunately) move on. Even if he doesn't want to talk about it... or beats around the bush... then he's not the guy for you. 3 Months is plenty of time. Edited March 26, 2020 by Blind-Sided 1
Allupinnit Posted March 26, 2020 Posted March 26, 2020 A guy who is really into you after three months of dating will want to be your boyfriend, full stop.
greymatter Posted March 28, 2020 Posted March 28, 2020 My partner asked me to be his GF on the sixth date, which was before we even slept together (though we planned in advance for him to stay over for the first time that same night). It should be something that either of you can bring up, and since it's on your mind, you should absolutely talk about it with him. Don't wait. I totally agree with the other posters who said you better find out if you two are monogamous. I'm surprised you've only had a few sleepovers in 3 months. My BF and I had a ton of them by that point in our relationship. Why have you had so few? How often do you see each other? Are you having protected sex?
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