I know this is a weird and scary time but don't want to mess it up with my boyfriend.

[lovebombornot]

I'm just getting over a bad cold and for all practical purposes, I'm ok except for a lingering and occasional cough.  I'm also working mostly from home and not going anywhere for the most part (maybe once to a small food store 2 times per week).  My adult kids are concerned about me, of course since I'm over 60 and a single parent.

My boyfriend of almost a year typically drives to see me on weekends and he is now out of work for a few weeks, so he's alone and lonely (like me).

He downplays the social distancing and when I mention perhaps we shouldn't see each other for this weekend and possibly, next, he doesn't seem to get it.  I feel really uncomfortable about it and of course, I much prefer to see him as opposed to seeing him and even though neither of us have underlying conditions, I still feel that it is not prudent if we see each other.

Am I being too paranoid and if not, how can I get him to understand? He's seem absolutely desperate to see me.

[smackie9]

All you can do is facetime and tbh I think that should be adequate. People do need to take this seriously and STAY THE F' Home!

It is what it is. If he actually cared, he would suck it up like the rest of us.

Edited March 25, 2020 by smackie9

[elaine567]

Advice is to stay separately in your own homes and communicate remotely. or for one of you to move into the home of the other permanently so that you both in the same home.
This driving to see you and then going home again is not an option
 

Quote

Couples who do not live together should either stay apart during the coronavirus lockdown or “test the strength of their relationship” by moving in with each other, deputy chief medical officer Jenny Harries has said.

 

[Gaeta]

He's a grown man he'll survive. Your home your rules. I would not let him come over knowing that he downplays the situation so probably  not distancing himself from people and not going out except for extreme necessities. 

[ExpatInItaly]

As you can guess from my username, I live in Italy. I am sure you have seen in the news just how bad things have become here. 

You are not being paranoid. People don't seem to understand just how rapidly this can spiral out of control until it's already too late. What does that mean? It means that even those who are not terribly sick but still require medical care might not be able to receive it if too many people become sick at the same time. Hospitals fill up fast, draining resources and exhausting supplies. People can become sicker without that proper care, putting the recovery of even otherwise healthy folks at risk. It means people who badly need medical help might not receive it in time. That is the current situation here. And now we have no choice but to stay in our homes. And yes, this means we absolutely cannot leave to go and see our partners, friends, or other loved ones right now. It's actually illegal until the quarantine is lifted here.  Everyone who is currently healthy needs to listen and see what is happening in other parts of the world, and do everything they possibly can to avoid the disaster we're currently experiencing. 

Your boyfriend is very careless to ignore or minimize the risk, particularly if you are not currently feeling well yourself. He might not be so lucky to stay healthy, and he could easily pass on an infection to others who can't fight it off, either. Put your foot down, OP. Say no, but do what the rest of the responsible world is doing and rely on technology to stay in touch. 

[schlumpy]

Although you are not over 65 I still see some danger here.

If your boyfriend wants to come and spend the next two or three weeks with you then OK, but not back and forth where he can interact with others and then pass it on to you. Doesn't he have a sense that he's putting you at risk?

[Malin889]

You are not being paranoid, you are being cautious. Ask him if you can FaceTime or video chat. If he’s really worth it, he’ll wait.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, a relationship is only real and solid to the extent that you can speak your mind about safety.

If you don't feel safe meeting him in person, then you have to follow that. Don't worry about what he thinks. This is about you. There is nothing that poisons relationships more than ignoring our basic survival sense. You won't feel comfortable seeing him in person. You'll build up resentment if you do go against yourself and see him.

And ... if you can't express this sense with him, without him ridiculing you, then your relationship ain't no good in the first place, and you might as well face that now.

I know: sounds tough, but do NOT violate your own sense of safety. Don't even negotiate this. I'm really not comfortable seeing you in person. I'm scared. No, I would love to face time or talk online ... but no, I don't feel good about seeing you in person. But let's talk on the phone and online.

Good luck!

[FMW]

If honoring your feelings about the situation would "mess it up" with him, then I think you're better off without him.  Lots of us are separated right now from people we really want to see.  But if the relationship can't stand the temporary physical separation, there wasn't much there to begin with.

[lovebombornot]

Our Governor just issued a stay at home order starting for tonight. I did tell him last night that he can visit for a limited time but called him once the order was issued and he said he's still on his way to see me.  I'm pissed and want to tell him to turn around when he gets here. Is that right?

[schlumpy]

Would he come to see you in a Blizzard?

[Gr8fuln2020]

You and your bf are 'closer' to the most vulnerable age group. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. EVERYONE is susceptible to the virus and no single age group has not seen a fatality (depending on how you break it down). Risking yourself to exposure is enough to be worried about. Despite statistics, YOU are still at risk of major complications or worse. You are already immuno-compromised with whatever you have now. Make him understand and do not cave on this.

[lovebombornot]

ok, I messed up.  He ended up coming to see me and basically moved in for a week! I'm trying to get work done but it is a little challenging since he has nothing to do and I hear him in the house.  He is trying to help out by getting food, cooking and fixing stuff but I want to ask him nicely to leave so I can have some alone time to complete my work and not be exposed to him (even though he has been very careful over the last few weeks and appears to be in good health).

any ideas?

[Malin889]

14 minutes ago, lovebombornot said:

ok, I messed up.  He ended up coming to see me and basically moved in for a week! I'm trying to get work done but it is a little challenging since he has nothing to do and I hear him in the house.  He is trying to help out by getting food, cooking and fixing stuff but I want to ask him nicely to leave so I can have some alone time to complete my work and not be exposed to him (even though he has been very careful over the last few weeks and appears to be in good health).

any ideas?

He doesn’t work? Is ever planning on leaving? How many Change of clothes did he bring? Maybe say something like how long are you planning on staying? And then if he gets offended say you’ll miss me so much if we separate for a few days or something like that. 

[lovebombornot]

I was just going to say the truth - it's too hard with him having nothing to do here when I'm so busy with work and I know he can get some things done at his own home 

[preraph]

Just tell him.  Say it's too distracting.  You can't not communicate important things to someone if you ever want to make it work.

[Malin889]

23 minutes ago, lovebombornot said:

I was just going to say the truth - it's too hard with him having nothing to do here when I'm so busy with work and I know he can get some things done at his own home 

That sounds perfect. And if he gets hurt or offended or anything then just let him go. And say you’ll see him again soon.

[lovebombornot]

So we got into our first conflict (no yelling) over the weekend before I was going to ask him to leave.  I suppose my nonverbal behavior over the last few days made him feel neglected and like I didn't want him here.  I didn't see it but not surprised.  We fell asleep and he kept his distance from me. When we woke up I told him the following:  I care for him a great deal and think it's a miracle we found each other; I want to be with him and only him; we are both going through a lot of worry and anxiety right not b/c of the virus and I worry about him as well but feel our relationship will make it through; but him staying here all week was a distraction to my work and I warned him before he came down that I was concerned that would happen; I was sorry if I made him feel left out; I am not myself but will try harder to be more inclusive when I can but he has to understand the circumstances.

as further background before I told him how I felt he said that we were going all day the prior day and I couldn't even sit for more than 10 min to watch TV with him that night but I told him I'd rather watch in bed so I ended up sitting with him for a while but we didn't talk.   He made me dinner every night and I offered to help but he said I didn't even keep him company to do that.

I explained I"m an independent person and didn't mean to make him feel bad. He said he understood my position. I told him I needed some time on my own to complete my work and rest since he wasn't planning on leaving until the next AM.  He said yeah I have a few things to do and I'll leave each Sunday afternoon rather than Monday mornings until (he) gets back to work again in a few weeks. I said that works.

But....he hung around until after 3 pm and he wasn't particularly nice to me. I would say he was "short" and not particularly patient. He feels I keep on moving around and can't sit still - I told him maybe there's some truth to that since there's a lot to do and I realize he helped this week but generally he has nothing to do here.

He was much nicer after he got back to his place (100 miles away) and kept on sending me hearts and stuff.

He also told me he is insecure about relationships because he's been taken advantage of before (2 divorces) and I told him he can rely on me and I'm not playing with him - life is too short!

How do I further reassure him w/o him getting upset again?

 

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, lovebombornot said:

But....he hung around until after 3 pm and he wasn't particularly nice to me. I would say he was "short" and not particularly patient. He feels I keep on moving around and can't sit still - I told him maybe there's some truth to that since there's a lot to do and I realize he helped this week but generally he has nothing to do here.

How do I further reassure him w/o him getting upset again?

Passive aggressive man who makes you pay for not giving him the attention he wants. 

It's not your job to play into his games to make him feel better. If you had played by his rules you would have accomplished nothing that needed to be done. 

When a woman feels she needs to reassure a man to avoid him being upset it's a huge indicator she is in a relationship with a manipulator. 

If he's divorced twice I imagine he's a man of a respectable age, you spoke about having adult children yourself. Is this really the type of man you want to deal with at this point in your life?

 

 

[Fletch Lives]

I have a feeling there are going to be an awful lot of breakups in the coming months.

[Trail Blazer]

On 4/7/2020 at 2:46 AM, Fletch Lives said:

I have a feeling there are going to be an awful lot of breakups in the coming months.

Absolutely.  COVID-19 won't just be a widow maker (mortality rate almost double for men compared to women) but also a relationship breaker.

[Haerts]

On 4/7/2020 at 3:16 AM, Fletch Lives said:

I have a feeling there are going to be an awful lot of breakups in the coming months.

That's what I was thinking as well. It's changing the dynamics of the relationships for a while and I think lots of couples are not really ready for that.

@lovebombornot I can understand both sides of the situation. He's living alone and has nothing to do, that's the reason why he's so desperate to be around you - and I don't blame him for that. But he has to understand that you have your own things to work on and going outside is risky for both of you. If having him around is distracting you, then as hard as it is to talk to him about it, that would be the best way. It will be great if he can understand it, but if he can't, there's nothing you can do - but maybe after some time he will start understanding it.

[preraph]

Look, don't feel bad.  I can't even work when someone is here cleaning or fixing something, much less a friend or lover.  You feel you need to attend them.  They would have to be very self-sufficient and engrossed in something for me to overcome that.