Boyfriend bought a house and wants me to pay 'rent'

March 25, 2020

20 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Poppy, just a heads up that all advice regarding money when separating as defacto isn't necessarily true in all states and countries. Please view it as something to consider rather than as being fact for where you are.

Also, for what it's worth, my partner and I are nearly 30 years defacto with two kids and a mortgage. For those who say that marriage is important as part of commitment, I respond that we've outlasted many marriages I've seen. I stay at home caring for our disabled child and partner supports our family. All of our money is mixed and has been since early on. Not saying that you should necessarily do as I do, but that rules are made to be broken (with caution)

Such a valid point. It was starting to dawn on that this might be the case. Thanks for confirming it.

Thank you for sharing your story, really appreciate the wisdom and insight from somebody with more life experience. That goes for others who’ve commented too- given me a lot to think about.

March 25, 2020

3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

His mentality is ass backwards. He's basically saying only his concerns matter. It's SMART to plan out your financial future, starting from a young age. No self-respecting woman will go along with his selfish plan.

I agree with your idea to move out and stay with your parents or a roommate so you can save up for your own down payment and start building your own financial foundation. That's exactly what I would do.

Thank you for seeing where I’m coming from and sharing your view. Appreciate hearing somebody else’s opinion.

March 25, 2020

3 hours ago, preraph said:

Even if you had your name on the mortgage and then that situation happened where you tried to leave and get half the house, you would still not get half the house unless you could prove you had been paying for half the house! You would need a clear paper trail , receipts, that you put the same $$ into the home as he did in order to get half -- unless you are married -- again, why you shouldn't mix money if you're not married!!

And it doesn't sound like you can afford to pay for half of that house, if $300 is too much for you. So get real here. You want things to be a way they can't be that make any financial sense for him because homes cost more than you're willing to invest or can afford to, not sure which. If you lived with parents before, did you take that opportunity to put your money into a savings account?

I’m not after his house.. I’m asking we get a more solid, equal contract in the future. How did you come to the conclusion I can’t afford it? I make £1400 a month so pay rent, bills and put money into an ISA. I have lived on my own at University most of my adult life so couldn’t save. So it’s that I’m not willing to invest long term under the current arrangement.

March 25, 2020

Because you're acting like $300 is beyond your means and you are acting too stingy to chip in even that much! I can't believe you think the only fair thing is that you get a free ride! Again, it's simple. He bought a house. This is what rent he will charge you if you want to live with him. But you do not have to live with him. To me, this IS your best opportunity to save money since it's so cheap, but if you can stand to keep living with your parents, that's another good way.

A "more equal contract," as you say would mean you paid fair market price for the rent, which would be a lot higher. I assume he already knew you would not be up for that, plus he'd be silly to put you on his mortgage since you are not married. I'm not saying you have to get married, by any means, but don't expect anyone to just cut you in half on something for free or for less than paying your half. I have an idea he already knows how you are about money and decided he can't go that route with you, so he didn't even try. You're extreme about it, and he has to know that and just decided it wouldn't work, and he's right.

March 25, 2020

Just out of interest, will he be declaring the income he earns from your rent payments and paying tax on it? I'd ask him that just for the fun of putting the wind up him.

March 25, 2020

He's looking after his assets as a business person, not as a partner.

It's not because he doesn't care for you, though; he's just doing what he knows, and you are both still young and inexperienced as far relationships. His parents are still married to each other, so it doesn't look like he's seeing it as a 'make or break' thing: rather, he's compartmentalising (imo) and reproducing his parents' model.

Is he meeting you half-way, or acknowledging any of your concerns, or making you feel like a committed partner in any other way?

Edited March 25, 2020 by littleblackheart

March 26, 2020

What he's doing is not particularly unreasonable. He could probably get more money out of an actual roommate if he wanted one, correct? So, he IS subsidizing you just not as much as you'd like.

You will be throwing away more on rent that you are right now if you don't stay, correct (unless you do the parents' thing)? So from that perspective it makes sense to stay.

OTOH, you might be able to find a man willing to simply let him live with you rent free. Some significant percent of men who own a house would probably do this EVENTUALLY if they wanted the relationship to go longer term. So you could leave him, IF that's what you want. In a way he's being "cheap" for a guy, but it's certainly his right and not an unreasonable request.

Dunno. Is this about love or money for you? I have no specific advice, IMO there is no "right" decision, only choices.

March 26, 2020

9 hours ago, preraph said:

Because you're acting like $300 is beyond your means and you are acting too stingy to chip in even that much! I can't believe you think the only fair thing is that you get a free ride! Again, it's simple. He bought a house. This is what rent he will charge you if you want to live with him. But you do not have to live with him. To me, this IS your best opportunity to save money since it's so cheap, but if you can stand to keep living with your parents, that's another good way.

A "more equal contract," as you say would mean you paid fair market price for the rent, which would be a lot higher. I assume he already knew you would not be up for that, plus he'd be silly to put you on his mortgage since you are not married. I'm not saying you have to get married, by any means, but don't expect anyone to just cut you in half on something for free or for less than paying your half. I have an idea he already knows how you are about money and decided he can't go that route with you, so he didn't even try. You're extreme about it, and he has to know that and just decided it wouldn't work, and he's right.

I think you’re missing the point entirely. It’s the principle of paying the equity off on his property. I’m not expecting to not pay anything- always been happy to pay for my share of utility bills. I’d even be willing to put the rent money to one side to benefit us both in the future. So it’s not about wanting a free ride.

Obviously there’s the counter argument that it’s just rent that I’m willing to listen to as well.

Yeah I can see why you’d have that ‘idea’ with how you’ve interpreted the issue. Not the money, it’s the principle.

March 26, 2020

9 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

He's looking after his assets as a business person, not as a partner.

It's not because he doesn't care for you, though; he's just doing what he knows, and you are both still young and inexperienced as far relationships. His parents are still married to each other, so it doesn't look like he's seeing it as a 'make or break' thing: rather, he's compartmentalising (imo) and reproducing his parents' model.

Is he meeting you half-way, or acknowledging any of your concerns, or making you feel like a committed partner in any other way?

I agree.

After speaking with him he said he wouldn’t be charging me anything if he could afford not to but we could talk about reducing the rent over time when/ if he can afford it.

Talk if getting something joint in the future is a maybe to him. It’s stressful for him to think of the future and takes the fun out of everything planning things out, he says. He would be more inclined towards the idea of both getting our own properties individually and renting one out whilst I lived in his property just paying half of utility bills. I’m happy to consider this too but I’d appreciate others opinions on it?

When he asks what I mean by commitment, I’m not sure myself. I just want him to recognise my concerns that I feel more at risk that him and be working towards levelling that. I also want to be considered in future decisions and not feel as though he’s living his life and I’m just a way to fund it.

The fact that I have an off gut-feeling makes me feel he doesn’t show me commitment really. If he was consistently showing he was trying to create a future with me, the rent money wouldn’t bother me short-term. But I think the fact that I felt he went it completely alone when we originally looking today broke my trust from the start.

Its a weird one because of our age too. He was never obliged to get a property with me if he did not want to commit that way, but I want to know if that’s his future plan now I’m paying money monthly and it’s risky. But he doesn’t want to think about the future because he wants to go with the flow.. which is hurtful because I feel I’m the one taking the risk but understandable because of our age. Then I feel, should I not be looking for some kind of commitment after 3 years if we want to continue? I don’t know.

Guess it’s my call.

Edited March 26, 2020 by Poppy93

March 26, 2020

I think he wants to do his own thing and hopes you come along for the ride. If your ideal guy is a team player who wants to work together for the same goal, this guy isn't it.

March 26, 2020

34 minutes ago, Poppy93 said:

Then I feel, should I not be looking for some kind of commitment after 3 years if we want to continue? I don’t know.

Guess it’s my call.

It is tricky.

You could see it as him giving you a commitment of sorts for now by buying a property that he can't afford without you. It's normal for him to be stressed out because he's just committed himself to a huge purchase. Overall, he gives the impression that he is really concerned about not living above his means.

He wanted out of his parents asap but thought he couldn't afford the type of property you both would be happy with - is money in general a source of anxiety for him?

I totally get that you feel you have been sidelined, though. Effectively, you have been.

Not sure it's deliberate on his part, but it is definitely a sign of incompatibility.

March 26, 2020

2 hours ago, Poppy93 said:

I think you’re missing the point entirely. It’s the principle of paying the equity off on his property. I’m not expecting to not pay anything- always been happy to pay for my share of utility bills. I’d even be willing to put the rent money to one side to benefit us both in the future. So it’s not about wanting a free ride.

Obviously there’s the counter argument that it’s just rent that I’m willing to listen to as well.

Yeah I can see why you’d have that ‘idea’ with how you’ve interpreted the issue. Not the money, it’s the principle.

If the situation was reversed and you had bought a house that you wanted and he moved into it to live with you, you would not expect him to pay any rent to live there other than his share of utility bills???
If you don’t want to live with him then don’t. Go buy your own house and let your next boyfriend move in “rent free” for just his share of the utilities.

March 26, 2020

What’s the point of a hypothetical which Poppy doesn’t want? She wanted to buy something with her parter as a team, not to go it alone.

March 26, 2020

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What’s the point of a hypothetical which Poppy doesn’t want? She wanted to buy something with her parter as a team, not to go it alone.

She doesn’t even want to pay a small amount in rent to live with him. She isn’t going it alone, she lives with him after also living with his parents for a year. It doesn’t sound like she wants to be a partner in a team if she resents even having to pay a small amount in rent to live together.

March 26, 2020

On 3/24/2020 at 11:05 AM, Poppy93 said:

. He would still look through houses with me like he was still involving me, but he went to see the property with his mum and put an offer down. I didn't see the house until I moved in.

^^^This
and this.

On 3/24/2020 at 11:05 AM, Poppy93 said:

...he says he will never get a joint mortage with anybody because it's too risky and his parents have the same arrangement with their property.

He was happy including the OP when he needed her money but as soon as he procured funding elsewhere, her importance reduced to nil.
He now has a house and he has no intention of sharing that ownership with anyone. Even if they were to marry it would still be HIS house as it was purchased before the marriage.. That is why his mother couldn't leave when she wanted to, as she had no claim on the assets. Many men like that power and it sounds like the bf is one of them.
If the OP was poor, then she may have been quite happy with this arrangement, but the OP is not poor. She wants to get onto the property ladder and paying rent to her bf ad infinitum to no personal gain, is a waste of her time.
He's 26, he is in no hurry to officially settle down.
He is now king of his own castle and is in no mood to let go of that, i guess ever.

March 26, 2020

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

What’s the point of a hypothetical which Poppy doesn’t want? She wanted to buy something with her parter as a team, not to go it alone.

I think she wanted him to buy it for her.

March 26, 2020

Whether it would be his house after marriage strictly depends on where they are and the laws there. Not all places do it that way. in fact I think there's fewer who do than don't. But again that's only for if you're married.

March 26, 2020

2 hours ago, nittygritty said:

If the situation was reversed and you had bought a house that you wanted and he moved into it to live with you, you would not expect him to pay any rent to live there other than his share of utility bills???
If you don’t want to live with him then don’t. Go buy your own house and let your next boyfriend move in “rent free” for just his share of the utilities.

I wouldn’t expect him to pay off my mortgage, no. Utility bills are different. I would not even be asking something for myself that I wouldn’t be willing to give him.. how’s that fair?

If roles were reversed I would have never overstretched myself in the first place and chosen somewhere I could afford independently.

March 26, 2020

1 hour ago, nittygritty said:

She doesn’t even want to pay a small amount in rent to live with him. She isn’t going it alone, she lives with him after also living with his parents for a year. It doesn’t sound like she wants to be a partner in a team if she resents even having to pay a small amount in rent to live together.

It’s not about paying a small amount of rent short term with future goals- it’s the principle of paying this long term and putting a huge chunk of money into paying off his mortgage and having nothing to show for it.

March 26, 2020

31 minutes ago, preraph said:

I think she wanted him to buy it for her.

You seem to have made a lot of assumptions that I’m trying to take advantage of him financially?

Can you also see where it could be considered the opposite way around? Does it make sense for me to be paying off his mortgage indefinitely?

I don’t want him to buy anything for me! I want him to buy a property in the future WITH me.

March 26, 2020

20 minutes ago, Poppy93 said:

I wouldn’t expect him to pay off my mortgage, no. Utility bills are different. I would not even be asking something for myself that I wouldn’t be willing to give him.. how’s that fair?

If roles were reversed I would have never overstretched myself in the first place and chosen somewhere I could afford independently.

Did you pay his parents rent when you lived with them for a year? Or would that have violated your code of not to “pay off” their mortgage?

You should probably move out and end the relationship. Go buy your own home and pay your own mortgage since you do not want to pay anybody rent.

March 26, 2020

1 hour ago, Poppy93 said:

You seem to have made a lot of assumptions that I’m trying to take advantage of him financially?

Can you also see where it could be considered the opposite way around? Does it make sense for me to be paying off his mortgage indefinitely?

I don’t want him to buy anything for me! I want him to buy a property in the future WITH me.

Which is a crappy business decision which is why he's not doing it because he's got more business sense than you do. If you want to be a 50-50 partner with him in owning things, protect yourself and him with a marriage contract.

March 26, 2020

52 minutes ago, preraph said:

Which is a crappy business decision which is why he's not doing it because he's got more business sense than you do. If you want to be a 50-50 partner with him in owning things, protect yourself and him with a marriage contract.

I’ve mentioned it a couple of time ago of this thread that I do not want to get married.

He may have but this is a relationship.

I’m still not sure you’re seeing where I’m coming from. There’s a couple of people on here who I don’t necessarily agree with, but they definitely have valid points that it’s rent at the end of the day (same as your opinion) and it’s my decision how I want to respond to that.

But you have completely dismissed my concerns about equity and made me out to be a freeloader and princess who wants everything handing to me on a plate and is completely out of touch with real life. Try and read some of the other comments I’ve put- might give you a clearer picture of where I’m coming from.

March 26, 2020

2 hours ago, nittygritty said:

Did you pay his parents rent when you lived with them for a year? Or would that have violated your code of not to “pay off” their mortgage?

You should probably move out and end the relationship. Go buy your own home and pay your own mortgage since you do not want to pay anybody rent.

I did. No it didn’t violate my codes because it was a short term thing whilst we saved up for a house. Plus it was board for utilities which I don’t expect for free.

It’s not that I do not want to contribute- I want to contribute into something we both get something out of. Read the thread before jumping the gun and making it out to be something it’s not.

Edited March 26, 2020 by Poppy93

March 26, 2020

2 hours ago, nittygritty said:

Edited March 26, 2020 by stillafool

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