What do I need to do with her? I don't want a relationship but I lost it and she also makes me.not understand the situation

[kingeir]

Ok quick backstory. I met this girl end of November on Tinder. Wanted to meet some local girls as I am just a working lad and she was the first I ever met. She was funny, bit hyper, general chill smart and creative girl and we had common interests. That night we kissed and slept together and it was cool. We continue to meet up after to chill and sleep together and we still do. I went back home over the holidays and after 3 weeks I kinda missed her and met up with her and my mates. Fast forward 2 months later she invited me to go on a trip abroad and I was like why the heck not? we get along. Trip was cool and at the end I met her friend whom I told her that I was just seeing this chick for fun and she told her. She took it wrong and that night kissed someone else in front of me.

I was furious and must have shouted at her for 2 hrs and she was sobbing. Saying she didn't understand the dynamic, how I didn't like her and what I want - I told her I wasn't looking for anything but that I do like her otherwise I wouldn't have taken her on this trip - at the end we kinda agreed on some degree of exclusivity albeit both very drunk. So, we continue seeing each other and we have a sober chat where I tell her that I wouldn't like it if she kissed another dude but especially not my friends or in my face. So we have some fun for one month or so. She chatted about guys on Tinder and I got annoyed saying how I didn't want to hear it. I made some f*** ups after (leaving her hanging) and lying and on one instance she caught me red handed saying I was somewhere else when I wasn't and she got really really mad. I was on MDMA and beer and she just slapped me in the face and gave me s*** for lying. I felt bad and tried to suss the situation by leaving my mates and having a chat. She said how she didn't understand me - and that she definitely knows I like her more than I'm letting myself on to which I agreed and told her she was different and one of a kind and that I liked what we r having. We had great sex after and a great 'date' - I promised her to not do it again. Week later she goes out with my mates and one of them says she kissed somebody else which she declined but it did make me mad. Guess she didn't. My mate tells her that I really like her and due to that she writes me some ''like-note' which freaked me out. Didn't expect it. Told her she confuses me and that I guess she likes me more than I do and i was just there for fun. She said that I am confusing her because of my jealousy and how I write rules on her but don't want her and how she can tell that I do like her too much. She also says she doesn't like me as much as I think she does which I think is a lie but made me more confused lol. Have I been truly confusing her?

Point is. I do. I do like her. She's different and very cool but there's been so much hassle now, I haven't seen her properly the last month so I kinda forget what we were like but before I did miss her quirkyness, but still I am here for fun but I hate her kissing other guys?? Do you guys think I am fooling myself or wtf? Having a convo with her on wednesday and she says we're sexually done which I also don't believe... but.. 

Edited March 22, 2020 by kingeir

[kingeir]

No one?

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly?

Neither of you sound mature enough for a relationship at this point. I would let it go. The likelihood that you two would be able to overcome the ridiculous amount of drama you dumped on each other in such a short time is very low, anyway. There's been too much angst for anything solid to come of it anymore. 

Date around, have your fun, don't do things like take trips abroad with girls you're not serious about (yes, that sends the wrong message) and always be transparent. Later, when you've grown up a bit and are more ready for it, you could seek out something more long-lasting and committed. It's clear you're not yet in that place in your life. 

[kingeir]

I am not sure if I am able to let it go although she made clear it would be the last time (I'm seeing her next week) Everything went downhill after she had sended me the letter. It came of so so strong as if liked her less than she expressed. Is that nessecarily a bad thing? does that mean I'll never like her more and therefore quit or could it be that I am just shocked as it came so so random and now I'm afraid I can't provide her with it..

[Gr8fuln2020]

32 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Honestly?

Neither of you sound mature enough for a relationship at this point. I would let it go. The likelihood that you two would be able to overcome the ridiculous amount of drama you dumped on each other in such a short time is very low, anyway. There's been too much angst for anything solid to come of it anymore. 

Date around, have your fun, don't do things like take trips abroad with girls you're not serious about (yes, that sends the wrong message) and always be transparent. Later, when you've grown up a bit and are more ready for it, you could seek out something more long-lasting and committed. It's clear you're not yet in that place in your life. 

I thought the same. I also thought the very retelling was confusing and a whirlwind of instability.

It is also interesting that the OP admits to drinking AND using drugs. Neither are mature enough, responsible enough, nor healthy enough for a relationship right now.

Edited March 22, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[kingeir]

Yeah I tried to wrap it up as this has been going on for four 4 months, so I let out unimportant information so it may come across confusing (but the truth) about the drugs; I cme from a country where drug use is 'normal' in a recreational manner. Main question for me is is cuz I cant figure it out myself; do I sound like I like her? Why do I get jealous if I dont want her?

[Fletch Lives]

Crazy kids!

[kingeir]

For what? for not knowing what I feel? Okay

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, kingeir said:

 Main question for me is is cuz I cant figure it out myself; do I sound like I like her? Why do I get jealous if I dont want her?

Because you ego is bruised. You liked that she liked you, and probably enjoyed the attention. I don't mean that as an insult, it's normal to be flattered when someone is into you. Now that your fan is no longer part of your fan club, you feel a little insecure, perhaps. 

But no, I don't think you like her as a person all that much. You wouldn't be this confused if you did. 

[Blind-Sided]

Read your own story from the eye of an outsider... and you will see it.  Just be done, and move on. From your story... you dating someone else started the issues.

[kingeir]

4 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

Read your own story from the eye of an outsider... and you will see it.  Just be done, and move on. From your story... you dating someone else started the issues.

I didn't start to date someone else? Where did you read that

[kingeir]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because you ego is bruised. You liked that she liked you, and probably enjoyed the attention. I don't mean that as an insult, it's normal to be flattered when someone is into you. Now that your fan is no longer part of your fan club, you feel a little insecure, perhaps. 

But no, I don't think you like her as a person all that much. You wouldn't be this confused if you did. 

But the problem is, I love her as a person. She's all I could wish for in a woman - just not the right time. I want to state I got jealous when she would still be around

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, kingeir said:

Why do I get jealous if I dont want her?

Because many "men" and I generalise  do not want the woman they are sleeping with, messing around with other men.
They may only want "fun", they may want to sleep with other women, they may want to be free agents,  but she needs to be "his" and his alone.
You are "confused" as this girl won't conform.
You tell her you only want fun, you try pushing her away by lying and trying to upset her.
Instead of collapsing into a heap and begging, she kisses other guys or slaps your face.
She doesn't respond to your manipulation and you don't like it.
If you don't want her, then just leave her alone.
It is not fair to toy with emotions and shouting at anyone for 2 hours is abuse.

[kingeir]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Because many "men" and I generalise  do not want the woman they are sleeping with, messing around with other men.
They may only want "fun", they may want to sleep with other women, they may want to be free agents,  but she needs to be "his" and his alone.
You are "confused" as this girl won't conform.
You tell her you only want fun, you try pushing her away by lying and trying to upset her.
Instead of collapsing into a heap and begging, she kisses other guys or slaps your face.
She doesn't respond to your manipulation and you don't like it.
If you don't want her, then just leave her alone.
It is not fair to toy with emotions and shouting at anyone for 2 hours is abuse.

Thanks for the inside.. guess this is what I was looking for in an answer. I couldn't make it up whether I liked her and therefore got jealous or something else

 

[Mystery4u]

How old are you both? You sound very immature, and very very very selfish.

It's been 4 months and you are not yet in a relationship so it's just a FWB/fun thing. Which is fine if that's what you both want. What you can't do is also have control over who she sees or kisses. She is completely right you have been very confusing. Nothing more unattractive in a man from a females perspective than one that doesn't know what he wants. That is unstable, all over the place. You basically. Women like a man who knows what he wants, and goes for it.

You really need to grow up a bit and start making decisions about your life. If you don't want to be in a serious relationship with her then stop seeing each other and let her find a real man. If you do want to be in a relationship with her then tell her and become exclusive and stop ****ing about with her emotions. Stop thinking about just yourself.

[kingeir]

I am 23, about to turn 24 in a week or so. She's 23. Thanks for the answers, I need to sit down and just have a think about why I am jealous, I am born very stubborn and liberal when it comes to relationships so easily I'm not changing my mind - but yeah I guess jealousy may have played a confusing part. After the incident where she kissed someone while I was there as well I got angry but after that she never did something like that, I only texted her last week if she kissed somebody else (somebody said she did) is it weird that I asked her that? Thanks

[kingeir]

Update also. She now sends me some sexy pics lol just after she said she was done with me

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, kingeir said:

Update also. She now sends me some sexy pics lol just after she said she was done with me

Case in point about the level of immaturity here. 

 

[Miss Spider]

Yea you all sound like a mess. You can’t have your cake and eat it too sorry. You want to do anything you want and she can’t kiss anyone else? Doesn’t work that way. You either lock it down or you suck it up ....

You guys are acting very sloppy and dramatic. Hope you’re wearing protection. By that I mean face masks. .

Edited March 23, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Gr8fuln2020]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yea you all sound like a mess. You can’t have your cake and eat it too sorry. You want to do anything you want and she can’t kiss anyone else? Doesn’t work that way. You either lock it down or you suck it up ....

You guys are acting very sloppy and dramatic. Hope you’re wearing protection. By that I mean face masks. .

And the other kind of protections as well...I can see much much more drama coming and some of it may come in the form of "I'm sorry" or "so what" sex with the next person she or you hook up with while inebriated or on drugs or the next argument about whatever... 

[smackie9]

Since you don't want to be committed she can kiss or sleep with anyone she wants since there was no discussion of what your situation is.

There needs to be an agreement to an arrangement and set boundaries if you want to proceed with a FWB situation. That would be the mature thing to do.

Edited March 23, 2020 by smackie9

[preraph]

Well, you can't have it both ways.  Classic "I don't want her but I don't want anyone else to have her."  Not very flattering when you're a woman.  And she is smart enough to make know that leaves her a free agent.  You just sound like any commitment or progress to get serious is the LAST thing on your mind, so you've now told her, but in the same argument, made some type of little commitment and then broke it.  

 

So you either need to agree to be exclusive IF she agrees to be exclusive knowing full well you are not at all serious about a future, or you need to accept you'll both date other people.  If you are never going to want to settle down and have a family, well, that's fine, but time to let her know you're not that guy.  Or if you would but now with her, you may as well get out now. 

[kendahke]

On 3/22/2020 at 10:17 AM, kingeir said:

But the problem is, I love her as a person. She's all I could wish for in a woman - just not the right time. I want to state I got jealous when she would still be around

Do you think this makes a difference in how she sees how you're being?

You're expecting devotion out of someone whom you told that you're only around her to have fun--you are being completely unrealistic. She's a free agent--she can kiss whomever she wants until you tell her you want exclusivity with her--and then you act like a grown man who wants exclusivity.

When exactly is the "right time" going to come around?  In 10 years?  Are you seriously expecting her to wait on you to get off the loo?

Either get with the program or leave her alone. That's your advice.

Edited March 23, 2020 by kendahke