unlisted Posted March 22, 2020 Posted March 22, 2020 (edited) I"ve been seeing someone for a month and there are a lot of things I like about him but there's something off and I'm trying to figure out if this can be fixed through communication or if I'm simply doing too much and should step back. Things I like about him is that he's very responsive in text, he seems like a sweet guy, and I have the feeling we could have a healthy, happy relationship together. What's making me have second thoughts are how he seems to live in a bubble.. he doesn't read the news or knows what's going on and he had no idea what we should do for our first few dates because he never went out or did anything. He said he just stays at home and watches Netflix. Sounded pretty boring but when we went out we got along so I figured being informed can take practice. I didn't use to care about the news either but I did eventually. And it's not like he wanted us to just stay in and Netflix and chill. He did want us to go out but he would always say he didn't know where we should go and would leave it up to me. I had to Yelp and Google because I didn't know where to go either.. so this made me feel he was being lazy.. Another thing is he's a minimalist, which I can appreciate.. but he also almost has nothing in his apartment and it's had me bring my own things on several occasions. For example, he sleeps on an old, used up pillow and I had to use a couch pillow the first time I spent the night. It was so uncomfortable I had to bring my own pillow. I have 5 pillows so I can spare one. He said he'll get new pillows soon but I don't know when that will be. His tap water is also disgusting so I had to bring my own bottled water. I thought he was fine with drinking tap water because he didn't bother to buy bottled water but when he drank the water I bought, he said it was really good.. I left a gallon at his place for the next time I came over but the next time I was there, he drank it all except for a cup. I told him I was upset about it but he thought I was joking and laughed it off. I also brought a bottle of whiskey I liked and wanted him to try it. I left it there for the next time I came over (and I was clear about that) and he drank all of that too. He said he would get me another bottle but we'll see. I realized this is my fault for leaving my things there so I'm going to stop doing that. He invited me to his house for dinner and I liked that but I got excited because I love cooking so I've been cooking for him 3x as much as he's been cooking for me. He doesn't know how to cook as many things as I do and I've been the one offering to cook for him so I can't blame him for that. I do appreciate that he wants to learn how to cook more things. And he's trying to shop for a new nightstand and asked for my opinion so I like how he seems to be putting in effort. I think this boils down to me being a little overbearing somehow... I liked him and wanted to take care of him but now I realize I might have been giving much more than I was comfortable with.. and I don't feel like he's been as reciprocal. I don't know if he's oblivious or just being cheap and lazy. I also bought him toilet paper because he was running low and all the stores around him ran out and I happened to run across some. He couldn't find hand soap either but I decided not to bring him some because he still has some and I've been easily able to find it and I suggested he could use bar soap. He has been thankful and appreciative but I think what's bothering me is how he doesn't seem to try and make sure I'm as comfortable as possible when I'm at his house... like not only does he not have water I like but he drinks the water I bring.. that is actually what has bugged me the most out of all that.. but he seems to think it's a small thing because it's just water.. and I don't want to sound like a princess but I do feel like I've been giving a lot more... I suppose the simple solution is to just stop giving him things.. because I don't like how this is making me start to tally up what we've given each other. Should I go ahead and pull back and see what he does? Or should I speak up and say something? I know this is fairly new too and with the current global situation, things are just crazy and not normal... Edited March 22, 2020 by unlisted
lonelyplanetmoon Posted March 22, 2020 Posted March 22, 2020 Go with your gut. I have been doing a lot of work on myself in the last year and one thing I have learned that I need to do is to recognize that I have a right to feel the things I do and if they don’t feel right or good then I need to listen to what they are telling me. In early dating I want a man to be thinking about me and yes doing whatever he can to make me feel valued and wanted. That is what draws me in. Is he doing that for you? Is he doing the work to make the relationship what it should be? 50/50? Or are you doing all the work and feeling resentment? I have been in a relationship like that (did not realize it until it ended), and it was such a waste of my valuable time.
FMW Posted March 22, 2020 Posted March 22, 2020 He doesn't care about comfort (pillows) and he doesn't care about water, even though if it's in front of him he'll choose the bottled. Guys are generally not as picky about things as we women are. I much prefer it when the guy I'm seeing now comes to my place. Even though he wants to make me comfortable, he's not really always tuned into what that means for me because it's not the same for him. And I never leave food/drink at his place expecting it to be there when I come back (although it usually is). And we've been seeing each other for several months and were friends several more before that. You've only been seeing him for a month, so it's a little soon to be nesting at his place by leaving the things there that you like for yourself. But, all that said, you are of course well within your rights to be bothered by these things. It's unlikely he'll change things on his own - he's not going to get the hint from you pulling back. He just doesn't think about these things. So if you want to see if he'll change, talk to him about it. Men and women generally have different ways of showing their affection and care. You might just be overlooking something he's trying to do for you because of that difference. His taking care of you might not look like what you expect. And conversely, him NOT doing certain things you expect doesn't mean he doesn't care.
lonelyplanetmoon Posted March 22, 2020 Posted March 22, 2020 54 minutes ago, FMW said: Men and women generally have different ways of showing their affection and care. You might just be overlooking something he's trying to do for you because of that difference. His taking care of you might not look like what you expect. And conversely, him NOT doing certain things you expect doesn't mean he doesn't care. I disagree that it is a man vs women difference. Different men have different styles of showing love. Same with women. You just need to figure out what you need and try to find a match that has a loving style that is good for you. IE it makes you feel good vs insecure/questioning yourself. Just my personal opinion. 1
Author unlisted Posted March 22, 2020 Author Posted March 22, 2020 1 hour ago, FMW said: He doesn't care about comfort (pillows) and he doesn't care about water, even though if it's in front of him he'll choose the bottled. Guys are generally not as picky about things as we women are. I much prefer it when the guy I'm seeing now comes to my place. Even though he wants to make me comfortable, he's not really always tuned into what that means for me because it's not the same for him. And I never leave food/drink at his place expecting it to be there when I come back (although it usually is). And we've been seeing each other for several months and were friends several more before that. You've only been seeing him for a month, so it's a little soon to be nesting at his place by leaving the things there that you like for yourself. But, all that said, you are of course well within your rights to be bothered by these things. It's unlikely he'll change things on his own - he's not going to get the hint from you pulling back. He just doesn't think about these things. So if you want to see if he'll change, talk to him about it. Men and women generally have different ways of showing their affection and care. You might just be overlooking something he's trying to do for you because of that difference. His taking care of you might not look like what you expect. And conversely, him NOT doing certain things you expect doesn't mean he doesn't care. I was thinking the same thing too, that he probably wasn't aware of what I needed because he could do without those things. We actually did end up talking about it and he apologized and said he'll keep what I said in mind.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted March 22, 2020 Posted March 22, 2020 You are at the very beginning with this man, and what you are seeing is his BEST behavior. Are you looking for a son or a possible life partner? 2
ccas93 Posted March 22, 2020 Posted March 22, 2020 (edited) wow, this guy sounds extremely oblivious and kind of thoughtless, as well as overly comfortable with you already. You must like him a lot, because in my experience if I make one or two of these mistakes (or demonstrate multiple of these sort of habits) with most new women, I get dumped. Edited March 22, 2020 by ccas93
Mystery4u Posted March 22, 2020 Posted March 22, 2020 It's been like this after only one month together... he is supposed to be showing you the best version of himself... do you really want a life with him? When my ex used to stay at mine I used to spent 2 hours beforehand cleaning everywhere and wiping everything, changing the bed sheets etc. Also always took a trip to the supermarket to stock up on any food/drink she might want. Even bought extra blankets/pillows. When I'm in a relationship I like to treat my girlfriend like a princess and shower them with love, making them as comfortable and happy as possible. Your expectations are not being matched... and at this early stage... so don't expect him to change in the future. Sorry I'm already taken with a new girlfriend/princess but I'm sure you can find someone else like me out there. 2
Author unlisted Posted March 22, 2020 Author Posted March 22, 2020 2 hours ago, Mystery4u said: It's been like this after only one month together... he is supposed to be showing you the best version of himself... do you really want a life with him? When my ex used to stay at mine I used to spent 2 hours beforehand cleaning everywhere and wiping everything, changing the bed sheets etc. Also always took a trip to the supermarket to stock up on any food/drink she might want. Even bought extra blankets/pillows. When I'm in a relationship I like to treat my girlfriend like a princess and shower them with love, making them as comfortable and happy as possible. Your expectations are not being matched... and at this early stage... so don't expect him to change in the future. Sorry I'm already taken with a new girlfriend/princess but I'm sure you can find someone else like me out there. Can you train him for me? He seems like he really wants to try but is pretty oblivious, maybe from the way he was raised. After we talked about it he said he would drop water off at my house.. which wasn't the point at all..
preraph Posted March 22, 2020 Posted March 22, 2020 This guy seems like a dud all the way around. I'm not sure why you'd pursue him. Surely you can find someone who participates in the world a bit more, don't you think? This would get stale real fast. 1
dramallama Posted March 23, 2020 Posted March 23, 2020 It sounds like that's just the way he is. Even in the earliest days my guy would make sure he had things in for me without being asked - wine, fresh fruit to nibble on, he makes me breakfast in bed, there was just once where he'd only got one small towel clean that I could use. He cares about my comfort and thinks ahead. 1
Malin889 Posted March 23, 2020 Posted March 23, 2020 Gosh, this sounds SO much like someone I dated recently for a couple months -- I wonder if it's the same person! Although the guy I dated did buy large jugs of bottled water, so perhaps it's not the same person lol... but he was very lazy about dating... didn't know where to go, I made the decision on what restaurants to go to; he stayed inside a lot watching Netflix; I found myself going to him / his place alot, and he didn't seem to put in too much effort... I'm not a fan of lazy dating. BUT he was a nice guy, so I didn't want to give up on him too soon. It's tough when they're nice, but your needs are not being met, right? I mean, I know the last couple weeks, obviously we're not supposed to go outside much because of the virus, but what about before then? Did you go out a lot at all? Does he pick you up for the dates? And what happens after all this is over? 1
preraph Posted March 23, 2020 Posted March 23, 2020 If he doesn't even keep up with the outside world, though, what on earth is there to talk about except his theories?
Malin889 Posted March 23, 2020 Posted March 23, 2020 37 minutes ago, preraph said: If he doesn't even keep up with the outside world, though, what on earth is there to talk about except his theories? True --- Does he have a job? Friends? 2
smackie9 Posted March 23, 2020 Posted March 23, 2020 (edited) He's a cheap a$$ in the 3rd degree. This is who he is, and that is why we date....they must tick off all the boxes, well most of them. The way he is , is a total bother. He won't man up, he has no imagination, is a total home-body, loner, cheap, etc. Too much wrong that you shouldn't have to stand there and correct it. That's just dumb. Dating is trail and error. I agree follow your gut, this isn't right. Him being nice and ok to talk to isn't enough to keep a relationship afloat. Plus doing all this stuff for him is only enabling codependency on his end. Edited March 23, 2020 by smackie9 3
skywriter Posted March 23, 2020 Posted March 23, 2020 Unlisted, As I was reading your post, it was always in the back of my mind that this guy must've had a tough upbringing. He sounds like he may not know any other way, however, he may enjoy another way if he did. If it is because of the way he was brought up, he'll be hesitant, and may backslide, but still may just want to be loved and have someone in his life to love in return. Then, my other thought was, does this guy have an addiction? Often when someone does, they prioritize the addiction and there other priorities fall by the wayside. I think talking to him, and inquiring, may solve the mystery as to his lifestyle.
Author unlisted Posted March 23, 2020 Author Posted March 23, 2020 47 minutes ago, skywriter said: Unlisted, As I was reading your post, it was always in the back of my mind that this guy must've had a tough upbringing. He sounds like he may not know any other way, however, he may enjoy another way if he did. If it is because of the way he was brought up, he'll be hesitant, and may backslide, but still may just want to be loved and have someone in his life to love in return. Then, my other thought was, does this guy have an addiction? Often when someone does, they prioritize the addiction and there other priorities fall by the wayside. I think talking to him, and inquiring, may solve the mystery as to his lifestyle. It doesn't sound like he had a tough time growing up.. probably no tougher than I had it.. and I don't know of any addictions. He doesn't seem like the addictive type but who knows.. I think arrogantly I thought I could get him to be interested in what's going on but the above poster is right.. I do feel like I'm enabling him. I forgot to mention that he hadn't been to the eye doctor or dentist in years even though he needs to go and has insurance.. I tried to tell him to go but with what's going on now, he should wait for things to get back to normal. I thought that as long as he was kind and had a good heart, we could figure everything else out, but.. oh crap.. my dad is like this with my mom and I don't want to repeat their mistake.. I'm going to talk to him about it and be prepared to walk away.. even though I didn't have any intentions of breaking it off.. I want to give him a chance. 1
Zippy2000 Posted March 24, 2020 Posted March 24, 2020 Should you say something? Yes, but its how you say it. Talk to him with no distractions and when the two of you are alone. You like him but he doesn't show any anergy in taking you out. Putting effort to organising dates or replace what items he has consumed. He may not realise what he`s doing but nothing will change unless you communicate that too him. You've been seeing him for a month. Usually when people meet they are on their best behaviour. In a month you've learned all the above examples. how much more can you bear and is he worth more than what he`s shown to you in that time. Think about the future and what you want from this relationship. If you continue to see him as he is. Its not going to get any better until things change. That's up to you both fix things to move forward.
Malin889 Posted March 24, 2020 Posted March 24, 2020 It bothers me that he drank your alcohol and didn't replace it. It seems like he is cheap and/or lazy. Does he go outside at all? Is he a big drinker?
smackie9 Posted March 24, 2020 Posted March 24, 2020 It's one thing to say "Hey you mind not leaving your dirty socks on the floor.....but it's another to explain that they need to go to a dentist, or figure out where to go on a date or have a damn life, or learn to make friends, or to stop using old grungy pillows and bedding, or replace what you use out of common courtesy....like girl where are you going to start? You have only seen him for a month...cut your losses. Stop being a fixer, it's not healthy. 3
Hopeful30 Posted March 25, 2020 Posted March 25, 2020 Approach it from this perspective: What do I gain/learn by pulling back? What do I gain/learn if I speak up? Consider what each approach offers you. Which one is more likely to provide the answers you seek?
Author unlisted Posted March 27, 2020 Author Posted March 27, 2020 I did end up saying something and he tells me he really likes me and he'll do better. He got me more water and asked if I needed anything from the store the day before I agreed to come over. I told him I was on my period and eat a lot of chocolate on my period and he got me some chocolate. Not sure if this should be bothering me but I guess it does. He's a minimalist so he doesn't have a lot of stuff and he lives alone. I live with some family members so we stocked up like crazy for the pandemic. Naturally, we have more things and I'm tempted to keep bringing him stuff because we have it and he doesn't. It just seems like the situation favors him more but I wouldn't consider it his fault. I guess I could stop offering to bring him things but then it's like, we'd be stuck with his crappy things.. is there a way to compromise on this? I didn't mean to make it sound like I'm putting him down but it does seem like we have different standards..
stillafool Posted March 27, 2020 Posted March 27, 2020 Why don't you just invite him over to your place where everything is rather than go to his where there's nothing?
Author unlisted Posted March 27, 2020 Author Posted March 27, 2020 14 minutes ago, stillafool said: Why don't you just invite him over to your place where everything is rather than go to his where there's nothing? He does come to my place once a week but I spend the weekends at his place. He can't spend the night at my place because he has a dog he has to take care of.
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