Me [19M] her [17F] Female friend going mad because I don't 'initiate' contact enough?

[SaintLaurent20]

 

 

Ok I’ve made this thread before regarding on how she messaged me about 5 days ago  on reddit, saying how she puts all the effort in our “friendship” and I don’t do anything and that she’s the one sending messages all the time and I’m never initiating anything? Now I just got a message about 20 minutes ago, saying that she’s done with me, sent a video recording of our snapchat chat showing all the videos she sent to me, personally I don't send snaps at all so I didn't really understand her point. She also said  that I clearly don’t give a f*ck about her and that I can’t even write a simple how are you to her like wtaf?? Bear in mind we’re “friends” although we call each other wife and husband which is weird as well as the fact that I know her less than 8 months, this doesn’t make any sense. Yes I haven’t been initiating contact as much because I’m going through stuff and I’d like to be alone as well, I don’t even really intiate contact with anyone and I found it quite absurd that she feels offended that I don’t initiate contact with her. Like yes I can see where she’s coming from but just because I’m not initiating contact how she wishes doesn’t mean I don’t care about her at all, and what kinda friendship is this where I have to contact her or it’s over like I don’t get it..

All my other friends were on great terms m even if I don’t initiate contact for months. but she has weird outbursts and I genuinely can’t understand the big issue? She keeps saying she’s the one carrying this friendship like it doesn’t even matter because we’ve been on good terms we get along amazing when we meet up so I don’t understand her problem and why is she so frustrated with a guy she doesn’t even know a year like wth? I can see why she could be annoyed or angry but to completely go mad over something like this is beyond me. I apologised over voice notes even tried calling her but she simply said this “don’t call me” and fhe last voice notes she just aired and ignored so right now it’s whatever to me. I never had any friends that had issues with my response time, or friends that had a problem because I don’t initiate contact and I really can’t understand her massive problem. What is this bs? Is there something wrong with me or what ?

This probably sounds childish but the situation got me questioning myself really, is it wrong that I'm not texting her like she wants to?

Update: I've messaged her and apologised (for whatever reason) to which she replied with a ''whatever emoji'' to which I said this ''Look I really don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this, just because I don't message you enough or whatever doesn't mean I dont care about you, ( it doesnt even make sense that shes making it so deep), she then replied with ''it seems like it'' to which i said ''It seems like that's what you want it to be,  I can't force you but if that's the way you think it is then let it be'' to which she started typing but then stopped and pretty much aired  it.

No frankly I could careless, this isnt friendship, I feel like a boyfriend at this point like I have to mantain constent contact with her man, it doesn't even make sense as to why I'd message her so much since im her ''friend'' you know, I never really seen such friendship that requires constant contact you know so what is this?

 

 Tl;dr: Female friend going nuts over me not comminicating as much

[preraph]

Well, if you're calling each other wife and husband, even jokingly, I'm sure she regards you as a boyfriend, not just a casual friend.  So if that's all you want to be, you better straighten her out. Tell her, Look, you and I are not in a relationship.  We are just friends.  I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.  

 

She's clearly trying to groom you into her boyfriend.  She's anxious if she doesn't hear from you and jealous and everything.  So if you want her to be a girlfriend, well, she's going to be a demanding clingy one.  If you are really just friends and aren't kissing or anything, you need to let her know you do not feel that way about her and are not going to play house with her on this texting stuff because you don't want to.  

[SaintLaurent20]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

Well, if you're calling each other wife and husband, even jokingly, I'm sure she regards you as a boyfriend, not just a casual friend.  So if that's all you want to be, you better straighten her out. Tell her, Look, you and I are not in a relationship.  We are just friends.  I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.  

 

She's clearly trying to groom you into her boyfriend.  She's anxious if she doesn't hear from you and jealous and everything.  So if you want her to be a girlfriend, well, she's going to be a demanding clingy one.  If you are really just friends and aren't kissing or anything, you need to let her know you do not feel that way about her and are not going to play house with her on this texting stuff because you don't want to.  

I mean we never kissed or anything like that, but we get along very very well and countless people thought we were in a relationship.. She said that one time that when she posted me on snapchat she told her friend that was wondering who I am that I'm her boyfriend lol.

Well, I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship to be honest, I like her alot but you know I'm paranoid and I overthink everything especially my previous girlfriend so yeah, id need time for that for sure.

Also worth noting once I remember when she said this over face time ''I play around with guys and get bored of them''' which is stuck with me to this very day and made me even more distant about this whole thing lol.

 

 

[preraph]

And with good reason. I think you need to tell her you're just friends and a quit pretending you're her boyfriend. I think if you were that into her you would have already decided to be her boyfriend. And now you know how much she can nag you about needy things, that's only going to get worse I imagine.

[SaintLaurent20]

26 minutes ago, preraph said:

And with good reason. I think you need to tell her you're just friends and a quit pretending you're her boyfriend. I think if you were that into her you would have already decided to be her boyfriend. And now you know how much she can nag you about needy things, that's only going to get worse I imagine.

You're right, I was going to at some point but then I said to myself ''would I want to get hurt again and go through the same pain that is haunting to this very day?'' Again thanks a lot for replying, It really really means alot :).

[preraph]

The longer it goes on, the more invested she will become. Of course you may lose a friend. At a bare minimum you should tell her you're not going to stay in contact that frequently because you don't like to. you're on Love shack we see a lot of conflicts because one person thinks the other is texting too much or too little. A lot of it is driven by insecurity. But it still shows an incompatibility on that level, because right or wrong that's how she is. Anyway good luck with whatever you decide. This is what so often happens when there's not momentum in the relationship. Usually it's the woman who gets antsy and starts pushing, and many times that just ends the relationship..

 

Hope whatever happens goes well.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP,  you need to quit playing along with this silly “husband-wife” game and be honest that you don’t want a relationship with her. She’s lashing out because she obviously likes you and is upset that you don’t reciprocate. Don’t let thIs drag I’m anywhere longer. You two won’t be be able to keep up this friendship, because what you haven isn’t really a friendship anyway. 

And coming from someone who was once a hotheaded teen girl? Her bravado about playing with guy and dropping them is usually what girls who do exactly the opposite of that say. She’s trying to puff herself up likely because she’s actually very insecure and trying desperately to hide it. Ignore that nonsense.  

[stillafool]

I think you are right to pass on this girl because she is going to be extremely clingy and jealous of everyone you talk to.  That husband/wife and boyfriend thing is just too much when you are nothing more than friends.

[Mystery4u]

She's immature, likes attention, to play games and throw her toys out of her pram when things don't go her way. Basically a typical 17 year old. We were all like that at one point in our lives! Nothing surprising.

The husband/wife thing while innocent is a big no no. Just don't. You are teenagers not school kids.

Just give her some time and don't contact her.

[contel3]

I don't know why this is so hard to understand. Besides that fact that she likes you, pretty much anyone will get bored of having to initiate every single conversation. If I have to initiate every single conversation with a friend I will assume the same: that the person really doesn't care that much. It's such an easy thing to send a "how are you" once every few weeks.

[SaintLaurent20]

I appreciate all the responses and I will try my best and let her know that this isn't going to work, and that she needs to understand that what she wants me to do will be me being clingy and as someone pointed out she seems to have insecurities also.. But again thank you everyone and I'll try my best so she doesn't feel hurt.

[preraph]

Maybe you say, Look, that's not who I am.  I'm not that guy who is going to check in with you all the time to reassure you.  None of my other friends put that kind of pressure on me.  

[SaintLaurent20]

9 minutes ago, preraph said:

Maybe you say, Look, that's not who I am.  I'm not that guy who is going to check in with you all the time to reassure you.  None of my other friends put that kind of pressure on me.  

Now that you've said that I wish I said that before... Although I did send a voice note saying ''Look I don't know what kinda friends you got that you message every single day but I don't necessarily message all my friends every single day''. 

She was really mad then even saying ''I'm not gonna f*cking calm down'',  ''You're the one who's chilidsh'',  ''You're a hypocrite'' Like I was shocked how deep she took it..

[preraph]

Well, what you said was very good.  She's just mad because she wants more than you do.  It said it all in one sentence.  Maybe it will lead to a conversation and you can remind her that you aren't her boyfriend.  I mean, I realize you kind of ride the fence, so maybe you ought to think about what if she started dating, how you'd feel, but still, you can't rush things.  Her acting like your gf and making all your circle think that is blocking other potential girlfriends from you, you know.  So I get you're not sure, and that's fine, but maybe free yourself and see who else might be out there interested since this one hasn't set your pants on fire enough to really move into romantic status.  Sounds like it's her way or the highway.  Who knows, she may even be getting some doubters amongst her friends who are questioning her that you really ARE her boyfriend, and that could be putting urgency on it for her to save face, but then she shouldn't have misled them to begin with.  

Edited March 22, 2020 by preraph

[SaintLaurent20]

7 minutes ago, preraph said:

Well, what you said was very good.  She's just mad because she wants more than you do.  It said it all in one sentence.  Maybe it will lead to a conversation and you can remind her that you aren't her boyfriend.  I mean, I realize you kind of ride the fence, so maybe you ought to think about what if she started dating, how you'd feel, but still, you can't rush things.  Her acting like your gf and making all your circle think that is blocking other potential girlfriends from you, you know.  So I get you're not sure, and that's fine, but maybe free yourself and see who else might be out there interested since this one hasn't set your pants on fire enough to really move into romantic status.  

You're very right in everything you said.

She's very attractive and I really used to like her to a point where I was thinking of even dating her, but then her behaviour and just the way she carries herself around peope and stuff doesn't till well with me, she seems to be a bit too available, that could just be me though..

What also turned me off is her demanding behaviour as well as that thing with ''I play around with guys and get bored of them'' but someone pointed out here that it could just be her way to overcome her insecurities and make herself sound tough.. I don't know, she did ''Set my pants on fire'' but then at the same time I'm scared of getting hurt again as I have depression and if something similar would happen again I don't think I'd be able to hande it, especially because I'm so emotional and I get attached quick.. whatever it is I hope this situation ends well.

Edited March 22, 2020 by SaintLaurent20

[elaine567]

If you are going to have a relationship with anyone then you need to make some effort. No woman or even a friend will put up for long with a one sided relationship
I get that you are not over your ex, but why have you allowed this girl to think you are more serious than you are?
Is your ex your ex due to similar issues maybe? 

[SaintLaurent20]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

If you are going to have a relationship with anyone then you need to make some effort. No woman or even a friend will put up for long with a one sided relationship
I get that you are not over your ex, but why have you allowed this girl to think you are more serious than you are?
Is your ex your ex due to similar issues maybe? 

This was never planned... I never thought of this a relationship and more just friendship lol, we never spoke about relationships or anything like that other  than the ''husband - wife'' thing and we never kissed or anything like that, I always thought that husband thing was just a friendly game but nothing serious you know?

And my ex doesn't have any part in this, that's just my fear of being hurt the same, one thing I learned is that both parties should investe the same and not one sided..

I am over my ex though I could careless about her but I mean I have so many friends I'm great with, even my best friend we don't talk daily anymore, we could go weeks without talking and still have good conversations like we spoke everyday, so her lashing out wouldn't even make sense from the ''friendship'' standpoint.

Edited March 22, 2020 by SaintLaurent20

[preraph]

Is your depression just related to the last gf, or do you suffer from it a lot of the time no matter what?  Because I do agree if you have something you're struggling with, it's best to concentrate on just working through that with therapy or however you would usually do it.  

[SaintLaurent20]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

Is your depression just related to the last gf, or do you suffer from it a lot of the time no matter what?  Because I do agree if you have something you're struggling with, it's best to concentrate on just working through that with therapy or however you would usually do it.  

I think my ex could of triggered it, but now it isn't related to her and it seems to be just part of my life now. And I suffer from it pretty much everyday, although somedays are better.

[preraph]

Did you have it before sometimes?  I ask because I used to get situational depression, but I had one that lasted a very long time.  But it had happened for shorter periods of time for the same reason (unhappy relationship stuff).  Might be that you need to go thoroughly talk that out with a therapist and get it all out so you can maybe heal. 

[SaintLaurent20]

I can't really remember when I was depressed before my heartbreak to be honest.. The only time I felt lonely and somewhat depressed was when I was in secondary school. It officially started in September 2018. And I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that, it's horrible  and the fact that It doesn't seem to go makes it even worse.

[preraph]

I think you will get better.  Usually situational depression does get better.  I have been okay since mine, with only a brief spell or two since caused mostly by things in the news.  Of course, I'm old and not dating.  Being actively dating and interested in guys and pursuing them is mostly what kept me depressed periodically.  Now that I'm not, I'm ok!  I had a big depression over career stuff too.  

 

It's best you learn to manage and treat it and start a history with a doctor you can rely on for referrals in case you ever need to.  I think meds would have stopped my depression much sooner on that longest one.  No one offered me meds for it, though, because I appear really strong, because I am really strong, but I was really broken inside.  

But yeah, yours will get better.  Give it time, and just try to accept when things are over, learn what you can, but don't blame yourself.  You're young and there will be missteps.  It's expected and forgivable!

[SaintLaurent20]

On 3/22/2020 at 11:21 PM, preraph said:

I think you will get better.  Usually situational depression does get better.  I have been okay since mine, with only a brief spell or two since caused mostly by things in the news.  Of course, I'm old and not dating.  Being actively dating and interested in guys and pursuing them is mostly what kept me depressed periodically.  Now that I'm not, I'm ok!  I had a big depression over career stuff too.  

 

It's best you learn to manage and treat it and start a history with a doctor you can rely on for referrals in case you ever need to.  I think meds would have stopped my depression much sooner on that longest one.  No one offered me meds for it, though, because I appear really strong, because I am really strong, but I was really broken inside.  

But yeah, yours will get better.  Give it time, and just try to accept when things are over, learn what you can, but don't blame yourself.  You're young and there will be missteps.  It's expected and forgivable!

Hi Prerapth,

Sorry about the late response I was kind of taking some time off socials..

I hope i do, because some days can really be draining and sometimes suicidal even but I try and live on even though I feel like everything around me is going to complete sh*t but I still have some kinda hope that It will get better somehow.

I'm very glad to hear that you've shaken out of it! And I hope the future looks even brighter for you because we need more people like you in this world and I really appreciate you and everyone else on this thread that took their time and respond to this ridiculous thread... I appreciate everything thanks again!

Some days do feel good and sometimes I can even feel completely happy like I'm not even depressed and then something can happen that could ruin my mood and I'd fall back to the same depressed me, or I just automatically randomly turn moody, angry and sad at the same time, which causes me to listen to music that I used to listen back in summer 2018 which was undeniably the best time of my life, I had everything I wanted and I was the happies 18 year old, I couldn't ask for mor... A girl I loved, Friends, Family, the sun, Travelling, Music and the list could go on..

Sorry If I'm rambling too much this is irrelevant to this post.

[preraph]

Make a point of watching funny movies or anything that makes you laugh. It's kind of like retraining your brain. I have some favorite old things I can watch if I can find them that will make me laugh even in the darkest times. 

 

My depression the long one was mostly a lot of anger. I was a raw nerve. If you don't snap out of it, do see a doctor. Sometimes all it takes is a pill to snap you out of it. No point being miserable any longer than you have to. Take care and keep us posted.