elaine567 Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 4 minutes ago, Wallymum4 said: Losing over a stone in weight in 3 weeks and being as affectionate, enjoying Sex together etc hasn’t stopped tonight from happening. I have tried to rectify the things that were lacking and to show him how strongly I feel about him. You are playing the "pick me" game but he didn't cheat because of you, he cheated because of who he is. All that work on your part and he still picked her... 3
Author Wallymum4 Posted March 21, 2020 Author Posted March 21, 2020 4 minutes ago, elaine567 said: He had done it before and the OP stayed, he KNEW she was not going to leave. He has her by the short and curlies, 4 kids... She is going to stay, she is not even going to tell the kids nor I guess anyone else, there are no bad consequences for him whatsoever. He gets to continue being the good guy, the loving husband and father to the world We separated for 4 months when he was cheated over social media and I did take him back because he fought so hard for us and our family. We had another baby and things seemed fine for 3-4 years. The last 6 months I had been suffering with a low libido due to new medication. I pushed him away, without intent or fear of consequence and now I deeply regret not fighting harder for us. Tell me how this ends well for everyone? I appreciate that I am protecting him but it’s all I know how to do! He is the father of my children and they idolise him. I have been asked not to speak to anyone about it because he doesn’t want anyone to think badly of him. I don’t want people to hate him either but this is really bloody hard x
Luna66star Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 Can you leave then with or without the kids? Do you work and have your own income? He will continue to walk all over you if you stay and not stand up for yourself. Do you feel it is the path of least resistance to simply bite your tongue to keep the peace? If he owes the house no he won't leave. Is he the boss in the house? Do you have any say in anything? I know some wives turn a blind eye to their mans affairs (not because they not hurting over it) because they dont want to upset the kids with a divorce or lose the lifestyle. Is this how you feel?
Author Wallymum4 Posted March 21, 2020 Author Posted March 21, 2020 9 hours ago, Luna66star said: Can you leave then with or without the kids? Do you work and have your own income? He will continue to walk all over you if you stay and not stand up for yourself. Do you feel it is the path of least resistance to simply bite your tongue to keep the peace? If he owes the house no he won't leave. Is he the boss in the house? Do you have any say in anything? I know some wives turn a blind eye to their mans affairs (not because they not hurting over it) because they dont want to upset the kids with a divorce or lose the lifestyle. Is this how you feel? I could never leave my children and I would not want to disrupt their family unit. Ultimately, it looks like I will have to sacrifice my feelings for the children.
Author Wallymum4 Posted March 21, 2020 Author Posted March 21, 2020 8 hours ago, schlumpy said: Has he isolated you from friends and family? I live quite far from my family so I don’t have their support around me. He has asked me not to speak to anyone about this all so I do feel a bit isolated. I just hurt - my insides are physically aching with the pain of it all.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 (edited) Your husband has zero respect for you, and zero respect for your children. This is so sad to see. He gets to dip his wick elsewhere, and essentially expects you to zip it and take it. To protect the false image people have of him? That is an astonishingly selfish move, and says a lot about his true feelings for you, and for your family. He's mistreating you, and terribly disrespecting your children right along with it. How? The nuclear bomb he's just dropped on their mother is one that threatens to forever rupture the family unit - not just the marriage. The time that he spends with his new girlfriend is time and attention he's depriving his own children of. The angst and pain he causes you is now emotional energy you have to devote to just maintaining your sanity, which is not what a good father does. A good father does not hurt their children's mom to the extent that she won't be able to fully emotionally present with those children. A good father does not intentionally behave in ways that can upset the entire family dynamic and create tension in the household, even if the kids don't yet understand what is happening. They're young now, it seems. But, if you continue to let him mistreat you, I promise you he will continue to see and sleep with other women. And you won't be able to totally hide that from your kids forever. They'll get older and smarter, and put two and two together. they'll start to figure out Dad isn't loyal to you. They'll one day realize that the marriage their parents pretend to have isn't the true story, and the family unit they thought they had was a facade. You're kidding yourself if you think they won't someday start to catch on. Ask grown children of philandering parents how that betrayal affected their lives; that's where your children are headed, if you don't start standing up for yourself. If you don't feel you can do it for you, do it for those kids. They deserve a dad who doesn't spit on the family like this, OP. And they deserve a mom who does what it takes to protect the family. What you're doing now (letting him have sex dates with another woman) is not protecting your family, but further damaging it. I know you are desperate, and certainly not acting with any malicious intent, but you are becoming part of the problem and not the solution. Edited March 21, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 3
schlumpy Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 I could write a thesis about what you need to do but I don't believe you will do anything. There is a spark of hope since you've taken the step to air your grievance on a forum where you can remain anonymous. That's a small step but that's how we learn how to walk. I want you to consider individual therapy and do not have sex with your husband until he gets a clean bill of health for STD's. 2
Guildford Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 I have two thoughts to throw out here. First, if he has spent the night with the girl in a hotel room, then she must know that you know. Also if he comes home the next day then your children know something is wrong. Second, if you want him to know what your pain feels like but you are not interested in being intimate with anyone else, then tell him you have a date three nlghts hence and can he watch the children that night. If that does not force him to confront the issue, then get ready for the date and visit a girlfriend. After a few hours go home and tell him what a wonderful time you had on the date. Good luck and I hope everything works out well. 2
stillafool Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 Wallymom4 I hope you're okay. I'm sure last night must have been a nightmare for you. We are here if you need to vent. 1
stillafool Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 1 minute ago, Guildford said: I have two thoughts to throw out here. First, if he has spent the night with the girl in a hotel room, then she must know that you know. Also if he comes home the next day then your children know something is wrong. Second, if you want him to know what your pain feels like but you are not interested in being intimate with anyone else, then tell him you have a date three nlghts hence and can he watch the children that night. If that does not force him to confront the issue, then get ready for the date and visit a girlfriend. After a few hours go home and tell him what a wonderful time you had on the date. Good luck and I hope everything works out well. Seriously, this could work if she would go through with it but I doubt she will. Cheaters are fine as long as they're getting some but they don't like to share theirs with others.
SummerDreams Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 This story is amazing tbh. All men who cheat feel bad, apologize, at least try to stop the affair and do their best to convince their wife they love her. This man here, not only does he not feel bad or apologize, not only does he not stop contact with the OW, but he also goes to spend the night with the OW with his wife's blessings and demands his wife not tell anyone about the affair and make him look bad. I mean, maybe he should create a site where he teaches other men how to do that! OP your first priority is your kids and if you are not well, your kids won't be well either. Go to a lawyer and find out about your rights NOW. Don't tell him anything else, it seems he is really good at manipulating you. Contact some organisation also that helps women with their kids so they advise you and maybe they find a place for you to live until decisions are made. Keep some money from your H. I'm sorry to say but you have no marriage anymore, not only because he cheated, but because what he is doing to you is pure ABUSE. Leave him, he doesn't love or respect you. The kids will deal with it in time. Therapists will help you and them over time. 6
stillafool Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 (edited) Ask your husband is it fair that you should shoulder all this pain alone without the support of your family just to protect his reputation? Is it fair that you should not be able to confront the OW who is sleeping with your husband? Is it fair to you that you have to pretend to your kids that their Dad loves you and has your best interest in mind? Please talk to someone. Go to a church and talk to a Pastor if you can't go to a counselor' but you have to get help. If you don't take control of your situation you are not going to be any good to your kids or yourself. He is not going to stop seeing her. Edited March 21, 2020 by stillafool 4
lolablue17 Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 5 hours ago, Wallymum4 said: He has asked me not to speak to anyone about this all so I do feel a bit isolated. I just hurt - my insides are physically aching with the pain of it all. It is called: Low self-esteem. Your husband knows you well and acts according to this. He says he will always be with you. Of course, he will. What are his odds of finding a good loyal wife that allows him to sleep with other women, including full emotional and physical affairs? I say "affairs" because I'm sure you are aware of the fact that it's not his first affair. This is the one you caught him. Now you have very little cards to play with. You already agreed to everything. He sets the rules, and you obey. Your insides are physically aching, and your husband doesn't change any of his behavior to make it easy for you - this is how much he loves and cares about you. Zero! If he cares, he would have changed something, sacrifice something. So, I understand that you're afraid to make ultimatums or end the marriage. But why on earth do you obey his orders? He doesn't want her to know? Why do you care? He doesn't want you to talk about it with anybody. Well, you don't want him to meet her, does he listen? Why do you agree to follow his orders? From today- talk about it with your family, friends, with anyone you want? Stop obeying orders. That is for a start. Will he be angry with it? Let him be angry. Will he leave you? If he does, it says a lot about how you can value his word and commitments. Start with this, and at least by that you signal him that you are not his submissive maid. 3
Amethyst68 Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 You've ignored both my previous posts, you'll probably do the same with this one but I have to try. DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THIS MAN ANY MORE. Do you understand he is laughing at you, using you in the most cruel way? Only you can stop it. 2
Beendaredonedat Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 (edited) Stopping to have sex with her partner will do nothing but compel him to go to the other woman even more. In fact, it will give him an excuse as to why he's wanting to be in the arms of another woman once the chit hits the fan and both their families find out that he's a polyamorous individual. Op: I'm not trying to discourage you from posting on this forum board but I suggest you supplement it by going on a forum board for Poly people and get some advice on how you can cope with all of this. If you're not going to leave him then you best be informed, educated and have coping skills in place to make your relationship a more content one. You are talking to mainy monogamous people here so you're not going to get too much on coping strategies. Adding: I'll also remind you, Op that its not cheating as so many are calling it IF you are aware of what he is doing (which you are) and he has your blessing (which he has because you agreed to it). Edited March 21, 2020 by Beendaredonedat
Amethyst68 Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 This man is not polyanything he's a common garden cake eating cheater. Stop trying to push your agenda onto a wife who is clearly NOT ok with her husband sleeping with another woman. A polyamerous man would not have spent the night with another woman when it was so obvious she was not ok with it, even if she had previously said ok. There are rules, being open and putting your main relationship as priority being number one. This man is cheating on his wife plain and simple. 4
lolablue17 Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 (edited) 21 minutes ago, Beendaredonedat said: Adding: I'll also remind you, Op that its not cheating as so many are calling it IF you are aware of what he is doing (which you are) and he has your blessing (which he has because you agreed to it). I'd be more careful before stating this conclusion. She didn't agree and didn't give her blessing to anything. In fact, she asked him to stop, which is the opposite of what you say. This man dominates in their family, and he forces his wills, taking advantage of her low self-esteem. He causes her great sorrow, pain, and misery, and he doesn't care at all. This is a situation forced upon her. She's experiencing abuse from her man, she doesn't admit it yet. Edited March 21, 2020 by lolablue17 6
lolablue17 Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, lolablue17 said: Edited March 21, 2020 by lolablue17
Beendaredonedat Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 (edited) 21 hours ago, Wallymum4 said: I am gutted but I love him and I do not want to split up our family. He says he loves me and can’t bear to hurt me but the affair is continuing, only now it is with my knowledge. To me: That is giving him her permission. Whether she's happy in her decision is another story but she is aware of it and the very fact that she is accepting of (even if she is hurt) is her giving permission to something that she is totally aware of. It's not cheating if you are aware and you do nothing about it but accept it in your sadness. adding: This man dominates in their family, and he forces his wills, taking advantage of her low self-esteem. He causes her great sorrow, pain, and misery, and he doesn't care at all. This is a situation forced upon her. She's experiencing abuse from her man, she doesn't admit it yet. That doesn't make it "cheating." It would only be cheating if she didn't know about it and he did it behind her back. It's out in the open and she's not taking any action to discourage it. (e.g. leaving him and going to her mothers or tell her family for support). Edited March 21, 2020 by Beendaredonedat 1
lolablue17 Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 6 minutes ago, Beendaredonedat said: To me: That is giving him her permission. Whether she's happy in her decision is another story but she is aware of it and the very fact that she is accepting of (even if she is hurt) is her giving permission to something that she is totally aware of. It's not cheating if you are aware and you do nothing about it but accept it in your sadness. You claim that if she doesn't do something drastic like divorce him, making ultimatum, or planning revenge, it means they are poly relationship with her consent. WOW! You're something. I don't know how old are you. I hope that you will never experience that kind of sorrow and misery. I also hope you will never experience abuse one day in your life. So tell me - In a rape act, if the woman that is being raped, does not resist at all, just frozen out to fear, it means that this isn't rape, right? You interpret her freezing as consent. WOW again! BTW it was cheating behind her back until she caught him, in case you haven't read the thread. 4
elaine567 Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 2 minutes ago, lolablue17 said: BTW it was cheating behind her back until she caught him ^^^This They didn't discuss him staying out all night with some other woman before he did it, no he has bulldozed her into accepting it and more. She is stuck as she has 4 children and a misguided sense of loyalty to a man who has none... 7
Beendaredonedat Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 7 minutes ago, lolablue17 said: You claim that if she doesn't do something drastic like divorce him, making ultimatum, or planning revenge, it means they are poly relationship with her consent.[/quote] no, you are just putting words in my mouth. WOW! You're something. I don't know how old are you. I hope that you will never experience that kind of sorrow and misery. I also hope you will never experience abuse one day in your life. I'm not condoning what he's doing, I'm giving the Op advice on how to cope if she's not going to leave him. So tell me - In a rape act, if the woman that is being raped, does not resist at all, just frozen out to fear, it means that this isn't rape, right? You interpret her freezing as consent. WOW again! Once again, you are putting words in my mouth and you are comparing apples to oranges. As mentioned above. I'm not condoning what her husband is doing, I'm simply giving her advice on how to learn to cope with what he is doing, in which she is not doing much to stop him from doing so that she isn't filled with this kind of fear and angst. Certainly, if she is not into having her own affairs then she should get hersel into therapy so that she learns to love herself enough to get out of the union, right now, she is too afraid to leave so she poorly tolerates her own anxiety about it. BTW it was cheating behind her back until she caught him, in case you haven't read the thread. I have read the thread. It stopped being cheating the minute she heard about it and had done nothing in her own best interests to stop it. Just clarifying my posts so that the Op understands that there are better ways to cope (if she's not going to leave and he's not going to stop) then to just accept and be devastated about it. 1
mark clemson Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 23 hours ago, Wallymum4 said: I fear the love is for what was and not what is, no matter how hard I try or want it to be something different x I'd pretty much say that's accurate here...
healing light Posted March 21, 2020 Posted March 21, 2020 On 3/20/2020 at 3:28 PM, Wallymum4 said: He has not told her that I know as he thinks it will ‘upset her’. He is protecting her feelings over yours. This is NOT a partnership, this is not love. He only cares about his own ass getting entangled in the drama at work. No amount of weight gain is an excuse for a man to throw his integrity out the window and start another relationship before ending the one he's in. If you're not standing in your power, someone else is.
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