Should I be mad at my boyfriend for letting his son stay at my house without telling me?

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, snowcones said:

I think it's heartless not to give kids a place to go during this crisis. 

They have a mother. OP hasn't said she's dead.

Dad doesn't even have his own, so it's mom's turn to step up and do the parent thing.

And we're talking about a grown man, not a child or a teenager.

Edited March 19, 2020 by kendahke

[Gr8fuln2020]

On 3/18/2020 at 4:32 PM, crederer said:

I'fhis dad has lived with you for a year then it's his house, too. Yes i do think you're being unreasonable given the circumstances. I couldn't imagine my SO expecting me to ask permission to have my son over to our place during a health epidemic. Sheesh

Really? May I ask what part of this you feel is reasonable? She is living in an apartment. Her bf is a guest in HER apartment. It is not his apartment. He is the bf, not the husband.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Ask your bf for some concrete plans on how the boys will contribute. Chores, maintenance, cooking, etc. Make certain your bf pays for the extra required for food, utilities. Also, best case scenario is that this will be at least a couple of months, perhaps longer. No matter how long this situation lasts, let it be known that plans for the boys to find their own place with or without your bf should begin happening. Let your bf pay their other accommodations as well.

In addition to that, they should follow strict rules you have in place regarding their leaving and re-entering the apartment. Social distancing does not mean they can go wherever they please, whenever they please.

I would be pissed.

[basil67]

@S2B thanks for the history. 

  I'd be inclined to think along the lines of @crederer, but the history paints a very different picture.

@snowcones this is just more of the same mooching behaviour which he's displayed previously.   If you and he were to break up, does he have somewhere to go?

[Gr8fuln2020]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

did he ever pay back the $1800 he owed you?

Hmmm... Now what's this?

[Mystery4u]

Looking at the previous thread.... your boyfriend is just taking advantage of your kind nature and your inability to say 'no'. The fact that he did not even discuss his 2nd son moving in shows that he doesn't care about you at all.

You really need to have an honest talk with him and tell him enough is enough.

[littleblackheart]

On 3/18/2020 at 7:37 PM, Pinkbird741 said:

So I feel like my house is too crowded and I want some privacy and peace.

Privacy and peace are somewhat luxury items atm, but you should feel your opinions count.

Imo, you need to agree on a timeline you are comfortable with

by the end of which the other son has to leave, and stick to it.

For instance

'I understand that [other son] is in a bind, but it's been a few months and there's no end in sight. It is a putting a strain on our relationship and I have I have no say in any off this, which is not fair. It is not unreasonable to expect him to move out by [date you're happy with]. [Father and I] can help find alternative accommodation'.

If and when the agreed upon date comes and goes, you have a right to kick both out. The lease is in your name, it is your flat, you shouldn't have to go.

What are the other son's immediate alternatives? Can he stay at his mother's, go with his brother or family member? How old is he?

Edited March 20, 2020 by littleblackheart

[JTSW]

13 hours ago, snowcones said:

Even homeless people, which is essentially what the kids are.  I think it's heartless not to give kids a place to go during this crisis. 

They're not kids, they are grown adults who can fend for themselves.

They are not homeless.

OP is not their mother. They have a mother. They have other places to go.

OP's point is that it is a one bedroom apartment with no room for four grown adults, and that her boyfriend invited them to stay without asking her.

He is in the wrong and he is the disrespectful one. Not OP.

[VIOLET EDEN]

On 3/18/2020 at 6:32 PM, crederer said:

I'fhis dad has lived with you for a year then it's his house, too. Yes i do think you're being unreasonable given the circumstances. I couldn't imagine my SO expecting me to ask permission to have my son over to our place during a health epidemic. Sheesh

I think shes more enraged with the first one, then the second son. 

[JTSW]

3 hours ago, VIOLET EDEN said:

I'fhis dad has lived with you for a year then it's his house, too. Yes i do think you're being unreasonable given the circumstances

It's her place. 

Not his. 

He doesn't pay rent and is not on the lease. 

He is unreasonable moving his adult kids into HER place without asking. 

[elaine567]

Is the first grown up son "normal"?
Mental health issues?
Intellectually challenged?
Behavioural issues?
If so, then his father may be just protecting him, as opposed to enabling him.

[Pinkbird741]

It's not just about offering shelter, but his sons need to eat and use essential stuff while they're here. Due to this crisis, I need to be careful with money and these young men do not work. That's what drives me mad. They just come here and expect a roof and food at no cost. 

I am at home right now because they closed the company because of the virus and if we run out of food or my boyfriend doesn't have enough for everyone, I WILL NOT provide for his spoiled sons. Sorry, but I'm not their mother and they can support themselves, especially the older son. 

Another thing is that since there's not enough room, while his son is in the living room I hang out in my room. Why do I need to be in a room during lockdown all uncomfortable?? With limited space when I PAY THE RENT. His sons don't pay anything!!! I will have a conversation with my boyfriend and ask him what he's planning on doing with his sons because I don't want to be uncomfortable. My house is a total mess right now with his sons suitcases all over the place

[Pinkbird741]

11 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Is the first grown up son "normal"?
Mental health issues?
Intellectually challenged?
Behavioural issues?
If so, then his father may be just protecting him, as opposed to enabling him.

His older son is perfectly normal. No mental problems, disabilities or anything.

he's a normal young man

[basil67]

I'm glad you're going to have the conversation with your partner.   I would strongly urge you to figure out what your boundaries and expectations before talking to him and tell him straight up how it will be.   Make sure to also address the issues you raised in your first post.

[Gr8fuln2020]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm glad you're going to have the conversation with your partner.   I would strongly urge you to figure out what your boundaries and expectations before talking to him and tell him straight up how it will be.   Make sure to also address the issues you raised in your first post.

Yes. Yes. Please make certain you don't anything out. Make it absolutely clear what your expectations are and be very very careful of his attempt to 'compromise' on your expectations. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this crap. There are people who will take advantage of your generosity and affection to worm their way into abuse. Your bf is banking on you weighing the value of your relationship (him) to your expectations and believe me, if that happens, you know that this man is NOT the type of person you want to be around. It seems pretty clear that he has money, so let him pay rent for himself and his two kids at some other apartment. I wonder how he would feel having two working-aged boys sitting around consuming his hard-earned money w/ no offer of contribution. Ugh. People like that piss me off.

[kendahke]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Is the first grown up son "normal"?
Mental health issues?
Intellectually challenged?
Behavioural issues?
If so, then his father may be just protecting him, as opposed to enabling him.

still doesn't excuse him from not running it past her first instead of giving him the ok to roll on through.

[Gr8fuln2020]

18 minutes ago, kendahke said:

still doesn't excuse him from not running it past her first instead of giving him the ok to roll on through.

Precisely. We all know the saying that it is better to say sorry than to ask before hand...or something like that. Some people are master manipulators and use that philosophy to their opportunistic ends. Ugh.

I am certain that the OP would have agreed with satisfaction if a discussion had been had and with agreed expectations established. The bf denied her the opportunity and any power to make that decision which is her right.

[smackie9]

Your BF moved him in without telling you for a reason...because he knew he is pushing the limits and you would say no way. He's a jerk, he is a mooch, he is using you, he is taking advantage of you, and he doesn't care what you think. You can't be gentle about this because he was never considerate, so he deserves to be given the boot. Cut your losses with the money owed and save yourself from more financial burden. You need to take action NOW

[crederer]

On 3/19/2020 at 9:13 PM, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Really? May I ask what part of this you feel is reasonable? She is living in an apartment. Her bf is a guest in HER apartment. It is not his apartment. He is the bf, not the husband.

She said that he lived there for a year. Therefore it's his place, too. Married or not he resides there. 

[smackie9]

11 minutes ago, crederer said:

She said that he lived there for a year. Therefore it's his place, too. Married or not he resides there. 

Not necessarily. When the relationship dissolves and only her name being on that lease, she can evict him. She may have to put it in writing. She can even have the Sheriff remove him depending where she lives. 

[Art_Critic]

I think you need to throw them ALL out, dump the guy.. what a user.

The issue is your BF and his one Son live there so they will most likely have to be evicted and his other Son will just have to go with the other 2.

Get YOURSELF OUT of this MESS

 

[preraph]

Especially now.  Not even safe.  

[kendahke]

11 hours ago, crederer said:

She said that he lived there for a year. Therefore it's his place, too. Married or not he resides there. 

But legally, he will not be named on the eviction papers when the landlord finds out more people are living there than are legally allowed to. OP's name is and it's her record that will be ruined behind this. He'll just skate on to the next woman to mooch off of. THAT is the issue.

Rental property owners right now are extremely vulnerable because of people not being able to pay rent due to the pandemic and in order to reduce their loss, they may start looking a lot more closely at what is going on in their properties to offload those who aren't abiding by the contract.

It's dang near impossible to find a decent place to rent with an eviction on your record.

Edited March 29, 2020 by kendahke

[Gr8fuln2020]

On 3/28/2020 at 10:02 AM, crederer said:

She said that he lived there for a year. Therefore it's his place, too. Married or not he resides there. 

Dude. She is paying the rent. HE is a guest. Just because he sleeps in that room does not entitle him any rights to making any decisions as to who the future or additional occupants are to be. It's her decision. Not his and it is clear she never deferred to him any power to make such decisions.