Should I be mad at my boyfriend for letting his son stay at my house without telling me?

[Pinkbird741]

My boyfriend's son is in college and they closed it because of the Coronavirus outbreak. He was living on campus so he had no place to go. 

I live in a 1 bedroom apartment and my boyfriend moved here a year ago. This morning my boyfriend just said: "My son is here" and his son brought his suitcase and all his belongings. But my boyfriend never told me he was coming or asked for my permission first. I know we're going through a crisis and I'm not heartless but I felt as if my opinion doesn't count.

what makes me mad is that I also have his other son at my apartment. He's a college graduate who's not working or saving money to get his own place. In 3 months that he's been here, he hasn't payed rent because my boyfriend supports him instead of making him responsible. So I feel like my house is too crowded and I want some privacy and peace. I have limited food due to this crisis and it's not fair that his sons don't contribute financially. Am I right or wrong? I don't know if his son will stay here for a long time but he has his mom too. 

[kendahke]

You're not wrong.  They're taking advantage of you.

I think it's high time you had some serious conversations with your boyfriend about his children squatting at your place on your dime.

Whose name is the lease under?  Is your boyfriend's name on the lease?  If not, then yes, he needed to consult you about his second son moving in.

As far as the other son--there needed to be a rock solid agreement that he had a certain number of weeks/months to get himself on his feet.  There is no room in a one bedroom apartment and you cannot accommodate everyone in your space. It's high time their mother was put upon with her own children and let them live off her dime, since she and their father raised them to be pampered slackers.

Also, it might be time for your boyfriend to get his own place, too, if he wants to have his kids around him like this and let them lay about taking up space and not working. I'm not saying break up, but if he takes it there, it might not be a bad thing for you. You'll get your house back.

Edited March 18, 2020 by kendahke

[preraph]

You need to at least hand him a list of household goods and food you will be needing now.  

[kendahke]

17 minutes ago, kendahke said:

If not, then yes, he needed to consult you about his second son moving in.

If yes, then yes, he still needed to run it past you out of basic common courtesy, since it's been demonstrated that one child sits on his butt soaking up limited resources--no reason to think the other was raised any differently.

[VIOLET EDEN]

At a time like this resources and groceries are important. If the sons aren't contributing at least the older one then they need to find a place of their own. Tell your boyfriend that if youre living together then its both of your decision, not just his. Give at least a 2 week notice and tell him to get out or bring money to the table. 

[Pinkbird741]

Yes, the lease is under my name.

my boyfriend keeps telling me that his son will soon leave but I don't see how that's happening if he doesn't have a job.

my boyfriend does his laundry and cooks for him. That's how lazy and entitled he is. Sometimes I even have to cook for him because I make dinner when I get home and it's rude if I don't offer him.

he's eating our food without paying for it

[crederer]

I'fhis dad has lived with you for a year then it's his house, too. Yes i do think you're being unreasonable given the circumstances. I couldn't imagine my SO expecting me to ask permission to have my son over to our place during a health epidemic. Sheesh

[Saracena]

Regardless he should definitely have cleared it with you before the son arrived. Was this the case with the first one?  Also it sounds very cramped with you all in a one-bedroom flat.

What about their own mother?

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said:

Yes, the lease is under my name.

my boyfriend keeps telling me that his son will soon leave but I don't see how that's happening if he doesn't have a job.

my boyfriend does his laundry and cooks for him. That's how lazy and entitled he is. Sometimes I even have to cook for him because I make dinner when I get home and it's rude if I don't offer him.

he's eating our food without paying for it

it's time for you to speak up.  Being the 'silent irate" will do nothing but breed resentment on an exponential scale.

Write down first what you need to convey if you don't think you can riff off the top of your head about it, but seriously---it's time to stop ignoring the elephant pooping up a storm in your living room, and I mean his son.

[kendahke]

I live in a 1 bedroom apartment and there isn't any room for me here. I can't imagine having a second adult in here, let alone two additional grown men posting up.

Also, OP runs the risk of being evicted for having too many people in her dwelling and violating the residency terms of her lease because of these two sons of her boyfriend's. She hasn't said management is cool with 4 people living in a 1 bedroom apartment. Is the answer for her to get put out? Hardly.

[manfrombelow2]

This is redflag. His action shows no respect for you OP.

[snowcones]

This is going to be harsh but this is what you get for letting your boyfriend move in with you.  Make him get his own apartment.

[schlumpy]

No. It is not unreasonable for you feel this way.

If you can't bring yourself to kick all them out then wait until your lease is up for renewal, move and don't let them in the new place.

I know it seems a bit cowardly but it should put you in a position where you have control again. Whether you retain that control is up to you.

[JTSW]

He should not have moved him in without asking.

Be straight with your boyfriend.

Tell him the apartment isn't big enough and that they have to go to their mother.

Also tell him that its getting too costly for you to feed them all without their contributions.

[preraph]

When is the lease up? Just kick your boyfriend and everyone out when the lease is up or just move out and leave them behind. but if he's on the lease to you be sure and get your name off of it before it's up for renewal or it'll roll over and you'll still be liable for it  Just because you would move out and leave them behind doesn't mean you would be off the lease if you're on it to begin with .You'd have to let the landlord know.

Edited March 19, 2020 by preraph

[simpycurious]

First, you don't have enough room in a one bedroom apartment.  I am guessing you live in an urban area that is densely populated but still 

that's not enough room.  Second, why would anyone NOT ask you about bringing in another person to YOUR HOME?  At some point, consideration

and respect for another person has to come into play.

[Ellener]

18 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said:

Am I right or wrong? I don't know if his son will stay here for a long time but he has his mom too. 

Compassionately and calmly help them all find a place to live is what I'd do. 

In the current medical situation if one or all of you get sick you will be in lockdown together and just have to make the best of it for several days or weeks.

But you are seriously overcrowded now, so if you plan to stay with this man ( and he is going to want his kids with him ) you will need a larger place practically.

Good luck!

[smackie9]

OK so now you know what your BF is all about...he's a scrub, and the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree with his son. I would kick both out and be single again. He's an adult, he can find a different place to live as you change the locks to your flat. Suggest he go live with his ex.

Edited March 19, 2020 by smackie9

[d0nnivain]

You need to set rules NOW.  I do think the sons need to go out & get supplies for all 4 of you immediately.  Then you need to tell the BF that as soon as this quarantine is lifted everybody has to go including him.  If you are not willing to do that, any continuing difficulties are of your own making. 

[Pinkbird741]

We gave a month to month lease so I can leave at any time. But since we're in the middle of this crisis I don't know if it's a good idea to leave immediately. I will have to sleep in a room with a roommate because apartments can be expensive. I live in Los Angeles.

My boyfriend and I pay 50/50 for the rent and utilities but it still bothers me to have his grown son living here when there's not enough room. He literally sleeps in the living room floor instead of working and getting his own place. Isn't it shameful? And he's not working because he wanted to take some time off after college, so he's living with my boyfriend's money. And my boyfriend is stupid because he struggles financially because he thinks his son is still a baby that needs his help.

he told me today that his son (the one that recently arrived because of the virus) will leave today or tomorrow. But I'm still stuck with his oldest son who lives rent-free.

i will probably tell him after the crisis his son needs to go, otherwise the relationship will be over because he's too over protective with him. Its ridiculous 

[Allupinnit]

I'm trying to even picture the logistics of four adults in a 1BR.  I'm betting it's against the terms of your lease to have that many people living there, let alone your boyfriend who isn't on the lease to begin with.

Don't allow yourself to be used this way.  They are literally wiping their feet all over you and yours.  Two grown-ass men squatting with you who don't contribute... what is that?  Losers!  Expect more for yourself.

[Ruby Slippers]

So things have only gotten worse since your thread in January. And they will continue to get worse.

I get it. You "love" this scrub and you want to believe he can do better.

I was in the same situation a couple of months ago with a verbally abusive boyfriend. Different problem, same dynamic. Lots of people on this forum said the guy is not gonna change. But I decided to give him a second chance because I "loved" him. 

Guess what? A couple months later, the same s*** happened and I had to dump him again. Zebras don't lose their stripes.

If I were you, I'd make a plan to end this relationship and move out into my own place as soon as possible. This guy and his kids are leeches and will continue to leech off you as long as you let them. It's up to no one but YOU how long that goes on.

[smackie9]

only your name is on the lease you can force the issue that he needs to get his own place and to start working on that NOW. Wait for the crisis to end? it will be months before that's lifted. tell him the boys have to go, they are adults they need to go out on their own. IMO you are being ridiculous letting this guy take advantage of you.

[snowcones]

21 hours ago, crederer said:

I'fhis dad has lived with you for a year then it's his house, too. Yes i do think you're being unreasonable given the circumstances. I couldn't imagine my SO expecting me to ask permission to have my son over to our place during a health epidemic. Sheesh

I kind of feel this way too.  I mean, we are having unusual circumstances right now.  It's a challenging time and people need somewhere to go/be.  Even homeless people, which is essentially what the kids are.  I think it's heartless not to give kids a place to go during this crisis.  Your boyfriend probably didn't ask because he knew the answer would be no and he didn't want to hear that when it came to his kids.  Still, it's selfish of him not to have asked you and talked to you about it.  At the same time, I'm also a parent and would not want to have to kick my homeless kid out because my boyfriend said so.  That ain't gonna happen.  I think at the very least, you're going to have to speak up and maybe the boyfriend will get out on his own and provide a place for his kids to go.

Edited March 19, 2020 by snowcones

[kendahke]

6 hours ago, Pinkbird741 said:

We gave a month to month lease so I can leave at any time.

Unless the landlord finds out first that you've violated the terms of the lease and everyone is out, coronavirus or not.