k0ukla1995 Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 Hi everyone, I recently started seeing this guy and I think I really like him but I need some advice. We met at work but before that, knew of each other through mutual friends. A little over a year ago, before meeting, we followed each other on Instagram. We knew people in the same circle and found each other attractive. He messaged me and asked me out. We texted a bit but I never ended up meeting up with him. So, here we are a year later, without ever having met, and he starts working at my job. I didn't know it was him right away, I just knew he looked familiar but after thinking about it I realized he was that really attractive guy who asked me out on Instagram. Unfortunately, he's really attractive and a lot of other people at work were after him. I messaged him on Instagram to let him know we worked together now, and then we would talk sometimes at work but it was just casual. I was hearing some not so good things about him, that he's a player and such. Despite all of this, I found him really attractive and wanted to hook up with him, and I thought it was somewhat fate that the guy who asked me out on Instagram was now working at the same place as me. I was going to wait things out but I couldn't, one day I got up the courage to ask him out for drinks after work and to my surprise he said yes. We went for drinks and then back to his place, yes, hooked up the first night because we both wanted to and it felt natural. After that, he asked me to see him again two days later. We hung out 3 times in the first week, he'd take me out for drinks and then back to his place. The third time, he met me out for drinks and I was with a friend. He greeted me with a warm hug and kiss on the cheek in front of everyone and bought me and my friend shots. We left together, went back to his place, and talked over wine for hours. He told me I had beautiful eyes while we were talking and it made my heart jump. He texted me again, 3 days later, to come visit him at his other job (he's a bartender). I told him I couldn't so he asked to get drinks that night. I couldn't that night so we planned for the next day. Now, with the coronavirus situation, we weren't able to go anywhere. He picked me up on his motorcycle and took me back to his place. We drank wine and talked forever, hooked up, cuddled and watched a movie, then hooked up again. To me, it is very confusing because it seems like most of our "dates" revolve around just getting drinks and going back to his place, which would insinuate he is just looking to hook up. But, from the length of our conversations, to the rate at which we are hanging out (4 times in 10 days), him embracing me in front of others, I would think it could turn into something more. Obviously, it is too soon to tell, maybe he is just taking it slow, but I'm really curious to know if he's into me for more than sex. I haven't really done much chasing, he initiates most of the conversations and dates, as I am trying to play it cool. But when I'm with him, I feel a really strong connection. Is this connection mutual or am I imagining it?
Author k0ukla1995 Posted March 18, 2020 Author Posted March 18, 2020 (edited) I also want to add that he doesn't text much, he really only texts me to make plans, but today he texted me to check up on me after we hung out last night. He kind of ended the conversation by telling me to stay safe with everything that is going on. He isn't much of a conversationalist over text and I don't know if this is just his personality or a red flag. Although, I know I'm going to see him again because we talk about things we want to do in the future when we're together. Edited March 18, 2020 by k0ukla1995
manfrombelow2 Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 If you have to wonder, the answer is always no. Hope this helps. 2
Lorenza Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 5 hours ago, thaygiaogiang said: If you have to wonder, the answer is always no. Hope this helps. Why? I'd say he's into her. Theres no universal answer to anything 2
ExpatInItaly Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 (edited) This seems to be mostly about drinking and sleeping together at this point. I realize the options are quite limited right now for an actual date outside the home, but I would see if tries to see you when the booze isn't flowing quite so much or the "date" involve something more than drinking and sex. Hugging you in front of other people doesn't mean much, in and of itself. Plenty of folks do that without applying deeper meaning to it so I would try not to read too much into that just yet. You said he asked you out last year but you two never met up. What happened there? Edited March 18, 2020 by ExpatInItaly
manfrombelow2 Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Lorenza said: Theres no universal answer to anything Yes there is. And this is it. Edited March 18, 2020 by thaygiaogiang 1
JTSW Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 5 hours ago, k0ukla1995 said: I haven't really done much chasing, he initiates most of the conversations and dates Start initiating too before he becomes fed up of doing it all and bails. The only one who can tell you if he's into you is him. I think he is, but your lack of initiating probably holds him back a little. Be honest with him. Tell him that you really like him and the time you spend together and that you hope for something more further down the line.
Saracena Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 6 hours ago, thaygiaogiang said: If you have to wonder, the answer is always no. Hope this helps. Hmm......not always. For instance if you really like someone it can be more difficult to 'see' what's obvious to others. Some folk are also naturally a bit more insecure and need more reassurance than others as well. OP he sounds interested to me. I wouldn't worry about the texting as guys generally tend to use it more for planning dates etc 2
Interstellar Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 (edited) Yes, he likes you. Will it turn into a relationship? the intimacy in the beginning really clouded things up. Why don’t you just ask him? and don’t be meek about it either, you got intimate with him several times and you’re too shy to assert what you want out of this? lol. If he says no, then drop him. Edited March 18, 2020 by Interstellar 1
diana9 Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 You need to talk this through with him. Tell him how you feel and ask him straight what is he looking for and then you will know. 1
stillafool Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 7 hours ago, k0ukla1995 said: I was going to wait things out but I couldn't, one day I got up the courage to ask him out for drinks after work and to my surprise he said yes She was the first one to initiate a date so I think she has more than done her part. I agree that hugging you and kissing you on the cheek is really nothing more than the greeting of a friend. He does seem to enjoy drinking, talking and having sex with you and you obviously like the same with him. Since you just started seeing this guy why are you worried about where this is going at this point? You already knew you were going after a Player when you asked him out. What do you expect from him? He's good looking, good lover and has good conversation. This is what most girls like and that is why he's so popular. You need to calm down and dial it back some and not get ahead of yourself. The problem with dealing with Players is you usually end up playing by their rules whether you want to or not. 2
JTSW Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 Just now, stillafool said: She was the first one to initiate a date so I think she has more than done her part. So you think because she did it once she doesn't have to do it again? That she should let him do all the work from then on? The 'player' thing were rumors, not proved, YET lol
stillafool Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 He's fully aware that she's interested because she asked him out first. I think he's doing pretty well by taking it from there. 2
preraph Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 The guy is a bartender so he has plenty of opportunity and you already know that. Yes spending one-on-one time with you and getting drinks out first is a date. A bit monotonous but a date. Don't worry about when he texts. He has two jobs. He doesn't have time to babysit someone by text because they're insecure. so my advice is you need to put the brakes on yourself and stop trying to force him to a next level. You need to not pressure him or get whining about wanting more this or that or more texting. No one's going out in big crowds now. he might get enough of that when he's working. For now he's paying enough attention to you. Don't get ahead of yourself and start falling for him and scare him away. be yourself and see if he gets more attached and give him time. You're not exclusive so don't expect him to be exclusive. it sounds to me like things are going well enough but that doesn't mean his ultimate goal is to pick you as the one to be with the rest of his life. Good luck. 3
smackie9 Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 I worked with a bouncer that had 4 to 6 women going with him. He told me how he played up the intimacy, telling them sweet romantic stuff, the cuddling and all that crap. He showed me the love notes and letters he was getting from them. They were all bamboozled by this guy. One night two showed up at the club and they found out about each other lol....then there were only 4...later word got out and then there were none, hmmm Karma. My experience: Any guy that was truly into a relationship didn't waste time letting me know. I dated guys like him and it's only temporary. He's starting to cloud your better judgement. 3
Author k0ukla1995 Posted March 18, 2020 Author Posted March 18, 2020 5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: You said he asked you out last year but you two never met up. What happened there? I don’t usually meet with random guys I met on an app unless it’s a dating app, and I think life got in the way for both of us. When he started working at my job I realized he was a lot more attractive than I thought and honestly, I was intrigued by all of the other attention he was getting. But, when we started hanging out and talking, I realized he is more than just good looks and that we have a lot in common. So any superficial intentions I’d had before disappeared and I started to actually like him.
beentheredonethat77 Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 (edited) Definitely guard your heart here with this one. His enthusiasm shows a lot of attraction, which is great, but that doesn't mean it will sustain.. IMHO The early sex is only a problem in these types of situations for one reason: Once the conversation stalls, or you things get a little mundane in any way... then there is nothing left to look forward to. YOu've eaten dessert already... so hes satiated and without that hunger.. he may start looking around for new and exciting options. Whereas if you hold off on sex, then even in those mundane times there is this sexual tension that isn't broken yet, with a flirting that sustains you through those early weeks/months until an actual bond is formed through time and shared experiences, these things will ideally bond you outside of sex. This is just my experience with the popular/good looking guys. Also, once we were regularly sleeping together, i'd be more prone to insecurity in times when he was quiet/ distant.. than if we hadn't yet -- which of course lead to neurosis, neediness and just altered my cool, laid back personality around him. I felt like i had to work hard to keep things exciting/interesting... because i was losing him and he had already had sex so the hunt was over. Not a good place to be in. Now i wait on the sex if i like him -- always. The goodlooking popular guys arn't all cads by any means, but they are spoiled by enticing choices constantly. So with the above said, i would just take a step back...dont just play it cool -- be cool. See others, see friends... be super nice/ sweet to him but dont be available, be super busy, dont be cold but let him miss you. Stay connected through pics and occasional message but dont be available to see him.. let him build up some hunger.. -- at least this is what worked for me. When the hunger to see you gets really strong... make plans with him that dont involve sex.. and let the tension re-build. Just my opinion. After a bit of time (as long as you can wait).. i'd have an honest talk with him.. but only after you've given him time to get to know you, and ideally grow some feelings himself. Edited March 18, 2020 by beentheredonethat77 3
Mystery4u Posted March 19, 2020 Posted March 19, 2020 Sorry OP but from what you have posted, it doesn't sounds like he is as into you as you are into him. Your whole setup is basically how I was with a FWB, while I was looking for something serious. I had no intention of ever starting anything serious with her, but she was happy to meet up 3/4 times a week and just go back to hers so we could get high together and have sex multiple times. It was good while it lasted, as she didn't want anything serious at first, or so she said. Until she wanted something serious and declared her love for me. At which point we had to say our goodbyes as she was only going to get more and more hurt.
Versacehottie Posted March 19, 2020 Posted March 19, 2020 Hard to tell how he is into you. Rather than try to obtain an answer by doing the same things you've been doing, why not try to do different things and see if he's responding and pursuing you as well. In other words, if you don't just want to go drinking and hookup, then don't do those things and see if he sticks with it/you. Of course, it's hard to go backwards physically but that said, someone who makes you feel that if you don't keep up with what you've been doing physically in order to keep seeing him probably isn't into you in a way other than what he's been getting. Does he ask you questions about yourself? Does he do think that make it known that you've been on his mind in an affectionate way in the in between times from seeing one another? I tend to think that not every guy is a player just because he has opportunity or is a bartender. That said, as you've described it, I also tend to think, you are right to wonder if he's into you other than for hooking up. Don't ask just yet. He would probably just tell you what you want to hear. He should be able to show you and you have to be honest with yourself and not just see what you want to see (not saying you are). Maybe be more assertive and less passive. Especially with what activities you spend time doing. It's probably a really challenging time however to test him about what his intentions are about you. He's probably in freefall of losing money and depending where you live it's not easy to go out and socialize by doing much else than staying home, which is fairly obvious to be gateway to hookup.
SumGuy Posted March 19, 2020 Posted March 19, 2020 On 3/18/2020 at 1:18 AM, k0ukla1995 said: I also want to add that he doesn't text much, he really only texts me to make plans, but today he texted me to check up on me after we hung out last night. He kind of ended the conversation by telling me to stay safe with everything that is going on. He isn't much of a conversationalist over text and I don't know if this is just his personality or a red flag. Although, I know I'm going to see him again because we talk about things we want to do in the future when we're together. Not everyone is a big texter. Doesn't seem to matter on age. I've a teenage daughter who hates it as well as a 50+ girlfriend who is not into it. So would never put texting into red flag territory by itself. If he is not a big texter but makes an effort to text you, that is good.
SumGuy Posted March 19, 2020 Posted March 19, 2020 On 3/18/2020 at 1:16 AM, k0ukla1995 said: To me, it is very confusing because it seems like most of our "dates" revolve around just getting drinks and going back to his place, which would insinuate he is just looking to hook up. But, from the length of our conversations, to the rate at which we are hanging out (4 times in 10 days), him embracing me in front of others, I would think it could turn into something more. Obviously, it is too soon to tell, maybe he is just taking it slow, but I'm really curious to know if he's into me for more than sex. I haven't really done much chasing, he initiates most of the conversations and dates, as I am trying to play it cool. But when I'm with him, I feel a really strong connection. Is this connection mutual or am I imagining it? This sounds pretty normal, how a lot of things start off. Fairly normal beginning to all the relationships I have had. First drinks, great conversation then back to one of our places. Then after a time onto weekend days going to do something. Have never been big on long communication by phone or text, sure check ins but not much more...which is pretty common for my generation it seems (I'm in my 50s). If you have long conversations he is engaged in I would say it is a mutual connection, and him showing affection in public implies he wants others to know you are together. So yes some connection indeed, so potential but perhaps too soon to predict where this will go.
lurker74 Posted March 19, 2020 Posted March 19, 2020 Of course he's into you. He's spending time with you. Now, does this mean that he wants a relationship? I doubt even he knows that. Just keep doing things as long as the bring you joy and stop when they no longer bring you joy because it sounds like you're having a good time. Just be safe...without a talk about exclusivity, you should assume you're not the only one he's sleeping with.
Zippy2000 Posted March 25, 2020 Posted March 25, 2020 In my opinion it looks like he that much into you. Maybe he`s up for sex and that it. Some men play the field to see whta out there but the information you`ve given us to work to doesnt show that he that interested. You made the first move and he hasnt done much except for just drinks and then back to his place. now, Im a man and this is from a mans prospective. If I was keen on you i would take you out and date you. Not just drinks and back to his place. Thats just like being friends or acquaintances. I have girl pals too and i sometimes compliment them. Is there a connection or is this mutual you say? You are also going to see him soon and talk about the future? If the future consists of drinks and going back to his place again then you`ll know where you stand. Nothing is going to change unless you make changes to the dynamic of the relationship.
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