Counting the days of no contact

[Whatever2345]

Does anyone even think about their ex’s after like 4 months or just completely forget and not even look back? Just makes me feel like I’m a mistake and no one ever misses me at all. Regardless of who it is. It’s been 130 days of no contact for me I let go as much as I could and I’m still not really happy I have tried almost everything I possibly could to keep me happy at this point the relationship just completely turned my life around. I’m just not meant to have a happy love life at all or to just be happy in general apparently I am easy to forget I don’t know why this always happens to me and I’m kinda tired of it at this point all I do is cry work and sleep I try to focus on my dreams all the time but that never works. I try to listen to happy music I don’t want to. I try to keep as many friends as I can but I don’t want them in my life. Life is full of disappointments I know but my life lately has been full of disappointments and I just want it to stop. I honestly don’t even see myself making it to 21 years old as my 20rh birthday is coming up and 156 days of.no contact. I just can’t take it anymore I guess I am that easy to forget I just want to be dead honestly.

Edited March 28, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Beachead]

Hey Whatever2345,

To answer one question that you asked though..yes I've thought about my exes past 4 months.     How long I thought about them and the intensity of those feelings really depended on whether I was broken up with or did the breaking up and how invested I was.  Those of us who have been dumped and were highly invested in those relationships, tend to think about their exes for quite some time.  A year, maybe 2, maybe 3..I've seen some people continue to think about their exes for several years.  The longer the grief goes on, the more it will likely have to do with us and how we feel about our life rather than the actual feelings we have towards our exes.  

If you're willing to share some details on what happened for you, I might be able to sort you out, give you some perspective about your breakup and how it fits into your life and get you mind back on the track it needs to be on.  

- Beach

Edited March 6, 2020 by Beachead

[Whatever2345]

1 hour ago, Whatever2345 said:

Does anyone even think about their ex’s after like 4 months or just completely forget and not even look back? Just makes me feel like I’m a mistake and no one ever misses me at all. Regardless of who it is. It’s been 130 days of no contact for me I let go as much as I could and I’m still not really happy I have tried almost everything I possibly could to keep me happy at this point the relationship just completely turned my life around. I’m just not meant to have a happy love life at all or to just be happy in general apparently I am easy to forget I don’t know why this always happens to me and I’m kinda tired of it at this point all I do is cry work and sleep I try to focus on my dreams all the time but that never works. I try to listen to happy music I don’t want to. I try to keep as many friends as I can but I don’t want them in my life. Life is full of disappointments I know but my life lately has been full of disappointments and I just want it to stop. I honestly don’t even see myself making it to 21 years old as my 20rh birthday is coming up and 156 days of.no contact. I just can’t take it anymore I guess I am that easy to forget I just want to be dead honestly

Edited March 6, 2020 by Whatever2345
Idk

[Whatever2345]

1 hour ago, Beachead said:

Hey Whatever2345,

To answer one question that you asked though..yes I've thought about my exes past 4 months.     How long I thought about them and the intensity of those feelings really depended on whether I was broken up with or did the breaking up and how invested I was.  Those of us who have been dumped and were highly invested in those relationships, tend to think about their exes for quite some time.  A year, maybe 2, maybe 3..I've seen some people continue to think about their exes for several years.  The longer the grief goes on, the more it will likely have to do with us and how we feel about our life rather than the actual feelings we have towards our exes.  

If you're willing to share some details on what happened for you, I might be able to sort you out, give you some perspective about your breakup and how it fits into your life and get you mind back on the track it needs to be on.  

- Beach

yeah sure I met him on tinder and before you judge not all guys on there are the same  they use it because sometimes they have social anxiety like I do  we talked for a good 2 months then we started Dating .after 2 weeks of us talking constantly every night on the phone because he had to go to school the morning he said he loved me  I said I love you too and we fell asleep on the phone every night  I went to surprise him after graduation because he was sad I couldn’t show  he looked annoyed at me ik some people don’t like surprises but I’d think someone would be happy to see their girlfriend. I came to his house whenever he wanted me to  then he came to my house for the first time that was when we officially met  face to face his mom mentioned him going to the army and I was thinking maybe I shouldn’t be with him  it’ll never work  but I said no f*** it I deserve to be happy and I deserve him.I know you’re not my ex. But as I look back 4-5 months of no contact I feel like he never really loved me. He just wanted to show off he had a gf. His friends would bully me he wouldn’t defend me. He told everyone every chance he got. He would talk about how he shouldn’t even be in a relationship or he doesn’t know why he’s in one. When I was asleep. He barley called me I asked him if he wanted to talk on the phone all the time. He sounded very annoyed. But my dumb *** gave him gifts showered him with love he never gave me anything but his hoodie. He kissed me every chance he got when I didn’t want to be kissed at that moment. He would tell me to stop crying that it’s annoying but he kissed me when I was extremelydistraught 

Long story short. My ex and I were dating for 6 good months and we were happy. Until he went in the military even though it shouldn’t change how you treat a person. He ghosted me through that time period while I thought he was just busy he only sent one letter through the 3 months  and me and his mom were chatting. he talked to his mom and grandma because there was a shooting in his platoon but not me his mom contacted me saying he was okay   I would wait every Sunday for him to call or look in the mail for anything and absolutely nothing my parents new I was excited to see him while I was sending him cards and gifts and a birthday card  I stayed loyal while he was away. I was super excited about him coming home and I was going to get him more gifts. Then when he came back I found on Snapchat that he’s back and he didn’t call and on my story I said to everyone let me know if you want me in your life or not.  (not directed to him) I texted him congratulations and he texted me sorry I was a dirt bag for loving my family I haven’t seen in ten weeks. Which I think he was making that as an excuse to break up with me. I’m not trying to make him choose. Never did say anything about that. I just thought if you loved a significant other you’d tell them too. Then he said he had to let me loose for college in Georgia since we both live in Arizona and he blocked me after I said k. Am I or was I a bad girlfriend? Then After a month of no contact ( still going) He’s unblocked me after a month so I told him to block me and he did  I really doubt he wants anything to do with me anyways  the last time I saw his Instagram he had 52 but then went back to 51 it could’ve been him and his gf but not anymore  idk it’s private  but why unblock someone  if you don’t like them. 

[Beachead]

Hey Whatever2345,

Something you may not realize right now because you are in this age right now..is your 20's are a time of rapid change in life.  It's a time of self-discovery where people are just trying to figure out who they are, what they want and don't want etc.  They may feel strongly about something or someone at one point in time only for that to change the very next day or week or month.   It's a time where people explore and get lost.  Experiences are had.  Memories are built.  Wisdom is gained.   ..and this doesn't stop.  Life is ever-changing but in our 20's, when things happen shockingly fast and its all new to us, it can really feel overwhelming.  Not many of us are ready for what life has in store and it takes time to adjust. People around this time may not know they're going through it.  You may not know you're going through it either...but it is happening. 

So do not put the blame solely on yourself.  That is unfair to you.  You could have been girlfriend of the year and it wouldn't change your relationship situation with him, because you ultimately weren't the problem.  You did what you were supposed to do.  What happened was simply the result of circumstances that were out of your control..which is life.   You'll come to realize with people (Whether they're a boyfriend or a friend or a family member or an acquaintance or stranger) external factors which you have no control of that affect the choices people make in their life..family, friends, their past, their upbringing, their baggage..which may affect how they feel about themselves, how they perceive the world.   That in turn can affect their treatment of you and make you feel like you were the cause..but it most likely isn't you.  Especially when you know you were doing your best.

 Its not solely on you to make a relationship work.  All you can do is the best you can.  The rest is up to them and if they don't deliver (Because maybe they are are not in a capacity to), then that's on them.  But just because the other person isn't committing to you the way you need, it doesn't mean its all your fault.   It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you and that you are unlovable.  

With that being said, 4 months of NC is still very fresh.  It took me about 2 years to get 2 exes.  When they left, I grieved for a long time.  Felt like you.   But I'll tell you this much..a lot of that "getting over" them was dependant on putting in a tremendous amount of internal work (I'll discuss that later).

For now, try to process this and stay strong.

- Beach

 

 

 

 

 

 

[scooby-philly]

as always - @Beachead for the win! (or winning advice!!!)

Dear @Whatever2345 - I am sorry for your pain and for your loss. Losing someone at any age, at any stage in life presents a difficult situation we must endure. What Beachead and others, in including myself, might share does not mean to talk down to you because of your age. While certainly HS or college "sweethearts" can and do stay happily together forever, for most of us that sort of relationship doesn't happen till we are much older. Now that's not to say that a couple, of any age, does not face changes in their lives (as individuals and/or as a couple) every day or constantly. Life throws curve balls, opportunities, setback, etc., to everyone rich and poor, gay and straight, black, brown, white, etc. It never stops. But the reason, as Beachie mentioned, that most relationships don't last until both parties get older, is that most people need that time from 18 to..... to learn who they are, what they want, explore the world and themselves. That doesn't change what a good partner should do - but it changes perspective and wants/needs. 

No matter what - do not blame yourself. As Beachead also said - you could be Helen of Troy reincarnated and it would not stop what was going to happen anyway. You'd be surprised, but even as adults, so many people these days cut quick and one. As a society in the West we do not teach people emotions, self-discovery, emotional communication, etc. growing up - so people don't know, until they get into a relationship and try it (and often learn the hard way either by getting hurt and left from someone or getting hurt and having to leave someone) - what a good relationship depends on and what it means. Our egos, especially if we suffer from any sort of self-esteem issue, abandonment fears, etc. stemming from our childhoods, can want to place the blame on ourselves. While it's okay to grieve, get angry, get sad, get depressed even, it's not okay to blame ourselves. One trick Beachead taught me in the past 6 months as I recover from a broken heart is to journal daily. Multiple times a day even when you need it. Doesn't need to be a narrative. Can be as simple as  a bullet point list - 5 things - what are you best qualities, what accomplishments are you proud of, what goals do you have for yourself, what your ideal mate looks like (quality wise) and what was wrong with him/relationship. The point isn't to brag about yourself or put your ex down. It's to help your inner child and your ego disassociate from the attachment and look at things - yourself, your life, and the relationship and ex as detached as you can. Doing it repeatedly helps quiet the spiraling your mind tries to engage in as it wants to know "why" and tbh, in almost any relationship, the "why" takes months, even years to come and even then, 90% of time you don't ever get the "real" reason.

Also remember, people are products of their family, their upbringing, the experiences they have in life, etc. So every person has a different view, understanding of, and even behavior when it comes to things like "being in a relationship", communicating with a partner, living life every day, how to raise children, spend vs save, etc. Age and experience teach all of us what's important to us and what's non-negotiable versus what doesn't mean a lick of difference to us. But..unfortunately, a lot of people still operate as adults from some compulsion that comes from childhood. And not just in a relationship, but also just how they approach and live life. From what you shared it sounds like your ex simply wanted, as you said, the status/feeling of having a relationship without the actual work and real commitment. Because even as a very affectionate and sensual man, if my gf didn't want a kiss or physical contact at some point, I wouldn't force myself on her. Now, I couldn't be with someone who didn't like a lot of affection, but almost every gets to a point once in a while where they just need some space or don't feel like x,y,z. If someone ignores that request it's disrespectful, selfish, and meant to try and assert domination. I'm sure if you would have started seeing someone else after a month of no contact from him when he joined the service, he'd be upset because you were asserting your independence and your right to be treated well by a partner. So keep that in mind. 

Overall, the work of the first 3-6 months of a relationship is learning and building an accurate picture of someone and who they hard. If we're inexperienced or faulty for some reason, we can build up the wrong image that leads to pain, heartbreak, (even sometimes abuse of some form). Don't fault yourself - you realize now what he's like and you're better equipped to build that picture moving forward. Hell, I'm 38 and I was dating someone who was 24 (we met I was 36 her 22). She was sheltered growing up, didn't have any dating experience, was living at home and was babied by her parents, and her mom was angry, bitter, shame based and somewhat crazy and they (more her mom but with her dad as an enabler) refused to let her officially date till she was completely done with her education. I confused her lack of friends and a social life as being "mature" - when it was really a sign of her bad family and her refusal to grow up. I confused her initial affection and tenderness as her actually being that - she's not - she uses it as a ploy to gain sympathy and mask her low self-esteem, (and she love bombed in the beginning), and I confused her talking to me every day, her sweet words, and her gestures in the first year with real emotional maturity, a desire to see us together long-term, and the ability to make adult decisions about life. And, I ignored several episodes of her threatening abandonment of me/relationship as just normal couple problems instead of realizing that it was a sign of heavy abandonment issues, a lack of freedom to rebel against her parents, and her childish emotional development. So don't beat yourself up to much - it happens to a lot of us, even when we're much older than you! Remember, you cannot control another person nor are you responsible for their emotions, their outlook on life, etc. He was not going to stay with you forever anyway. Again, it sucks to fully comprehend that. But it also frees you when you realize you're not foolish for believing in him and trying - the only foolishness is not recognizing your worth and having the self-value to leave when you should have - but again, that's a lesson most good people learn the hard way - as the only way to learn it is to go through some suffering.

 

Hang in there and keeping talking!

[Silver_star]

19 hours ago, Whatever2345 said:

He would tell me to stop crying that it’s annoying but he kissed me when I was extremelydistraught 

I had this experience with a boyfriend before. He was uncomfortable with my emotion because it made him feel something whether that be guilty or sad for me, or whatever and he was desperately avoidant of expression of feelings that were negative...I always felt so alone in my moments of pain when he would see me cry and instead just tell me to go wash my face off or feel better but didnt really listen to my pain and support me with offer of solutions. These type of men are not ready to be in relationships. Could be a myriad of reasons why they are not ready.  From the list of reasons you feel he was not in love with you, it sounds like you are better off. You will find someone else one day. Focus on yourself. Take it one day at a time.

19 hours ago, Whatever2345 said:

Then he said he had to let me loose for college in Georgia since we both live in Arizona and he blocked me after I said k. Am I or was I a bad girlfriend?

You are still both very young, and although you feel very sad and still ruminate because you felt a strong connection to him, he did not get as attached as you in your bond. Over time you will heal, and 4 months is not that long for some people that go through heartbreak. I am on my 10th month out of a relationship and I am just getting a bit better now...still some days are not great. Healing is not a linear process. I have previous ex boyfriends that I rarely ever think about, and that will be the case one day with this boy.

 

[Whatever2345]

4 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

as always - @Beachead for the win! (or winning advice!!!)

Dear @Whatever2345 - I am sorry for your pain and for your loss. Losing someone at any age, at any stage in life presents a difficult situation we must endure. What Beachead and others, in including myself, might share does not mean to talk down to you because of your age. While certainly HS or college "sweethearts" can and do stay happily together forever, for most of us that sort of relationship doesn't happen till we are much older. Now that's not to say that a couple, of any age, does not face changes in their lives (as individuals and/or as a couple) every day or constantly. Life throws curve balls, opportunities, setback, etc., to everyone rich and poor, gay and straight, black, brown, white, etc. It never stops. But the reason, as Beachie mentioned, that most relationships don't last until both parties get older, is that most people need that time from 18 to..... to learn who they are, what they want, explore the world and themselves. That doesn't change what a good partner should do - but it changes perspective and wants/needs. 

No matter what - do not blame yourself. As Beachead also said - you could be Helen of Troy reincarnated and it would not stop what was going to happen anyway. You'd be surprised, but even as adults, so many people these days cut quick and one. As a society in the West we do not teach people emotions, self-discovery, emotional communication, etc. growing up - so people don't know, until they get into a relationship and try it (and often learn the hard way either by getting hurt and left from someone or getting hurt and having to leave someone) - what a good relationship depends on and what it means. Our egos, especially if we suffer from any sort of self-esteem issue, abandonment fears, etc. stemming from our childhoods, can want to place the blame on ourselves. While it's okay to grieve, get angry, get sad, get depressed even, it's not okay to blame ourselves. One trick Beachead taught me in the past 6 months as I recover from a broken heart is to journal daily. Multiple times a day even when you need it. Doesn't need to be a narrative. Can be as simple as  a bullet point list - 5 things - what are you best qualities, what accomplishments are you proud of, what goals do you have for yourself, what your ideal mate looks like (quality wise) and what was wrong with him/relationship. The point isn't to brag about yourself or put your ex down. It's to help your inner child and your ego disassociate from the attachment and look at things - yourself, your life, and the relationship and ex as detached as you can. Doing it repeatedly helps quiet the spiraling your mind tries to engage in as it wants to know "why" and tbh, in almost any relationship, the "why" takes months, even years to come and even then, 90% of time you don't ever get the "real" reason.

Also remember, people are products of their family, their upbringing, the experiences they have in life, etc. So every person has a different view, understanding of, and even behavior when it comes to things like "being in a relationship", communicating with a partner, living life every day, how to raise children, spend vs save, etc. Age and experience teach all of us what's important to us and what's non-negotiable versus what doesn't mean a lick of difference to us. But..unfortunately, a lot of people still operate as adults from some compulsion that comes from childhood. And not just in a relationship, but also just how they approach and live life. From what you shared it sounds like your ex simply wanted, as you said, the status/feeling of having a relationship without the actual work and real commitment. Because even as a very affectionate and sensual man, if my gf didn't want a kiss or physical contact at some point, I wouldn't force myself on her. Now, I couldn't be with someone who didn't like a lot of affection, but almost every gets to a point once in a while where they just need some space or don't feel like x,y,z. If someone ignores that request it's disrespectful, selfish, and meant to try and assert domination. I'm sure if you would have started seeing someone else after a month of no contact from him when he joined the service, he'd be upset because you were asserting your independence and your right to be treated well by a partner. So keep that in mind. 

Overall, the work of the first 3-6 months of a relationship is learning and building an accurate picture of someone and who they hard. If we're inexperienced or faulty for some reason, we can build up the wrong image that leads to pain, heartbreak, (even sometimes abuse of some form). Don't fault yourself - you realize now what he's like and you're better equipped to build that picture moving forward. Hell, I'm 38 and I was dating someone who was 24 (we met I was 36 her 22). She was sheltered growing up, didn't have any dating experience, was living at home and was babied by her parents, and her mom was angry, bitter, shame based and somewhat crazy and they (more her mom but with her dad as an enabler) refused to let her officially date till she was completely done with her education. I confused her lack of friends and a social life as being "mature" - when it was really a sign of her bad family and her refusal to grow up. I confused her initial affection and tenderness as her actually being that - she's not - she uses it as a ploy to gain sympathy and mask her low self-esteem, (and she love bombed in the beginning), and I confused her talking to me every day, her sweet words, and her gestures in the first year with real emotional maturity, a desire to see us together long-term, and the ability to make adult decisions about life. And, I ignored several episodes of her threatening abandonment of me/relationship as just normal couple problems instead of realizing that it was a sign of heavy abandonment issues, a lack of freedom to rebel against her parents, and her childish emotional development. So don't beat yourself up to much - it happens to a lot of us, even when we're much older than you! Remember, you cannot control another person nor are you responsible for their emotions, their outlook on life, etc. He was not going to stay with you forever anyway. Again, it sucks to fully comprehend that. But it also frees you when you realize you're not foolish for believing in him and trying - the only foolishness is not recognizing your worth and having the self-value to leave when you should have - but again, that's a lesson most good people learn the hard way - as the only way to learn it is to go through some suffering.

 

Hang in there and keeping talking!

Thanks for the advice. I have been journaling for my future kids so that thet know they’re not alone and that I went through it too. He told my friend. he threw away my picture he had from the Bahamas when she asked for it back. I didn’t do anything so why would he even throw it out?

[scooby-philly]

You have to understand - the outside you see in people doesn't equate to the internal reality of them. And in my own recovery in the past few months I've come across a great meme that I have saved. "Sometimes, you have to accept the fact that you are the villain in someone's story". Now, on one level that's true because we all make mistakes in life. But leaving that aside, it's also true on another level. When it comes to relationships, friendships, even relationships we have with family members, they can be times when that "relationship" dies or turns sour or goes on hiatus for along time when one party either suddenly changes the rules and the other doesn't like it, when one party stops giving and starts asking, or when one person stops letting the other walk all over them, etc. In this case I don't know enough about your life, his life, or your relationship. Whatever reason it's to serve some deep seeded psychological issue he has. I mean, from what you described he treated you poorly. And while it's immature and painful to not get something back from someone, you should delete, trash, remove, and destroy all pictures and stuff from the relationship. Maybe he feels powerless in his family and his dating pattern will reflect attempts at controlling. Maybe there was a traumatic event or abuse in his childhood and he picks someone he can manipulate or who accepts terrible behavior. Maybe he's shame based and he doesn't want to feel like he's made a mistake. Honestly - the answer doesn't matter in the short-term as much as your ego demands answers. Accept that you're the "bad guy" to him and that 1. It doesn't matter 2. You're not a bad person. 3. It wasn't your fault 4. You've learned some valuable lessons that some people at 30, 40, 60 still make. 

[Whatever2345]

48 minutes ago, scooby-philly said:

You have to understand - the outside you see in people doesn't equate to the internal reality of them. And in my own recovery in the past few months I've come across a great meme that I have saved. "Sometimes, you have to accept the fact that you are the villain in someone's story". Now, on one level that's true because we all make mistakes in life. But leaving that aside, it's also true on another level. When it comes to relationships, friendships, even relationships we have with family members, they can be times when that "relationship" dies or turns sour or goes on hiatus for along time when one party either suddenly changes the rules and the other doesn't like it, when one party stops giving and starts asking, or when one person stops letting the other walk all over them, etc. In this case I don't know enough about your life, his life, or your relationship. Whatever reason it's to serve some deep seeded psychological issue he has. I mean, from what you described he treated you poorly. And while it's immature and painful to not get something back from someone, you should delete, trash, remove, and destroy all pictures and stuff from the relationship. Maybe he feels powerless in his family and his dating pattern will reflect attempts at controlling. Maybe there was a traumatic event or abuse in his childhood and he picks someone he can manipulate or who accepts terrible behavior. Maybe he's shame based and he doesn't want to feel like he's made a mistake. Honestly - the answer doesn't matter in the short-term as much as your ego demands answers. Accept that you're the "bad guy" to him and that 1. It doesn't matter 2. You're not a bad person. 3. It wasn't your fault 4. You've learned some valuable lessons that some people at 30, 40, 60 still make. 

Ik thank you for this. It helps me. I just don’t know why he would keep one of the photos I gave him.He claims he threw it away when my friend asked him after the breakup.  I didn’t do anything bad to him idk why he would throw out my stuff. 

[Whatever2345]

I don’t know what I feel honestly he comes in my head sometimes at the most random moments it’s just really sad how he probably is not even thinking about me right now Like I don't know how to explain it like idk my ex's smile and his laugh pops up in my head sometimes and it just makes me smile. I want to move on and I want him to be happy

[manfrombelow2]

Thank you for sharing this with us. I have been where you are. I know it hurts a lot. 

[Rex12]

Hey OP, if you look at the time in months rather than days, you'll find that 145 days isn't an especially long time. 

Totally normal that you still think of your ex at this point. You're doing fine; no shame in feeling a little sad & hurt still. Just stick with NC and those memories won't have so much of a sting in the tail as time goes by.

[snowcones]

I understand.  I'm 8 months no contact and it still happens.  Sometimes I do really well for a long stretch and then certain things/events trigger it and I do badly for a while.  I'm in one of those bad spells at the moment, but I can already feel it getting better as the days go on.  This too shall pass.

[Silver_star]

You are not alone. I feel the same way and am still counting the non-contact days I have had with my ex, more for myself than anything, to prove I can get to a certain number. Until one day I forget I am counting all together and meet someone new. 
It is hard, especially when you are ruminating and replaying memories. All of this extra time at home is not serving me well. I got a new laptop to work from home and had to move photos over from my older laptop, and had all of our memories on there from trips, couples photos, it was just gut wrenching for me.

Especially during self isolation I am thinking of him and tempted to reach out to see how he is doing in his State.. There is no point though. Even in all this. We broke up for a reason. I feel pain knowing he won't contact me, maybe at times he has the urge to talk to me or has a memory but fact remains if he had wanted to change anything or wanted me in his life he would contact me. He would have done it long ago. It's been almost 10 months   Sorry about the pain you are going through. I am familiar with this pain just wanted to tell you that you are not weird for feeling this way. One day you will be over him. It just takes time and it takes finding a new connection with someone meant for you.

[Rex12]

Hey Silver Star, I'm not advocating reaching out to your ex. As you can see from my response to the OP I would stick with NC. 

BUT if you're still feeling a strong urge to contact him after 10 months then I would just go ahead and do it. For me, yes, there's still feelings floating around at this time, of course there are, the urge to contact though has usually been dampened. If it hasn't, then you probably need to deal with it head on & get it out of the way.

It's likely you'll receive either silence, a closed response or maybe even some breadcrumbing for a day or two as you're stroking his ego.

You know it's a shot to nothing. Forget pride for a moment, this is about your LONG TERM mental health & moving forward. Reverse engineer your mind, short term pain for long term gain. Have a blase mindset, knowing that whatever happens, the penny drops real quick that he's just not into you anymore. 

Sure, you may regret making the contact and feel hurt, but guess what? Not for long & not as badly as you would imagine. You can genuinely start to move on as you've had that final confirmation.

Just my take on it;  you & others may disagree, but I've found myself in your position and it worked for me. Whatever you decide to do or don't do, I wish you luck.

[Beachead]

@Whatever2345

On 3/17/2020 at 9:56 PM, Whatever2345 said:

I don’t know what I feel honestly he comes in my head sometimes at the most random moments it’s just really sad how he probably is not even thinking about me right now Like I don't know how to explain it like idk my ex's smile and his laugh pops up in my head sometimes and it just makes me smile. I want to move on and I want him to be happy

Don't rush yourself.  Don't put deadlines on yourself.  Don't worry about the time. 

145 days is just about 5 months which is still relatively fresh.  Grief and healing is slow.  There's no timeline with these things.  You are not supposed get better and feel a particular way by a certain period of time.  You are not supposed to feel a certain way just because others think you should or because you think you should.    How you feel, where you are in your stage of grief and how much you've healed,  depends on a lot of factors OP.  To name a few..how long the relationship was, how strong the connection was.  It also depends what degree that relationship meant in your overall life, which depends on you, your insecurities, your confidence in yourself and what your life was like before the relationship.  There are many reasons that impact the time it takes to heal.  

You haven't considered doing so, start writing.  Here are some questions to help you along the way:

1. What is it you immediately feel?
2. What is it you miss about him and why do you miss it?  
3. Why did the relationship end?
4. What were things he did that contributed to the end.
5. What were thing you did that contributed to the end.  
6. What now?  Cry as you might, regret, sulk, and/or feel sorry for yourself as you might, its not coming back.  So how do you proceed forward?  Are you more than his girlfriend?  Are you more than this relationship?  What do you want for yourself that has nothing to do with him or that relationship?  What do you want to accomplish?  What do you want for your life and your future?
7. Based on question 6, What can you begin to do this month to get started on that path?  What goals do you need to set, short-term, intermediate-term, long-term.  (Get Specific)

Getting through breakups is purely internal work. 

It's about letting your feel what you have to feel  so that you can understand what's there, process it, and release it.  At the same time, its accepting what you can't control (The breakup) and focusing on what you can (Yourself).   Doing so, puts control back into your hands, and takes the hopelessness little by little.  Every little thing you add to your post-breakup life, will serve to help you heal and will make that process easier and easier.

Ex.  If a goal of yours is drop a few pounds and pack some muscle on and you focus on doing that..the process of getting there will help you heal.  When you see the results of your hard work, you'll feel proud of yourself. You'll gain a little confidence.  You'll realize you can do things if you put the work in.  It makes you feel in control.  You might even meet new people at the gym.  All of this will serve to help you through your grief.

Ex 2.  If a goal of yours is to get your MBA...the process of getting there and especially the results of that hard work will serve to heal you.  When you learn the material and you are able to help your classmates.  When you do well on your exams.  You feel good.  Confident.  Accomplished.  In control.  In this process, it might open up other doors of opportunity, including if you ideas for the next step of your life, which you may otherwise not have thought about, had you not attempted to go down this route.

In the end, its you who has to get the wheels rolling, by showing yourself love, investing in yourself and doing right by yourself, so that when you start bringing the results, these things will all help you in your journey to heal yourself into a better version of you.  By then, you'll feel good, strong, positive. Confident.  And it'll show in your attitude.  People will notice it, admire it.  Feel attracted to it.  But don't do it for them, do it for you.  Just focus on you and things will fall into place.

-Beach

 

 

Edited March 23, 2020 by Beachead

[preraph]

Do not reach out to your ex!  It's a terrible idea.  Then what you have is more of the same, plus feeling like you got desperate and humiliated yourself and lost ALL your pride.  You'll feel better about this in the long run if you walk away with your dignity!  It's awful to look back and realize how things weren't right but that you clung to it anyway with no standards or pride.  Even if you're not feeling it, do the right thing.  

[Silver_star]

6 hours ago, Rex12 said:

Hey Silver Star, I'm not advocating reaching out to your ex. As you can see from my response to the OP I would stick with NC. 

BUT if you're still feeling a strong urge to contact him after 10 months then I would just go ahead and do it. For me, yes, there's still feelings floating around at this time, of course there are, the urge to contact though has usually been dampened. If it hasn't, then you probably need to deal with it head on & get it out of the way.

It's likely you'll receive either silence, a closed response or maybe even some breadcrumbing for a day or two as you're stroking his ego.

You know it's a shot to nothing. Forget pride for a moment, this is about your LONG TERM mental health & moving forward. Reverse engineer your mind, short term pain for long term gain. Have a blase mindset, knowing that whatever happens, the penny drops real quick that he's just not into you anymore. 

Sure, you may regret making the contact and feel hurt, but guess what? Not for long & not as badly as you would imagine. You can genuinely start to move on as you've had that final confirmation.

Just my take on it;  you & others may disagree, but I've found myself in your position and it worked for me. Whatever you decide to do or don't do, I wish you luck.

As tempting as your advice is..I have to disagree in my situation.

Our break up happened 10 months ago. Ended in heartbreak because he moved out of state and didn't want to close the distance between us or commit to a future. The feelings of abandonment that this stirred up in me have been emotionally hard to work through and I have had to consult with a therapist on a couple occasions of overwhelm. Time has made me process things better, and I realize that contacting him would set me back in healing and letting go of the past.

I have been less than 100 days of no contact. Maybe around 75 days. The reason why I need to stick to NC is because the last time I reached out to see how he was doing to check in on him in January...it got me no further ahead in moving on, it made me feel no better about myself, and It gave me no sense of power. His texts were detached, as if I were a former roommate or colleague, and that hurt but its reality, that we just don't know each other anymore.  I don't want to try to keep someone in my life who doesn't feel losing me is a huge loss to them. I am better than that. It was pointless conversation more or less, so my advice to most situations would be to NOT contact them, for your mental health. Its a practice of staying in the present and not going into the past too much. He was not an old roommate or friend of mine..he was someone I loved very much and to now be treated as if I am nothing just hurts more.

Don't reach out. There is nothing to be gained to going back to what broke you.

[Whatever2345]

I just wanted to share what I’ve been going through I have not texted him and he has not texted me (even though I blocked him he knows where I am he can text me make a new account etc). I saw this dumbass video on YouTube that just because your ex does not text you during this virus doesn’t mean he does not care. Like what the f***. That’s absolutely what it f***ing means. I see people that had bad breakups and ex’s still text them that’s only if they care. Mine couldn’t give a s*** if I died. HE DOES NOT LIKE ME. Ever since he left for the military he gave me a big f*** you I hate you kill yourself for all I care ( probably what he’s thinking)blocked me unblocked me then blocked me again he has not texted me on thanksgiving Christmas ( he could’ve seen me  the weeks he had of during Christmas))New Year’s Eve day valentines st patricks or my birthday that was Monday he simply does not give a s*** about me if he did he wouldve texted by now  I did nothing bad to him. Matter of fact I spoiled him to death. Gave him gifts letters etc. was not enough. He got out of basic ghosted dumped me blocked me never looked back. I texted his mom how she was I have not texted her since December she said she’s fine and she asked me how I was doing I told her the virus is near me and was near me because it was at my job when I got my last paycheck because I quit. She says she’s more worried about me than I am of her. One of my other ex’s said he’s waiting for a good time to give an explanation because that’s what he did to me f*** THAT. 5 months they would’ve done something by now.  FOR s*** SAKE THEYRE QUARANTINED IF THEY GAVE A RATS ASS ABOUT YOU THEY WOULDVE TEXTED. IF THEY HAVENT THEY DO NOT. STOP LOOKING FOR EXCUSES TO TEXT THEM. THEY DONT CARE ABOUT  YOU  IF YOURE DEAD OR ALIVE. THEYRE NOT INTO YOU MOVE ON. . harsh but someone had to say it. 

Edited March 27, 2020 by Whatever2345

[Realitysux]

I'm so sorry! But it doesn't take the coronavirus to make you realize you do or do not care for someone. If someone wasn't into you before the virus, they aren't into you during the virus! I'm very sorry .. 

[Whatever2345]

Its ok 

[Whatever2345]

51 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I'm so sorry! But it doesn't take the coronavirus to make you realize you do or do not care for someone. If someone wasn't into you before the virus, they aren't into you during the virus! I'm very sorry .. 

It’s ok

[Whatever2345]

My grandma wanted to see him in his military uniform and low and behold I saw a picture of us. The only reason why it came up because I was asking his mom if she was okay and I was telling my grandma about it. I have not once so ever. Looked at his Facebook for 5 months no contact only that once and I find out he still has that one picture that’s what I didn’t want to find out in the first place. Because if he removed it he never gave a f*** about me. If he kept it it will leave me to how I am thinking right now. I know myself well I accidentally slid up and saw that he still has it. I wish I knew before no contact if he was still into me because he still had them up. Now I am not even going to text him because after 5 months that will be extremely weird I don’t care what people say about a good memory or good past memory if I don’t like that person I will delete them and never looks back. Maybe that’s me but still. Why do you have your ex’s photos on your fb and don’t say because of past good memories that’s some bulls***. You’d still leave them in the past and move on. It’s been 5 months an now I’m mad at myself because I can’t say anything about it. 

[preraph]

Because he wants other people to think he can get women. 

It could also be that he just happens to like that photo of himself. I have a lot of photos that I only have up because I like how I look at it not because of who I'm with.

Edited March 28, 2020 by preraph