foolandahalf95 Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 I haven't actually gone on a date in about 2 years, and I worked up the nerve to finally ask out a girl I've been crushing on for about 8 months. But my head got in the way I'm pretty sure. The way I've seen it, I always felt like she was more into my friend. He's naturally much more charming and flirtatious than I am and they have a playful banter. Around me, she's more soft spoken and quiet. I'm pretty timid and distant, to be fair. We work together. When I asked her out, she said she would like to get to know her co workers more. This threw me off. So I figured she wanted a more casual outing. It felt like she was only saying yes because she didn't want to hurt my feelings and make things awkward. A part of me wanted to get out of it. Given the rising threat of the COVID-19 virus, I told her if she wanted to cancel she could, but she assured me a little excitedly that she still wanted to meet. So I felt a bit more reassured. First thing I definitely did wrong, was show up late. She lives in the city whereas I live further on the outskirts and did not judge for time very well. She looked a little uncomfortable, and I'm very sensitive to that, so I didn't want to get to bold or anything. But she started to complain a bit about her living situation. Not in a bratty way though. She's a singer and she shares a one bedroom apartment with I think 3 other girls. I'm also into music, and have a solid recording setup. I'm more experienced in the field than she is, and she said she didn't like having to record in her closet as she found it depressing. I didn't think of it at the time, but did she want me to invite her to my place? I'm more of a producer. She said she doesn't really have time and doesn't know enough to produce her own music and ends up buy pre composed beats. I think she wanted me to help her. But I did no such thing. She looked unimpressed. I mean, I went home, thinking it didn't go well because she likes my friend. But if that was true, why did she agree to meet with me? Why did she not back out when I gave her the opportunity to do so? Am I reading into this too much? Or am I a complete and total fool? Be brutally honest with me. I can take it.
preraph Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 I mean it's natural for musicians to be interested in talking to other musicians about music. I think she would have been drilling you a lot more about your recording setup and showing you that she was super interested about that if that was really the only thing on her mind. Other than that were there any flirtatious moments? I guess all you could do is ask her out on a real date next and start acting like you will go physical in small ways such as small touches and kissing her goodnight at the end of it so she knows that's what you are interested in. And then if she's not then it was probably just an interest in you since you're interested in music.
Author foolandahalf95 Posted March 17, 2020 Author Posted March 17, 2020 That's the thing, if she really wanted me to just help her, she would have asked. But maybe she was hinting at it because she wanted me to make the offer myself? We were talking music for most of the time.
Mrin Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 A few thoughts: 1. It is never too late to reach out and say, "hey, I have a pretty good recording setup at my place. How about you swing by and we'll have an apocalyptic recording session. Never know, we might never get this chance again. I'll make dinner. You bring your voice." 2. How was the conversation otherwise? Was it flowing and easy? Was she laughing and having a good time? 2
Ami1uwant Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 I can understand concern if she wants to use you because you do music production. how was conversation flow?
Sinful Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 What makes you think the date went bad? And why do you say it was unsuccessful? What were your expectations?
manfrombelow2 Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 First thing first: You asked a co-worker out with romantic intent. That's a bad move. Workplace romance is bad because it is. By asking a co-worker out, you are communicating you don't have many romantic options in your personal life, hence you are seeking it in the workplace. Secondly, workplace romance is a mess. If you fortunately "have" her, it's hard to maintain professionalism during work hours. If you fail, you'll become the scapegoat for workplace gossip. All this pressure eventually will force either of you to quit. It's a mess. Back to the point: So you asked her out. That's good. You have balls. But you read too much into her words. 1st dates are supposed to be fun and relaxing and all. But you didn't seem to relax that much. You were so tensed. You were not in your center. Based on your input of data, I can't see why you deemed it an "unsuccesful first date". Maybe you did it out of insecurity. You let your insecure got the better of you and this is only the 1st date. How are you going to be able to deal with the upcoming dates (if any)? My advice is, you should date multiple women so you won't get stuck at a particular one. That's called "one-itis". Look it up. But hey, if I were you, I'd leave the co-worker alone and find romance elsewhere. 4 1
Fletch Lives Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 Good post above by thaygiaogiang I'll add this: Sometimes women will go out with a man because they have nothing else better to do, or don't have another option at the time. 1
manfrombelow2 Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 2 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: Good post above by thaygiaogiang I'll add this: Sometimes women will go out with a man because they have nothing else better to do, or don't have another option at the time. They will go out because: 1- Why not? 2- Free food
Author foolandahalf95 Posted March 17, 2020 Author Posted March 17, 2020 (edited) The conversation didn't go very smoothly. We were both kind of tense. I reached out to her saying that if she ever wants my help I am happy to do so. But she hasn't responded. I think that's it. Better to move on now, right? I just need to date more, you're right. Also I didn't actually specify it was a date, just asked her to have lunch with me. She's pretty social so I don't really know if she thought it was a date. I call it unsuccessful, because I did not feel like any romantic sparks were there. Not expecting to have taken her back to my place or have sex or anything, I just didn't feel like it was going to lead to a 2nd date. It just bums me out because I really like her. Edited March 17, 2020 by foolandahalf95
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 With everything else that is going on in the world right now I think trying to read somebody you don't know very well is an exercise in futility. You don't know what she's thinking about . . .possibly about being quarantined in a 1BR apartment with 3 other people. She did want you to offer to help her. As you described it the whole thing sounded like a failed business meeting rather then a date. Do keep in touch. See what happens when the world simmers down. 2
manfrombelow2 Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 13 minutes ago, foolandahalf95 said: The conversation didn't go very smoothly. We were both kind of tense. I reached out to her saying that if she ever wants my help I am happy to do so. But she hasn't responded. I think that's it. Better to move on now, right? I just need to date more, you're right. Also I didn't actually specify it was a date, just asked her to have lunch with me. She's pretty social so I don't really know if she thought it was a date. I call it unsuccessful, because I did not feel like any romantic sparks were there. Not expecting to have taken her back to my place or have sex or anything, I just didn't feel like it was going to lead to a 2nd date. It just bums me out because I really like her. Next time please no lunch dates. "Lunches" are for male butlers and female friends, not for guys who are looking to create a romantic & sexual spark with the woman.
ChatroomHero Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 14 hours ago, Mrin said: A few thoughts: 1. It is never too late to reach out and say, "hey, I have a pretty good recording setup at my place. How about you swing by and we'll have an apocalyptic recording session. Never know, we might never get this chance again. I'll make dinner. You bring your voice." 2. How was the conversation otherwise? Was it flowing and easy? Was she laughing and having a good time? OP could definitely do something along these lines. I would say, "Hey, I was just thinking about you mentioning you don't like recording at your place. If you want to record at mine, let me know and we'll set it up". If she responds that she is interested in that, you have another chance. If she kind of passes it over, I would say low interest.
simpycurious Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 Unsuccessful because there was no connection? I think you handled yourself ok (aside from being late). Just be cordial to her when you see her and move forward.
Author foolandahalf95 Posted March 17, 2020 Author Posted March 17, 2020 (edited) Honestly I don't think inviting her over to my place is a good idea right now. Not with this state of emergency in effect. I would love it if she did, but she thanked me for offering her help. IDK. Either she really wants me to be completely open about my feelings for her before she does anything or I'm reading into it too much. Like do I have to make the plans? I guess I do, don't I. It would have to be over skype or smth. Edited March 17, 2020 by foolandahalf95
Sinful Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 14 hours ago, foolandahalf95 said: The conversation didn't go very smoothly. We were both kind of tense. I reached out to her saying that if she ever wants my help I am happy to do so. But she hasn't responded. I think that's it. Better to move on now, right? I think part of your problem is in your approach and your confidence. What is that asking if she wants your help to reach out anytime?? It's like an inadvertent way of indirectly, sort of asking her out. If you want things to go somewhere you need to make yourself clear and establish the sexual attraction, invite her to come make a song with you in the studio one day. Make it fun so she's interested in it and you. And if you still have nervous tension when you're together in that environment then do something to break the ice. A little alcohol usually helps loosen everyone up. Maybe you find out her favorite glass of wine, or whatever you can think of. Now whether or not you can recover from the first lack luster date performance enough for her to accept the 2nd invite is another story. Especially after the non-response on that offer to "help".
smackie9 Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 IMO she saw opportunity to you to use your equipment (studio lol) and since you didn't get suckered into her plan she got disappointed. In no way was she interested in anything romantic...she threw out her line to see if you would bite when she complained about recording in a closet, etc. She's being an opportunist. There is also a possibility she is using you as a stepping stone to get to your friend. If your gut is feeling this, then there's a good chance this is what she is doing. 1
kendahke Posted March 18, 2020 Posted March 18, 2020 Does she know you're a music producer, or are you assuming she knows?
OnlyHonesty Posted March 19, 2020 Posted March 19, 2020 On 3/17/2020 at 12:40 AM, foolandahalf95 said: I'm also into music, and have a solid recording setup. I'm more experienced in the field than she is, and she said she didn't like having to record in her closet as she found it depressing. I didn't think of it at the time, but did she want me to invite her to my place? I'm more of a producer. She said she doesn't really have time and doesn't know enough to produce her own music and ends up buy pre composed beats. I think she wanted me to help her. She's done nothing to earn such help. Men need to stop helping women just because they were born female. In life, people need to earn everything. And furthermore, she would only see you as a sucker if you did help her anyway. If that was a guy, would you have invited him over, and spent hours helping him with his music? Most wouldn't, though there may be exceptions. People do not respect what they have not earned... 1
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