Not sure if it is me, or my ex with the issues?

[lea123]

This is long. However, I’m in need of some advice. I (32 years old) met my (now) boyfriend (43 years old) on July 15th, 2019 (name-Tom).

He was married, and I was at the end of a relationship with his friend(name-Mike). The “relationship” I was in with Mike was very, very toxic in so many ways, and only lasted two months.

During this relationship, I was drinking a lot and didn’t make the best decisions. Tom came to my apartment to help Mike, and I move a couch in, and instantly I felt connected to Tom. I had a lot of issues with Mike, and we were at the end of our relationship, but it wasn’t officially over just yet.

Tom and I started secretly talking, ended up being intimate, and Mike found out. I felt very guilty because they were friends, so I wasn’t proud of breaking up a friendship. After that, there was an issue with Mike, where I asked Tom to help me get him out of my apartment. Tom got him out by calling the police on him, but then a day later, I allowed Mike to come back to my apartment, out of stupidity/guilt/and I don’t know what else!

When Mike came back, we were drinking and did some sexual things that should have never happened. I never told Tom about this because I was interested in him, me and Mike were pretty much over. I wanted to see where this situation would go with Tom and felt that if I disclosed this information to him, then it would ruin everything, and there was something that drew me to him that I wanted to know more about. July 21st, Mike and I got into a car accident, I ended the relationship and never saw him ever again.

So within one week of knowing Tom, Mike and I were completely done. Time went on, and Tom and I continued talking/hanging out. He was married, living with his wife and teenage daughter at the time and would come to my house in the middle of the night, pretty much at his convenience.

Well, his wife eventually found out and would show up at my apartment, and at first, I would cover for Tom, but then everything was out in the open. Tom explained to me their marriage has been over, they were not intimate, and he has wanted a divorce. Well, in August, he took his wife and daughter on vacation, and then when he got back, he moved in with me.

I was in love with Tom, but deep down inside felt guilty because of how we started our relationship. We grew closer and closer, Tom maintained a relationship with his daughter by seeing her daily at the house he shared with his wife, and I thought things were going in the right direction.

At the end of August, I had my friend and her boyfriend over (who is significantly younger than me- both 23). I’ve known her and her boyfriend since they were 19 years old, as I’ve worked with her for years. I basically look at them like they are kids.

Well, they came over, we were drinking and talking, and I had “too much to drink” and was hanging on my friend’s boyfriend playing with his hair because it was long compared to the last time I saw it.

Now I do not look at my friends boyfriend in that way at all and by no means did I mean to be flirty by doing so, however, after the fact my boyfriend expressed how uncomfortable that made him, said it was gross to behave like that and was convinced I had a thing for this kid. I explained and apologized up and down, but it has been an ongoing issue in our relationship.

Fast forward to the end of July; we went out for my co-workers going away party. We went to a bar, and I introduced my boyfriend to all of my co-workers, who are mainly men. When I walked in, I was like, “this is the love of my life! Isn’t he cute!?” I talked with certain co-workers for a little while, then went off with my other co-worker who knew the bartender and was getting cheap drinks.

I left my boyfriend to talk to the co-workers we were originally talking to and was walking around the bar, talking to all my different co-workers. My boyfriend was very upset about this because he felt like I left him and I should have stayed by him. He thought I was flirting. However, I tried to explain to him that my co-workers and I have been working together for almost seven years, never had any inappropriate relationships, and we are just friends.

This has also been an ongoing issue in our relationship. September, I ended up getting pregnant. My boyfriend and I moved into a new apartment together, I was pregnant, and everything felt like it was falling into place. However, these issues were coming up with every argument/ disagreement we had.

I constantly tried to reassure him, but he couldn’t understand why those things happened in the first place. Explaining to him that it wasn’t meant in a flirty way wasn’t enough for him. In order to make him feel more comfortable, I changed my phone number, deleted social media, only spent my time with him.

I do not have any guy friends or speak to any men or anything like that. In November, he decided to file for divorce. He didn’t seem like he was very interested in getting a divorce, but he did file. During the months of September – December, things were okay; we had plenty of arguments because he was constantly on the watch to see if I was doing anything behind his back, which I wasn’t.

He would unrealistically accuse me of liking men, check my phone, my internet history; nothing was ever going on. And during these months, the issues I discussed in the very beginning would constantly come up, and we would argue about them.

Christmas time came, and he was working and wanted to see his daughter after work. He was upset when he came home from work because his daughter wasn’t home to visit, so he told me she told me to leave him alone, and kind of got mad at me. I left him alone, then his daughter called, said she was home, and he went to go see her.

He came back around 6:30-7 PM at night and was acting nice, but I was kind of upset because I was left alone at Christmas. He started expressing to me how he felt he wasn’t there enough for his daughter, and he felt guilty because he left their house.

This left me feeling confused because I felt he was ready to leave, ready to move on from that relationship that he told me was not a good relationship, and he wanted out for a while. Then in January – February, he started questioning me about more things. He ended up calling Mike (which whom we both haven’t spoken to in months – since July). Mike told him about the first week we broke up (which I mentioned above) – how I had Mike back at my house the first few days I met Tom.

Tom ended up getting really upset about that saying this whole relationship was a lie because I didn’t tell him about that first week. He seemed like he wanted to break up (like he has many times) but ended up staying. Then he started putting recorders around my house.

He first put a recorder in our apartment and listened to me and my mother talking on the phone about him, and I was venting because I was really stressed out over all the stuff that was going on. He confronted me saying I was bashing him, and if you love someone, you don’t talk about them.

I tried to express to him that I was talking to someone I trusted, and I do love him, but things have been really stressful, and I needed to vent. The second recorder he put was in my purse; the bottom of my purse, while I was at work. I was talking to my co-worker, who is a good friend of mine (she is a female), and she was telling me about this guy she was dating.

She told me about their sex life, and so on the recording, I asked how everything was going with him and her, and she was saying how she loved his “package,” and my comment was “I know it’s perfect literally” I said this because she describer the things they’ve done in the past, but never have I witnessed or seen anything myself

So I made a stupid comment, he heard it and automatically assumed I was sleeping with the guy or some craziness like that. I apologized over and over again and tried to move past this, but he packed all of his stuff and moved back into his wife’s house.

Then a day later, he came to my apartment and moved his stuff back in; however, he was back and forth with whether he wanted to stay or go. Over the course of 2 weeks, he couldn’t make a decision, kept telling me we weren’t going to work out, and then the last straw was him putting another recording in my house.

Again I was talking to my mom on the phone telling her I smoked a cigarette because I was so stressed out with everything going on (mind you – I am 6 months pregnant), and he heard that and lost it. He packed all his stuff again, and he left for good. He moved back into his wife’s house and has been there ever since. Since then, he’s been back and forth to my house, coming to see me, sleeping with me, but telling me he will never trust me, and we will not be getting back together.

I started seeing a therapist because this whole situation has got me so stressed and confused, and I do not know which direction to take this at this point.

The other day, I had two friends over and was telling them about everything going on, and then they left, and he came over and had ANOTHER recording of me talking to my friends, venting to them, and telling them about how this therapist said this might be a form of domestic abuse (I don’t know if it is).

He called me and flipped out, saying we are completely done. Any advice would be appreciated because at this point I don’t even know what is going on anymore. Sorry for the long post.

[FMW]

You should focus on your unborn child, and try to limit your stress.  So some distance from Tom would be a good thing.  

Tom doesn't trust you, most likely, because (1) he cheated on his wife and cheaters are paranoid everyone else is also a cheater, (2) you got involved with him while still with his friend, so he knows you are capable of cheating, (3) you are apparently very flirty and that just magnifies 1 and 2 in his mind.  

Tom needs to figure out what he's going to do with his situation with his wife and daughter, and you need to figure out what you're going to do with your own situation.  You're going to have a child soon that will depend on you to have good judgment and to do what's in their best interest.

I think a timeout from your interactions with Tom is in order.  When you're able to talk to each other calmly you need to decide how you will co-parent your child.  As far as the two of you being a couple, that doesn't sound like a very good idea at the moment.  Go over your place thoroughly and remove any other recorders you find and keep Tom out of your home until things settle down.     

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, lea123 said:

Any advice would be appreciated because at this point I don’t even know what is going on anymore.

1.  Stop drinking. You make really bad decisions when you do.

2. Get the locks changed

3. Sweep your place for any and all recording devices. Turn the place upside down and find them. Keep your purse away from him. Lock it up somewhere. Keep your phone locked at all times--that's where he's going next to put a tracker on it.

4. Get a good attorney and get ready to go to court to get the child support/custody stuff nailed down. Life ain't going to be what you thought it was going to be when you conceived the child.

5. Stop allowing someone who doesn't trust you in your home and worse, in your bed.

6.. Make better choices.

7. Make better choices about who you flirt with. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. You might not have a thing for that younger guy you were flirting with and hanging all over while drinking, but from the outside, it's not a cute look for someone your age.  If you were that guy's girlfriend, how would it have made you feel to see some "old enough to know better" woman hanging drunkenly off your boyfriend, playing with his hair and flirting with him in front of you like she didn't care you were there? You owe her an apology for how you acted.

8. You've blown it with Tom. Not that he's a prize for not cleaning up his marital mess before jumping into bed and creating a whole 'nother human being with you and now is bed hopping between you and his wife. Ugh! And social distancing being what life is now, god only knows what's going between you and his wife. Are you two using condoms now that he's back and forth?

9. The guilty make the most noise--and Tom's guilt about how he's trashed his family is what's got him on high dudgeon with you. He's got no room to be punishing you when he's got to drag the state in to deal with his colossal mess.

[kendahke]

and check your state's laws on recording conversations---in some states, if one of the parties knows they're being recorded, it's legal.  However, it's illegal if none of you knew. Only he knew and he wasn't a part of the conversation. Discuss that with a lawyer.

[ExpatInItaly]

Agreed, you need to speak to a lawyer right away. You will need a formal agreement in place regarding Tom's rights to the child, and to find out what you can about about these secret recordings he's been making. 

This man is an unhinged jerk, yes, but there is a serious lack of boundaries and maturity on both sides here. You are not making good decisions and don't seem to have a healthy concept of love or self-respect. The drinking? You need to stop. You are a problem drinker. Please, talk to you therapist about this as well so you don't resume your habits after the baby arrives (I assume you have stopped since learning you are pregnant?) 

Tom is not going to be your Happily Ever After, and he never was. He's an extremely poor candidate for anything long-term or serious, so I hope you're able to see this. You won't be growing old with him. The problem is that you might wind up choosing another chump like him if you don't get to the bottom of why you don't have better standards for yourself and the men you let in your life.