GF Suddenly Living With Me, No Time for Me

[thefooloftheyear]

I truly believe that some people(probably moreso men, IME than women but I dunno,) just don't like cohabitating all the time with someone else...They need to have time alone...That doesn't make them undateable/damaged goods or anything, but then those people need to find someone that feels the same way about it, and is willing to be on the same page...Whether that's true for the OP, I cant say, but in general women like to "nest" so for a lot of guys this becomes a sticking point in a relationship....One of the main reasons a lot of married guys create "man caves" or spend much of their free time in the garage tinkering with stuff away from women/kids is for this very reason....Other guys are content to want to be around their wives/gf's constantly will shop with them or sit around watching TV for hours with them, etc...

I think the advise already given is sound..You need to tell her bluntly how you feel about this issue...And be prepared for her to not like it or get upset....It sounds like she wants to play house, so I think you will have some issues there...

At the end of the day, there is not much unreasonable about what you want/need, and your situation isn't rare, the only part  that's the issue now is if she's compliant with it....If not, it may be a problem moving forward...Not all women like or tolerate that behavior from their men..

Good luck

TFY

 

[chillii]

l think you did another thread about moving in with her yeah ?

Well your trying it , even if she isn't properly in , just as well maybe , and the job. lt all takes time and adjusting butttt, l guess your finding out your answer trying it now. So l suppose if you can't work it out with her or stand it , or the regular job , at least you'll know and have a better idea about where you wanna go with things and your gf , from there,

 

[JTSW]

On 3/16/2020 at 11:49 AM, skanzer said:

One other possibly important note: I pay the ENTIRE rent

There's you answer.

Tell her you can't afford the rent and upkeep of two people right now.

[smackie9]

Dude if you want this relationship for the long haul, you both have to learn to communicate...but with honesty and care. Time to lay out your expectations and suggest if any one of you need something, then simply talk about it right then.

[spiderowl]

If you are unhappy with this situation, you need to tell her you need more time apart. She may be offended or hurt but that’s the way it is. She can then choose whether the relationship suits her needs or not. 
 

It sounds like you would struggle to cope with a committed relationship. Maybe you need a more independent woman, someone who is not looking to move in or for serious commitment. 

[scooby-philly]

On 3/16/2020 at 5:37 PM, basil67 said:

I'm in the same line of thought as @RubySlippers:  What future do you want with her?  Or indeed, any woman?   Because most relationships have an end goal of marriage/or living together.  If you can't cope with sharing your house with her full time, then either it's a sign of one of two things:

1. She's not the one.  It's time to rethink the relationship so as not to string her along and waste her years

or 2. You're not cut out for living together and girlfriends need to know that co-habitation is not in your future.

And yes, going backwards (at least in her eyes) could (should) be something she will have a long hard look at.   Think about what you're cut out for long term before you act.

@basil67 - I usually find your input valuable - on my threads and others', but this sounds like some bad personal experience in your life coming out as quasi level -headed judgment of him and his life and very shaming. Everyone has a different set of needs. He has spoken politely and nicely about her and expressed his love for her and the fact that he doesn't want to lose her - he just needs a little bit of space. They could both probably work a little bit on their communication and he definitely needs to consider the cultural angle on how she behaves, what she does, and also her familial upbringing and what her parents and family are like. 28 in many Asian cultures for people with traditional mindset is consider "old" for women who are not married. So he does need to think about all of that. But his desire is not either the #1 or #2 you described. It can easily be #3 - they're a good couple that just needs to open up more and understand each other and have a serious talk about things. We also need to understand if he's had a relationship this serious before and ever lived with anyone as well - which for any person, takes some adjustment too.

@skanzer - This seems like the classic boiling Frog scenario. You put a frog into boiling water and it will jump out. You put it in luke warm water and slowly turn the heat up, it will not notice the slow, subtle change till it's too late. Yes, you do need to be careful about becoming passive aggressive. Funny, the roles are very reverse from a typical "Western" or American perspective at least. Here we joke about women expecting men to read their minds. Now the roles have reversed for you and your gf. As others have said while you are saying x you don't really mean x, you mean y. She's not a mind reader. Furthermore, you fond yourself in a situation where YOU BOTH let it progress to a point where she's "technically" living with you but you never had the discussion about it. So you're current situation is 50% your fault - both the suffocation as well as the situation with the rent. I don't know Asian cultures that well - but even Japanese culture dictates that she SHOULD be paying half of the rent if she's spending all of her time with you, you never officially "moved in" together - and I doubt that Japanese culture is like that....so in terms of the monetary situation, you need to talk and sort through all of this TOGETHER.  (Happy to be wrong, btw, if it is expected she should be paying without having the "moving in" discussion. Even then, you cannot assume nor get angry at someone if you allow x,y,z behavior).

A question/comment for you. I'm an 38M American. My last relationship was with a 24 yr old F who's parents are immigrants from Vietnam (came over in their early to mid 20's). I learned a hard lesson and had my heart broken - while she was probably in love with me for a time, she has very poor self-esteem, her parents were very unsociable, controlling, shaming, bitter, and isolated people. I think part of her dating me (and her view of the age gap - if subconscious) - was that she was simply looking for a "way out" of her situation and somehow expected me to somehow magically change her life without her doing any work. Or....to relieve the boredom and shame she had over her life, her family, their socioeconomic status, etc. And because of her self-esteem issues and her abandonment issues, several times she threatened abandonment or self-harm when we argued (of course, me being stupid stayed around)....because she could not threaten and run away from her parents. So - considering your GF is 28 and was still living at home - is there a cultural and/or familial thing in play. Is she hesitant to be home too much because she feels SUFFOCATED there? I'm not saying that's true. But it's worth considering. A lot of women, even living at home, wouldn't just slowly move in with someone without talking about it.

Just some thoughts. Keep us posted OP.

[FMW]

I don't think it's necessarily that the OP isn't cut out for living with anyone EVER.  Maybe feeling suffocated comes from feeling like he didn't really get to actively choose the situation, it just passively happened.  She slowly spent more and more time at his place and started taking over the drawers in his bathroom and taking more and more space in his closet.  That probably works out fine for many people, but the way it happened isn't sitting well with OP.  

[jspice]

I think anyone who is putting this on you is wrong. 
She’s 100% wrong for just moving in. And yes, she’s moved in. 
 

you shouldn’t have to explain why it’s not ok for her just to suddenly be there. That’s never OK. You didn’t discuss it. 
 

I also think it’s weird that she lives with her parents but they’re ok with her just moving in with you? 
 

There’s nothing wrong with you needing your space. It’s uncomfortable but you need to talk about it with her. If the relationship is going to progress you need to be able to have your needs met too. 
 

 

[manfrombelow2]

It's not OP's fault for wanting to keep enjoying his alone time. Any guy who has been in the same lifestyle knows how good it feels to be alone just for the sake of being alone.

But it's OP's fault for FAILING TO COMMUNICATE at the early days that he is not ready to have someone waiting for him at his place EVERY night. You're the man. Open  your mouth and communicate what you want.

About the girl, it's not her fault that she loves you sooo much that she wants to be with you always. That's feminine energy right there. When a woman's interest level in you is high enough, she automatically wants to bond and connect more and more and more with her man. That's typical femine behaviour when she's in love. You should not take it for granted, just a reminder.

If you love her and want to maintain this relationship, talk to her in the most loving and calm tone possible that you think it's for the best that the two of you should take things "slower" by her not staying every night anymore, but only on weekends. This is your only solution for the matter.

Edited March 18, 2020 by thaygiaogiang

[manfrombelow2]

Any guy who has ever been living in solitary knows the value of this kind of lifestyle. It gives you a kind of inner peace that cannot be replicated by anyone, and I mean everyone but yourself.

[JTSW]

9 hours ago, jspice said:

She’s 100% wrong for just moving in. And yes, she’s moved in. 

I agree. She cant just move herself in without discussing it with him.

[manfrombelow2]

23 minutes ago, JTSW said:

I agree. She cant just move herself in without discussing it with him.

Does she have to discuss it with him before falling in love with him and giving him eye-rolled BJ also?

[JTSW]

Just now, thaygiaogiang said:

Does she have to discuss it with him before falling in love with him and giving him eye-rolled BJ also?

What? 

There is a huge difference between those things and physically moving in without his permission.

[jspice]

1 hour ago, thaygiaogiang said:

Does she have to discuss it with him before falling in love with him and giving him eye-rolled BJ also?

So you’d be ok if a girlfriend just moved into your place uninvited and without contributing to rent or household expenses?

[manfrombelow2]

34 minutes ago, jspice said:

So you’d be ok if a girlfriend just moved into your place uninvited and without contributing to rent or household expenses?

No I'm not that's why I'd open my mouth and communicate about it in the very first place.

[simpycurious]

13 hours ago, JTSW said:

I agree. She cant just move herself in without discussing it with him.

That's what front gates are for to prevent bold moves like this.  If she's remotely Cray Cray don't give her the CODE