skanzer Posted March 16, 2020 Posted March 16, 2020 (edited) Hi all, I've posted some topics on this forum, before, wanted some advice on a new situation. I'm from USA and just started work in Tokyo. Before that I was working online traveling the world as a freelancer, and spent most of my time in Japan anyways because I love it here. Essentially, I met my current GF in Japan 1 year ago and things are great. It started slow, she'd slowly start staying with me at my place but spent many days with her family too (she was living with her parents), so I felt I was in a great relationship but had time to just be alone too which I like. Fast forward, her sleeping over and staying over has become an EVERY night thing, and I suddenly feel suffocated and like I lost all my "me time". Also, before I got an official job in Tokyo, I was working from home anyways as a freelancer, so when she came over I'd have had the whole day to myself, and she'd come after she finished her work around 7pm. It wasn't a, let's plan to move in together type of thing, it started out as her living with her family, and slowly and more frequently coming over to stay with me, until it became every night. Note: i very much enjoy her company, so these times weren't stressful. This time around, after getting the new job, I go to work, come home, and she's always here, I never have time to vent, relax, and just be alone like I used to. I told her I feel stressed from the new job and transitioning from freelancing with so much free time to a 9 to 5 job, and need a little time to just clear my head, and her idea of giving me space was to leave on Friday night to her parents home then come back the NEXT day, not even a full day. After that, I tried to force myself to feel better, but it made me feel a bit resentful, because I really needed more time, and I think she knows this, but she came over so soon again. I know she loves me, but I feel she kind of knows something is up since I am more reserved than usual and seem more stressed out and explicitly told her. It's difficult for me to tell her AGAIN that I want space, and it annoyed me that the first time she "chose" to give me less than a day. I really value this relationship a lot and want to stay with her. I feel she doesn't want to go home because her parents might think something is wrong with the relationship if she stops staying with me for a bit, so I suddenly feel trapped, because also I don't want her parents to worry because I see them and they like me. Also, and I shouldn't say this, but I think it's more incentive for her to come over and not want to give me space because I live very close to her work, while her parents house is farther, but I feel bad to say this because I know she's with me because she loves to be with me. One other possibly important note: I pay the ENTIRE rent, she never offered to pay rent. She's been buying groceries after she noticed I seem less inclined to pay for stuff. I don't think she's a stingy person at all, but I would've liked if she at least offered to pay some rent. I usually am very generous and pay most of everything, so even financially I feel stressed out which wants me to be alone even more. Essentially, I don't know what to do at this point. I value the relationship, but also want space, and also don't want her or her parents to think I'm kicking her out of my place, but I really just need a week alone, or some more days per week just to myself, and I don't know how to approach it. Also, I want her to keep coming over, I love being with her, but I don't want her 'living' here, like every day, I like my space A LOT, and she doesn't pay half the rent anyways. Edited March 16, 2020 by skanzer 1
Mystery4u Posted March 16, 2020 Posted March 16, 2020 You need to talk to her. Communication is key in a relationship. That means mentioning it again regardless if you already mentioned it before. Explain that you feel you need a bit more time to yourself. Does she do anything outside of work? Any hobbies? Sports? Go out with friends? Maybe you could arrange one day a week, for example Sunday, where she goes and does girly stuff with her girlfriends or something and you have some time alone. Personally, I would never ask her to spend the night or nights away, as TBH getting into bed together and just being close to each other and cuddling and falling asleep next to each other is one of my favourite things about being in a relationship, but maybe you are different. As for rent, if she has a job she should be contributing at least something, depending how much she is earning compared to you. You can easily split the food bill. Unless you come to an agreement such as you pay the rent and she pays all the bills + food. Again it's something you need to talk to her about. You are both adults, it seems you both value the relationship and want to stay together. In which case talking to each other about these issues and coming to a compromise or agreement together will be key in ensuring that happens. Let us know how it goes. 1
elaine567 Posted March 16, 2020 Posted March 16, 2020 (edited) She is just staying over, she has not moved in, so she is not liable to pay YOUR rent. Sounds like you are nowhere near wanting to live with anyone. Tell her that, so she doesn't waste her time, and you don't get railroaded into a live-in relationship you don't want. She is all set to "play house"... if that is not what you want and you say nothing, then misery will ensue, as your end goals do not match up. She will be miserable as you will want to push her away and you will feel smothered as she will want increasing closeness and connection. Edited March 16, 2020 by elaine567 3 1
introverted1 Posted March 16, 2020 Posted March 16, 2020 Some people need downtime to recharge. It's essential to their mental health. I would explain this to her and possibly set up a schedule where she remains at home. Ask for what you need, whether that's 3 free nights a week, 2 nights and a full weekend day, or whatever. Let her know that this isn't about your feelings for her but about your own need for alone time. You can show her this article for an outsider's explanation. I'd leave the money talk for another time. Not because it isn't important but because it may well become less important if you can get the alone time you want. If it remains an issue, tackle it once the downtime has been resolved.
Author skanzer Posted March 16, 2020 Author Posted March 16, 2020 (edited) 21 minutes ago, elaine567 said: She is just staying over, she has not moved in, so she is not liable to pay YOUR rent. Sounds like you are nowhere near wanting to live with anyone. Tell her that, so she doesn't waste her time, and you don't get railroaded into a live-in relationship you don't want. She is all set to "play house"... if that is not what you want and you say nothing, then misery will ensue, as your end goals do not match up. She will be miserable as you will want to push her away and you will feel smothered as she will want increasing closeness and connection. Firstly it’s not a huge deal that she doesnt pay rent, I’d feel bad to ask her to, but would appreciate if she contributes a little more overall, but your comment is not accurate. Her staying over every night isnt moved in? She calls this place her home, has all her make up stuff here, a lot of clothes, even buys stuff to decorate. There are 6 small ‘compartments’ in my bathroom to put stuff in, she filled 5 of them with HER STUFF without even asking me, my closet is mostly filled with her clothes, what is “moved in” to you? and it seems you COMPLETELY missed the entire point of my post. Edited March 16, 2020 by skanzer 3
littleblackheart Posted March 16, 2020 Posted March 16, 2020 Sorry OP, sounds like you are taking the well travelled passive-aggressive road, destination Drama. She can't read your mind and guess what 'alone time' means for you. You need to gently let her know that you are not quite ready for the two of you to move in together, and give her specific days / times for her to come over. Yes, there is chance she might not take it well but you need to take your part of the responsibility too: if the current arrangements do not work for you, let her know. 5
Ruby Slippers Posted March 16, 2020 Posted March 16, 2020 It sounds like you're afraid of losing her, hence afraid to set some boundaries around your time, space, and finances. You need to have an open, honest talk with her about these matters. It's unfortunate you haven't addressed all these issues from the start, but better late than never. You need to be able to arrive at peaceful, workable agreements to make it as a couple long term.
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2020 Posted March 16, 2020 Boundaries are important. You need to tell her that you are not ready to live together & she's suffocating you. Do send her home for a few days. Then set a limit as to how often she can sleep over. You have to communicate. 2
smackie9 Posted March 16, 2020 Posted March 16, 2020 For the love of God just tell her. It's your place you have every right to set boundaries, and set expectations. She's a grown woman she can take it. It's not like she's stuck living on the street, she has a place to go. So have a talk with her and work out a compromise with some balance. Say that you are not ready for being together full-time....maybe down the road when there is talk of getting engaged, but it is way too soon. If she doesn't like it, then you two are not compatible because if you do get married and have kids, you are going to be climbing the walls. 1
FMW Posted March 16, 2020 Posted March 16, 2020 A serious conversation is needed, and you need to be really clear. Don't just say you "need more time alone". Be specific, tell her you really like having her around but want it to be 3 nights a week (or whatever you want), not every night. Tell her you need time alone to decompress, to be able to fully enjoy your time together. What her parents think is not your responsibility, it's up to her to deal with that. She created the situation by choosing to effectively move in with you without being invited and without a conversation about it. She may not be thrilled when you talk to her about it, but the alternative is that you keep dealing with the frustrations the situation is causing for you. That will most likely result in resentment and deterioration of your feelings for her which will damage your relationship. 1
Author skanzer Posted March 16, 2020 Author Posted March 16, 2020 (edited) Thank you for all the responses. To S2B's comment, I've cut back on drinking immensely, and am trying to quit completely, or at least reduce it to a once a week thing (I've been managing this easily), but I definitely quit the 3-4 sometimes 5 days a week drinking habit. I want to mention that it's not just like she forced herself to live here without being invited, we've been dating for a year and it led up to this slowly, her coming over more and more and me wanting it and us just having a great time together, but there was a point where she pretty much stopped going to her parents home anymore, it used to be where she'd go to her home like 3 days a week, even that was good, and I felt good, but for the past month she literally never goes back, maybe 1 day, and if she does she'll leave my home at night, go to her parents, then come back early the next day. I don't like this. I want to talk to her and mention to her that I'd like to just have a few days to myself, I feel it's not nice to create a fixed schedule of 'you can only come these days', it just seems wrong. The biggest problem of all this is that, when I asked her for some space (in a very nice way and explained it's just to clear my head from the new job and in general), and she barely gave me any, essentially less than 24 hours, I've been 'different' lately because I feel I didn't get a chance to release my thoughts and have that alone time I asked for, and it's starting to strain the relationship a little because I'm not like I used to be with her, I'm a bit more cold, and a bit resentful that she didn't give me that space. I don't want the relationship to slowly rot because of this, so I think I should be more clear that I need more time, a few days at least. Edited March 16, 2020 by skanzer
introverted1 Posted March 16, 2020 Posted March 16, 2020 Some people need downtime to recharge. It's essential to their mental health. I would explain this to her and possibly set up a schedule where she remains at home. Ask for what you need, whether that's 3 free nights a week, 2 nights and a full weekend day, or whatever. Let her know that this isn't about your feelings for her but about your own need for alone time. I'd leave the money talk for another time. Not because it isn't important but because it may well become less important if you can get the alone time you want. If it remains an issue, tackle it once the downtime has been resolved.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 16, 2020 Posted March 16, 2020 When you asked for space, she should have gone home and stayed there until you invited her back. But she's obviously not getting it, so you'll have to put a specific time frame on it. Tell her exactly how many days you need to yourself - 3 days a week, the weekend, whatever. You need to take charge of this now before your resentment gets worse and it breaks out into an argument.
Author skanzer Posted March 16, 2020 Author Posted March 16, 2020 1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said: When you asked for space, she should have gone home and stayed there until you invited her back. But she's obviously not getting it, so you'll have to put a specific time frame on it. Tell her exactly how many days you need to yourself - 3 days a week, the weekend, whatever. You need to take charge of this now before your resentment gets worse and it breaks out into an argument. Exactly this. I felt she shouldve given me space and not impose herself. She hinted that she didnt want her parents to worry If she didnt come back to my home, but that made me feel even more trapped...you cant stay at your parents house more than 1 day after not seeing them for weeks?! I’ll talk with her. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted March 16, 2020 Posted March 16, 2020 I'm not familiar with Japanese culture and how traditional it is, but have you two had a discussion about the future, potential marriage, etc.? It is often a cause for concern to "go backwards" in relationships = revert back to spending less time together and the like. I think you need to have a very open, honest conversation about where this is going and how you want it to be day to day.
basil67 Posted March 16, 2020 Posted March 16, 2020 I'm in the same line of thought as @RubySlippers: What future do you want with her? Or indeed, any woman? Because most relationships have an end goal of marriage/or living together. If you can't cope with sharing your house with her full time, then either it's a sign of one of two things: 1. She's not the one. It's time to rethink the relationship so as not to string her along and waste her years or 2. You're not cut out for living together and girlfriends need to know that co-habitation is not in your future. And yes, going backwards (at least in her eyes) could (should) be something she will have a long hard look at. Think about what you're cut out for long term before you act. 4
Author skanzer Posted March 17, 2020 Author Posted March 17, 2020 (edited) To the posts above, I understand that, but I think there needs to be more perspective than that. I’ve been with her 1 year. All I’m asking for is a little time for myself at this stage, while being happy with her living with me MOST days. Not everything is black and white I feel in these situations, and to me it would actually pave the way for moving forward if she could understand and give me some space, not “backwards@. What’s so wrong if she spends some time with at HER home with her parents? I’m now locked in forever as if I’m married and she MUST live with me daily, or else I’m going backwards and must start reconsidering if I ever want to live with someone because I need to breath a little? I find that a little ridiculous to suggest. I just need to slow down just a little, keep some time for me for now, time that I used to ALWAYS have and is now gone. Edited March 17, 2020 by skanzer 1
Whodatdog Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 I dont see any problem just telling her that you really need some time to yourself. Set a day or two a week so that she knows exactly what you are thinking. Tell her its YOU, not her. Set your boundaries. Then give it some time. If you are happy to see her after that day or two apart, thats great. If you find that 2 days isnt enough....well, I think we know what that means. She cant read your mind. Tell her what you need. She should appreciate your honesty, and not take it personally. Its all about you, not her. 1
preraph Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 Look you can't let it go on. Dating is about finding out if you're compatible. if she can't be on her own some then you're probably not compatible. you can't just let it go on because that's how it will be from now on so you need to sit her down and talk to her about it now and set some boundaries and be very clear about it.
Interstellar Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 (edited) I have family in Japan and know how expensive it is, but they’re big on manners which I like and you have easy access to fresh sushi all year round, hah you’re so blessed. Do you live in or around Tokyo? so I’m assuming rent is expensive. You’re gonna have to have a sit down talk with your girl with tea and some pastries and tell her that you care about her a lot, and you enjoy spending time with her but you also enjoy a little me time for yourself. It’s probably gonna be tricky because there are ways of saying things and you don’t want to offend or the other person to lose face because it’s Japan. Lastly, continue dating her and don’t allow yourself to get into a routine of being home all the time and just working all the time because the culture there encourages workaholism. Also, give her a compliment everyday. You’ll continue doing this even after you’re married. Edited March 17, 2020 by Interstellar
ExpatInItaly Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 OP, you don't need to turn this into a "she doesn't give me space"-type stance. You are becoming bitter and resentful when you haven't really even clearly laid at your own point of view to her. I don't think it's realistic or fair to make this about what she is doing to you or taking away from you, which is the impression I strongly get from your posts. Your tone and wording indicate that you feel wronged in some way. However, it also doesn't seem that you have communicated your needs very well, either. How is she supposed to know that one night apart does not constitute "space" for you, if you didn't tell her? You are getting angry with her without much reason. I promise that if you tell her you feel trapped, and come at her with the same rather passive-aggressive tone you're using here to describe the situation, it will be the undoing of your relationship. I don't think she has a malicious intention, nor that she is actively trying to smother you. Dial back the defensiveness when you speak to her. Let her know you're not ready to live together full-time. Will she be upset? Probably, yes. She obviously didn't understand that you're not on the same page as her. That is on you to communicate now. Think carefully before you talk to her, though. Ask yourself if you actually do want to make this a more permanent arrangement at some point; I am not sure you really do. It's a big lifestyle change for you and I get the sense that you're more angry at yourself for making choices that led you here, but you're starting to take it out on her. Take a few deep breaths and ask yourself if this relationship is what you actually want. 2
basil67 Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 9 hours ago, skanzer said: To the posts above, I understand that, but I think there needs to be more perspective than that. I’ve been with her 1 year. All I’m asking for is a little time for myself at this stage, while being happy with her living with me MOST days. Not everything is black and white I feel in these situations, and to me it would actually pave the way for moving forward if she could understand and give me some space, not “backwards@. What’s so wrong if she spends some time with at HER home with her parents? I’m now locked in forever as if I’m married and she MUST live with me daily, or else I’m going backwards and must start reconsidering if I ever want to live with someone because I need to breath a little? I find that a little ridiculous to suggest. I just need to slow down just a little, keep some time for me for now, time that I used to ALWAYS have and is now gone. You certainly have the prerogative to find this approach a little ridiculous, but be aware that your girlfriend may not feel the same as you. Perhaps have an answer ready for her re: If you decide to cohabit in, say, three years, why will you no longer need space that you need now?
Fletch Lives Posted March 17, 2020 Posted March 17, 2020 (edited) You need some healthy space. Start spending time in a separate room of your own - an extra bedroom, office, garage, basement, shed in the backyard, doghouse, whatever. And/or spend more time out of the home. Ask her to help with the rent. Simple. Edited March 17, 2020 by Fletch Lives 1
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