smile95 Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 For those of you who know my story, please advise...... Clearly, I am the one who is going to have to break the cycle. We have determined this.....no matter what, over time, he calls or texts as if nothing has occured and I have forgotten why I am upset with him.....he goes away and then pops back up and tells me he loves me. This cycle is taking its toll on me and I am doing great at NC lately. I am feeling better and trying to close this chapter. Where I screw up is when he contacts me. I give in. I get hope and then after I give in.....he does it again....... So.......how smart would it be to just tell him next time that I do not want to hear from him anymore and to stop telling me he loves me and stop calling. Or is just not answering going to do that? My friends think that he will try harder if I tell him to go and I cannot deal with that. I give in too easy. I know what he does....he calls just to see if I am still waiting around for him and I pretty much verify that for him each time! I hate it! I see the game he is playing and it is not love. I guess Ijust want to know if telling him will make him REALLY leave me alone and stop messing with me? Or is it going to prompt him to put on the charm until he sees I want him????
bendit Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 i know this is not what you want to hear but the real pros of relationship recovery tell you to not only never call him or email him or Im him and not answer his calls emails and IMs, but just to be sure, change your phone # change your email addy and delete him and block instant messages. Throw away every reminder of him you have and ask mutual friends never to talk about him. Its about becoming INVISIBLE to him. Think witness protection program for the broken hearted. Talking to him again, no matter under the guise of not ever talking to him again? is just staying in the dance, a dance that WILL hurt you. I know that's not what you want to hear but its the truth for those who really really want and need to move on from a relationship addiction (which is what you have). good luck regards Mike
Zaira Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 If you don't want him, then do as the above post says. If you do want him back, set some ground rules and if they can't be followed then you know it's not meant to be at all, ever.
helena abadi Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 set yourself some very clear boundaries and try very hard to stick to them at all costs. it's the only way. look after your own needs first. self-preservation is the key. silent is violent - an effective way for someone to get the message, finally.
gevoraksix Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 I haven't read your other posts so , just going off of what you wrote here. You sound as if You are in a addictive or Codependent relationship. Treat it as such . Cold turkey may be best,keeping busy,developing new habits. Who cares what He does/feels in reaction? You need to do what is best for beth! ChangeYour telephone numbers,email,everything! If he comes near Your home file a restraining order . You do not have to give in its a choice. Keep this cycle going or end it . You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad. --Aldous Leonard Huxley British writer
juls28 Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 do it! I did because I was in the EXACT SAME position you were in...I go a couple days without answering the phone and then I answer it thinking I'll be fine and he says " can I come see you?" and I cave and say "yes" and he say's "oh, you know what? it's not a good idea." he is just calling to make sure he still has the option of being with you. he is indesicive and wants to know that he won't make a "wrong" choice. change your number, baby. I felt so much better after I did. when I called my old number and heard that my number "had been changed to an unpublished number" it was like the operator had said "everything will be alright....you will get over him and he was a fool to let you go" now I don't wonder if he's called, I don't have to panic everytime the phone rings. I feel I've moved on in a little way. not a big way but it's something. I also started doing yoga which helped alot and playing the drums. good luck. god! I know exactly what your dealing with . i was there a week ago!
Author smile95 Posted October 8, 2005 Author Posted October 8, 2005 thanks juls28 It has been going on for sooooo long.....months, maybe a yr now and I am going to change the #. It will be hard for me, but I am. But, he still can call work and email me so that makes me nervous too. As someone said before, maybe I am just looking for an excuse to answer him...I always think I am ready to answer and then like an as* I fall into the trap! UGH.It is like he knows when I get stronger and then calls to break me down! THanks!
NewLee40 Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Well, Beth, first let me say I am glad to hear you finally addressing changing your phone number. I've suggested it to you several times of late, and you've been ignoring my advice. I read between the lines on the above and determined that at this point you are still not ready to end it for good with this guy. I'm thinking at this point you may be right that you are looking for an excuse to call him and perhaps you are needing that "fix" again - because you know he will say whatever you need to hear to keep those lines of communication. However, if you REALLY are serious (and you don't have to be 100% convinced, but willing to to act "as if") I would recommend the following: 1. Don't initiate a call, text, email or anything. If you do so out of the blue, without a first contact from him, the message you are sending is mixed. It doesn't make logical sense to say, "Hey, I have not heard from you, so I'm asking to to please stop calling me." So, before doing anything, wait for his next move. 2. While waiting for his next move, put your game plan in order. First, go ahead and change your phone number now. No, this won't prevent him from contacting you, but it does put a small obstacle in his path and does send a message that will at least give him the first hint that you are ready to move on. From what I've seen so far, you've never really told the guy to leaveyou alone. You've passively sat back and waited for him to call, and he's passively text messaged you to test to see if he still has you on the hook. He pings you, sees you're still hanging on, throws you a little bone and then disappears again. You get mad and question the disappearance - again through this whole text message thing - and he refuses to respond. Thus, the cycle continues. So, by changing your number you eliminate his ability to take the lazy, cowardly way to contact you. 3. But, you are right, this won't be enough. When you step left, when he expects you to step right, he will adjust the dance and keep trying. I'm thinking that once texting is out of the picture, he will resort to the next most passive move - email. Since you have not really ever told the guy to leave you alone, this is your opportunity to do so. He will already suspect you are doing something different, so he may query you on it. Or he may just still say something innocuous, just to get a feel for where you are. Keep your response brief. Don't address any issue you have with him, do not explain why you are doing what you are doing, simply ask him not to call. I read somewhere that when you deal with narcisissts that the best thing to do is simply say: [period]I am responding to this email/call, etc... only to let you know that any future attempts you make to contact me will be ignored. I do not wish to communicate with you, period. The key here, is that if you say this...you MUST be willing to back it up. If he emails you again, delete it WITHOUT reading it. If he calls you at work and you happen to answer the phone, simply state AGAIN - I do not want to speak with you, I have asked you politely not to contact me again. Do not call again. And hang up even if he is in mid-sentence. If you give him any "reasons" he will just respond with a defense. The important thing to convey is that this is closed. There is nothing he can say or do to change it, so don't give him the opportunity to try. If you EVER entertain even the slightest conversation with him, you will #1 get fed a line and be very upset over it, and #2 you will have shown him that you don't mean what you say and it will encourage him to keep trying harder in the future. Remember, you don't OWE him an explanation, an polite response, or another minute of your time. Beth, if you are truly ready to move on, you do need to take concrete steps to shutting him out and shutting him down. There's a difference in sitting around and stewing privately about how he's hurt you and how you won't respond and letting him know it. I think you fear if you let him know you are through, then he will eventually give up. And he will. And that's a good thing. But, you will have to be awfully strong in the meantime. The important thing to remember is to back up any words with actions, or they are meaningless.
Author smile95 Posted October 8, 2005 Author Posted October 8, 2005 So I guess I do nothing and IF he calls again...either ignore it or tell him like you said to not call me anymore...... Kinda sux that I gave my all and then some and still this man will never change no matter what I do. Sad. I am slowly letting go. I feel it. It still breaks my heart since I loved him and we had some great times together.....but I know that the big picture is what I need to look at and that shows me that I have to let go and move along to find someone that deserves and appreciates me. Thanks everyone!
NewLee40 Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 Go ahead and change your number.... I know it hurts...I'm having a bad day missing my ex today as well.
Author smile95 Posted October 8, 2005 Author Posted October 8, 2005 has yours called since the last time? A few wks ago?
NewLee40 Posted October 8, 2005 Posted October 8, 2005 No, he hasn't. Its about time for him to try again. But, maybe after the last time he realized that I wasn't going to "play" the game anymore. I was pretty cool to him. He will eventually move on and I would rather not know it when he does. So, I'll do my very best not to answer when he calls. Nothing good will come of it. I know that....but I also love him. Sucks to be me.
Willbanks Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 Beth, you got to stop. What you are doing can cause serious long term emotional problems.
Author smile95 Posted October 9, 2005 Author Posted October 9, 2005 What you are doing can cause serious long term emotional problems Ia ma fraid it already has..... But the difference is now I see it and I am getting out. Before I never saw it. It would be so much easier if he did not contact me anymore. It is not like he just calls, he will say stuff like "i love you" and that is what messes with my mind!
NewLee40 Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 Yes, it messes with your mind, but you have more power in the situation than you think. First...AGAIN...CHANGE YOUR NUMBER. Prevent the texting from ever happening again. This WILL prevent you from ever getting a lonely text message again when he was in need of a quick fix. Second, as I was wallowing in my own self-pity yesterday, I was thinking about how much of this pain I'm bringing on myself. He's not out there worrying about me. It was Saturday night. He was probably on a date, probably going through the same motions he went through with me, but with someone new. I was on on a "date" with my son and I was so depressed that he kept asking me if I was ok. I"m going to write about this on another thread, but I'm here to tell you that you and I both are keeping this love we have alive by nurturing it in our hearts. He may be gone, we may know intellectually that it can never be, so we keep fanning our flames by focusing on them, what they did, what they might do, how we feel about it, and so on and so on. That's what was meant by you causing serious emotioal problems to yourself. You have to stop all this obsessing. Its hard, I know....I'm there with you. But, for your own sake, YOU have to stop it. It doesn't have a thing in the world with what he does.
Author smile95 Posted October 9, 2005 Author Posted October 9, 2005 I agree. I have control. I am doing 100% better than I would be before and I am not sure yet if it is becasue I know it is over or I assume he will call again? I am hoping I am grasping the letting go part. I do not cry AT ALL anymore! Which is great! I do think of him a lot, but not so much that I get upset anymore and get the urge to call. The only thing I really wonder is if he will call again....I know in his head, he is thinking nothing of this and just thinks this is a normal thing we do.
NewLee40 Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 So, change your number and you won't have to wonder "when" You know he won't be calling. I know it won't prevent him from reaching out in other ways, but it will prevent one way - his preferred way. So, when you gonna do it?
Art_Critic Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 So, when you gonna do it? All it takes is a phone call and about 5 minutes of your time.. By changing your number you are reversing the power roles... You take the power back from him
Author smile95 Posted October 9, 2005 Author Posted October 9, 2005 The only thing I worry about is I have sent out several resumes in the past month with my # on it.....so I am not sure if I can do that yet? I wish I knew that if I changed it that he wold call and hear that message! How freaking awesome would that be for him to call and hear that message about my # being disconnected!!! I get chills just thinking of it!!!!!!
Art_Critic Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 The only thing I worry about is I have sent out several resumes in the past month with my # on it.....so I am not sure if I can do that yet? Oh Beth.. You are just finding reasons to not change your number.. First off.. about the resumes after about 2 weeks they aren't going to call you. I take it you also put your email address on your resume ? well there ya go.. Change your number BETH.. Why is it so hard for you to take step toward something positive ?
Author smile95 Posted October 9, 2005 Author Posted October 9, 2005 I may wait another week. I have to go next weekend to get a new phone anyways...I guess maybe I am looking for excuses. It is such a pain to change it tho. I have no home phone, so I have to call all friends and family and all my ultilities and land lord.....ugh the list goes on!
NewLee40 Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 I know its a big pain in the butt, when I did it, I was also in a big job search. In fact, I almost missed out on the job I finally accepted because of it. But, it all worked out in the end. And besides, changing your number gives you an excuse to follow up on those resumes. Simply call, and tell them that you've changed cell phone companies and you were juts following up to make sure they had your new number. In the end, it might prompt them to pull your resume back out and have another look! I was embarrassed to tell my family when I changed my numbers, but again, it was just one way I was acknowledging to them that this relationship had reached a point where drastic action was necessary - thus making it more difficult for them to accept him back if I got nuts again and decided to give him another chance. You got nothing to lose....and everything to gain.
Art_Critic Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 And besides, changing your number gives you an excuse to follow up on those resumes. Absolutely Brilliant !!!
Mz. Pixie Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Beth, You and I both know you're only hoping to answer him to hear him say he's finally seen the light. Not gonna happen. Change the number.
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