Angel29 Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 I have met and been friends with some men in real life. They drop all of these hints and will message me showing interest which I reciprocate yet they never ask me out. Further along the line I discover they are on dating sites or commenting on other women's social media photos feeding them the same lines. I don't know if they are players or socially awkward as some of them have no luck with women. I know they can do what they want when single. I just find it disheartening, it is like you are second best and not good enough. I feel like they just want you to boost their ego when lonely. If a man was afraid of losing you and really wanted you he would not be pursuing others. Has anyone got any nice success stories where a man has been confident enough to pursue them whilst not trying to pursue others at the same time?
Blind-Sided Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 it just depends on the man. AND... it kind of depends on the overall perception. OK... when I have decided on one girl (younger life)... I didn't talk to anyone else as a "Backup Plan". I'm not saying I stop talking to any female friends... but I don't "Flirt" with any other singles. BUT, since my divorce... there are a few girls I have talked to... but I'm not pursuing any of them seriously because I don't know what I need in my life right now. From your story... I'm guessing there was one who could have possible felt the same way you are now. But I've never led her on... and we were never physical. We simply went out a few times, with other friends. But unfortunately... when I decided that I did like her... she kind of blew me off. Not to the point where she doesn't talk to me... but she doesn't seem to want to go out "One on one". On the flip side... I do understand your concerns... and they stem from OLD. I have a girl that another friend wants me to talk to, and meet. But I know she has talked with an ex, and has had a few "Booty Calls". And... I know she is on OLD apps. (I am not) While I understand that it's nice to go out, and sometimes get physical with someone... I think she is devaluing herself because of that. And... like your story... I don't what to just be the flavor of the day while we are figuring out if things are going to work. So... no, I don't have any nice stories for modern day... adult... dating. And your concerns are my same concerns. 1
MsJayne Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 Yes, I've been lucky enough to meet a nice guy and we agreed early on that we would focus on each other. It's hard to find people, (it's not just men who spread themselves around), who have the confidence to express their need to be the only one in the early stages - there's too much BS about dating these days and people are made to feel insecure and full of self-doubt if they happen to be normal and have an issue with someone they're dating seeing other people, (it used to be called two-timing and people who did it were condemned, now they're applauded for "keeping their options open and not settling" - what a load of horse$h1t! ) Chatting up five other women since he met you last week is a great way to kill any potential romance and put the other person off, but it's surprising how many adults are too stupid to work this out. I actually did outright ask my current BF on our third date if he wanted to continue seeing me, and when he said yes I explained that I was only interested if he was focusing on 'us'. I would never have dared be so pushy in the past, but I was sick of the scenario you're describing. You'd be surprised how well a lot of men respond to a woman who puts her foot down. 2
manfrombelow2 Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 Maybe, just maybe, they lost interests in you? 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 45 minutes ago, thaygiaogiang said: Maybe, just maybe, they lost interests in you? Sometimes it comes to this. Simple. The initial flame is hot, but then there isn't any fuel to keep it hot and full. I once slowly lost interested when it became clear that the other woman was not making any effort to progress the relationship. I made my intentions and expectations clear, but she seemed to be okay with the status quo...no movement to be more intimate, physical. If after a number of dates and there is or seems to be clear physical and definitely intellectual, emotional attachment, the next step was to be physical. Wasn't progressing that way and so I slowly distanced myself until I let her know that I just don't feel we have enough in common. In the end, it was not having enough in common and being in the same place in the relationship. 2
chillii Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 (edited) Confidence and all the other malarkey women come up with in things like this is just hogwash. Coming from a guy in his 50s never , ever , known of even the shyest of guys that hasn't at least tried when he's finally found someone he really likes. They just aren't interested enough in that way , that's why your only friends. Seen and heard lots of stories where things change one day sometimes 10yrs down the track and they get together but right now these guys aren't feelin it. Edited March 13, 2020 by chillii 1
Zippy2000 Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 Your thread title "Why do they look elsewhere?" With the rise of internet connections APPS and other was to communicate. Its easier to communicate to the masses now so it allows players or chancers more opportunity. When you reciprocate they never ask you out? How about you asking them out? So why do they look elsewhere. They`re just not that into you or they`re keeping their options open.
girlinNYC Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 Men inherently have a hunters instinct. It goes back to the caveman days, but eventually when they find the right person for them the commitment almost always follows immediately. The people you have pursued or have pursued you simply weren’t the right fit. Hang in there. When the right fit comes, you won’t be asking these questions. And remember, if someone acts like they don’t care, believe them. 2 1
JTSW Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 (edited) Most of your posts are about guys you meet online who still continue to stay on dating sites after they talk to you. Also that they sometimes stop talking you. This is a common complaint in your posts. You cant expect guys to delete their online dating accounts just because they have had a conversation or a date with you. I think they lose interest because of this. Edited March 13, 2020 by JTSW 1
Author Angel29 Posted March 13, 2020 Author Posted March 13, 2020 45 minutes ago, JTSW said: Most of your posts are about guys you meet online who still continue to stay on dating sites after they talk to you. You have made me realise I need to stop communicating with people who use screens as their main form of communication. 2
preraph Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 Angel, I suspect you are right about some of them just being socially awkward and internet interaction may be all they're capable of, so they do it to kind of remain in denial that they have a problem they need to fix. I mean, we occasionally see people on here who come on talking about their "girlfriend" or "boyfriend," and they've never even met or gone on a date! They're just pretending to be in a relationship. For some, that's all they're capable of, I guess. There's nothing real there until you're face to face. All internet communication is a lot of fantasy because people fill in what they don't know about the other person with the ideal person that only lives in their head and doesn't even exist. Stay active in real life for best results. And even then, a lot of the ones you meet will also be dipping into online dating and making everyone they date in real life feel insecure. It kinda sucks.
scooby-philly Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 I would argue that you need to clarify your statement a little bit more. Do you lament situations you've found yourself in where you became exclusive or close to exclusive and the guy(s) did not stop talking to others, flirting with people irl, etc.? Or do you encounter a lot of guys "multi-dating"? I use that last term to describe a situation where a person does not get to say maybe 5 to 10 dates (more closer to 5 - but could go up depending on factors such as amount of time between dates, etc.). I do not advocate nor do I think a normal, mature, emotionally sound person could maintain more than one "normal" relationship. Overall I would say that a number of factors in the world right now impact our dating lives: We do not teach young people the truth about dating, sex, intimacy, etc. We do not live in a society where we can honestly and safely talk about our fears, hopes, dreams, worries, etc. - so much of our time is spent at work and then doing activities where we cannot necessarily "be ourselves" and focus on personal growth but also talk about our issues Social Media - but not because we have apps like Tinder. Those are secondarily. The primary or more important impact is that we do not teach the value and morality and decency of an honest day's work. Young people's self-esteem are impacted because we glorify celebrities and business moguls and musicians/actors but we don't talk about how most of us don't have what it takes to get there and that most of us wouldn't want to do what was necessary to get there and keep that fame. And we advocate a shallow, material, and "like" based existence. Particularly with men - we've attacked manhood for 50 years. Now, I'm not a neanderthal or a misogynist. I believe in equal rights for everyone and support that in the ways I can in my daily life. But...we do not teach boys how to be men. We do not teach them honesty, hard work, self-worth, vulnerability, family, etc. Ever notice how so many nice people end up with the wrong person until they learn their value (like me )? I could keep going but I think the subject really needs a deeper, more complex analysis then an anonymous board can provide. And keep in mind for every "player" or "d-bag" or "frat boy" you come across, there's a guy like me (not perfect, but good) who runs into nothing but shallow, fake, bitter, angry, immature, entitled, spoiled, and/or dumb women. So it cuts both ways. 1
scooby-philly Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 And to clarify my meaning because I did not proofread my response...I use the term "multi-dating" to describe talking with, even going on initial dates with more than one person at a time. And that once you get to a certain point - 5 to 10 dates - if you continue to progress with one person you need to start winding down the search for and the conversations with other people. I do not think that normal adults can support more than one emotionally intimate relationship at a time. 2
2BGoodAgain Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 so here's a weird logic... not to excuse players, btw... b/c well, they are players... but for most guys.... but someone who doesn't have much self confidence or low self esteem, think they need an outside source to affirm what they don't feel/know inside themselves... to a point where it isn't dating or a relationship they really want, though they absolutely believe they do... it's the ego stroking they want most... 2
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