AnnabelleLB Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 My first post please go easy on me. Now I just want to say I will do anything for my son, to protect my son and to make sure he doesn't go without. People have questioned my parenting, that I am seeing someone and not waiting until my son has grown up. My ex my sons father, hasn't seen my son since birth he decided he wasn't ready for a kid. We were 22, I'm 27 now. I've become close to guys and as soon as I tell them about my son they become cold or just disappear. My current boyfriend, I kept about my son quiet for a while. When I told him he said "I know. I heard you on the phone to his school a month back". He hasn't gone off me or gone cold. He does live in another part of the country and regularly travels with work, I travel with work too and this is how we met. We see each other weekly We've met 8 months ago. He has been such a gentleman. He has asked to meet my son. I'm worried my son won't take to him or like him, Last time I tried introducing someone my son didn't like him. It put him off. Should I chat with my son first? What should I say? My boyfriend suggested as we live near to legoland he would pay for us to go to there and treat us to a day out, We said as a first meet, pizza or burgers and I said he could stay over at mine in the spare room. If we met after work (I suggested Friday after work) Has anyone else introduced a partner to their child. What else should I think about?
d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 Oh boy. You don't have to put your life on hold because you have a child. How old is your son? this needs to be age appropriate & you need to set boundaries that you are the adult & you are in charge. You already gave your kid too much power & control when you dropped the 1st guy. You run your love life not your kid. Tell your son that mommy has a new friend & you are all going out for pizza. Then the friend goes home. No sleepovers for a while longer. Do set up the Lego land play date but that doesn't have to be date two. Do something else lower cost like go to a kid friendly movie, play mini golf or just have a picnic somewhere near a play ground. After your son gets used to your guy, then he can start staying over. 3
SumGuy Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 Sounds like your son is around 5 or 6? Even though my kids are much older I introduce them in a situation with a lot going on besides meet my girlfriend. LEGO land sounds perfect. Also sounds like you’ve been seeing this guy for 8 months. I never introduce my kids before 6 months. I’m not one for hard and fast rules, but that is one. I will say every woman I’ve dated has kids, even if older and away from home. That makes a positive difference to me and they get how kids can be.
Author AnnabelleLB Posted March 13, 2020 Author Posted March 13, 2020 8 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Oh boy. You don't have to put your life on hold because you have a child. How old is your son? this needs to be age appropriate & you need to set boundaries that you are the adult & you are in charge. You already gave your kid too much power & control when you dropped the 1st guy. You run your love life not your kid. Tell your son that mommy has a new friend & you are all going out for pizza. Then the friend goes home. No sleepovers for a while longer. Do set up the Lego land play date but that doesn't have to be date two. Do something else lower cost like go to a kid friendly movie, play mini golf or just have a picnic somewhere near a play ground. After your son gets used to your guy, then he can start staying over. He is 5 Reason I dropped the first guy was because of how they interacted, he wasn't 100% innocent he wasn't good with my son. I did talk to my son last night saying that we are going for pizza and we are going to see mummys friend too. He seemed happy enough. Although I think thats due to pizza and ice cream.The staying over was for the spare room because my boyfriend would have to drive the 200 miles back home. We are meeting again Sunday because he has to do a job at my work Sunday night. 7 hours ago, SumGuy said: Sounds like your son is around 5 or 6? Even though my kids are much older I introduce them in a situation with a lot going on besides meet my girlfriend. LEGO land sounds perfect. Also sounds like you’ve been seeing this guy for 8 months. I never introduce my kids before 6 months. I’m not one for hard and fast rules, but that is one. I will say every woman I’ve dated has kids, even if older and away from home. That makes a positive difference to me and they get how kids can be. We are going to do Legoland after COVID19 has calmed down or more likely when it warms up a bit. I've seen him with other kids and how well he is with them (not his, he doesn't have any) I'm pretty nervous for this pizza tonight.
Fletch Lives Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 It sometimes takes a couple of years for the child to warm up to a new boyfriend. Let the man buy the kid a gift. Kids are gullible. 2
d0nnivain Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 I hope your pizza date goes well. Postponing Legoland is probably for the best. Even in the guest room I'm not sure the sleep over is a good idea this soon.
Author AnnabelleLB Posted March 13, 2020 Author Posted March 13, 2020 Pizza date was amazing, My boyfriend finished early. Met us at Pizza hut, we walked there. We "accidentally" bumped into each other. We introduced and we went in. and they started talking, My son interacted well. At the end of and we were going for dessert. My son wanted my boyfriend to go with him for the ice cream station which I was thought was really nice. He drove us back to my house. He gets out to help get my son out, We get in to mine and my washing machine had leaked (The water pipe) and broke a socket. Boyfriend tells me to sort my son out and he will sort the washing machine out. I sort my son out and go downstairs, Boyfriend had mopped up, Fixed the pipe (Just needed attaching) and my plug had broke, because of his work he had some parts and fixed it for me. He refused money for both dinner and for fixing things. I feel totally rotten. He won't get home until after midnight now and he was up at 4am. Least I can do is stay up until he is home. I said he should text me as soon as he got in. Today just felt so right. 2
Author AnnabelleLB Posted March 14, 2020 Author Posted March 14, 2020 Boyfriend didn't get in until half past midnight, Ended up speaking for 10/15 minutes. Then my son comes running in at 6am this morning all happy. The joys of motherhood. Wouldn't change it though. I do feel bad that he had a super long day yesterday.
Author AnnabelleLB Posted March 14, 2020 Author Posted March 14, 2020 Still feel rotten Boyfriend is coming tomorrow for dinner before he has to work overnight. Want to make it a bit special for us 3, Would nice table setting and just generally make it be nice be going too far?
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2020 Posted March 14, 2020 Other then the water pipe leaking & the lack of sleep, it sounds good. Make the table anyway you like. I'm not a mom but something too posh might be more then your son can handle.
preraph Posted March 14, 2020 Posted March 14, 2020 Hey, kids his age, you can fool into liking the guy. Problem is YOU are already accepting he won't like anyone and running with that. Kids that age, you can just make it all sound like fun for them. You should already have him trained to always be polite to adults and not interrupt when they're speaking and all the basics. Have you done that? Because just teaching respect for adults is the foundation for them respecting your decisions and being nice to newcomers.
Author AnnabelleLB Posted March 14, 2020 Author Posted March 14, 2020 24 minutes ago, preraph said: Hey, kids his age, you can fool into liking the guy. Problem is YOU are already accepting he won't like anyone and running with that. Kids that age, you can just make it all sound like fun for them. You should already have him trained to always be polite to adults and not interrupt when they're speaking and all the basics. Have you done that? Because just teaching respect for adults is the foundation for them respecting your decisions and being nice to newcomers. He does seem to love my boyfriend, asked him today "Did you like mummys friend?" "YES!" "Want him to come again" "YES" "Should we ask him to come to dinner tomorrow?" "YES" He is always polite and I've taught him all the basics. I know I'm a single mum, I know this is what I signed up for, with some messages I'm getting from busy bodies at work I shouldn't be dating, I think and feel this relationship is right. I feel my son does like him, I'll be honest, Weekend nights on your own are lonely, I would love to have my boyfriend here so I've got someone to watch TV, netflix or just someone to chat to. Is that bad of me? 1
preraph Posted March 14, 2020 Posted March 14, 2020 It sounds like it will go okay. Best of luck. I hope you find someone good for you and your son. if you want to quail any doubts in the back of your mind you might pay a little money online and run a background check on him and just make sure he's not hiding something himself.
Author AnnabelleLB Posted March 14, 2020 Author Posted March 14, 2020 14 minutes ago, preraph said: It sounds like it will go okay. Best of luck. I hope you find someone good for you and your son. if you want to quail any doubts in the back of your mind you might pay a little money online and run a background check on him and just make sure he's not hiding something himself. We can't do that in the UK. However the company he works for makes all their staff go through government contractor clearance. So he is clear in that respect. I know the company he works for does criminal checks and other checks. I know he is clear. I just hope he is in to me like I'm in to him! I think he is.
Author AnnabelleLB Posted March 14, 2020 Author Posted March 14, 2020 5 minutes ago, preraph said: Oh, that's good! I think I worry that he isn't into me as much now because he's found out I have a kid, but he is showing he isn't. I just wish he was here with me now.
preraph Posted March 14, 2020 Posted March 14, 2020 Does he have any kids of his own? If he hasn't been around kids much then he may not be able to handle it, it's true. I think the biggest gripe people have with other people's kids is of course their kids come first and a lot of people don't like that. I do think kids should come first overall but I don't think it should filter down to every little nuance like canceling plans or keep someone from having some dedicated time with just their love interest. The other biggest right people have about other people's kids is if the kids are ill-mannered or out of control and the parent won't discipline them or make them stop. That's just from what I've seen on here over the years. seems like lots of men and women have a problem with coming second to someone with kids and usually on here we just go ahead and tell them that's the way it's going to be. But there's a lot of things you can do to not make someone feel like that by keeping your promises to them and allotting time dedicated to them and not always letting your kid derail the plans or interrupt.
Author AnnabelleLB Posted March 14, 2020 Author Posted March 14, 2020 10 minutes ago, preraph said: Does he have any kids of his own? If he hasn't been around kids much then he may not be able to handle it, it's true. I think the biggest gripe people have with other people's kids is of course their kids come first and a lot of people don't like that. I do think kids should come first overall but I don't think it should filter down to every little nuance like canceling plans or keep someone from having some dedicated time with just their love interest. The other biggest right people have about other people's kids is if the kids are ill-mannered or out of control and the parent won't discipline them or make them stop. That's just from what I've seen on here over the years. seems like lots of men and women have a problem with coming second to someone with kids and usually on here we just go ahead and tell them that's the way it's going to be. But there's a lot of things you can do to not make someone feel like that by keeping your promises to them and allotting time dedicated to them and not always letting your kid derail the plans or interrupt. He doesn't have any kids of his own, I've seen him around kids, He is great with them. He was great with my son. He has said he understands that I may need to cancel for my son, or something crops up. He just wants to be here for us. I feel he shown that last night when he fixed the washing machine and made sure everything worked last night. He could have said that its mine/my landlords problem. I told my landlord and she was happy he fixed it. I do want time with him. I don't think my son is ill-mannered he doesn't interrupt or shout. I've disciplined my son. Do you think its worth having a talk? I do want time with my partner like tonight, It would just be nice to cuddle up watch Guardians of the Galaxy on tv. If I'm honest here. If things were not complicated. I'd be living with my boyfriend.
preraph Posted March 14, 2020 Posted March 14, 2020 He sounds really great! I would say just if your son starts doing behavior because he's around (like I have a friend who's girl would always try to hog my attention when I was visiting my friend), then that's when you just gently tell them to go play or do something and if necessary later in private, let them know not to interrupt or whatever. I mean, we kind of had to let my friend's little girl know I wasn't there to see HER, because that's kind of what she always assumed. Gently. Of course, always spent some time with her and then her mom would send her off to amuse herself, letting her know we were going to visit between ourselves for awhile. Otherwise, she would drag out every costume she had and model it all night, you know. You're lucky yours isn't the type that resents other people having his mom's attention, because that's when things can get crosswise, but again, that's all part of training before the situation ever comes up, I guess. They both like each other, so just strive for a balance. The guy sounds really great! Keeping my fingers crossed for you. Oh, and I love a handyman!! So rare in my part of the woods.
Author AnnabelleLB Posted March 14, 2020 Author Posted March 14, 2020 36 minutes ago, preraph said: He sounds really great! I would say just if your son starts doing behavior because he's around (like I have a friend who's girl would always try to hog my attention when I was visiting my friend), then that's when you just gently tell them to go play or do something and if necessary later in private, let them know not to interrupt or whatever. I mean, we kind of had to let my friend's little girl know I wasn't there to see HER, because that's kind of what she always assumed. Gently. Of course, always spent some time with her and then her mom would send her off to amuse herself, letting her know we were going to visit between ourselves for awhile. Otherwise, she would drag out every costume she had and model it all night, you know. You're lucky yours isn't the type that resents other people having his mom's attention, because that's when things can get crosswise, but again, that's all part of training before the situation ever comes up, I guess. They both like each other, so just strive for a balance. The guy sounds really great! Keeping my fingers crossed for you. Oh, and I love a handyman!! So rare in my part of the woods. I offered to pay for dinner and offered to pay for his time fixing he refused both. My son goes and amuses himself or plays when we have guests. It'll be the first time we've had someone other than family round for dinner tomorrow, First time my boyfriend will have been here for a period of time whilst not fixing my washing machine. I'm nervous, about that, This will be the first time I've ever cooked for him too. I'm going to get his favorite soft drink tomorrow and I was thinking I could make a dessert. Get my son involved. I'm just hoping he likes it. I also hope I don't get too upset when he goes, like I did last night. 1
Author AnnabelleLB Posted March 14, 2020 Author Posted March 14, 2020 Just to add. theres been times we've been on the phone, my son has come down because of a nightmare, My boyfriend said "Go see to him and make sure he is ok" without malice or similar. He is genuinely a really nice guy. I've said this before but I wish I could just cuddle up to him now. I've not felt love like this for a while (My son is obviously different). 1
preraph Posted March 14, 2020 Posted March 14, 2020 I see mostly problems on this board and red flags, but I'm not seeing any here. of course there is never any guarantee something will last, but he's already taking care of you by helping out and one of the two big things men do when they really care about a woman is provide and protect. It's instinct going back centuries. sometimes that's the only way you can tell a man is really invested. so it's a great sign that he helped you fix something, and he sounds very sensible about children. Since you mentioned getting upset that he was leaving, that's the only thing I would caution you about. Guys don't like to feel pressure to get serious too soon, and I know I personally have ran a couple off just by being too verbal about being attached to them too soon and I think it makes some of them feel like they either have to decide they're in or out right now and so a lot of times they'll leave. So that's the only thing I'm saying to be careful about is pace yourself and don't just lay all your cards out on the table and put your heart on your sleeve. Don't get clingy. Of course you get a say in what the pace is but the best way to find out what a man is like is to let them kind of set the pace for a while to see what they will do when left all on their own volition, and that way you know that's them and not you kind of pushing them that way. So don't get ahead of yourself, but he sounds really nice and I know he likes you. I guess what we don't know is how much of a comiter he is or how fast he moves in that direction, but that should be okay with you because of your son and because the longer you know someone the better you know someone. So you do want to give it time before you make a big decision about mixing your lives up together. To be more assured that you really know a person, you need to know them long enough to see how they handle bad times, whether that be a financial downturn or car trouble, so that you see if they just become dysfunctional and in a rage or if they hunker down and just get through it. There's a saying I've seen on here quite a few times. You don't really know what a person is like until they're not getting their way. So don't get in a hurry.
Blind-Sided Posted March 14, 2020 Posted March 14, 2020 On 3/13/2020 at 6:18 AM, Fletch Lives said: It sometimes takes a couple of years for the child to warm up to a new boyfriend. Let the man buy the kid a gift. Kids are gullible. Well... not so much gullible... but easily persuaded. But I know what you mean. OK... right or wrong... there is a girl I like, and I already let her see my kids. (only been a few months) She was simply introduced as a friend... although my 13 year old knows better. I took my 13 yo over to her house to play with her dog. (ours passed away a few months back) We had a good time... but it was a short visit. (and my kid said she likes her) A couple weeks later, my youngest turned 9yo, and she wanted to bring her a gift. It was basic, but something I know my little girl would like. Now... the younger kid was the wild card. No idea how she would respond. But my friend came over, and gave her the gift. And she was smiles ear to ear. She hugged my friend at least 3 times... and then gave her a tour of the house. (Had to show off her room, and dolls) OP... I know that doesn't help... but it can be good... just don't try to do too much at first. (and a gift will go along way)
Author AnnabelleLB Posted March 14, 2020 Author Posted March 14, 2020 I know what you are saying. I don't mean teary that he has left or go in to a mop. Its more "I miss him", "I wish he was still here" sort of thing. We've been dating 8 months starting our 9th. We don't verbalise "You've left I miss you I miss you". One thing we both insist on doing is when he leave my area/when I'm working up where he lives we do ring each other to tell the other we got home ok. We've set a pace. I'm keen and he is keen, We are not rushing, talking about commitment, He did give me a key to his house because I'm at his before he gets back, Its so I can let myself in and unpack. I've been with him when he was going through redundancy, when his last Grandmother passed away. he kept himself to a high standard. He was quiet and such but he still was there and not nasty to me or anything. I'm not talking about moving him in with him next week. but if we get to that stage then I'm not going to say no. I just want him spending more time here but I don't want to rush things too quickly.
Author AnnabelleLB Posted March 14, 2020 Author Posted March 14, 2020 6 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: OP... I know that doesn't help... but it can be good... just don't try to do too much at first. (and a gift will go along way) My boyfriend has already said a gift he ordered for my son has turned up today. He hopes I won't be mad I got him something, He said some people get funny in the current climate. As for taking care of me, He really does. I cancelled on him a lot because of illness. He knows where I live. I said not to come because I'm like death warmed up. He rang me one morning asking how I was and feeling. if I eaten etc. I told him I needed to go shopping but had to get mum to do the school run as I was really bad. He was so sweet and got me a food shop delivered. Got me as he calls it a "care pack" with snacks and such. He really is sweet. I was expecting him to dump me or be mad, He was caring and concerned about me. He did ask if I wanted him to come down. I said no as he gets bad chest infections and I didn't want him to catch anything.
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