geronimo Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 Hi guys, My gf and I have started to get more serious now that we have been dating for almost 3 years. She wants to take our relationship to the next level but there are somethings that have been bothering me since we first started dating. My girlfriend and I got together about 5-6 months after she broke up with her ex, from what she told me the breakup was mostly initiated by him and he pretty much ghosted her post breakup only to drop breadcrumbs from time to time but she was done with him so she stopped responding. Now this is me being insecure and I know it but these things have been eating me up and is the reason why I feel like I can’t commit to her fully. She admitted that her ex wasn’t a good guy and that she only dated him because she was young (they dated for 2 years) and she didn’t know better, she wasn’t ever comfortable in that relationship and she always felt like he would hide things and wouldn’t always be there for her. I’m the complete opposite in that sense and she always said it was a breath of fresh air, meeting me and having the relationship that we have. Anyways the thing that bothers me the most is her sexual history, both with her ex and another guy she saw for a bit in between the two relationships. She told me that her ex was a “big” guy (yes I’m talking about d*ck size) and that sex with him was never great because it was painful, and that sex with me is a lot better for her and more pleasurable. The thing that bothers me is that I feel like 1. She did a lot more sexually with her ex than she does with me and 2. She has recurring uti’s post sex and I feel like it’s because of her ex that this happens, maybe cuz of their rough sex/him being big. Idk if I can commit to someone that has to take abx every time we have sex and who has been with a couple other guys while she was my first sexual partner. I don’t know why the whole sexual history of her ex really bothers me but it does and if anyone has been through that or has any advice it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
preraph Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 It bothers you because you're insecure. Yup, this is strictly your own problem so don't make it here. Lots of people get UTIs just from regular activity. Certainly if you have been having anal sex with her, she is going to be at danger for getting more UTIs, having nothing to do with her past sex life. It's a matter of hygiene. this would be true whether you do it with your finger or with your penis. There would be no carryover whatsoever from her past lovers that would make her have UTIs now. It's something either she or you are indirectly causing. Maybe she doesn't wipe the right direction and keeps getting them. It's even possible that has nothing to do with sex at all. Sometimes you just get crystals in your urine that are caused from what you eat and how it's being processed by your organs. Sometimes having crystals can mean that you have possibility of having kidney stones sometime. Your insecurity is making you obsess over this. she needs to see a doctor when she gets UTIs and that is the end of the story. Nothing to do with her past lovers and if you are doing the anal play that you need to read up on how to do it right and not cross-contaminate. But that may have absolutely nothing to do with it if you're not doing it. Good luck and don't harp on her about this stuff or you'll lose her. She's done nothing wrong. 3
Author geronimo Posted March 12, 2020 Author Posted March 12, 2020 Thanks for the msg, I agree it is my insecurity and that’s why I haven’t brought it up much with her. And the only one or two times I did she made sure to tell me that our sex is a lot better than her ex’s. Hopefully she’s not lying lol. We have never done anal play, tbh I’m not too interested, and she also told me she tried it once with her ex and she never wants to do that again. Another reason why I feel like she did a lot more sexually with her ex than she is with me. Also she has seen her doctor regarding the recurring utis and he just prescribed her antibiotics to take after sex, which make her quite sick cuz they’re very strong. She tried other things like Dmanose or something and other natural cranberry extracts/pills but they never work for her. 1
Fletch Lives Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 Well, you have to try to get over your jealousy with a ghost. She's not interested in that guy, only you. 3 1
elaine567 Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 13 minutes ago, geronimo said: we have been dating for almost 3 years. She wants to take our relationship to the next level but there are somethings that have been bothering me since we first started dating. Why has it taken you this long to consider doing anything about it? 19 minutes ago, geronimo said: Now this is me being insecure and I know it but these things have been eating me up and is the reason why I feel like I can’t commit to her fully. What a complete waste of her time.. You are never going to get over her sexual exploits nor her "big" ex. Neither you or her can rewrite history. She is not in your eyes "good enough" for you, she is not wife material, so just let her go asap is my advice. A lot of misery on both sides could come from this. 1 2
d0nnivain Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 Break up with her. If this is still bothering you after 3 years you are not capable of getting over it. She should not be punished because you have retro-active jealousy. 5 2
smackie9 Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 (edited) Sorry but here is the mom talk....you need to get help. Any mature person wouldn't grill their SO over the penis size and how good the sex was with their ex. I hate to say this but you are sounding incredibly and needlessly insecure. It's something you can't help feeling at this time, but it's obviously a symptom of something bigger that needs to be addressed by a therapist. If you breakup with her, and try with someone else, you will be faced with those same insecurities and again you will question if she is lying about her past and your ability to satisfy her sexually. Your issues are created by you, not your GF's past. Not fair to her. I agree she shouldn't be punished for something that has nothing to do with you. Edited March 12, 2020 by smackie9 4 1
preraph Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 (edited) So it has nothing to do with sex and she's already seeing a doctor. Probably she needs to drink way more water, which I'm sure her doctor has advised, so things move through her organs properly. Meanwhile, I agree you could use some therapy to get to the source of your insecurity so you don't wreck this relationship. I'm glad you came here instead of to her with this because it sounds kind of crazy and it will be insulting to her. So just mark this off your slate of things to worry about. If anything, just be sure she's drinking more plain water and less everything else to help with her problem. Edited March 12, 2020 by preraph 1
elaine567 Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 UTI's related to sexhttps://www.healthline.com/health/uti-after-sex
Hopeful30 Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 Case and point: She is with YOU, enjoys YOU, and wants to be with YOU. What else do you really need? 6 1
contel3 Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 I have struggled with jealousy about exes in the past. Assuming she is not actively doing anything to make you jealous on purpose my advice would be to stop asking questions. If you can't handle the mental images don't ask! If she ever mentions her ex again tell her to shut up. Regarding the feeling that "she did more with her ex sexually": The things that she did with her ex, would you be interested in doing them? If its not a turn on for you, it doesn't matter if she did it with someone else. If it actually is something you'd be interested in, ask her to try. Is there anything that you are unhappy with in the bed room? Sometimes what we think is jealousy is envy. What would be something that makes you feel special? 1
elaine567 Posted March 12, 2020 Posted March 12, 2020 59 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said: She is with YOU, enjoys YOU, and wants to be with YOU. What else do you really need? But that isn't good enough for him. Again he is one of these guys who has had limited sexual experience and whose gf is more experienced. He can't "top" her experience nor can he "top" the experience of her ex or these other guys she had sex with. Everyone he sees is better than him. Even rough painful sex that she hated with her ex is somehow "better"... SMH. This doesn't usually end well. She doesn't want to repeat the bad sexual experiences she had with anyone, but she may oblige if he keeps pressing. Long term that leads to resentment on her part. He feels she is only doing it to please him and that doesn't help his insecurity. Or she refuses to do anything different, or he doesn't ask, BUT he continues to seethe inside... 1 1
Author geronimo Posted March 12, 2020 Author Posted March 12, 2020 Thanks everyone. I understand that this is my own issue and my own insecurity and I will work towards getting help for it. Thank you for all the advice. 1 1
preraph Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 We're glad you came and asked questions. Better us than her. She's not into that guy, and you should know that paying attention to penis size is much more a thing men do than it is a thing women do. they grow up comparing themselves in the locker room and what not and think it's all important to all women and it is only important to a few women. And yours has already straight up told you she didn't even like that aspect of it. And she obviously does like you. So please just relax and enjoy your relationship. 1
basil67 Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 With regards to her having done stuff in the past but not with you....she described an act which she didn't like and doesn't want to repeat. Why would you be jealous of not being able to give her an unpleasant sexual experience? 1
Uptown182 Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 (edited) Definitely your own insecurity. Doesn’t sound like she enjoyed sex with him, so I have no clue why you’re bothered by this. I get UTI’s after sex all the time, has nothing to do with penis size, some women are just more prone to them. I have a feeling you’re insecurity stems from you being a virgin before you met her, and her already having some experience. Edited March 13, 2020 by Uptown182 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 20 hours ago, geronimo said: She has recurring uti’s post sex and I feel like it’s because of her ex that this happens, maybe cuz of their rough sex/him being big. At the risk of sounding condescending (which is not my intention), may I ask how old you are? And whether you had much sex education in school? One doesn't get UTIs from sex they had three years ago, my dude. That's not how it works. I would advise you to read up on what actually causes them, so that you don't let your insecurity misguide your thinking on this any further. On that note, it's indeed your insecurity that is the problem here, as the others have already pointed out. You cannot change her past; you can only learn to accept it, or let her go in favour of someone whose sexual experience is the same as or less than yours. It sounds like you know too much about her prior sex life, but I am wondering if that's because she randomly offered it or because you asked invasive questions. Based on this thread, I am going to assume it's the latter? 2 1
K.K. Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 Why did she insist on talking about her ex’s big schlong though. Humble bragging. ”Ohh myy it was just wayyy toooo BIG and I was just soooo small that it felt like a tree trunk had invaded my little girly cave. Wow was it ever painful and hard to handle. I’m soooo glad that your penis is not ... like that.” Pulllleaaase. .. Don’t do this, people !! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 4 minutes ago, K.K. said: Why did she insist on talking about her ex’s big schlong though. To be fair, we don't know that she insisted on it. He might have been the one to probe the matter. Not pun intended. 1 1
K.K. Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: To be fair, we don't know that she insisted on it. He might have been the one to probe the matter. Not pun intended. Well in that case, the standard answer should always be, ”ehh... it was aiiiighht.”
Mystery4u Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 Can't change what happened in the past before you two met. But you can change the future, both of you together. Focus on that, and the present. You need to either accept her how she is, past as well, or find someone else.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 30 minutes ago, K.K. said: Well in that case, the standard answer should always be, ”ehh... it was aiiiighht.” Sure, but given that OP sounds insecure and I'm sure his girlfriend knows it, I think she was likely trying to soothe his anxiety by assuring him it was unpleasant. We know that's not particularly effective, of course, but here we are. 1 1
kendahke Posted March 13, 2020 Posted March 13, 2020 (edited) On 3/12/2020 at 9:58 AM, geronimo said: Hopefully she’s not lying lol. why do you think she's a liar? And why are you with a liar? Quote I feel like she did a lot more sexually with her ex than she is with me. she is allowed to do that--that's how people find out going forward what they do and don't like to do. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. If this is about you're mad because she's had more experience than you, break up, date and sleep around to get your numbers/experience count up and then get back to her. Edited March 13, 2020 by kendahke
Hopeful30 Posted March 14, 2020 Posted March 14, 2020 14 hours ago, enigma32 said: Maybe a girl that doesn't talk about how big her ex's penis is for starters. She said this to drive home the point that she prefers OPs manhood over her exes. OP is twisting this out of insecurity. And by the way, there IS such a thing as too big, and I've refused to be with men after learning their size for this exact reason. Just like men range in size, women do too. It's about finding the right fit. OP fits better, but apparently this isn't good enough and he would rather be too big. This has nothing to do with his girlfriend.
OatsAndHall Posted March 14, 2020 Posted March 14, 2020 You're "Chasing Amy", my friend. Nothing good will come out of it. 1
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