First date - should I pass on her for this?

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, miranda561 said:

I wasnt sure. After i typed that out. But out of curiosity, why were they not fun

Eh, lots of reasons that pretty much boil down to his interest being greater than mine. No matter how many pictures you see or conversations you have, the face-to-face interaction is unpredictable.  Maybe I'm just insanely picky, but I don't meet many men I want to see again, whereas most of these men claim to want to see me again. The longer we spend together on the first meet, the harder it is to not feel bad about declining a second date.

[SumGuy]

8 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

You can call it that. On date #2, I’ll pay. I’d go to the bathroom towards the end of the evening and detour to the bar/cashier to pay the bill. I prefer to avoid the awkward “I’ll get it”, “no please let me get it” thing. 

Classic!

I've paid when she went to the restroom before we left to avoid the whole dance.   Now wonder what happens if she pays on the way while I pay the server?  Hmm.

[miranda561]

2 hours ago, MimiCupid82 said:

Turning down 4 women!!!......That's pretty interesting coming from a guy. You must be an AMAZING person to have had multiple women actively pursue you!! I'm curious to know what happed to all those women??  Where you even attracted or interested in any one of them??? Looking back do you regret turning them down? Do you still talk to them at least? What's the story? I don't think I've ever heard of a man turning down multiple women. Sorry no offense!!!!

I met a guy online about 8 months ago who turned me down after ONE date, but then texted me 2 months later asking if I was still available for another date. I guess he realized what he was missing. Needless to say Ignored his requests. 

Never go back to someone who rejected you in the first place. 

Its good you didn't, just keep that up. 

Edited May 10, 2020 by miranda561

[miranda561]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

Eh, lots of reasons that pretty much boil down to his interest being greater than mine. No matter how many pictures you see or conversations you have, the face-to-face interaction is unpredictable.  Maybe I'm just insanely picky, but I don't meet many men I want to see again, whereas most of these men claim to want to see me again. The longer we spend together on the first meet, the harder it is to not feel bad about declining a second date.

Im picky  aswell. I find what you said to be SO true. Like it doesnt matter how long youve been speaking/how many pics you've seen. Being in front of them in person is just always so weird and awkward. I think there was only one guy who was cool but i think i ended up friend zoning him.

So have you still not found anyone you like. And how old are you if you dont mind

 Its just good to hear about other peoples online experiences

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, miranda561 said:

Im picky  aswell.

If the numbers in your username are indicative of your location, I can only say:  I left there a year ago and so happy I did.  It was a dating wasteland.

[miranda561]

11 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

If the numbers in your username are indicative of your location, I can only say:  I left there a year ago and so happy I did.  It was a dating wasteland.

Lol where was that? Theyre just random numbers 

[miranda561]

13 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

If the numbers in your username are indicative of your location, I can only say:  I left there a year ago and so happy I did.  It was a dating wasteland.

Oh Florida. . No not there

[salparadise]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

So what?  Men have their own entitlement issues too, don't they?

Many men believe if he has been taking a woman out and she's interested, he is entitled to sex on or before the third date, and if he doesn't get what he feels he is entitled to as a man, he will assume lack of interest and dump her! 

I've read posts from men attesting to this, so what's the difference?  

Perfect examples of both the fallacy of False Equivalency (one not being related to the other), and the Tu quoque fallacy (Latin for "you also"). The appeal to hypocrisy, is an informal fallacy that pretends to discredit an argument by asserting the opponent's failure to act consistently in accordance with its conclusion(s). However, in this case the assertion is not even related to the topic at hand, that of gender entitlement. Another false assumption you make is that sex is exclusively for the man's benefit, and there is no evidence that men see it as an entitlement, as opposed to simply not being interested in waiting six months (or whatever). There are plenty of women who would dump a guy for not being as interested in sex as they are. Granted there may be a few who feel entitled to sex on the third date, and you are as free to dump them as they are to dump a woman who doesn't offer to pay her fair share. But it's still a flawed argument for the reasons given above.

[salparadise]

4 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Maybe I'm just insanely picky, but I don't meet many men I want to see again, whereas most of these men claim to want to see me again. The longer we spend together on the first meet, the harder it is to not feel bad about declining a second date.

There should be an academy to bestow awards on women for the pickiness virtue. And the trophy would be a large forehead tattoo denoting their pickiness quotient. I swear, I'm never going to date another woman who doesn't have a perfect ass, tits, and teeth––now why doesn't that sound like a virtue when a man says it?

Edited May 10, 2020 by salparadise

[introverted1]

12 minutes ago, salparadise said:

There should be an academy to bestow awards on women for the pickiness virtue. And the trophy would be a large forehead tattoo denoting their pickiness quotient. I swear, I'm never going to date another woman who doesn't have a perfect ass, tits, and teeth––now why doesn't that sound like a virtue when a man says it?

Maybe I should have added that I am weirdly picky. 

I swear there is a cosmic being somewhere laughing at my foibles. 

I meet lots of guys with money (and the willingness to lavish it) and good looks but nothing, NOTHING, trumps personality. 

So maybe for you, perfect tits, ass, and teeth would be the trifecta.  For me it reads more like sane, smart, funny.  And that is really hard to find. And there's no amount of money or good looks that can compensate for the lack of intellectual spark/playfulness. 

Edited May 10, 2020 by introverted1

[salparadise]

8 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

So maybe for you, perfect tits, ass, and teeth would be the trifecta.  For me it reads more like sane, smart, funny.  And that is really hard to find. And there's no amount of money or good looks that can compensate for the lack of intellectual spark/playfulness. 

Nah, I'm pretty much the same as you. I don't expect physical perfection, hell I'm older and nowhere near perfect myself. But... there is a threshold for attraction, and my particular fetish (for lack of a better term) is highly effective synapses combined with empathy, self-awareness, kindness, and a compatible world view. And if she doesn't at least offer to split on the first date, we probably don't have compatible world views. On my last first date, about 4 months ago, she offered to split and I asked if she would allow me to treat her (it was a fairly large check for a first date- we were already acquainted, I picked the restaurant, and I just wanted to), and she did. Then she insisted on covering the next 2 or 3 less expensive ones. Lovely, lovey woman. So even though I argue strongly on the principle, sometimes I just want to treat. But it's the fact that she offered and didn't feel entitled that I feel so much respect. This whole topic is interesting and complex in a sense, but damn the entitlement stuff puts me off.

[introverted1]

5 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Nah, I'm pretty much the same as you. I don't expect physical perfection, hell I'm older and nowhere near perfect myself. But... there is a threshold for attraction, and my particular fetish (for lack of a better term) is highly effective synapses combined with empathy, self-awareness, kindness, and a compatible world view.

Yeah, this, too.

Of course there has to be physical attraction but it's so undefinable for me, and largely driven by personality. I have dated guys who were objectively not that attractive, but smart, caring, men who "get" me are a total turn-on. 

As for paying - it's nice to treat someone and it's nice to be treated.  In a balanced relationship, issues of entitlement and being taken advantage of should be moot.

Edited May 11, 2020 by introverted1

[poppyfields]

53 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Maybe I should have added that I am weirdly picky. 

I swear there is a cosmic being somewhere laughing at my foibles. 

I meet lots of guys with money (and the willingness to lavish it) and good looks but nothing, NOTHING, trumps personality. 

So maybe for you, perfect tits, ass, and teeth would be the trifecta.  For me it reads more like sane, smart, funny.  And that is really hard to find. And there's no amount of money or good looks that can compensate for the lack of intellectual spark/playfulness. 

I'm the same introverted, it's extremely rare when I feel "attracted to" a man, which goes WAY beyond the physical. Personality of course but mostly it's a mutual energy that's intangible, impossible to define.

The men I've dated never understood this, they were having a completely different experience based on my physical appearance. 

I've had men give me a really hard time about this, especially when they've lavished money, so I made the decision that when I'm not interested, it's best I pay for myself.  

Worked out better for me.  Less hassle.  

Agree about balance too, after the first few dates, we both contribute, monetarily and in others ways, so we both feel valued. 

Edited May 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Quote

 

Deleted, nevermind, it's all good. 

Edited May 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[miranda561]

48 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I'm the same introverted, it's extremely rare when I feel "attracted to" a man, which goes WAY beyond the physical. Personality of course but mostly it's a mutual energy that's intangible, impossible to define.

The men I've dated never understood this, they were having a completely different experience based on my physical appearance. 

I've had men give me a really hard time about this, especially when they've lavished money, so I made the decision that when I'm not interested, it's best I pay for myself.  

Worked out better for me.  Less hassle.  

Agree about balance too, after the first few dates, we both contribute, monetarily and in others ways, so we both feel valued. 

Ive been in those  exact same scenarios

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

As for paying - it's nice to treat someone and it's nice to be treated.  In a balanced relationship, issues of entitlement and being taken advantage of should be moot.

Quoted again for emphasis!!   

Edited May 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[CaliforniaGirl]

7 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Classic!

I've paid when she went to the restroom before we left to avoid the whole dance.   Now wonder what happens if she pays on the way while I pay the server?  Hmm.

Well, the server remains very quiet.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Everyone is picky. We all have various preferences, some very firm. If not, we'd all just pair up two-by-two from two parallel lines at college graduation and whomever you wound up with, that's who you'd go apartment hunting with.

Of course we're picky; we should be.

Picky FTW.

Edited May 11, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Deleted, nevermind, it's all good. 

I'll bet I know at least a ballpark of what this was going to be. So anyway...FWIW I agree...probably.  

[MimiCupid82]

9 hours ago, JS84 said:

They were women through work. Mostly nurses. lol I'm not that great at all and I consider it kind of a fluke occurrence. I rarely get much attention. I consider myself an average guy and if I'm being honest kind of on the boring side.

I don't regret it and I still talk to one through text occasionally as I'm not currently working through any of them. She was the one who was most direct and showed the most interest. Do I regret it now? No. Will I someday? It's possible and wouldn't surprise me. I'm 35 so still feel like I have plenty of time to find someone if I choose. That being said, I remember turning 30 like it was the other day. Time does tend to fly the older you get. And no I wasn't really attracted to any of them but they were all nice. I'm just not very trusting and don't think I should be in a relationship at this point in time even if I wanted to. Still I could see myself looking back on my life and missed opportunities and having regrets. Just not there yet.

Ya you were right to ignore that guy lol.

Im sorry but I don’t think a woman would show interest in a man if there wasn’t something special she saw in him. It takes a TON of guts for a Woman to go after a guy she likes. I’ve never done it myself but I don’t doubt that I would if I felt he was worth fighting for. Kinda sounds like you just have some self confidence issues. You should definitely give yourself a shot at love, life is too short to be alone. I’m sorry you have trust issues I know that can be hard to overcome. Do you at least have a sex life???? Not to many men go without sex. 

[JS84]

23 minutes ago, MimiCupid82 said:

Im sorry but I don’t think a woman would show interest in a man if there wasn’t something special she saw in him. It takes a TON of guts for a Woman to go after a guy she likes. I’ve never done it myself but I don’t doubt that I would if I felt he was worth fighting for. Kinda sounds like you just have some self confidence issues. You should definitely give yourself a shot at love, life is too short to be alone. I’m sorry you have trust issues I know that can be hard to overcome. Do you at least have a sex life???? Not to many men go without sex. 

Not really. I've been celibate about 2 years now. All the hoops you have to jump through and games you have to play to have sex aren't even worth it to me anymore at this point.  If I ever do get desperate enough for sex I think I'd rather just pay for it.

[MimiCupid82]

24 minutes ago, JS84 said:

Not really. I've been celibate about 2 years now. All the hoops you have to jump through and games you have to play to have sex aren't even worth it to me anymore at this point.  If I ever do get desperate enough for sex I think I'd rather just pay for it.

So you were obviously with someone two years ago, what happened with that relationship??? Did you give up on her because of your trust issues or did she break your heart? Have you been hurt so much that you just gave up on love? 

Sorry for all the questions but your situation is definitely unique!!! 
 

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

6 hours ago, salparadise said:

There should be an academy to bestow awards on women for the pickiness virtue. And the trophy would be a large forehead tattoo denoting their pickiness quotient. I swear, I'm never going to date another woman who doesn't have a perfect ass, tits, and teeth––now why doesn't that sound like a virtue when a man says it?

I think if she said "I'll never again date a man who isn't 6" with a giant pole and an 8-pack" this comparison would make more sense but she just said she's picky. For all we know that means he has to love dogs or be willing to accept her special-needs brother. A lot of men say they're picky. I don't know, I would jump right away to this equating to demanding Chris Pratt, you know?

[JS84]

18 minutes ago, MimiCupid82 said:

So you were obviously with someone two years ago, what happened with that relationship??? Did you give up on her because of your trust issues or did she break your heart? Have you been hurt so much that you just gave up on love? 

Sorry for all the questions but your situation is definitely unique!!! 
 

Actually I haven't been in a relationship for 9 years. And I think she's married with 2 or 3 kids now, can't be sure. We just fizzled out. My last few sexual partners were all casual and overseas hookups. Most of the relationships I've seen in my life just turn to s***. And honestly when you cut sex and the opposite sex out of your life, you'd be amazed how much less stress you have to deal with. Even thinking about being in a relationship all I can do is picture all the ways things will most likely go wrong and how slim of a chance there is to actually be happy in one. She'll cheat, get bored, drop her mask, flake out, have psych issues, monkey branch to some other guy, etc I can go on. Seen it all over and over and over and am not interested in being a part of that. 

Believe me though I'm not as doom and gloom as I sound lol, I'm relatively content with my life besides wanting a career change. I just have no desire for a relationship and I generally try to avoid getting close to women these days period.

I don't think my situation is all that unique personally.

Edited May 11, 2020 by JS84

[MimiCupid82]

1 hour ago, JS84 said:

Actually I haven't been in a relationship for 9 years. And I think she's married with 2 or 3 kids now, can't be sure. We just fizzled out. My last few sexual partners were all casual and overseas hookups. Most of the relationships I've seen in my life just turn to s***. And honestly when you cut sex and the opposite sex out of your life, you'd be amazed how much less stress you have to deal with. Even thinking about being in a relationship all I can do is picture all the ways things will most likely go wrong and how slim of a chance there is to actually be happy in one. She'll cheat, get bored, drop her mask, flake out, have psych issues, monkey branch to some other guy, etc I can go on. Seen it all over and over and over and am not interested in being a part of that. 

Believe me though I'm not as doom and gloom as I sound lol, I'm relatively content with my life besides wanting a career change. I just have no desire for a relationship and I generally try to avoid getting close to women these days period.

I don't think my situation is all that unique personally.

Wow! Ive personally found it hard to go without sex, my ex and I used to have very good sex and living without it is a nightmare. I always assumed single men almost always maintained some type of sex life. So you don't like being close to women? Then were your last few sex partners just random women?? How did you meet them? Did they approach you?It seems like your not as bad of a person as you think, if you got game like that! Just saying 

Edited May 11, 2020 by MimiCupid82