First date - should I pass on her for this?

[salparadise]

4 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Get where you are coming from, just when think on it, at least for me, it's not a very good filter.

I think it’s an excellent filter — I ended up having a nice relationship with the first woman who insisted after I tried to decline. It had nothing to do with whether she was interested in going out again. It had to do with equality and transcending gender stereotypes and patriarchy. 

[simpycurious]

15 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Ehh, I think taking a woman out to Taco Bueno for a 1st date and covering the $8 bill is probably worse than making her split the bill at a nice restaurant 🤔

But agreed, a man should never invite a woman on a date he isn't willing to pay for.

I agree with you.  I do not know any man that would ever take a first date to a fast food place.  I would venture to say that the one's I know are on the total

opposite end of the spectrum restaurant wise from fast food and the men always pay FOR EVERYTHING.  I cannot get over why that is looked upon negatively.

I don't equate paying for a date as anything other than covering the bill no further strings attached.  

[SumGuy]

15 hours ago, salparadise said:

I think it’s an excellent filter — I ended up having a nice relationship with the first woman who insisted after I tried to decline. It had nothing to do with whether she was interested in going out again. It had to do with equality and transcending gender stereotypes and patriarchy. 

That's great, it is also an n of 1.  I am all for equality and transcending gender stereotypes, just have different filters rely on for that.  I will agree if it is expected because of my gender, I'll pass.  I can see the whole idea of the one who asks pays especially if the venue is expensive.   

I really wish I kept better track of it in my head about if she offered to pay, etc. on the first date.   Generally if it s going good there is so much more than who pays that signals to me this will work, if the connection is not there well so be it....though when the chemistry and relationship type connection is not there (even if we are having fun) there is a good chance the woman wants to split.   

[littleblackheart]

40 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

I cannot get over why that is looked upon negatively.

It's not looked upon negatively.

 

It's just that men (like women) are allowed not to have their whole 'masculinity' shot to flames because of outdated 'first date rule' between complete strangers.

 

 Do it because you want to, not because society dictates it's the 'man' thing to do (whatever that is).

 

 

Edited March 14, 2020 by littleblackheart

[SumGuy]

What littleblackheart said.

[salparadise]

59 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

...and the men always pay FOR EVERYTHING.  I cannot get over why that is looked upon negatively.

That's because you only see it from one perspective, that of the beneficiary. What if custom dictated that the woman always paid FOR EVERYTHING... and men just took for granted that they were entitled to be treated, because after all, they're men? 

I won't get into the concept of patriarchy, ownership, and possession of one gender by the other for the purposes of breeding and sexual access on demand––assuming those aren't issues you consider relevant.

[Shining One]

Just to expand on what I posted earlier... My most recent ex is an egalitarian woman. She did not offer to contribute on our first date. She paid the entire bill on our second date. There was no discussion about it, it just happened. If I had dropped her for not offering on our first date, I would have missed out on arguably the best relationship I ever had.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 3/12/2020 at 6:27 AM, Leojax said:

So I had a date with this absolutely gorgeous woman. The check comes and she didn’t offer to pay. I’ll admit she did say thank you. She ubered to the restaurant and I offered to take her home, which she took me up on. After I drop her off she texted me and said, “thanks again for the ride ”

Should I next her for not even offering to pay? She didn’t even do the fake grab at the check.

 

The only question of importance here is: 

 

DO YOU wish to date this absolutely gorgeous woman again?  

 

 

[Miss Spider]

Theoretically, if I were a man I would next her if I was looking for a gf and only invite her over for a chill date  to smash. I wouldn’t put up with inconsiderate behavior. 

In theory, I always imagine myself as this really good looking, intelligent,  charming  dude with plenty of hot women looking to date him,  though.

Realistically, yes, I would let her pass and probably end up paying for the rest of our dates until she ghosted me. 

Edited March 15, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Ruby Slippers]

Since it bothers you so much, I think you should move on. If she were on the same page as you, she would have at least offered. 

[Interstellar]

You’re not talking about the signals she gave you and instead focusing on the money. did she touch you at least once during the date? did she laugh at your corny jokes? did she compliment you? was she happy to see you? are you attracted to her?

if you’re concerned about money then don’t take them to a fancy restaurant and just do coffee dates.

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

The only question of importance here is: 

 

DO YOU wish to date this absolutely gorgeous woman again?  

 

 

It's never a bad move to ERROR on the side of HOTNESS...just my thoughts.

STOP WORRYING about the MONEY.  You had fun, she's gorgeous focus on maybe seeing her again and have fun.

[Miss Spider]

Err on the side of hotness... I’m stealing that. you are quite the philosopher, simpy 

[simpycurious]

Just now, Cookiesandough said:

Err on the side of hotness... I’m stealing that. you are quite the philosopher, simpy 

LOL...I don't think that will win any literary award but you get the point....

The OP needs to just get past the whole "who paid" deal and arrange a second and third date.  Something super fun and maybe

a little unique.  WOW her if he can.  

[Backinthesaddleagain]

21 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

...In theory, I always imagine myself as this really good looking, intelligent,  charming  dude with plenty of hot women looking to date him,  though...

But most people do haha. For the sake of science, we had better have a look. 😂

[nospam99]

Topic #1 - irresistible straight line ...

cookies said: ''In theory, I always imagine myself as this really good looking, intelligent, charming dude with plenty of hot women looking to date him, though. ''

Might your tendency to imagine that be because in reality, you are this really good looking, intelligent, charming gal with plenty of hot guys looking to date you, though. ???

Topic #2 - err on the side of hotness. nospam concurs.

Topic #3 (and finally on topic) - if the OP is going to pass because HIS date let HIM pay for the first date, I'd be willing to 'step up' and be the next guy to give the lady her chance. FWIW, as a 'traditional boomer gentlemen', I pay for ALL dates until 'we' decide whether or not we're exclusive (so far, never more than 3 dates).

[lil_missy]

You paid for Chinese fried rice and drink, that wouldn’t be more than $15? Not $200 for some fancy meal! 

And you want to next this girl? 

Are you even interested in her or not?! 

When I was dating I always did the “fake grab” but no guy that was interested in me ever let me pay. If they did I’d know they were not interested.

same as if a guy had a car and doesn’t offer to drive you back, that’s def sign of no interest. At least you drove her back and didn’t complain about that lol 

 

[Uptown182]

On 3/12/2020 at 10:22 AM, girlinNYC said:

Many women still believe in the traditional man pays on the first date type of scenario. Any first date I’ve been on the man has paid habitually and blatantly refused to only pay half. You’ll probably find many guys with that traditional mindset too, which reaffirms to most women that that’s just how it is. 
Dating might not be the place to be if you’re concerned about paying cheques on the first date. 

Agreed!  Other than her being gorgeous and not reaching for her purse, how did the date go?  Shouldn’t the chemistry and conversation be the deciding factor here? 

[simpycurious]

On 3/15/2020 at 7:20 PM, lil_missy said:

You paid for Chinese fried rice and drink, that wouldn’t be more than $15? Not $200 for some fancy meal! 

And you want to next this girl? 

Are you even interested in her or not?! 

When I was dating I always did the “fake grab” but no guy that was interested in me ever let me pay. If they did I’d know they were not interested.

same as if a guy had a car and doesn’t offer to drive you back, that’s def sign of no interest. At least you drove her back and didn’t complain about that lol 

 

I don't know ANY guys that NOT want to pay for the date.  You gotta drive her back cause IT'S the RIGHT THING TO DO regardless if you are interested in 

another date or not.  JUST BE A GOOD GUY and the rest will take care of itself

[Averis1]

On 3/12/2020 at 7:04 AM, d0nnivain said:

No.  You invited her on a date.  That implies an offer to pay, IMO.  the person who asks pays.  It doesn't make her entitled.  

 

No it does NOT imply an offer to pay. It's a social norm for men to take the risks & make the moves. It doesn't mean PAYMENTS.

Please do NOT exploit social norms for your entitlement.

You're a little out there for doing this mental gymnastics. It's really entitled to feel someone has to pay for your dates 'cause he asked you out.

[Averis1]

On 3/12/2020 at 10:50 AM, Hopeful30 said:

When a woman invites you to dinner, I hope you don't feel uncomfortable when she passes on you for not having offered to cook your half of the meal...

Just how petty and cheap are you? It's a social norm men have to abide by, it's not some fun privilege. You feel entitled to free meals 'cause of this?

Then why whine non-stop about "Why hasn't he called me?" "How come he doesn't take me out?" Your mindset's super disrespectful.

Men paying for dates is FINE in my opinion but when you act this entitled, men likely will stop paying for what you consume.
 

[Averis1]

On 3/12/2020 at 12:57 PM, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

what you felt you were owed?  

Paying for what YOU ate and put in your mouth maybe isn't asking for much...? 

Traditional men only when convenient. I love it.

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, Averis1 said:

No it does NOT imply an offer to pay. It's a social norm for men to take the risks & make the moves. It doesn't mean PAYMENTS.

Please do NOT exploit social norms for your entitlement.

You're a little out there for doing this mental gymnastics. It's really entitled to feel someone has to pay for your dates 'cause he asked you out.

If the woman does the asking she is obligated to pay too.  My "rule of thumb" works both ways.  

Why is this such a hot button issue for you? 

[poppyfields]

On 3/12/2020 at 2:17 PM, rjc149 said:

It's simple male chivalry and an assertion of masculinity to take care of her. 

I may get beat up for saying this, but on a raw visceral level, the above quote gave me a chill, turned me on.

That is why when a man asks me out on a romantic date, *assuming I am into him*, I like him to pay, and why HE likes to pay.

Just my experience with the men I've dated including current. 

Sure I make my own money, so does he.

But this is romance, courtship if you will, and a man paying is very simply put, a turn on for many women, for the reason so eloquently stated in the above quote.

That is not to say I won't offer to buy us an after-dinner drink someplace else or dessert, I have but except for a few, they have declined my offer.

I had one man actually get insulted when I offered to pay!  I kid you not, he got insulted! 

I get what you guys are saying, about equality and all that, it makes sense logically, but romance and attraction are not logical, they're just not.

It's emotional, it's visceral, it's chemical, it's raw, its sexual.  If you're looking to make a "friend" fine, ask her to split. 

That said, I know there are women who will totally disagree with this and who actually prefer to pay, which is fine too! 

To each his own, whatever works.

Just offering a different perspective from the standard, "if she doesn't offer to pay, she's self-entitled" mentality. 

 

Edited May 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[ThereSheGoes]

Eh, I'm old school. I don't like paying for dates.  It makes me feel like I'm his friend or something.  Now if we're married or in a domestic partnership, I would get it. But....I'm more old school on that front. He pays for the date, he picks you up, he makes sure that you get home safely (even waiting in the driveway until you get inside, and you give the wave of goodbye/all clear.) Like.....thats what guys do on a date. I'm all for erasing patriarchal stereotypes, but on that part, I'm a bit more traditional. I like to cook and clean, and I do it in vintage dresses. And I show my appreciation to him in other ways (not just sexual, but I'm a very emotional person, so I'll bake a cake for him, rub his back,  iron his clothes, give him all the TLC he can take) I think that equals out. We're taking care of each other, and isn't that what a relationship should be about?

 

That being said, I'm unemployed, guys know I'm unemployed, I don't hide this from them. So how does he expect me to pay? Go in the back and give hand jobs to all of the staff?