First date - should I pass on her for this?

[SumGuy]

@some_username1

Get where you are coming from, just when think on it, at least for me, it's not a very good filter.   It's kind of a dichotomy if she insists (more than fake grab) to pay on a first date.  Either she's in to me or the opposite.  When the opposite I believe it is so I have no expectations because I paid for the date.  I've been lucky in when she was not into me that way the feeling was mutual (even when we had a lot of fun).

Have to say for me it is about magnanimousity, not chivalry (i.e. not based on gender roles, but more on host-guest roles)  I'll offer to pick up tabs in pure friend settings as well, just paying it back.  I also tip really, really well...more paying it back.   So it is really no thing to me...I may even pay when she goes to the restroom at the end so it is no thing to her.  However, I'm more let.s meet for drinks and maybe a bite to eat, for first meets/dates, not a full scale dinner...so her share is not going to come to more than $30-40 at most.

[thefooloftheyear]

On 3/12/2020 at 12:56 PM, SunnySide0418 said:

You're the MAN. You're supposed to pay!!! Sheesh

Yep.....and they'll keep telling guys that, even when the divorce papers get drawn up..

TFY

[Calmandfocused]

No you shouldn’t pass on her just because of this,  nor should you judge her character for it. 
 

Are you making an issue out of this because you expect women to pay half on the first date as a rule or is it because you don’t like her enough and are finding an excuse not to see her again? 
 

If it’s the latter just don’t see her again. You don’t need to find a “reason” for it. 
 

My views on this vary in relation to context, intention and what the behaviour means. 
 

For example: 
 

I once had a second date with a guy and he took me for a pub meal. He spent the date bragging about how financially flush he was, all the assets he possessed and how he had the “luxury” of doing/ buying what he wants when he wants. By contrast I’d just got divorced which cost me a fortune (£30k if you’re interested) and he knew that the cost had crippled me. 
Anyway, when the bill came he said “Are you getting this?”.

Bearing in mind the above and the fact he’d bought me a cup of tea on our first date,  I was absolutely appalled.
 

In another context I would have felt differently but in this context it told me a huge amount about this man’s character. I paid the bill and never saw him again. 
 

 

Edited March 13, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[preraph]

I never would have run up a drink tab on a guy when I was dating, and I drank a lot back then.  In fact, I am pretty sure I supplied more booze than I ever got bought for me.  I sometimes brought a bottle of wine or champagne to a date or had it for afterwards.  Guys seem more willing to pay for drinks for a woman than food.  Gee, I wonder why.  

[thefooloftheyear]

I dont claim to be any expert here, but common sense says if shes out on a date and expecting the guy to pay, that's fine, but then if she's not feeling it, then she should pay her half...or at least offer....

I think to make a guy pay for the whole tab when there is no interest, then its bush league and lame on her part....And while its hard to tell from the short original post, id say that  there was no interest on her part...

TFY

[smackie9]

This is why you keep your limit low for the first date...like 20 bucks...you shouldn't pay anymore than that on a stranger. You invited her out so grab the cheque like a man and be done with it.

[preraph]

Over the top first dates aren't comfortable for most women anyway, unless they live an extravagant lifestyle on a normal basis anyway.  It makes them feel weird on too many levels.  Moderation is best.  I mean, taco places are all over and they're good and they're cheap, or even a really good hamburger place.  Where I live there's cheap italian food too.  Don't invite a woman somewhere you can't afford!  

[Beendaredonedat]

My husband makes me feel safe and protected by his demeanour and the way he shows me he values me.  

 

I'll add I was referring to equal pay for "equal work."

Edited March 13, 2020 by Beendaredonedat

[zawadi16]

1 hour ago, thefooloftheyear said:

I dont claim to be any expert here, but common sense says if shes out on a date and expecting the guy to pay, that's fine, but then if she's not feeling it, then she should pay her half...or at least offer....

I think to make a guy pay for the whole tab when there is no interest, then its bush league and lame on her part....And while its hard to tell from the short original post, id say that  there was no interest on her part...

TFY

Why do you think there was no interest on her part? I’m really curious to see how you came to that conclusion. 

[zawadi16]

57 minutes ago, preraph said:

Over the top first dates aren't comfortable for most women anyway, unless they live an extravagant lifestyle on a normal basis anyway.  It makes them feel weird on too many levels.  Moderation is best.  I mean, taco places are all over and they're good and they're cheap, or even a really good hamburger place.  Where I live there's cheap italian food too.  Don't invite a woman somewhere you can't afford!  

This.

 

OP where did you go? Was it expensive? 

[thefooloftheyear]

2 minutes ago, zawadi16 said:

Why do you think there was no interest on her part? I’m really curious to see how you came to that conclusion. 

No hug, no peck,  nothing,  then a half assed text saying "thanks for the ride"..??

No..."hey, I had a GREAT time, cant wait to do it again"  or some other thing instead of "thanks for the ride',,,She probably said the same thing to the Uber driver that dropped her off..

TFY

[Backinthesaddleagain]

3 hours ago, Beendaredonedat said:

Oh my, no.   It's well known that woman are still being paid less then men who do the same job but I'll pretend I didn't read what you just said. 

I saw your confused reaction to my last post. I still stand by what I said, despite it's misogynistic undertones. No matter what the media and people try to tell you, men and women are not equal, and generally not treated as such. Not in the US or any 1st world western country, and sure as hell not in any less developed nation or 3rd world country.  

It's shameful and I don't always agree, but I like to live in reality and see things for how they really are. Not for how I would like them to be. 

With that said, I consider myself pro-feminism and also pro-humanitarianism.

 

[Leojax]

1 hour ago, thefooloftheyear said:

No hug, no peck,  nothing,  then a half assed text saying "thanks for the ride"..??

No..."hey, I had a GREAT time, cant wait to do it again"  or some other thing instead of "thanks for the ride',,,She probably said the same thing to the Uber driver that dropped her off..

TFY

Well I told her during the date I was enjoying her company. When I dropped her off I gave her a hug and said we should try this new spot next time and she said yea we should.

Given that new information, would you still say that she’s not interested?

 

[rjc149]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

Over the top first dates aren't comfortable for most women anyway, unless they live an extravagant lifestyle on a normal basis anyway.  It makes them feel weird on too many levels.  Moderation is best.  I mean, taco places are all over and they're good and they're cheap, or even a really good hamburger place.  Where I live there's cheap italian food too.  Don't invite a woman somewhere you can't afford!  

Ehh, I think taking a woman out to Taco Bueno for a 1st date and covering the $8 bill is probably worse than making her split the bill at a nice restaurant 

But agreed, a man should never invite a woman on a date he isn't willing to pay for.

[littleblackheart]

On 3/12/2020 at 1:27 PM, Leojax said:

Should I next her for not even offering to pay? She didn’t even do the fake grab at the check.

How did you 2 meet and how old are you?

 

If on OLD, I get why you'd be a bit put off about her not even offering to split. You're both complete strangers, you are on OLD apps for the same exact reason and the lines of 'traditional mindsets' are somewhat blurred in terms of 'who invites pays'. If women always wait to be invited, that doesn't seem right somehow. Nothing to do with feminism, but I personally would not be comfortable with every guy I don't know shouting me dinner just because. Of course if it's his choice, it's a completely different story.

 

It's not a 'man' thing to pay for a first date, it's just a social convention that says nothing at all about level of attraction or character of either party.

 

You are perfectly within your rights to not want to pursue further, because your boundaries are as valid as the next person's.

[rjc149]

Just now, Leojax said:

Well I told her during the date I was enjoying her company. When I dropped her off I gave her a hug and said we should try this new spot next time and she said yea we should.

Given that new information, would you still say that she’s not interested?

 

Tough to say. If there was zero sexual tension or escalation on your date, not even a quick kiss, then no, she probably won't agree to a 2nd date. Telling a woman on a 1st date that you're enjoying her company, and trying to schedule the next date during the 1st date, is needy and insecure behavior. In this scenario, she will verbally agree to another meetup to avoid confrontation, but will later decline. 

But give it a week and hit her up. See what happens. You have nothing to lose, and she might say yes. 

[zawadi16]

9 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

How did you 2 meet and how old are you?

 

If on OLD, I get why you'd be a bit put off about her not even offering to split. You're both complete strangers, you are on OLD apps for the same exact reason and the lines of 'traditional mindsets' are somewhat blurred in terms of 'who invites pays'. If women always wait to be invited, that doesn't seem right somehow. Nothing to do with feminism, but I personally would not be comfortable with every guy I don't know shouting me dinner just because. Of course if it's his choice, it's a completely different story.

 

It's not a 'man' thing to pay for a first date, it's just a social convention that says nothing at all about level of attraction or character of either party.

 

You are perfectly within your rights to not want to pursue further, because your boundaries are as valid as the next person's.

How do you know they’re on there for the same reasons? Bumble and Tinder are hot beds for just hooking up.

Edited March 13, 2020 by zawadi16

[Leojax]

9 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Tough to say. If there was zero sexual tension or escalation on your date, not even a quick kiss, then no, she probably won't agree to a 2nd date. Telling a woman on a 1st date that you're enjoying her company, and trying to schedule the next date during the 1st date, is needy and insecure behavior. In this scenario, she will verbally agree to another meetup to avoid confrontation, but will later decline. 

But give it a week and hit her up. See what happens. You have nothing to lose, and she might say yes. 

Well I did contact her and we just chit chatted. However, she didn’t bring up seeing me again.

[Leojax]

2 hours ago, zawadi16 said:

This.

 

OP where did you go? Was it expensive? 

To cool Chinese spot. She ordered one drink and fried rice. I asked if she wanted another and she said no because she already had a glass of wine before coming to meet me. 

[littleblackheart]

Presumably people use dating apps to date others, whatever that means to them (a hookup, a fling, a relationship, whatever...). Using an app is a proactive choice, not an accident.

4 minutes ago, zawadi16 said:

How do you know they’re on there for the same reasons? Bumble and Tinder are hot beds for just hooking up.

 

[Beendaredonedat]

4 minutes ago, Leojax said:

Well I did contact her and we just chit chatted. However, she didn’t bring up seeing me again.

Did You bring up seeing her again?

[littleblackheart]

2 minutes ago, Leojax said:

Well I did contact her and we just chit chatted. However, she didn’t bring up seeing me again.

Your OP sounded like you weren't interested in her...

 

If in fact you're just trying to sound out whether she's interested in you, it'll be quicker to ask her out straight up on a second date and see what she says; she's already shown you she's waiting on your lead.

[Beendaredonedat]

1 hour ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

I saw your confused reaction to my last post. I still stand by what I said, despite it's misogynistic undertones. No matter what the media and people try to tell you, men and women are not equal,

Oh, no doubt.  But they should get equal pay for equal work.  

 

1 hour ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

and generally not treated as such.

Especially when it comes to equal pay for equal work which is what I was saying all along.  I went on maternity leave way back in the day and they temporarily replaced me with a male.  I found out they had payed him $3.00 more an hour for the three months I was off.  When I went HR they covered the difference of $3.00 an hour for the three years I had been doing the job because they understood that it was discrimination.  Nice cheque I got but I would never have gotten that if by accident I didn't overhear him telling someone how much he was making an hour.

[preraph]

30 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Ehh, I think taking a woman out to Taco Bueno for a 1st date and covering the $8 bill is probably worse than making her split the bill at a nice restaurant 

But agreed, a man should never invite a woman on a date he isn't willing to pay for.

Well, I wasn't talking about a fast food place, but a real taco restaurant.  Maybe you don't have them where you live.  In Dallas, they are on every corner, and even the more upscale ones are very affordable.  I thought everywhere had tacos now!  But yeah, agree,  so a good nonfast food burger or pizza instead. 

[salparadise]

She’s either an entitled princess or perhaps just a bit clueless as to modern day protocol. If you’re only interested in progressive women who get it, then pass. If you like her enough to overlook a faux pas and see if she offers to contribute on a second or third date, then give her another spin with an open mind.
My guess is that she believes that dating should be free since she’s pretty, and she can probably find plenty of men who are willing to pay to play. Your call. 
Personally, I’d not be interested in someone who had such expectations. I’ve dated a lot in the last few years, and my experience has been that smart, progressive, gracious women get it, and therefore it’s a legitimate filter.