First date - should I pass on her for this?

[Beendaredonedat]

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

When a woman invites you to dinner, I hope you don't feel uncomfortable when she passes on you for not having offered to cook your half of the meal...

Passes n him for not having offered to cook half of the meal?  Hell hand him a peeler and the carrots and say  'Here, you do these while I do this."  Equality!

[Hopeful30]

9 minutes ago, Beendaredonedat said:

Passes n him for not having offered to cook half of the meal?  Hell hand him a peeler and the carrots and say  'Here, you do these while I do this."  Equality!

....................................

Edited March 12, 2020 by Hopeful30

[dramallama]

The matter of who pays can be really awkward. I am used to out-earning most men I'm interested in, and feel really awkward letting someone pay for me. We had a conversation on our first date and he told me he's a traditionalist, and we tend to do low cost activities together so he's paid for most meals, but I tend to do most of the travelling and I do other things for him - tidy up after us at his, give him little gifts occasionally, and I've done some (professional, free) work on one of his projects.

The balance of the value of our time tends to even out that way and we both seem happy with the situation. 

[Leojax]

41 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Wait, who's the entitled one in this scenario?

She is because she didn’t offer.

[Beendaredonedat]

9 minutes ago, Leojax said:

She is because she didn’t offer.

 Bazinga!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

23 minutes ago, Leojax said:

She is because she didn’t offer.

She didn't offer to do what you felt you were owed?  

 

 

[SunnySide0418]

Please next her and spare her having to date someone like you! She needs a real man!

[rjc149]

1st dates should not be over dinner. There's too much expectation and pressure -- sitting through a whole sit-down meal with a stranger is always a little awkward, and there's no easy out it's not going well. Plus, it's a bigger hit to your wallet. 

But back to your situation -- a date at a restaurant. My 2 cents:

If this is the 1st date, and you asked her out on the date, and you planned it out (ie. picked the restaurant), then you pay. This is 100% your show. It's simple male chivalry and an assertion of masculinity to take care of her. 

If nothing sexual occurred (no make out or sex) and she agrees to go out on the second date, then split the bill. Don't ask her, don't bring it up, just instruct the server to split it and that's that. Otherwise she can see you as a desperate beta male who needs to pay for female company, and will naturally take advantage of your generosity (and will be turned off by the expectations placed on her by it). 

If the 1st date ended in with sexual activity (anything beyond making out) then the male chivalry continues. As this is now a sexual relationship, the man takes care of his woman. Pay for the 2nd date, and the 3rd if you had sex again on the 2nd date. She should, however, be at least offering to split the bill by the 3rd date.  

Needless to say, if sexual attraction is not mutually acted upon by the end of the 2nd date, it's not going anywhere. She either isn't giving you the signals, or you're not being sexually assertive enough for her to give you any more. 

Here's the thing for us guys: dating is expensive. You're going to waste money on dates that go nowhere. It's part of the game. 

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

The feminization of men continues...

[some_username1]

19 hours ago, girlinNYC said:

Many women still believe in the traditional man pays on the first date type of scenario. Any first date I’ve been on the man has paid habitually and blatantly refused to only pay half. You’ll probably find many guys with that traditional mindset too, which reaffirms to most women that that’s just how it is. 
Dating might not be the place to be if you’re concerned about paying cheques on the first date. 

In that case OP hand her your trousers and an iron and that will tell you all you need to know about how her traditional mindset works. Something tells me tradition goes out the window at thAt point as far as she is concerned! For a woman, traditional usually means “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine too”

FWIW OP, I agree with you. I am happy to pay for a dinner but I like to see a woman put her hand in her purse and share the cost of drinks before we get to the dinner stage. Failing that, at least offering to pay and/or thanking me for dinner afterwards goes some way towards bridging that divide too.

This woman sounds like she did none of that and that is such a turn off. She obviously has the expectation to be paid for and that is really tacky in this day and age. She wouldn’t want the downsides of a traditional relationship either. I also don’t get this “who asks pays” stuff either because you are effectively paying for someone else’s company and I get told so often that I’m hilarious company that I reject the idea I should have to pay someone for me to give them a good time.

 

[zawadi16]

53 minutes ago, some_username1 said:

In that case OP hand her your trousers and an iron and that will tell you all you need to know about how her traditional mindset works. Something tells me tradition goes out the window at thAt point as far as she is concerned! For a woman, traditional usually means “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine too”

FWIW OP, I agree with you. I am happy to pay for a dinner but I like to see a woman put her hand in her purse and share the cost of drinks before we get to the dinner stage. Failing that, at least offering to pay and/or thanking me for dinner afterwards goes some way towards bridging that divide too.

This woman sounds like she did none of that and that is such a turn off. She obviously has the expectation to be paid for and that is really tacky in this day and age. She wouldn’t want the downsides of a traditional relationship either. I also don’t get this “who asks pays” stuff either because you are effectively paying for someone else’s company and I get told so often that I’m hilarious company that I reject the idea I should have to pay someone for me to give them a good time.

 

I’m guessing you didn’t actually read the OP.

she did thank him and sent a text afterwards thanking him again. 

[Zippy2000]

23 hours ago, Leojax said:

So I had a date with this absolutely gorgeous woman. The check comes and she didn’t offer to pay. I’ll admit she did say thank you. She ubered to the restaurant and I offered to take her home, which she took me up on. After I drop her off she texted me and said, “thanks again for the ride ”

Should I next her for not even offering to pay? She didn’t even do the fake grab at the check.

I hate this and I ve been on dates when most women would offer to pay half.  To expect it its a bit rude and bad mannered however if you do like her enough then see what happens on other dates.

I dated a woman and the first date she never dug her hands in her pocket and then the second date it happened again and I paid for all the drinks and food.  I couldnt go through the next date doing the same thing and called it a day.  

If women have been shouting for equality then they should be expected to pay half.  

[zawadi16]

5 minutes ago, Zippy2000 said:

I hate this and I ve been on dates when most women would offer to pay half.  To expect it its a bit rude and bad mannered however if you do like her enough then see what happens on other dates.

I dated a woman and the first date she never dug her hands in her pocket and then the second date it happened again and I paid for all the drinks and food.  I couldnt go through the next date doing the same thing and called it a day.  

If women have been shouting for equality then they should be expected to pay half.  

How is it rude and bad mannered if HE asked her out?

[Zippy2000]

11 minutes ago, zawadi16 said:

How is it rude and bad mannered if HE asked her out?

Expecting someone to pay.  How many dates have you been to and you where expected to pay?

[girlinNYC]

3 hours ago, some_username1 said:

In that case OP hand her your trousers and an iron and that will tell you all you need to know about how her traditional mindset works. Something tells me tradition goes out the window at thAt point as far as she is concerned! For a woman, traditional usually means “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine too”

FWIW OP, I agree with you. I am happy to pay for a dinner but I like to see a woman put her hand in her purse and share the cost of drinks before we get to the dinner stage. Failing that, at least offering to pay and/or thanking me for dinner afterwards goes some way towards bridging that divide too.

This woman sounds like she did none of that and that is such a turn off. She obviously has the expectation to be paid for and that is really tacky in this day and age. She wouldn’t want the downsides of a traditional relationship either. I also don’t get this “who asks pays” stuff either because you are effectively paying for someone else’s company and I get told so often that I’m hilarious company that I reject the idea I should have to pay someone for me to give them a good time.

 

I didn’t say that I conform to blatantly traditional ideals. I stated that the guys have always paid and refused any payment on my end as they’re acting based off of traditional ideals and engrained social norms. I have offered to chip in and pay on each date as I too consider that polite. I don’t have an entitled attitude where I turn my nose up as soon as the cheque comes. 

[some_username1]

2 hours ago, zawadi16 said:

I’m guessing you didn’t actually read the OP.

she did thank him and sent a text afterwards thanking him again. 

I read that she thanked him for the lift- if I missed that she thanked him for the dinner then fair enough, although for me personally that still wouldn’t be much of a panacea if she sat there and waited for me to reach for my wallet. But that’s just me personally.

[some_username1]

11 minutes ago, girlinNYC said:

I didn’t say that I conform to blatantly traditional ideals. I stated that the guys have always paid and refused any payment on my end as they’re acting based off of traditional ideals and engrained social norms. I have offered to chip in and pay on each date as I too consider that polite. I don’t have an entitled attitude where I turn my nose up as soon as the cheque comes. 

Well then that’s a good attitude. I was replying to your comment in a general sense about the “traditional” mindset because, as we can see on this very forum, a vast majority of the women who use the term “traditional” use it unilaterally- as in the benefits to the female are welcome however don’t dare suggest she make you a sandwich in return because she is an empowered woman who earns her own money (but doesn’t like spending it on dates).

In this day and age, no matter who invites who, we all earn our own money, I despair that there are women who have high powered jobs but are still looking for a guy who displays good provider qualities.

[Mystery4u]

OP you must not have a lot of experience with women.

They like to feel like a princess, that they are being looked after, cared for. That means paying for the meal, especially if it's the first date! No point debating the rights and wrongs as that's just how it is. Men are the leaders, taking care of their female. In return they get a massive amount of love and loyalty. I'm happy with that.

[zawadi16]

54 minutes ago, Zippy2000 said:

Expecting someone to pay.  How many dates have you been to and you where expected to pay?

I’ve been on a lot actually. When I ask them I pay.

[zawadi16]

41 minutes ago, some_username1 said:

I read that she thanked him for the lift- if I missed that she thanked him for the dinner then fair enough, although for me personally that still wouldn’t be much of a panacea if she sat there and waited for me to reach for my wallet. But that’s just me personally.

I think it speaks more about a person for completely writing someone off for not offering to pay when they’ve said thank you after only one time, than it does for not paying. It’s extremely judgmental and overly critical. 
 

 

[rjc149]

I would go as far to say that if a woman is exceptionally attractive, she's used to men falling all over themselves for her. You may spark her intrigue and attraction by not being another drooling puppy, and instruct the waiter to split the bill from the get go. Sure, you'll lose some girls that way (girls who judge you as cheap for not spending money on her on a 1st date aren't usually worth your time anyways), but you'll also set yourself apart in the eyes of a woman who is constantly having men roll the red carpet out for her everywhere she goes. Oftentimes, being the "don't like it? There's the door" guy gets the really hot girls.

 

 

[Silver_star]

18 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

I would go as far to say that if a woman is exceptionally attractive, she's used to men falling all over themselves for her. You may spark her intrigue and attraction by not being another drooling puppy, and instruct the waiter to split the bill from the get go. Sure, you'll lose some girls that way (girls who judge you as cheap for not spending money on her on a 1st date aren't usually worth your time anyways), but you'll also set yourself apart in the eyes of a woman who is constantly having men roll the red carpet out for her everywhere she goes. Oftentimes, being the "don't like it? There's the door" guy gets the really hot girls.

 

 

Good luck with that.

[Redhead14]

On 3/12/2020 at 9:27 AM, Leojax said:

So I had a date with this absolutely gorgeous woman. The check comes and she didn’t offer to pay. I’ll admit she did say thank you. She ubered to the restaurant and I offered to take her home, which she took me up on. After I drop her off she texted me and said, “thanks again for the ride ”

Should I next her for not even offering to pay? She didn’t even do the fake grab at the check.

You invited her to dinner, did you not?  It's fairly customary for the man to pay for the first couple of dates at least.  By the third, the woman, should pick up the check or at least offer to pay and she should be doing a little more in the way of initiating things as well so the guy doesn't feel like he's doing all the "work".  I've never been on a first date with a man who even remotely seemed like he didn't fully expect to pay for it.

Aside from that, she rode in your car back to her home???  That says she's not very safety conscious and a little dumb, IMO.  Apart from this, I am happy to note that your dating pool is so full of gorgeous women that you can afford to be so selective as to eliminate them based on not offering to pay for the first date. 

Edited March 13, 2020 by Redhead14

[Leojax]

9 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

You invited her to dinner, did you not?  It's fairly customary for the man to pay for the first couple of dates at least.  By the third, the woman, should pick up the check or at least offer to pay and she should be doing a little more in the way of initiating things as well so the guy doesn't feel like he's doing all the "work".  I've never been on a first date with a man who even remotely seemed like he didn't fully expect to pay for it.

Aside from that, she rode in your car back to her home???  That says she's not very safety conscious and a little dumb, IMO.  Apart from this, I am happy to note that your dating pool is so full of gorgeous women that you can afford to be so selective as to eliminate them based on not offering to pay for the first date. 

I didn’t ask if she was dumb.

Shes my best friend’s girlfriend’s close cousin. She knows I’m not crazy. 

[Redhead14]

5 minutes ago, Leojax said:

Shes my best friend’s girlfriend’s close cousin. She knows I’m not crazy. 

She doesn't know you at all PERIOD.  How many times have we heard people say "oh, my goodness, he didn't seem like he was the type of guy who could/would (fill in the blank) . . . "