figure_this_0ut Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 In a previous post, I mentioned I had a hard time expressing how I like someone physically. Like a kiss on the third date. I typically just kept dating the woman until things would just end, both of us wondering why the other didn't make the first physical move. And thanks to all your advice, I kissed two different women on my next date and things progressed SUPER FAST. Faster than I expected. I've slept with one (and we were CRAZY compatible in bed. Best sex ever). My fourth date with the other is happening this weekend, and the way we have been texting recently I'm assuming she'll want to get more physical with me as well I REALLY like both of these women. I've always been a monogamy kind of guy, and I'll never be polyamorous, but I can see the allure of it with how much I like both these women, and how much I don't want to hurt them. Against what I've read online (reddit, blogs, etc) about dating in today's swipe app world, I'm assuming it's okay to sleep with both these women as long as your honest with them IF questions about dating other people are ever brought up. In fact, I'm assuming both of them are dating multiple men, and having sex with them, as well. So pretty much my questions are: How do I ethically do this? Do I bring up dating / have sex with multiple people anyways, even if the conversation is never brought up? I have feelings for both these women, so I have this idea that one of them will bring up exclusivity when, despite us having sex, I'm not sure which I would actually want to choose. What would I say? I'm sure no matter what I say feelings could be hurt on either side, or all sides. I'm in this for a relationship. I want a relationship. I like sex more while in a relationship. But right now, I wouldn't be able to make a choice if it was thrust on me to make one. Any help? Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 21 minutes ago, figure_this_0ut said: I'm assuming both of them are dating multiple men, and having sex with them, as well. Um, no. I don't think most women are sleeping with multiple guys. I thin you need to tell woman #2 that you are having sex with woman #1 before you get physical with her. Don't be surprised if this puts that kibosh on things, but it's only fair to let her know. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
ljwentworth32 Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 I disagree. If you're meeting these women online. I always always assume they are 1. dating multiple people and 2. banging other guys. You would be naive to think otherwise. Tinder and all these dating apps has turned the world into a meat market. one of my friends (girl) is on 4 apps. Tinder being one of them. She is very forthcoming with her OLD experiences. And if the opportunity arouse, she would have no problem sleeping with a different guy every night of the week. in fact right now she's talking to 5 guys simultaneously. Proved it with the messages on her phone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author figure_this_0ut Posted March 12, 2020 Author Share Posted March 12, 2020 5 minutes ago, ljwentworth32 said: I always always assume they are 1. dating multiple people and 2. banging other guys These women are from online This what I always figured. Not just from multiple stories online, but I've had a couple of women I dated on the apps open up about their experiences. And yes, they find A LOT of crazies and often times just want to quit, but they also say if they like a guy they generally sleep with him, even if they are dating other men at the same time. So is my assumption correct then that's this kind of discussion is only brought up if me, or one of them, wants to start getting exclusive? Until then, don't ask don't tell? Right now, I've dated #1 for 2 months. I've dated #2 for 1 month. Both I like equally, in their own ways. If there was a choice, I couldn't choose right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 4 minutes ago, figure_this_0ut said: Right now, I've dated #1 for 2 months. I've dated #2 for 1 month. Both I like equally, in their own ways. If there was a choice, I couldn't choose right now. This, to me, is unethical. After 2 months dating you should know by now if you'd like to date her exclusively. If you don't know yet it's because she's not the one, you end it with her and continue with someone else. If I dated a man for 1,2 dates I'd expect he probably had sex some place else but after 2 months I'd feel completely mislead by him. Many women wait for the man to bring up exclusivity, I assure you that this woman you've been dating 2 months and sleeping with is not expecting you to be having sex elsewhere and she is waiting for you to bring up exclusivity. 4 3 Link to post Share on other sites
manfrombelow2 Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 (edited) In the process of dating, one is allowed to expore as many possibilities as he/she is pleased. In short: When you are not yet committed officially with an official partner, it's not wrong to have as much sex as possible, with as many partners as possible. Edited March 12, 2020 by thaygiaogiang Link to post Share on other sites
manfrombelow2 Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 59 minutes ago, Gaeta said: This, to me, is unethical. After 2 months dating you should know by now if you'd like to date her exclusively. If you don't know yet it's because she's not the one, you end it with her and continue with someone else. If I dated a man for 1,2 dates I'd expect he probably had sex some place else but after 2 months I'd feel completely mislead by him. Many women wait for the man to bring up exclusivity, I assure you that this woman you've been dating 2 months and sleeping with is not expecting you to be having sex elsewhere and she is waiting for you to bring up exclusivity. It's NOT unethical until they are officially committed. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 1 hour ago, introverted1 said: Um, no. I don't think most women are sleeping with multiple guys. When would people find the time? I don't usually work full time but have done for a few weeks now and I have barely time to do the basics let alone multi-date or have loads of sex... 1 hour ago, figure_this_0ut said: I'm assuming it's okay to sleep with both these women as long as your honest with them & 1 hour ago, figure_this_0ut said: How do I ethically do this? If it was okay you wouldn't be asking about doing it ethically, I think you answer your own question: 1 hour ago, figure_this_0ut said: I'm sure no matter what I say feelings could be hurt on either side, or all sides. 2 hours ago, figure_this_0ut said: I have feelings for both these women What kind of feelings? If a man told me he couldn't make his mind up for long enough to get to know me and just me properly for a few weeks I wouldn't consider him at all for a relationship, and probably not for casual sex either. It's not very appealing, I'd prefer someone to just come out and say 'I'm just into sleeping around' and not waste my time thinking I might be special to him or headed for a serious relationship. If you tell a woman you are looking for a serious relationship but also want to sleep around/have feelings for more than one person, I can't imagine many women being very interested or overly concerned with your feelings either if they decide to just go with the casual sex. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 I agree with Greta, if you are looking for a serious relationship, you are not acting like it nor treating the women like you are. Actions focus on your actions. If I found out a guy I was dating (Who has told me he is looking for LTR) for 2 months was banging other girls, I’d next him real fast. It would be different if there was an agreement up front that things were casual. i think it depends on the expectations you have set with them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyplanetmoon Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 Gaeta .. darn spell check Link to post Share on other sites
ccas93 Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 (edited) I will date multiple people at a time, I may even kiss multiple people at a time, but I've never slept with multiple people. And I don't plan on it tbh. If I was having sex with someone, and got the suspicion that another penis was inside of her the previous night, I would be a little grossed out! And I wouldn't even have the time to sleep with multiple people. I'm trying to think about juggling sleepovers several nights a week with different women, and I don't see how I could do it even if I wanted to, logistically. It also would be really difficult to hide it, and I doubt they would be cool with it if I was upfront. I usually just enjoy sleeping with one person at a time, even if it's casual. Edited March 12, 2020 by ccas93 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
manfrombelow2 Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, ccas93 said: I will date multiple people at a time, I may even kiss multiple people at a time, but I've never slept with multiple people. And I don't plan on it tbh. If I was having sex with someone, and got the suspicion that another penis was inside of her the previous night, I would be a little grossed out! And I wouldn't even have the time to sleep with multiple people. I'm trying to think about juggling sleepovers several nights a week with different women, and I don't see how I could do it even if I wanted to, logistically. It also would be really difficult to hide it, and I doubt they would be cool with it if I was upfront. I usually just enjoy sleeping with one person at a time, even if it's casual. What is the point of dating "multiple women", as a man, without having sex with them? Sex is part of the dating process, whether you want it or not. If you just casually hang out and hug each other, that's not dating, that's wasting time. Your time, and theirs. Edited March 12, 2020 by thaygiaogiang 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ccas93 Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 5 minutes ago, thaygiaogiang said: What is the point of dating "multiple women", as a man, without having sex with them? Sex is part of the dating process, whether you want it or not. If you just casually hang out and hug each other, that's not dating, that's wasting time. Your time, and theirs. maybe I decided I liked one more than the other? Or one of the dates led to sex and the others didn't? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
contel3 Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 Honestly I think its kind of a s***ty thing to do. Its perfectly fine to have multiple sex partners as long as you are honest and tell those women before you sleep with them. For many people it's a deal breaker and the reason why so many people are hesitant to talk about it is that they know it and are scared they might run out of options if they are honest. "Everyone is doing it" is just an assumption and a justification for not having to feel like a scumbag. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
manfrombelow2 Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 54 minutes ago, contel3 said: Honestly I think its kind of a s***ty thing to do. Its perfectly fine to have multiple sex partners as long as you are honest and tell those women before you sleep with them. For many people it's a deal breaker and the reason why so many people are hesitant to talk about it is that they know it and are scared they might run out of options if they are honest. "Everyone is doing it" is just an assumption and a justification for not having to feel like a scumbag. The number of sexual encounters I had is my privacy and therefore I am not obliged to tell anyone, especially the next woman I'm going to bed with. Honesty or not has nothing to do here. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 9 hours ago, ljwentworth32 said: Tinder and all these dating apps has turned the world into a meat market. one of my friends (girl) is on 4 apps. Tinder being one of them. She is very forthcoming with her OLD experiences. And if the opportunity arouse, she would have no problem sleeping with a different guy every night of the week. in fact right now she's talking to 5 guys simultaneously. Proved it with the messages on her phone. This^^^^is really what is going on out there in the dating world. People would be stupid to not use protection. Link to post Share on other sites
contel3 Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 37 minutes ago, thaygiaogiang said: The number of sexual encounters I had is my privacy and therefore I am not obliged to tell anyone, especially the next woman I'm going to bed with. Honesty or not has nothing to do here. I think you kinda missed the point. Of course you don't have to disclose who you are having sex with or how often. The only information they should have access to is that they are not the only person you are sleeping with. It's kinda like having sex with someone knowing you have an std. You don't have to tell them, but you're kind of a dirt bag if you don't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Melrose78 Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 This is exactly why I hate online dating. I compare it to a dirty nightclub with condoms on the ground. I may be old fashion, but to be sleeping with multiple people is disrespectful to the other person, unless they are on the understanding they aren't the only one. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
manfrombelow2 Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 30 minutes ago, contel3 said: I think you kinda missed the point. Of course you don't have to disclose who you are having sex with or how often. The only information they should have access to is that they are not the only person you are sleeping with. It's kinda like having sex with someone knowing you have an std. You don't have to tell them, but you're kind of a dirt bag if you don't. No they don't have access to anything that is none of their business. Regarding STD, have you ever heard of an invention called condom? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
manfrombelow2 Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 46 minutes ago, Melrose78 said: but to be sleeping with multiple people is disrespectful to the other person. No it is not. Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 I would not do that. But anyway, don't offer that you are multi-dating. If one brings it up, you'll have to make a decision on whether to drop this one or the other. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 10 hours ago, thaygiaogiang said: It's NOT unethical until they are officially committed. Sure..... There are the 'dating rules' which says it's ok as long as you are not exclusive. And there is another thing that is not regulated by rules, it's called 'moral'. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 I'm not even sure multi-dating is necessary anymore? If you need a new date, just go back online. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 (edited) 12 hours ago, figure_this_0ut said: Right now, I've dated #1 for 2 months. I've dated #2 for 1 month. Both I like equally, in their own ways. If there was a choice, I couldn't choose right now. If I were dating a guy for 2 months and having sex, there is no way I'd also be having sex with someone else. Because I am on this board and have been exposed to lots of (im)morality not my own, I would ask the guy if we were exclusive, but I don't think you can fairly make the assumption that #1 is also sleeping with other guys, nor that she thinks you are sleeping with (or planning to sleep with) other women. And if, in fact, you are so certain that everyone is just happily fcking everyone they meet, then you should have no problem telling #1 that you plan to sleep with #2, and telling #2 that you are currently also sleeping with #1. After all, according to you it will be common knowledge anyway. Do let us know how that works out for you. Edited March 12, 2020 by introverted1 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 12, 2020 Share Posted March 12, 2020 The problem here is the 2 months of dating, which assumes a level of seriousness that is not consistent with having sex with multiple partners The "exclusitivity" trick is a fudge to allow some people to be promiscuous, without the worry about hurting and misleading people. "Its all OK, we were never "exclusive"" Its not really OK at all, it is being sneaky, mean and selfish and no doubt conflict avoidant too. There is also an unwritten rule that asking for exclusitivity is a bad thing, it is clingy, controlling something that is a red flag, something to be avoided. So relationship minded people just get hurt by those who think it fine to lead them on AND sleep with others at the same time behind their back. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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