Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 Would you guys date someone that lost a loved one recently? Why or why not? Thanks
scooby-philly Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 @Backinthesaddleagain - That's a very generic question. It depends on who that person was, what their relationship with the person you're interested is like, how sudden the death was, etc. Generally speaking if someone is close to someone and losses them it should put a damper on the potential for "dating" for a while. Even if was a prolong illness when there was a chance to "set things right" and provide initial closure, it may take a while for the person to fully move on. What you don't want to do is jump the gun and then become a rebound (so to speak) or to get friend-zoned by someone if their assessment of you is built during a time when they're not really mentally/emotionally/psychologically thinking about possible relationships. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 It would depend on many factors - how recent, how old the parent was/how much of a shock or non-shock it was, how close they were, their emotional state, etc. 1 1
kendahke Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 1 hour ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: A parent Not right now. Also it would depend upon how close they were with this parent and how they grieve. I'd be a friend to them, but I would not get romantically involved with them for at least a year. I lost my mom last January and dating was too much effort to contemplate, let alone undertake, as I was dealing with extreme sorrow and a tsunami of sadness. I likened it to being at the bottom of the ocean on a gulp of air. I had "the year of firsts" I had to get through and I've completed that. For now, the best you can do is be a friend without expectations. 2 1
Author Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 10, 2020 Author Posted March 10, 2020 14 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: It would depend on many factors - how recent, how old the parent was/how much of a shock or non-shock it was, how close they were, their emotional state, etc. I lost my dad last Halloween. Sudden heart attack while he was away out of state on a trip, he was 73. It was devastating, and we were extremely close. 7 minutes ago, kendahke said: Not right now. Also it would depend upon how close they were with this parent and how they grieve. I'd be a friend to them, but I would not get romantically involved with them for at least a year. I lost my mom last January and dating was too much effort to contemplate, let alone undertake, as I was dealing with extreme sorrow and a tsunami of sadness. I likened it to being at the bottom of the ocean on a gulp of air. I had "the year of firsts" I had to get through and I've completed that. For now, the best you can do is be a friend without expectations. Thanks for your input, Kendahke. What is "the year of firsts"? 1 hour ago, scooby-philly said: @Backinthesaddleagain - That's a very generic question. It depends on who that person was, what their relationship with the person you're interested is like, how sudden the death was, etc. Generally speaking if someone is close to someone and losses them it should put a damper on the potential for "dating" for a while. Even if was a prolong illness when there was a chance to "set things right" and provide initial closure, it may take a while for the person to fully move on. What you don't want to do is jump the gun and then become a rebound (so to speak) or to get friend-zoned by someone if their assessment of you is built during a time when they're not really mentally/emotionally/psychologically thinking about possible relationships. I feel like I am in an ok place, of course I get sad from time to time when something comes up that reminds me of him. But I am over the stage of bursting into tears randomly which has been nice. I am just curious on your guy's thoughts about it, as I have never really thought of how it affects the people I am trying to date. Thanks 1 1
Ruby Slippers Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 8 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: I lost my dad last Halloween. Sudden heart attack while he was away out of state on a trip, he was 73. It was devastating, and we were extremely close. I'm sorry for your loss. I'd just want to make sure a potential boyfriend wasn't in a place emotionally where his judgment was clouded by grief. If you have a good emotional support system in place, I think it would be wise to make sure a potential partner knows that, to alleviate worry and pressure. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes I would date somebody who was mourning a death in the family, assuming that person was capable & ready to date. When my parents died I wasn't functional for several years. Had I been single then I could not have dated. I could barely get off the couch. 1 2
Author Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 10, 2020 Author Posted March 10, 2020 27 minutes ago, kendahke said: Not right now. Also it would depend upon how close they were with this parent and how they grieve. I'd be a friend to them, but I would not get romantically involved with them for at least a year. I lost my mom last January and dating was too much effort to contemplate, let alone undertake, as I was dealing with extreme sorrow and a tsunami of sadness. I likened it to being at the bottom of the ocean on a gulp of air. I had "the year of firsts" I had to get through and I've completed that. For now, the best you can do is be a friend without expectations. Also, I am very sorry to hear about your mom. 2 1
scooby-philly Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 12 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: I lost my dad last Halloween. Sudden heart attack while he was away out of state on a trip, he was 73. It was devastating, and we were extremely close. Thanks for your input, Kendahke. What is "the year of firsts"? I feel like I am in an ok place, of course I get sad from time to time when something comes up that reminds me of him. But I am over the stage of bursting into tears randomly which has been nice. I am just curious on your guy's thoughts about it, as I have never really thought of how it affects the people I am trying to date. Thanks Ah - so you're the one who lost someone. That's different then if you were the person trying to date someone who lost someone. Only you know what your heart and head can handle right now. If you aren't seeing anyone there's no reason you need to "rush back out there". Give yourself time to grieve. Not saying you can't have fun or accidentally meet someone. But if you think you're not ready for something semi-serious to serious, then don't go actively seeking it - like using OLD apps/sites, going into social events with set expectations or even secret "heart's desire" thinking, etc. If you are already seeing someone this is a good opportunity to see them supporting you. Life and relationships are not perfect. It's as important to see them and how they do in times of grief themselves and supporting you in your grief as it as seeing them living every day in the "normal" mode. 1
FMW Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 Losing a parent with whom you had a good relationship rocks your feeling of security and stability for awhile. That can't help but affect how you relate to other people, especially romantic partners. You might not even realize how much until random triggers that can't be anticipated occur. No reason to hibernate, but take it slow for at least a year. 1 2
Author Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 10, 2020 Author Posted March 10, 2020 4 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: I'm sorry for your loss. I'd just want to make sure a potential boyfriend wasn't in a place emotionally where his judgment was clouded by grief. If you have a good emotional support system in place, I think it would be wise to make sure a potential partner knows that, to alleviate worry and pressure. I don't really have a support group unfortunately. But I don't feel like my judgement is impaired at this point. Sometimes it is just nice to hear other's opinions, as they are outside looking in and can give me a different perspective. Thanks Ruby 2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes I would date somebody who was mourning a death in the family, assuming that person was capable & ready to date. When my parents died I wasn't functional for several years. Had I been single then I could not have dated. I could barely get off the couch. I was shut down in my place for almost a month. I took 3 days off of work but other than that I was laying around my place drinking pretty heavily when I wasn't working. At Thanksgiving I made my mom come and stay with me for a couple months to keep an eye on her, as she has mental health issues since she was very young. She went back home at the end of January and seems to be getting by ok now. I took some time off from dating, and have recently gotten back to looking for someone to spend some time with. Thanks guys, and I am looking forward to hearing other's opinions. 1 1
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 If you are in a place where you are ready to date, go for it. One test you might give yourself is how soon after meeting a new person in any aspect of your life do you announce your loved one's death. If it doesn't come up, you are healthy enough to date. If you find yourself telling people upon first meeting them, maybe you have some more grieving to do. A dear friend of mine lost her daughter several years ago; she generally mentions her daughter to new people within the first 1/2 hour. It's not healthy. 2
kendahke Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 (edited) 56 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: Thanks for your input, Kendahke. What is "the year of firsts"? first mother's/father's day, first birthday--yours and theirs, first thanksgiving, first christmas, etc. Edited March 10, 2020 by kendahke 1 1
kendahke Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 (edited) 37 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: Also, I am very sorry to hear about your mom. thank you so much. I appreciate it. And I'm sorry for the loss of your dear father. Edited March 10, 2020 by kendahke 2
Miss Spider Posted March 11, 2020 Posted March 11, 2020 (edited) Sure, depends on how they seemed to be coping with it. My condolences, you guys. x Edited March 11, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
BaileyB Posted March 11, 2020 Posted March 11, 2020 No, I wouldn’t. I have lost a parent, and remember how that feels. I knew that I was not ready to date for a long time after the death. Having had that experience, it would really caution me for dating someone who has experienced a recent loss. 1 1
alphamale Posted March 11, 2020 Posted March 11, 2020 7 hours ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: Would you guys date someone that lost a loved one recently? Why or why not? Thanks no I would not, mainly cause dating is hard enough for people who aren't grieving emotionally 1
simpycurious Posted March 11, 2020 Posted March 11, 2020 I would because, to me, it's about the person not necessarily the SITUATION. 1
Ellener Posted March 11, 2020 Posted March 11, 2020 4 hours ago, SumGuy said: Yes I would too unless it were death of partner or a child which I just think can't be 'compartmentalised' like other losses tend to be. 1 hour ago, simpycurious said: I would because, to me, it's about the person not necessarily the SITUATION. Yes. This too. In any case I'd take it slow- but then I would in most circumstances anyway! 1 1
5x5 Posted March 11, 2020 Posted March 11, 2020 (edited) I am sorry for your loss, please do be kind to yourself. That said I would date someone who has lost a loved one, and have done exactly that. Not because I set out to, it's just that when I was close to turning 25 I was asked out on a date. By a woman (close to turning 26) whose father had died three months earlier. Of which almost 24 years later we are still together, happily married and with kids. Anyway her father died of a heart attack just after she started working for the corporation that I worked for. She then went on leave almost immediately after that. Which I followed by going away on a promotion course since I was in the Army Reserve at the time as well. So we didn't actually talk to each other till a couple of weeks before we started dating and she asked me out on our first date. At the same time a bit over a week before we started dating I had just attended the funeral of one of my friends (that I had served with in the past) who had just been killed along with plenty of other men who were killed during an army training activity that went terribly wrong. Now unlike my wife I didn't have mixed feelings over my friends loss, she certainly did with her father. With one of her overriding emotions being a great sense of relief that he was dead, since he was an often cruel and angry man. However this was also tempered by her feelings of guilt for feeling that way, while also having a sense of disbelief over her family pretending he was a great guy afterwards when he was anything but that. So for a number of months after we started dating, my wife would dutifully spend all of her weekends at her mothers. She didn't do this for her father, she did it for her mother. Of which a couple of years ago, my wife told me she is glad her father died and that it hurt her that he was so cruel to her. The thing is for my wife she found that dating and doing normal things and being treated normally and without tip toes was a relief and distraction from the emotions she felt. Rather than feeling down as a consequence, she felt alive and felt hope moving forward. Of which early on neither of us had any plans to be together for the long haul, it was sexual attraction and a like for each other that saw us together for some short term fun (we both thought we might dump the other after a few weeks or maybe months). Yet over time we both found we loved being together, and just naturally continued sharing the joy of being together through to today. Now I knew that her father had died, yet she asked me out, so I said yes because I enjoyed talking to her and she was hot so why not. That said I am the second guy she was with after her father died. So shortly after his death she decided to stop wasting her time saving her virginity for marriage, so she was with another guy a bit before me as well. Likewise of my friend who was killed, I am glad his wife didn't let his loss bring her down. She has now been with another man for decades now, without forgetting her former husband and my friend. Since everybody deals with loss in different ways, I wouldn't date all who have lost a loved one. Yet for some people dating despite a loss, can help in coping with that loss. Edited March 11, 2020 by 5x5 3
mark clemson Posted March 11, 2020 Posted March 11, 2020 I'm not dating but am reasonably sure I'd be hesitant, esp. if it was recent. If we had already established something for several months prior to the loss, then possibly. My inclination would be to maintain a friendship while they grieved and, if I wasn't taken during that time, dating others return to give it a try. Possibly I would go on friendship/support lunch or coffee type dates while they grieved but it would be in the context of dating others as well with a more romantic intent.
Author Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 11, 2020 Author Posted March 11, 2020 1 hour ago, 5x5 said: I am sorry for your loss, please do be kind to yourself. That said I would date someone who has lost a loved one, and have done exactly that. Not because I set out to, it's just that when I was close to turning 25 I was asked out on a date. By a woman (close to turning 26) whose father had died three months earlier. Of which almost 24 years later we are still together, happily married and with kids. Anyway her father died of a heart attack just after she started working for the corporation that I worked for. She then went on leave almost immediately after that. Which I followed by going away on a promotion course since I was in the Army Reserve at the time as well. So we didn't actually talk to each other till a couple of weeks before we started dating and she asked me out on our first date. At the same time a bit over a week before we started dating I had just attended the funeral of one of my friends (that I had served with in the past) who had just been killed along with plenty of other men who were killed during an army training activity that went terribly wrong. Now unlike my wife I didn't have mixed feelings over my friends loss, she certainly did with her father. With one of her overriding emotions being a great sense of relief that he was dead, since he was an often cruel and angry man. However this was also tempered by her feelings of guilt for feeling that way, while also having a sense of disbelief over her family pretending he was a great guy afterwards when he was anything but that. So for a number of months after we started dating, my wife would dutifully spend all of her weekends at her mothers. She didn't do this for her father, she did it for her mother. Of which a couple of years ago, my wife told me she is glad her father died and that it hurt her that he was so cruel to her. The thing is for my wife she found that dating and doing normal things and being treated normally and without tip toes was a relief and distraction from the emotions she felt. Rather than feeling down as a consequence, she felt alive and felt hope moving forward. Of which early on neither of us had any plans to be together for the long haul, it was sexual attraction and a like for each other that saw us together for some short term fun (we both thought we might dump the other after a few weeks or maybe months). Yet over time we both found we loved being together, and just naturally continued sharing the joy of being together through to today. Now I knew that her father had died, yet she asked me out, so I said yes because I enjoyed talking to her and she was hot so why not. That said I am the second guy she was with after her father died. So shortly after his death she decided to stop wasting her time saving her virginity for marriage, so she was with another guy a bit before me as well. Likewise of my friend who was killed, I am glad his wife didn't let his loss bring her down. She has now been with another man for decades now, without forgetting her former husband and my friend. Since everybody deals with loss in different ways, I wouldn't date all who have lost a loved one. Yet for some people dating despite a loss, can help in coping with that loss. Thanks for your kind words, and sharing this story. Life is a wonderful and horrible experience, and we all are connected by the shared experiences. 1 1
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