MM says he's leaving his wife... stories/advice/comments?

October 26, 2005

Ok, I just saw your previous post before my last one. I will go back and read through since it's been awhile since I last read those posts.

I see now why you want to do NC. There's only TWO reasons why I think he wants to maintain NC. One is either to see if he can make marriage work withiout being distracted by you. The second reason is so he can do what he needs to do to leave and not disrespect you by seeing you while living with W.

Be prepared though in case it's the first one. I mean REALLY be prepared emotionally. Don't get your hopes up for the second scenario or you might be let down. If it turns out to be number that's great for you but just don't expect it so you won't be too crushed that way.

October 26, 2005

Sami,

I just went back and read from your first post. You said:

"I'm not interested in being OW, and never have been."

That contradicts what you just said. You said you were willing to accept whatever decision he makes. Maybe I misunderstood. You said you're willing to live with whatever decision he makes. Does that mean you'll leave him if he stays with W? Or does that mean you will stay with him and accept that?

Being in NC with him for ten days made me realise how I DO NOT want to be without him.

That hasn't changed how I feel about being the OW. I do not want to be the OW. I'm not the stereotypicall Happy OW - I don't have problems committing, I haven't had a bad M, I'm not anti-men. I want him to leave his W, now or at some point. I always will want that. I am willing to believe him (as I've stated many times in this thread) that he can't leave his children at the moment because of their ages.

I don't think that my position now is any less antagonistic to being the OW than it was at the beginning of the month. I am just trying NC because it might just make a difference to how he sees things.

October 26, 2005

I see now why you want to do NC. There's only TWO reasons why I think he wants to maintain NC. One is either to see if he can make marriage work withiout being distracted by you. The second reason is so he can do what he needs to do to leave and not disrespect you by seeing you while living with W.

Be prepared though in case it's the first one. I mean REALLY be prepared emotionally. Don't get your hopes up for the second scenario or you might be let down. If it turns out to be number that's great for you but just don't expect it so you won't be too crushed that way.

I don't feel that he's trying to make his M work at this point. The reason for that is that we already split up last year for just that reason. He spent months trying to make it work again last year. It's way past that point now.

October 26, 2005

But Sami you never know. He may be trying again. And let me say this. I did just go back and read all the responses. Very good responses from people. Here's something that was bugging me about this too and LB I think addressed it.

I've been married twice. My ex husband and my current husband BOTH were divorced with NO OW in the picture. In fact neither one of them even had another relationship when they divorced. Guess what? They BOTH had kids that they were unusually commited to. That's just the kind of men I fall in love with. Ones who wouldn't dump their kids. Guess what else? They BOTH got JOINT custody. Both of them probably saw their kids more than your MM sees his NOW!

THIS is what bothers me the most about this I think he's lying Sami. Don't be mad at me for saying that. But I swear you will never meet two men more devoted to their kids than my exH and my H. It killed them to divorce but they weren't happy and the kids knew they weren't. In the case of my exH, he had his daughter 3 days a week every week. In the case of my H, we have, I should say HAD since he turned 18 and is off to college now but we had him every other week for a week at a time. His mom lives 10 mins from us and we're all friendly.

My point is that these devoted fathers left divorced when there wasn't even another woman waiting in the wings. This tells me that he's lying about the state of his marriage. No one stays just for the kids if they're that unhappy. He's even willing to stay and lose you. That tells me that you love him WAY more than he loves you.

Your answers have all been staring you in the face Sami. It's just that we don't have to talk to him and hear any pain in his voice We don't hear him telling us he loves us. We all just see his ACTIONS (from what you tell us) not his words. And his ACTIONS are what really count in the end...not his empty words.

October 26, 2005

Hey Sami! Is that your picture? I just noticed it. Very cute!

October 26, 2005

I think he's lying Sami. Don't be mad at me for saying that. But I swear you will never meet two men more devoted to their kids than my exH and my H. It killed them to divorce but they weren't happy and the kids knew they weren't. In the case of my exH, he had his daughter 3 days a week every week. In the case of my H, we have, I should say HAD since he turned 18 and is off to college now but we had him every other week for a week at a time. His mom lives 10 mins from us and we're all friendly.

My point is that these devoted fathers left divorced when there wasn't even another woman waiting in the wings. This tells me that he's lying about the state of his marriage. No one stays just for the kids if they're that unhappy. He's even willing to stay and lose you. That tells me that you love him WAY more than he loves you.

Well it could be that he is lying about his marriage. It could be. And of course I don't hate you for saying that. It's something that's gone through my mind too, and I DO know him.

All I can do is examine the facts. One of the major ones being that he's happy to work away from home all week, staying in hotels. Only having phone contact with his children for a couple of minutes a day (I know this is the case, because I've stayed with him for a week at a time, and seen that he phones home for about 5 minutes a day). If there is some sort of loving relationship with his W, it's expressed only at weekends, when I can't see it.

October 26, 2005

Hey Sami! Is that your picture? I just noticed it. Very cute!

Yes, that's me. I just put it up. I might take it right down again tho! I just didn't want to remain just a faceless 'story'.

October 26, 2005

Oh I should say... before NC, he would call me for at least an hour every evening during the week when I wasn't up there in Scotland with him. We'd talk about anything and everything.

Compare that to his 5 minute call home to talk to his children/W.

I don't see that there is something that I need to worry about that he's lying to me about the connection he feels with his W (or her with him).

October 26, 2005

I know. I read all that about him staying in hotels, etc. I just don't get it. It makes NO sense. His situation sounds even EASIER to leave (being that he's not seeing kids ALL that much anyway) than in both my ex and H's situation (because they WERE seeing them all the time.)

It really makes no sense. The only thing I could come up with is maybe it's for financial reasons which someone DID bring up. But if that's the case, that's a very insulting reason. I mean it would be to me. I would hope that I'm worth more than the money he'd have to pay in child support.

I don't get it. What does he tell you when you tell him he doesn't have to see kids any LESS than he's seeing them now. He may very well see them MORE under the right custody agreement. What does he say? Or have you asked him?

October 26, 2005

You look really young and we're both about the same age...see you could have ANYONE! WHY this guy? This is SO crazy Sami. It's just not worth it.

The phone calls don't impress me. Husbands and wives don't normally stay on the phone that long. I mean my H and I don't. But at home we talk for hours about anything and everything (yes, even after 11 years together - 10 married)

October 26, 2005

I don't get it. What does he tell you when you tell him he doesn't have to see kids any LESS than he's seeing them now. He may very well see them MORE under the right custody agreement. What does he say? Or have you asked him?

Oh yes, I've asked him.

He says that he knows, logically, that what I'm saying makes sense. But, that divorcing his wife = leaving the Children, and he can't seem to bring himself to do that. He's worried about what everyone will say. He's also voiced concerns about getting enough access, and what his W might do to restrict access (though those fears have mostly been in the past, and he's worked past them).

He says that being able to go back to their home, to be with them there, to tuck his little girl into (her own) bed and do all the story-reading stuff, is something that he would miss really badly. I know, he's a romantic/sensitive person, and when he says that I just feel... how can I ask him to give that up? OK, people reading this might feel that I'm being a fool, but I really don't want that relationship they have to be broken up in any way. It's something that he really believes he hasn't messed up, and he wants to continue.

October 26, 2005

You look really young and we're both about the same age...see you could have ANYONE! WHY this guy? This is SO crazy Sami. It's just not worth it.

The phone calls don't impress me. Husbands and wives don't normally stay on the phone that long. I mean my H and I don't. But at home we talk for hours about anything and everything (yes, even after 11 years together - 10 married)

OK, perhaps the phonecalls aren't so important. But there are plenty of other pieces to the jigsaw that let me know that there is nothing special between them any longer. Just the relief he feels, and expresses to me when we talk. So many things. It's pointless to trot them all out because I just know it. It's a gut feeling, and even though I have some intellectual questioning of it, that's not real, it's just for the sake of covering all options.

I know I could have more or less ANYONE... I already expressed that in an earlier post. I'm not interested in him because he's the only one who showed me any love or attention or something. I love him, and want him, because of what we have together... the things that really clicked between us when we met online, the conversations, the coincidences, the hilarity, the things that still make me smile and amazed. The fact that I feel like everything makes sense when we talk. The fact that he says he feels the same way. Everything makes sense to be with him. It's just him.

October 26, 2005

Yes, I do remember reading that. I don't buy it. He's already broken that. He doesn't live at home for much of the time. He can still tuck kids in only at HIS place. I don't believe him. I've been around the block enough and have been around 2 VERY sensitive men (exH and H) to know that something isn't quite right here.

He could still read her stories and tuck her in her OWN bed. Only her bed would be wherever HE is. The important thing isn't the damn bed! It's that she's with HIM.

He's lying. I'm telling you, Sami. He's lying. I know it. But he's VERY good at it and he's acting VERY sincere. And he's telling you that he doesn't blame you if you want to leave because you know why? He KNOWS you're not going anywhere and if you do, he'll risk losing you. That's not a strong enough love in my book.

You don't know your own worth. Not to toot my horn but I'm sweet and pretty too (just like you)...women like us can have our pick of men. You're just not putting out the right vibe. You can act so STRONG on here with all of us but with men I think you act weak and boy can he SMELL it! He knows you're not leaving.

I wish I could give you a shot of strength to leave him. You can do SO much better for yourself. You can have a man who worships you Sami. A man who will do ANYTHING to be with you. You don't have that in him. And I don't think you ever will. He's weak. He's wishy washy and yes, in the end, he's using you. He may really love you but he's not willing to do the right think by you so he's using you.

Hate to sound like a broken record and like everyone else but...everyone on here has been right. NC is the only way to go.

By the way, don't thank me...you have no idea how you've helped me today too!

October 26, 2005

The important thing isn't the damn bed! It's that she's with HIM.

LOL... yeah, I know what you're saying. I just don't think that he has that kind of faith that it really would be like that for her. He attaches SO much importance to it, and won't let the idea drop... I think it's all born of a fear that somehow he will lose his children if he leaves.

No, it doesn't make sense to me either, because I don't think that his fears are in any way justified. But fears often are completely irrational.

Anyway, I AM going to thank you, because just as I know that things are never done totally unselfishly (lol), you have still been really good to me today. So... thank you x

October 26, 2005

I'm always a post behind in responding. Yes, Sami I get that. I get that he's great with you but you know what? There's more than one person in the world for us. We don't only have ONE match for each of us. If God forbid my H dies tomorrow and I consider him my soulmate, I know that eventually I could find something very special with someone else..no, I don't mean ANYONE, I'm picky...just as I'm sure YOU are but you're not picky enough! You should be pickier. You should want everything you have with him and MORE! You're actually settling for LESS.

But he's so great...I know. But where it really, really counts..he's NOT. He won't say, "Sami, I'm YOURS" He won't really give himself to you. And if what he has with W isn't good that's even WORSE. He's not even willing to give up a non-marriage for you.

I could go on and on and you won't see it. I mean you see it but I don't think you've accepted it. You want what you want and the facts be damned. The whole thing really sucks! You found a man you can relate to and you can't have him on your terms.

So you're back to square one...give him up or be an OW. I'd rather be alone the rest of my life, I'm serious than take a back seat like that. Where's your pride? Where's your integrity and your self-esteem?

Now, I almost hope I can make you mad. Mad enough that you'll DO something! Are you still in NC? What happened on your slip up on Monday. Did you call him? What was his reaction?

October 26, 2005

Now, I almost hope I can make you mad. Mad enough that you'll DO something! Are you still in NC? What happened on your slip up on Monday. Did you call him? What was his reaction?

Ah, if I was pickier I'd have picked no-one! (yeah, maybe that would be better than a MM, right?)

Yes, I'm still in NC. Being as he said Monday that he wants to continue with this, then why would I break it? Only because I felt that I couldn't take whatever the result was, I suppose. At this stage it's still early days (only 12 days), so as far as I'm concerned way too early for him to make such an enormous decision.

No, I haven't called him. We haven't spoken. The break in NC was email and text only, and he said that he loves me, he misses me, he doesn't want me out of his life, that NC is hard, but that that's what he thinks we should do.

October 26, 2005

You're welcome Sami!

You know what? One more thing I want to say. Your MM is a little better than most of them in one area. At least he's been honest and up front in finally telling you that he can't promise you anything. That's a kind thing for him to do for you..to not keep you hanging. That's something!

October 26, 2005

Ah, if I was pickier I'd have picked no-one! (yeah, maybe that would be better than a MM, right?)

Yes, I'm still in NC. Being as he said Monday that he wants to continue with this, then why would I break it? Only because I felt that I couldn't take whatever the result was, I suppose. At this stage it's still early days (only 12 days), so as far as I'm concerned way too early for him to make such an enormous decision.

No, I haven't called him. We haven't spoken. The break in NC was email and text only, and he said that he loves me, he misses me, he doesn't want me out of his life, that NC is hard, but that that's what he thinks we should do.

Very funny on the first line! Ha! And YES! that would be better than a MM...I even said that in another post before I saw this one!

Who broke the NC? Did you? Or did he? Not that it really matters. Yes, it will be hard.

Why did you say HE thinks it's best? I forgot I'm sorry.

October 26, 2005

I broke NC by texting him because I was worried I'd done it for the wrong reasons, and it wasn't achieving anything positive, and I was missing him so much.

I think he wants to stick to it because he wants to try to do the right thing. He doesn't want an affair. He's not a 'cake-eater'. He just wants to make a decent, honest decision and not cause me any more anguish.

October 26, 2005

Well that IS something. That speaks well of him but I still wonder if he thinks you'll cave in anyway. If you cave in again I think he will lose respect for you and forever know that you will take him no matter what. You've really got to do it now. NOT doing it would ALMOST be better than doing it half way...do you know what I mean. Now, you must, must stick to it or he'll not only lose respect for you but you'll never really know what he might have done.

And I don't think you're going to do this but if it were me, I'd tell him that I'm going to start dating again (even if you're really not...yes, I know don't say it.) But I'd really start dating others. I would.

Well, you made it another day! Congratulations! Isn't it late where you are now? It's only 5:16 pm here.

October 28, 2005

OMG !!! SAMI_D.... thanx for your reply on my previous post. I'm new to this site & also a new mistress. Having problems already... need HELP... or more like moral support. Since this is a TABOO subject amongst most people... i reckon that it's appropriate for this site. Hence, this is how the story goes:-

Seeing this very wonderful gentlemen from a different state for about 6 mths. He's extremely generous & as u may already guess... he takes care of everything... pampers me like a queen... no kidding here. Anyways, met some of his friends(1st time) this weekend. One in particular who happens to be his best friend, HATES ME !!!!

He poisons my guy's mind by telling my guy that:-

1) I'm cheating (which i'm NOT!)

2) My guy is too generous with me & needs to stop buying me gifts & cut my

allowance into half !!!

3) That i'm USING my guy

4) And that my guy could find someone AS GOOD AS ME.... OR

BETTER for ......HALF DA PRICE !!!!

Can u imagine how i feel after hearing all these??? I was crying the whole ****en nite !!! I know i begged my guy to tell me what his friend said... but anyone would have died of curiousity !!!

To make it worst, this "friend" of my guy who hates me(call him ROB)... borrows ALOT of money from my guy from time to time. U know, ROB's going thru a divorce with his wife after his wife left him for someone way richer, AND he's already living wt a GIRLFRIEND,.... BUT WAIT.... he hired a HOOKER this weekend while on vacation with us !!! And, my guy PAYS for everything for his friends.... even for their HOOKERS !!!

Okay, just to set it straight, i am dating a MM. So, sue me !!! I'm so ****en pissed rite now !!! I feel so helpless. AND, to be honest, i don't know why it hurts so bad !!! I can take a lot of ****... but this time, it got me !!!

October 28, 2005

Well that IS something. That speaks well of him but I still wonder if he thinks you'll cave in anyway. If you cave in again I think he will lose respect for you and forever know that you will take him no matter what. You've really got to do it now. NOT doing it would ALMOST be better than doing it half way...do you know what I mean. Now, you must, must stick to it or he'll not only lose respect for you but you'll never really know what he might have done.

And I don't think you're going to do this but if it were me, I'd tell him that I'm going to start dating again (even if you're really not...yes, I know don't say it.) But I'd really start dating others. I would.

Well, you made it another day! Congratulations! Isn't it late where you are now? It's only 5:16 pm here.

Coco I know exactly what you're saying. And you're right... now I've started this I have no real choice but to stick to what I've said I wanted. Actually, all I have to do is go through my diaries of the past six months (the time since we met IRL) and see all the pain and misery I've been feeling because of the OW/MM situation. I wasn't ever really happy with that situation, and I've always wanted (and always will want) him to leave his M.

The only thing I've ever had questions about was whether I/we shouldn't leave it longer before he actually did leave, for the reason that his little girl is only 8 (9 in December), and I know she and he'll never have these years back again, while I COULD wait. If ONLY I knew that he wasn't stringing me along. I don't want to make a huge mistake with my life. But (as you have probably read in this thread), while he has told me that he WILL leave, he couldn't give me a date, or make any promises.

Now I don't think there's any 'real/true' way to view that... personally (of course) because I know him, I will believe what he says is true. I've seen him talking about his home and how important it is for him to maintain that place for his little girl (and, yes, for him). But of course there has to be some kind of reality to the fact that it also allows this OW/MM situation to continue... for as long as it will.

Which is why I (with reservations) embarked on this NC thing. I needed to know, and I believed that this would give me the answers that I need. But as you say... there is also the reverse of this situation to consider - he MIGHT think that I will cave in. He did say that his one fear about NC was that I wouldn't be strong enough to keep it up. He didn't say that to talk me out of it, but (I believe) to encourage me to continue with it, because like me he sees that this is the only way to resolve this dreadful situation.

Thanks for your encouragement, Coco... yeah, another day has passed. And I'm feeling stronger and more 'resigned' to this situation of not seeing him, not talking to him, and more able to get through those dreadful feelings of missing him and all we had. (i don't think it was late, actually... my posting time says 10.30pm for me). Last night I went out to a classical music concert alone. I didn't particularly want to go, but the ticket was booked a long time ago, and I knew that even if I didn't enjoy it exactly, it would move me further along the road of getting over this thing.

October 28, 2005

Hello again, Concubine.

Your post looked like a bit of a rant against 'ROB', so I couldn't see anything to respond to exactly.

What is it that you're hurt about? That your MM's best friend doesn't like you? That your MM is listening to his friend? Apart from this run-in with 'ROB' is everything with MM exactly as you want it to be? It doesn't look like an affair of the heart, more of an 'arrangement', but that's just my reading of your post.

October 28, 2005

An "arrangement?" Yeah, that's the nice way of putting it. You can guess what I see it as but we won't go there.

Anyway, Sami good for you for going out last night. That couldn't have been easy.

I'm glad you see the benefits of NC. I really wonder whether he's using reverse psychology on you by saying you should keep to it. Well time will answer that question I guess.

Keep it up! You're doing great!

October 28, 2005

Coco!

Yeah, it was difficult, but I am in sort of 'switch off' mode most of the time. Apart from the regular bouts of extreme anxiety and desperate feelings of missing him and fears about never seeing him again... I am just going through the motions of life, and getting on with work. It's the only way I can really continue at the moment.

I really wonder whether he's using reverse psychology on you by saying you should keep to it. Well time will answer that question I guess.

Can you explain a little more about what you mean by this? Thanks.

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