DeerManRidingBicycle Posted March 9, 2020 Posted March 9, 2020 The title says it all. I've somehow managed to make it to the ripe old age of 26 as a heterosexual man without having had any serious experiences with women. For a while I always considered myself a late bloomer and wasn't really bothered by my lack of experience, since by most standards (future career, school, appearance) I was still fairly well poised to be successful in life. However in the last two years or so I've noticed my mindset seems to be becoming increasingly nihilistic. Before I had always been eager to get to know women, see them as individuals, form a connection etc., however when I look at women now I realize there is no expectation or desire on my part. I feel empty, and hollow, and any spontaneity or authenticity I might have brought to a relationship has been gradually eroded. I can't even imagine what I would get out of a relationship at this point, and yet it seems pointless to aspire to anything if you do not plan to reproduce eventually. I find it hard to imagine actually sitting down with a date and saying anything that isn't just calculated to get the reaction I want. I'm not sure if this is just part of getting older, or if there may be other issues. I'm curious if anyone else is in a similar situation and if their is any decent advice to be found here. Thanks in advance.
Interstellar Posted March 9, 2020 Posted March 9, 2020 (edited) You said the right word: nihilistic. And when you get married there’s a 50% chance you’ll get divorced : / not to mention that if you have kids the feminist court of America aren’t in favor of fathers seeing their kids, and the emotional toll of getting rejected, the heartbreak, the many games women play and the male bashing in the media. Maybe men are better off alone. Edited March 9, 2020 by Interstellar
snowboy91 Posted March 9, 2020 Posted March 9, 2020 25 minutes ago, DeerManRidingBicycle said: I can't even imagine what I would get out of a relationship at this point, and yet it seems pointless to aspire to anything if you do not plan to reproduce eventually. I find it hard to imagine actually sitting down with a date and saying anything that isn't just calculated to get the reaction I want. How do you feel about social interaction normally? Relationships are about a lot more than just reproduction - I don't plan on reproducing any time soon, but when I've been happy in my relationships, it's about a sense of companionship, knowing they really care about you and you can trust them with anything, and of course, regular sex What I mean is that if you're someone who is perfectly happy living a solitary life, then a relationship isn't going to help with that. If it's a general feeling that women aren't willing to share the same interests you have, find one that does (you'll be surprised how many women like traditionally male dominated hobbies). If you just want regular sex at the moment, see if you can find yourself a FWB. If none of those appeal to you, then that's OK too. Think about what a relationship would actually add to your life (and try not to base your answer too strongly on societal expectations). 2
basil67 Posted March 9, 2020 Posted March 9, 2020 Is this emptiness something which you feel across multiple areas in your life? Or is it just dating? I'm wondering if clinical depression could be at play. 2
chillii Posted March 9, 2020 Posted March 9, 2020 Basically you seem like you just have zero interest in women or a relationship, you don't even know why you'd want one, Well , guess what , that's cool , if you don't want one and have zero interest in women , what's the problem, and just think of all the grief and trouble your saving yourself. Your 100% your own person in that case and what's wrong with that if it ain't broken no need to fix it. 4
schlumpy Posted March 9, 2020 Posted March 9, 2020 Most people have a compelling interest in the opposite sex. It's something that is wired into us. If you don't have that compulsion I don't think you should fake it for the sake of some societal norm. 4
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 9, 2020 Posted March 9, 2020 16 hours ago, Interstellar said: You said the right word: nihilistic. And when you get married there’s a 50% chance you’ll get divorced : / not to mention that if you have kids the feminist court of America aren’t in favor of fathers seeing their kids, and the emotional toll of getting rejected, the heartbreak, the many games women play and the male bashing in the media. Maybe men are better off alone. Ouch, sounds like someone put you through the ringer... You sound like someone that needs to be alone for a while to heal emotionally. I've been there, and it sucks. Good luck Interstellar 15 hours ago, basil67 said: Is this emptiness something which you feel across multiple areas in your life? Or is it just dating? I'm wondering if clinical depression could be at play. I'm also wondering about depression since the OP brought up nihilism. DeerManRidingBicycle, have you lost interest in other hobbies, activities, etc? If you have never done any research on depression, I would do a bit of reading on it to see if that is where you are at. If you aren't depressed, see snowboy's post. I think he nailed it. 16 hours ago, snowboy91 said: How do you feel about social interaction normally? Relationships are about a lot more than just reproduction - I don't plan on reproducing any time soon, but when I've been happy in my relationships, it's about a sense of companionship, knowing they really care about you and you can trust them with anything, and of course, regular sex What I mean is that if you're someone who is perfectly happy living a solitary life, then a relationship isn't going to help with that. If it's a general feeling that women aren't willing to share the same interests you have, find one that does (you'll be surprised how many women like traditionally male dominated hobbies). If you just want regular sex at the moment, see if you can find yourself a FWB. If none of those appeal to you, then that's OK too. Think about what a relationship would actually add to your life (and try not to base your answer too strongly on societal expectations). This is a great post, well said snowboy91 1
Ami1uwant Posted March 9, 2020 Posted March 9, 2020 I’ve seen this with 20 something’s...as if social skills are very different in the cell phone era. Here are some questions... 1. Not looking at relationships. Do you find some women hot? These could be models or celebrities? 2. Are you attracted to men? 3. Are you asexual? Asexual is a real thing where one just doesn’t feel attraction? 4. Have you talked to women in college or in the job? 5 do you have a best friend? 6. Do you have a job? What do you do and how do you interact with coworkers?
Interstellar Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: Ouch, sounds like someone put you through the ringer... You sound like someone that needs to be alone for a while to heal emotionally. I've been there, and it sucks. Good luck Interstellar I'm also wondering about depression since the OP brought up nihilism. DeerManRidingBicycle, have you lost interest in other hobbies, activities, etc? If you have never done any research on depression, I would do a bit of reading on it to see if that is where you are at. If you aren't depressed, see snowboy's post. I think he nailed it. This is a great post, well said snowboy91 Haha, no. This is why I hate texting, words can easily be misinterpreted and twisted. There’s no emotional healing needed because I never went through any of those. I don’t have any of that baggage. As Jay-z said, I got 99 problems but a woman or kids ain’t one. I’m just making an observation based on what men go through in dating, divorce court, etc... Edited March 10, 2020 by Interstellar 1
Miss Spider Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 (edited) First of all, nice username. Just curious why you believe it’s pointless to aspire to anything is you don’t reproduce. I mean I just had a sandwich and it was extremely enjoyable. Aspiring to make more sandwiches as delicious as that one. How can it be wrong? If you feel apathetic about women and dating, just don’t date. Edited March 10, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
mrs rubble Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 21 hours ago, basil67 said: Is this emptiness something which you feel across multiple areas in your life? Or is it just dating? I'm wondering if clinical depression could be at play. I’m wondering this too. My eldest son went through a period of depression in his early 20’s after being rejected by the girl he liked. He took himself to the doctor and got on some anti depressant medication, got out and met new people. A year or so later he met a gorgeous lady, he’s just married her after 3 1/2 years together. They were both virgins too, something you don’t hear about often, but they’re incredibly happy and honeymooning in Paris and Morocco now. 1
chillii Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 He doesn't sound depressed he seems quite content.
smackie9 Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 If he was content he wouldn't be making a thread about his situation. 2
RecentChange Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 On 3/8/2020 at 9:56 PM, DeerManRidingBicycle said: I can't even imagine what I would get out of a relationship at this point, and yet it seems pointless to aspire to anything if you do not plan to reproduce eventually. I find it hard to imagine actually sitting down with a date and saying anything that isn't just calculated to get the reaction I want. I'm not sure if this is just part of getting older, or if there may be other issues. Do you have a good social network? Friends and family that you share your life with? If you do, and you have no interest in sexual intimacy, then perhaps there is no need for romantic relationships in your life. Humans are social animals, by in large we need someone to share our triumphs and defeats with. Someone who understands us, knowing that someone cares about us. Some people get that out of their romantic relationships, but others find those meaningful connections elsewhere. Both my husband and I never want children, so there are reasons and things that keep heterosexual couples together beyond reproduction. I live with my best friend. Instead of going it alone in the world, I have a partner. Someone that loves me and I can love back. That first person I call when something good happens, or something bad happens - or if I just find something funny. Like kids with their best friend, we have our inside jokes, and things we know about each other that no one else does. I like the feeling of "us against the world" that a partnership like this allows. But I have always loved men, having the company of men, conversation with men etc. I couldn't imagine "finding it hard to imagine actually sitting down with a date and saying anything that isn't just calculated to get the reaction I want" - because I like taking to men. From this statement, I am going to guess you have never really connected with or had female friends. Hey - if you are happy and content without women, or romance in your life, then no problem. I have known life long bachelors that seemed happy with their lives. But if you are questioning the path you are taking, might be worth examining WHY you feel like you do when it comes to relationships 1 1
scooby-philly Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 OP, Do not want to repeat anything the great posts before shared with you. But I think you do need to dive deeper into your feelings. Especially as a man in our culture (assuming USA, Canada, or Western Europe) - it's not easy for us to admit our hurts, our secrets, our fears, or our hopes. I spent six years in seminary before I was able to speak the truth of my heart that I wanted a relationship with a woman and that I would like, if possible, to have kids one day. But I had to find the courage to admit that I had chosen the path because at the time, I didn't know what else to do, didn't know how to go after what I truly wanted, and that I didn't have anyone I could go to to help me make the decision. Rather than focus on the question of dating and what it leads to - start with your feelings, your secrets, your fears - and see what that uncovers. 2
Author DeerManRidingBicycle Posted March 15, 2020 Author Posted March 15, 2020 Just to clarify a few things: I consider myself to be a heterosexual and have been attracted to women in the past; I am not content with my situation; I have a fairly robust social network and have socialized with women frequently. My problem seems to be more with my shifting attitude towards romantic relationships with women. Where before I looked forward to such relationships and was eager for them to be a part of my life, I now find those desires and passions greatly diminished. I miss the feeling of yearning and desiring and am not sure exactly what changed. I feel like this might just be a result of age and feel bitter that I may have missed the boat on enjoying that aspect of life. I am definitely not happy and other people have commented on my cold demeanor or apparent gloominess.
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