Leogir1314 Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 Okay hi so I'm 22 and have been dating my boyfriend now who's older than me 28 for about 4 months now. We have recently started opening up a lot more to each other and about our past relationships. We live in a small town and know basically everyone in it we also work together where we meet. He recently told me about someone he had slept with before we were dating that is from our town. He told me about this woman he slept with lets just call her Lucy who is 38 and married with 2 kids but apparently in an open marriage and I had no idea about this. I was shocked to say the least but I mean I can't really be upset since it was before me. Whenever I see Lucy or we run into her or her husband it just gives me a weird feeling in my stomach and I can't not picture them being intimate with each other. It also doesn't help that he brought up she said to please not stop talking to her no matter what happens.I dont believe he has been communicating with her or has been continuing anything. I feel I am mature for my age and sometimes think to much into things I mean he chose me and he probably only told me that to be open and honest with me. I think I just need to trust him and not think into it. What do you think about this? Am I over thinking things? Am i in over my head for thinking about this?
preraph Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 There's honestly no way to tell if you can trust him not to still take advantage of that situation. I mean I'm sure he's probably way more attracted to you than her, but the fact is men will often have sex with less attractive women than their girlfriends or wives just for the variety. It sort of sounds like it's over, but you just never know what someone will do. 1 1
simpycurious Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 I think that it's natural for you to feel "weird" about both her and her husband. 2 1
Miss Spider Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 (edited) I have to wonder why he told you that. Did you ask or does he just like to kiss and tell? Because I don’t see what good it would do to tell you that. Not many people want to know details about their partners sex life before them. Why does it even matter. Keep it to yourself. I wouldn’t have wanted to know my bf slept with a married woman in an open relationship either. That sounds messy. Edited March 6, 2020 by Cookiesandough 4 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 51 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I have to wonder why he told you that. Did you ask or does he just like to kiss and tell? Because I don’t see what good it would do to tell you that. Not many people want to know details about their partners sex life before them. Why does it even matter. Keep it to yourself. I wouldn’t have wanted to know my bf slept with a married woman in an open relationship either. That sounds messy. My thoughts exactly. Just smells of insecurity when someone has to know with whom his/her partner has slept with. The more important question(s) should be:" Are you clean. No STDs? May I see the most recent test?" So strange.... Also, the bf says that this older woman was in an open-marriage? Hmmmm.... I wonder. Anyway, the other strange thing is for him to share that this lady wants hi to continue talking to him...what?! Is this guy THAT naive or being cocky, or...douchey? 2 1
Andy_K Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 You live in a small town, he figured it's better you find out from him than from someone else. Since you two have started being open and honest with each other, seems a reasonable time to divulge it. Can he trust you to be able to handle the truth? That's an important test here. You don't have anything to be concerned about. Almost certainly he got involved with her because it's easy sex. You two are in a relationship though, so not only are you younger, prettier, and generally more attractive, but he actually likes you enough to want to take things further. Be happy and stop worrying about it. If there was any danger he still wanted to see her, he wouldn't have told you about her. 2 1
schlumpy Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 Quit being "honest" with one another about the past. It's a relationship killer. 2
d0nnivain Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 There's honesty & too much honesty. Your guy overshared & now you can't unsee the picture in your head because you know the OW. At most you have to reorganize your self talk to remind yourself that your guy picked you & he maybe felt uncomfortable with her open marriage too. tell yourself whatever you need to in the privacy of your head to get through this including things like she must have been bad in bed or had ugly stretch marks. What you tell yourself doesn't have to have a basis in reality just something to propel you forward. Otherwise break up with your guy for having bad boundaries & no discretion. Remember he has lose lips. What will he be telling his next GF about you? 2
Fletch Lives Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 9 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: I have to wonder why he told you that. Did you ask or does he just like to kiss and tell? Because I don’t see what good it would do to tell you that. Not many people want to know details about their partners sex life before them. Why does it even matter. Keep it to yourself. I wouldn’t have wanted to know my bf slept with a married woman in an open relationship either. That sounds messy. - Exactly, that's the whole problem here, he should have saved it for his therapist and kept his mouth shut. Why did he do it? - because sometimes people do stupid things. Some people love to bear their soul about things that are not necessary and can only hurt their relationships. Unfortunately it's a very common problem. 1
Gaeta Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 Young couple often wrongly think that they have to confess to every sexual encounter of their past to be considered 'honest' with each other. His intention may have been to be open and honest about his past sex life but he'll learn that hard way it's a bad bad bad idea. 4 1
K.K. Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 I’m in the ‘dont share’ camp. Sometimes I think when people are just getting to know each other and are basically in the ‘friend’ stage, they over share this stuff thinking that it’s some kind of bonding or maybe even trying to figure out what kind of sexpectations someone else has. The problem is, is that later on when solidifying as a couple, these things come back to haunt you. You wonder how you compare and when in the throws of love, you just can’t forget what they said, can’t stop picturing it, and it can put somewhat of a damper on things. Too much -been there done that - is not a good topic. It just makes you question what makes you any different or unique from any other person that they’ve had sex with. I’ve learned this the hard way. But hey, we all make mistakes. 3
Penguin_hugs Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 It's understandable to me that you feel a bit weird about the situation- it is a bit of an odd one if you end up regularly seeing these people. Me and my BF are quite open about chatting about past experiences- not that there is masses to talk about- but we have found it quite interesting to have that discussion. However, naming names causes more issues I feel. I'm not jealous of the random girl he fooled around with at a party etc, but I am more about the housemate he had a crush on for 3 years- mainly because she feels more real! A few years ago, I was seeing someone- before I even moved in to this area and it was quite a fun experience so I'd chatted to my BF about it. Only like 6 months later did I suddenly realise that my BF knew this guy and he would come round to his flat share for games evenings. It felt way weirder for me- when I actually told my BF the identity of the "fun date" I'd spoken of before. BF laughed and told me I had a type- and it was kind of forgotten about. But I felt pretty mortified. 1
smackie9 Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 Ya me too....talk of numbers, who did who when and how, is a ridiculous way to build trust in a new relationship. Ignorance is bliss. I recommend you refrain from such things. 4
Fletch Lives Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 If I had a date and the topic came up, these days, I'd just say, "I've had a girlfriend before". I'm tired of talking about it anyway. 1
DKT3 Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 I dont subscribe to the ignorance is bliss theory. This nonsense is why relationships fails at an ever increasing rate. People do things, things that make them who they are then lie mislead and act as if it didn't happen. Only to have many of them come back once commitment and responsibilities are involved. Two reasons why he could have shared. 1) he is simply a honest man who isnt ashamed of his past. 2) bragging. I ask all those ignorance is bliss people, would it be better that he allowed OP to go around thier small town engaging with this woman without the information, or worst yet having her find out from others which then comes off as him hiding it. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 Ok. I suppose being in a small town changes the dynamics, but the OP now knows that her current bf has been invited to continue communicating with this other woman. "I dont believe he has been communicating with her or has been continuing anything." The OP does not know if her bf is continuing the communication with the other lady. He could have told her before it got out by some other means as someone else suggested. I hope this also means that he has communicated with the other lady to let her know that he will not be because he is in another relationship.
central Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 It does not matter to me. I developed a good friendship with of one of my wife's ex-bf's (they lived together for a while), and that's lasted 20 years and counting. Similarly, my wife does not worry about this, and we see some of my ex-gf's often to hang out, etc. - they are ex-lovers for good reasons, but remain very good friends.
d0nnivain Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 29 minutes ago, DKT3 said: I ask all those ignorance is bliss people, would it be better that he allowed OP to go around thier small town engaging with this woman without the information, or worst yet having her find out from others which then comes off as him hiding it. I'm in the ignorance is bliss camp. That said, I would have no problem with the guy telling the OP, btw I used to date so & so. He lost me when he went on & on about her open marriage etc. 1 1
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 Anything that happened before you guys were together is in the past, and that is where it should stay. If you eventually found out about it (because small town), it would be your decision to bring it up to him (and it would be a bad decision). But the fact that he brought it up and then said she still wanted to communicate with him is a huge red flag. He should have told her no, that he was in a relationship now, and he should have never said anything to you about it. I wouldn't completely freak out because it seems he is being honest, but at 28 years old he should know better! This is planting a seed of jealousy, and the fruits produced are always bitter. If it were me, I would talk to him about it. Not the part about the sex, but the part about how she still wants to communicate with him no matter what. She wants to keep him in the hanger, in case she feels like flying at a later date. But, the fact that he did tell you might mean that he wanted to be transparent. I would ask him what he plans to do about the "communication" with her. If he cuts ties, great. If he doesn't, I would bounce. Sooner than later... When I was your age and younger, I would date girls and we would always end up talking about this stuff. It was because we were young and insecure. As you get older and wiser, you realize that it is always a bad idea. Good luck leogir1 3
ThorntonMelon Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 Not abnormal to feel weird. We all do. If you enjoy and trust him, fight through it.
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 18 minutes ago, ThorntonMelon said: Not abnormal to feel weird. We all do. If you enjoy and trust him, fight through it. Dude, I just wanted to say I LOVE your username!!! Hahaha
mark clemson Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 I think he told you because it's a small town and you're liable to find out sooner or later. He probably realized you'd think it's weird he slept with a married women (albeit "legitimately") and this would raise questions in your mind, so he told you preemptively. Also, she may feel a bit weird around you as well, so he might have wanted to make sure you know the reason for any "tension" you might sense from her. Not surprised you feel weird, it's frequently awkward around an SO's former partners. Assuming everything is at face value here, suggest you try to not dwell on it and continue on as usual. 1
Watercolors Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 18 hours ago, Leogir1314 said: I can't really be upset since it was before me. I just watched an episode of 3rd Rock from the Sun last night, where Sally gets paranoid and jealous of her police officer boyfriend Don's ex-girlfriends. She invites them all over and they gab about Don with each other to make Sally feel better. Don comes over and sees this happening, and freaks out, and reassures Sally that she's the only one he's interested in. Since that's tv fiction, I wouldn't recommend inviting this 38 year old mother of 2 over for a gab fest about your 28 year old boyfriend, although since she has an open marriage, she'd probably take you up on that offer. You are 22. You are very young. Your boyfriend has 6 years of relationship history that you don't yet. Most people don't discuss their dating history in detail with their current partner unless there are children involved that the current partner has to co-parent, or, the current partner has an STD from a previous relationship. But other than that, I see no reason why he opened up that can of worms with you about whom he slept with. That was dumb on his part b/c you *are* upset, clearly. 18 hours ago, Leogir1314 said: Whenever I see Lucy or we run into her or her husband it just gives me a weird feeling in my stomach and I can't not picture them being intimate with each other. Because it bothers you, that you know she slept with your boyfriend. Why does it bother you? He's not dating her anymore. He's dating you. Stop obsessing. IF anything, you should tell your boyfriend that his decision to share his dating exploits with you has now made you feel very awkward. He needs to respect your feelings. Not sure why he brought it up, unless to make you jealous of her or make himself seem more stud-like, desirable to you. He shouldn't have told you anything about his dating past. Because now his dating past is part of your dating present with him and it has no place there. Because now you will be paranoid that he's still in contact with this woman or other women he dated that he told you about. 18 hours ago, Leogir1314 said: he brought up she said to please not stop talking to her no matter what happens.I dont believe he has been communicating with her or has been continuing anything She probably doesn't want him bragging about his exploits with her to you because it's tacky and it's really none of your business. So, your boyfriend messed up by talking to you about her, especially since you said you live in a small town where everyone knows each other's business to some extent.
Piddy Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 (edited) There's no need to know about past relationships, especially only 4 months in. Nothing good can come of it. People may say they want to know about past relationships, but it will cause more harm that good. I only knew of one live in girlfriends past and this was decades ago. I knew she was promiscuous and thought I wanted to know and she told me just before she left me. It still ate at me even though she was gone. Also, if you're just friends and discuss past sexual / relationships it may feel titillating to hear of ones past experiences, but if you develop feelings and end up in a romantic relationship, you'll wish you never heard those stories. It will destroy what you feel about that person. Your mind will always 'go there.' Images you can't get out of your head. Of all the girlfriends I had I only knew of that one's past that told me. And I wished I never knew. I never asked a love interest again and went by the philosophy of 'what you don't know can't hurt you.' As a matter of fact my wife and I recently had that conversation. She knew I had past girlfriends and basically only knew of the one that told me her past and I knew of my wife's one past serious 3 year live in relationship. And this conversation took place was 42 years later. Not knowing will serve most couples well. The old expression curiosity killed the cat. Well, that applies here. The fact that you're asking this question, says to me that he made a mistake in telling you. Some things are best to be kept unsaid. This would be one of them. Edited March 6, 2020 by Piddy 2
kendahke Posted March 7, 2020 Posted March 7, 2020 (edited) 21 hours ago, Leogir1314 said: What do you think about this? Am I over thinking things? Yes. It shows he cares about you because he's being transparent and not letting you walk blindly into the topic. There's an argument for keeping quiet, to be sure, but since it's a small town you live in and not NYC, someone is bound to mention it to you and then you'll be looking at him sideways for not letting you know. Tell him now if you can't handle transparency. Edited March 7, 2020 by kendahke
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