two divorcing people. where is this going?

March 7, 2020

On 3/5/2020 at 9:49 PM, Pistachio0 said:

he feels he doesn't believe in love and won't trust anyone ever again ................. and he needs to deal with his issues after such a long marriage in his own time. .....He says he's scared I'm going to get tired of him and leave him like I left my husband.

This man is being honest with you and he communicating pretty clearly how he feels and where he is at in his life. Beleive him.

He's hurt, defeated, lost his ability to dream and hope. You make him feel better through all this, you're like a balm on his wounds. You are being used as a band-aid and one day he won't need that band-aid anymore and you'll become a reminder of that time he needed a band-aid. Men and women rarely move on in life with their Band-aid gf.

March 7, 2020

8 hours ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

A lot of "he asks"??? For real? He asked her to take a trip with him....

Engaging a one post new member. I had my reasons. Also, the opening post appeared quite passive. I desired clarity on that.

March 7, 2020

27 minutes ago, carhill said:

Engaging a one post new member. I had my reasons. Also, the opening post appeared quite passive. I desired clarity on that.

No worries. My fault.

March 7, 2020

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

This man is being honest with you and he communicating pretty clearly how he feels and where he is at in his life. Beleive him.

He's hurt, defeated, lost his ability to dream and hope. You make him feel better through all this, you're like a balm on his wounds. You are being used as a band-aid and one day he won't need that band-aid anymore and you'll become a reminder of that time he needed a band-aid. Men and women rarely move on in life with their Band-aid gf.

Because I do feel we have an amazing connection and have been in each others lives consistently every day for over a year, I would be interested to know if there’s anything I can do to help him trust and Hope again

March 7, 2020

1 hour ago, Pistachio0 said:

Because I do feel we have an amazing connection and have been in each others lives consistently every day for over a year, I would be interested to know if there’s anything I can do to help him trust and Hope again

YOU have an amazing connection. His connection to you isn't as strong or else he'd be finding ways to be with you and work on all this. Instead, he's telling you straight up, he wants time to get over the marriage and isn't willing to make any commitments now.

You are trying to be in HIS head and figure out what YOU can do to change things for him/change him. That is well outside of your skill set. If you truly care for him, and apparently you think you do right now, then you will back off and let him tend to his own needs, in his own time and respect and accept what he's telling you.

You have two choices: 1) Accept that he will not be committed to you but enjoys being with you and having sex and you can't expect to be a priority in his life or 2) Date other men who are at least interested in having a committed relationship with someone and has similar dating goals and expectations as you do and and for whom you aren't allowing yourself to be in limbo for an indefinite period of time.

Edited March 7, 2020 by Redhead14

March 7, 2020

20 hours ago, Pistachio0 said:

he moved to opposite coast of US from his soon-to-be ex and child...

Is that out of choice? How often does he see his child, if at all?

A huge upheaval like this is bound to stir a lot of feelings.

As much as you care for this man (and possibly him for you), this sounds like a very complicated situation atm.

He's simply not in the right head space for a full on relationship, and he's doing right by you both not to get too involved. He's obviously not mentally / emotionally strong enough to make a decision either way, so you need to do it for you both; no doubt a heartbreaking decision to make.

It sounds like the timing for you guys has always been a bit off, but as you say you can't (and shouldn't) stay in limbo, for your own emotional stability.

Edited March 7, 2020 by littleblackheart

March 7, 2020

18 hours ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

The guy is being honest about his feelings about trust issues and... <snip>

If he is opening up to you, and spending all of his free time with you, I don't think he is 'stringing' you along. I don't take trips to far away lands and invite a woman I am casually seeing along for the ride. He wants to be with you, and would like time to heal emotionally before he decides if you are going to stay for the long haul. I mean s***, he takes you on trips, you guys hang multiple times per week, he texts you all day, everyday. You were friends for months before things got physical. He has invested quite a bit into you.

So, what I see is that you want to have "the talk" and get committed right away. He wants to as well, but needs more time. And the fact that you told him you were dating around, probably makes him even more gun shy.

In closing, if you like him and want to be with him, stop dating others and see where this leads. Will it guarantee you end up together? Of course not! But love is always a gamble.

This all really resonates with me. I felt like the guy I'm seeing and I had slipped into a FWB situation despite both saying we wanted something meaningful and long term, so when I sat him down to talk about it he basically said he'd been incredibly burnt, wasn't ready to call on whether I was the one he wants to marry yet, but is committed and invested in finding out. We've become closer since then as my temperament and circumstances mean I'm happy with that situation/honesty. Your mileage may vary.

Edited March 7, 2020 by dramallama

March 7, 2020

3 hours ago, Pistachio0 said:

Because I do feel we have an amazing connection and have been in each others lives consistently every day for over a year, I would be interested to know if there’s anything I can do to help him trust and Hope again

You think it's a connection but what it is - is him being vulnerable and trying to concentrate on something else really hard.

No you cannot help him, it's a very personal process to get our strenght back after a divorce. This man is far far from the day he'll be ready to re-invest himself, and it will take a few transition girlfriends before he gets there.

March 7, 2020

2 hours ago, Redhead14 said:

YOU have an amazing connection. His connection to you isn't as strong or else he'd be finding ways to be with you and work on all this. Instead, he's telling you straight up, he wants time to get over the marriage and isn't willing to make any commitments now.

You are trying to be in HIS head and figure out what YOU can do to change things for him/change him. That is well outside of your skill set. If you truly care for him, and apparently you think you do right now, then you will back off and let him tend to his own needs, in his own time and respect and accept what he's telling you.

You have two choices: 1) Accept that he will not be committed to you but enjoys being with you and having sex and you can't expect to be a priority in his life or 2) Date other men who are at least interested in having a committed relationship with someone and has similar dating goals and expectations as you do and and for whom you aren't allowing yourself to be in limbo for an indefinite period of time.

I feel like if I care about him as much as I claim, then continuing to talk most of the day and seeing each other often (all of which he initiates) should be enough for me. It’s not like he’s dating or planning to date anyone else (he’s been clear about that). What would “commitment” from a badly hurt person who’s trying to work through his issues really add right now? I have a person who spends a lot of every day thinking about/talking to me, and is honest about needing time after such a long marriage.

March 7, 2020

I wish you well, Pistachio. You are not willing to accept reality and, therefore, resistant to getting the message that so many of us are trying to convey to you. You will have to learn the hard way on this. All the best.

March 7, 2020

2 hours ago, Pistachio0 said:

I feel like if I care about him as much as I claim, then continuing to talk most of the day and seeing each other often (all of which he initiates) should be enough for me.

You remind me of my daughter's first love. He told her from the beginning he was not ready to commit but because he was spending a lot of time with her and was not dating around she felt that with 'time', with her kindness and her love he would inevitably fall in love as well. Fast forward 1 year, one morning he told her he was leaving for across the globe.....with another 'female friend'.

She cried and cried and was mad at him, she failed to understand 'like you fail to understand' that he had warned her from the beginning although she fell good in his life he was not gonna fall for her.

Edited March 7, 2020 by Gaeta

March 7, 2020

Redhead and Gaeta are right. Sorry to say this, but it’s probably going nowhere. He doesn’t feel the same connection as you or he’d be with you. A lot of people have difficulties trusting, but you can’t control it when you like someone. The truth is probably that he is looking to play the field a bit and see what else is out there for him after a 12 year marriage.

March 7, 2020

So many come here with things their bf/gf has said about "no commitment".
They do not want to believe it, so they often come here to get reassurance that he/she didn't mean it or that they will "come round" eventually.
BUT truth is when a person tells you specifically that commitment with you is not an option, they do tend to mean it and usually have no intention of changing their minds.
My guess you will hang around saving him, and making him feel better, to find once he gets his mojo back, you will be dumped and you will not be able to see him for dust.

March 7, 2020

15 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

So many come here with things their bf/gf has said about "no commitment".
They do not want to believe it, so they often come here to get reassurance that he/she didn't mean it or that they will "come round" eventually.
BUT truth is when a person tells you specifically that commitment with you is not an option, they do tend to mean it and usually have no intention of changing their minds.
My guess you will hang around saving him, and making him feel better, to find once he gets his mojo back, you will be dumped and you will not be able to see him for dust.

This is one of those threads that give people an opportunity to see why therapy takes so long or doesn't work at all sometimes. The same scenario happens between the two chairs in a therapist's office too Counseling seekers fail to understand that the reason they seek advice/therapy is that what they've been doing and thinking isn't working but don't want to accept the reality of their situation, look at it another way and try something else. They ruminate and spin everything to accommodate their anxieties to make themselves feel better. And, sometimes they will seek the advice of 10 doctors until they get one who will tell them what they want to hear instead of accepting what the other 9 told them.

March 7, 2020

his heart doesn't seem open. This doesn't seem that appealing or promising. Sounds like he's in a bitter place or maybe it's just how he's "tuned" at the moment. I wouldn't get into a relationship with a person in this mindset--even if he claims you are the ONE person who makes him feel differently.

August 3, 2022

Guess what the current status of this is... Him saying he doesn't want to get divorced to ruin his children's lives and a!so give away all of his money and potentially have little access to his children (he's said it in that way, panicked \ i don't know what has transpired to make him say that?) . But continuing to assert that in the last 4 years he's had zero physical or romantic contact a his wife who remains far away and that he's only been a me. If I reference dating other men since there's obvi no formal commitment between us, he goes berserk and will do anything to get me not to do it

August 3, 2022

12 minutes ago, Pistachio0 said:

Guess what the current status of this is... Him saying he doesn't want to get divorced to ruin his children's lives and a!so give away all of his money and potentially have little access to his children (he's said it in that way, panicked \ i don't know what has transpired to make him say that?) . But continuing to assert that in the last 4 years he's had zero physical or romantic contact a his wife who remains far away and that he's only been a me. If I reference dating other men since there's obvi no formal commitment between us, he goes berserk and will do anything to get me not to do it

It was said on this forum somewhere that only 5 percent of men actually leave their wives for their AP. Guess what? This guy falls into a 95 percent category that never leave Doesn't matter whether or not he is being intimate with his wife. He is probably lying to you about that one but really, who cares? Whether it staying with her because of the finances, kids, whatever, doesn't matter why. He is never going to leave his wife. Don't waste anymore time on him. Seriously, move on.

August 3, 2022

2 hours ago, Pistachio0 said:

If I reference dating other men since there's obvi no formal commitment between us, he goes berserk and will do anything to get me not to do it

The bolded has me worried. If you were to end the relationship, would you be safe from him?

Edited August 3, 2022 by basil67

August 3, 2022

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

The bolded has me worried. If you were to end the relationship, would you be safe from him?

And yet, end this relationship is exactly what I would do. Today.

Four years is far too long for this to still be going on…

Edited August 3, 2022 by BaileyB

August 3, 2022

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

And yet, end this relationship is exactly what I would do. Today.

Four years is far too long for this to still be going on…

To answer the question would I feel safe… he does some super minor stalkerish things like asking where I’m going to eat with a guy and then looking up when the restaurant closes & interrogating me if I don’t respond to texts after that, or looking at my Facebook active status time and threatening to stop talking to me if it seems like I’m messaging others concomitantly, but I definitely don’t see him doing anything serious ever. I don’t want to end it, though. Four years really is a long time and I feel like in some lame way, we are withstanding the test of longevity. I mean given how badly he says his wife wants a divorce (and I def got that sens the time I spoke w her), maybe it’ll all dissipate someday, and in the meantime things are so passionate the times we actually do see each other

August 3, 2022

1 hour ago, Pistachio0 said:

Four years really is a long time and I feel like in some lame way, we are withstanding the test of longevity.

Sunk cost fallacy. Google search this.

1 hour ago, Pistachio0 said:

he does some super minor stalkerish things like asking where I’m going to eat with a guy and then looking up when the restaurant closes & interrogating me if I don’t respond to texts after that, or looking at my Facebook active status time and threatening to stop talking to me if it seems like I’m messaging others concomitantly

For these reasons alone I would end the relationship, whether he is single or married. This would be dealbreaker behavior.

August 3, 2022

14 hours ago, Pistachio0 said:

Him saying he doesn't want to get divorced to ruin his children's lives and a!so give away all of his money and potentially have little access to his children

He has chosen to return to his family and told you that he does not intend to divorce his wife. In what way are you “winning” here? And how exactly is this “withstanding the test of longevity?”

Quote

I mean given how badly he says his wife wants a divorce

Should we assume that he is among the group of conflict avoidant men who are waiting for their wives to do the heavy lifting and file for divorce?

Edited August 3, 2022 by BaileyB

August 3, 2022

1 hour ago, Pistachio0 said:

in the meantime things are so passionate the times we actually do see each other

Stalking and creepy behaviors are not about love but possessiveness. Just like cheating on his wife is not about whatever excuse he told you. He's basically selfish because both these behaviors of treating you and his wife like chattel is all about him. Sure the sex is good, but how long is that going to last? Affairs are like a slot machines. The thrill of the "what ifs". With appropriate therapy you can get to the root of why you're involved in self-defeating behaviors.

August 3, 2022

3 hours ago, Pistachio0 said:

To answer the question would I feel safe… he does some super minor stalkerish things like asking where I’m going to eat with a guy and then looking up when the restaurant closes & interrogating me if I don’t respond to texts after that, or looking at my Facebook active status time and threatening to stop talking to me if it seems like I’m messaging others concomitantly, but I definitely don’t see him doing anything serious ever. I don’t want to end it, though. Four years really is a long time and I feel like in some lame way, we are withstanding the test of longevity. I mean given how badly he says his wife wants a divorce (and I def got that sens the time I spoke w her), maybe it’ll all dissipate someday, and in the meantime things are so passionate the times we actually do see each other

Those are controlling behaviours from a person out of control, still married, life in disarray. Four years is a long time. It’s time to end it and move on.

August 4, 2022

4 hours ago, glows said:

Those are controlling behaviours from a person out of control, still married, life in disarray.

You are right but I love the control… one night I told him where I was going on a date so he could stalk and watch then come over straight after and have sex with me…tell me when I make him angry and that he’ll work to do it better when he’s jealous…That is why this is irreplaceable to me- the darkness and our same wavelength

Edited August 4, 2022 by Pistachio0

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