I (BS) Lost that Loving Feeling. Want it Back

[Buffer]

Hi TLN,

you have a well written email, you didn’t attack, lie or miss represent your feelings.

No one here has a agenda to push, ‘all cheaters should be branded etc’. Just offering advice fro:what they see. 
You are still communicating, living life, surrounded with your children and the ones who must be spoilt, grandchildren!

If you feel you need that teen love, talk this out with IC and well as FWW. The years of her former ways, are hard to get passed. You can and already may have forgiven, but brother; you can never forget. Talk about forgiveness.

one day at a time

Buffer

[JS84]

I really think he needs to focus on himself moreso than his wife. Instead of trying to force feelings for his wife like a 16 year old boy with his first girlfriend, maybe accept that he just doesn't love his wife the way he used to and never will.

If what he says is accurate he's been co-dependent with a horrible wife for almost 4 decades. It's pretty apparent he's not walking away from his marriage regardless of what she's done. Which is fine and his choice. But that leaves him with what exactly??? A woman who took 37 years to treat her husband with respect, kindness, and honesty after repeatedly cheating on him??? He hasn't exactly had a prize by his side over the years and I imagine that fact hits home more and more everyday, especially for the past 11 months. 

And honestly what choice did his wife have after he finally decided to show he still had a pair?? She's probably just as co-dependent as he is. Of course when he threatened to drop kick her to the curb she changed her tune. She's not trying to start over or be alone anymore than he is at her age. 

This is one of those cases where I think a trial separation (which I'm usually against) would actually do the couples both some good. I still feel OP needs to get some perspective while dealing with his co-dependency and I think his wife got off with little to no consequences and I doubt her behavior is going to last anyway on it's own. I think a separation would help drive home for her that they're not out of the woods.

[HappySenior]

I happened in on your topic tonight - and it seems somewhat serendipitous. I'll tell you why.  

Some fourteen years ago, I lost my then husband due to an affair. Not mine, of which I had had several, but his. A big difference between your spouse and me is that I never lied to him and only one of the three affairs ever went physical. But like with you, the resentment built up in him over the years and I was in the process of exiting the last affair (strictly online) when he met someone at work who perceived his unhappiness and moved right in.  I got him to promise to leave her, tell her so, get us counseling, and I would as well, no longer talk to the man online. (He was also a mentor for some projects I was working on.)

Why did I have affairs. They were at different times in our life, but usually it was because I was feeling neglected through his workaholic nature. He was afraid of being a failure as his parents were before him and they were alcoholic. There's a lot that goes into this, but most of my part is because I didn't like myself. I had family struggles, few friends most of my life and I was gaining weight almost constantly.  But the worst part was that I was coddled to the point of not being able to grow emotionally. A little bit here and there, but one telling thing is that anytime anyone got mad at me on the internet I cried buckets - at 50 years old!

Anyway, long story short; he was already in limerence with her by the time I found out about it and made the choice to throw me under the bus - which is rare. Even rarer is the fact that they are still married 14 years later. I don't know if he's really happy, though I'm sure he was at first, but from what I hear he seems -comfortable-.  And he likely will never leave her.

So what happened to me? Well, I grew up, mostly. After almost committing suicide once, I decided I'd better become a person who liked myself. At first it was hoping to get him back, then thinking I might find someone who could love me, and now, finally, not caring too much about that but caring about "being right with God".  I also tried getting married again, but due to the ex being abusive, that didn't work out. Nowadays I have occasional work, spend lots of time friends (when there isn't a quarantine on),

I wish it were different. I wish I'd grown up emotionally sooner. We'll never have an intact family again. I spend time with the child I had when he and I married - and my grandchildren. I don't see the child we had together, because that one has become very angry with me. I don't know if it's because of the craziness that the divorce caused me or because he felt it was my fault (which it mostly was) but so be it.  That ex only sees that child every so many years because they live far apart and he is still the workaholic as well as having a new wife and her grandchild around. He's lost track of all my siblings and doesn't have much family of his own. I kind of feel sorry for him.

So there is that - if you and your wife split, the family will never be intact again. I was 50 when the ex divorced me. I had ten years of adventures before I got married again and divorced two years later. Chances of finding a good fit after the age of 50 is not good, I can tell you, let alone later on. People get set in their ways and as older adults it is hard to fall deep enough to adjust to a new person.

I still love him, which is why it was a mistake for me to try to marry again.  I saw potential in a new marriage; however it was not the emotionally comfortable marriage I had thought it could be and it was constantly turning into a battle to save my spirit. I miss that kind of emotional comfort. 

I think the two who told you she needs to get passionate about something other than you may have hit on something. I think my ex held onto me for so long because I had hobbies or school almost constantly and had interesting things to talk about. I still do; he let go because of the combination of resentment towards me and falling for someone else.  You are indeed ripe for an affair; but it is rare for a relationship so late to work out - and then there's how your children will feel about you as well.

I know some here will put this down, but one of the things that opened my eyes and made me see reality was Marriage Builders. It has worked for some and it is worth a try. Relationships are intricate. Yes, it's Christian based - but Harley is a psychologist and most of what he promotes is based on human nature. Although, with what your wife is doing vis a' vis being transparent, it sound like she may be familiar with it. At this point, if that hasn't been tried, you have nothing to lose. It is a program of rebuilding after an affair.

It was listening and reading about other couples that made me realize what I had done, as well as seeing I had taken the wrong way to solve the problem. See my first two affairs were about feeling neglected and trying to get attention. It worked for that, he became more attentive for a while. The last one was about me feeling useless and having no goals in life and finding someone who gave me a purpose (other than homemaking and raising children) for maybe the first time in my life - at a time when my family had moved away and I was home alone all day.  These are not in any way excuses; but this is the background.

You are comfortable with your wife. The sex is great. But you have resentment you have held down for many years and I would imagine there is part of you that wants to punish her for her misdeeds by withholding love. I understand that because in some sense I withheld my love from my ex in exactly that way just before the end. I convinced myself the affair didn't matter because I was going to leave him anyway - which was me lying to myself. I was resentful like you are now and because of that, didn't realize what I had.

People are very judgmental about those who have affairs. They say they can't change; that's not necessarily true. With so many people committing infidelity today, there has to be a certain percentage that can and do change. Those of us who are older are more likely to witness those who have changed.

Also look at whether resentment might be causing depression. There is already a likelihood of depression hitting somewhere in the 50's and 60's anyway, and if you are carrying around the burden of resentment as well that is bound to cause trouble. Leaving your marriage may cause a little more excitement in your life for a while, but it will not cure that resentment of it's own; it will distract temporarily.

So think about it. Check out Dr. Harley's stuff; much of it is free online. He can help with dealing with resentment and anger as well.  See if your wife can't get into something she is passionate about and less focused on you. If you do end up splitting, she will need something else. Because if she is that much into you, she could go off the deep end if you two split. I very much did. 

It doesn't sound like you have very much to lose. A lot here are young (not all) and think it is very easy to just pick up and start over with a new life and with someone else. But what I've experienced is that when the family is broken up (especially if that's all you've had for decades) life just never feels quite put back together. The most I hope for (assuming the ex never returns) is someday finding someone peaceful and kind enough to enjoy life with. For now, that's my friends.

 

[DKT3]

@HappySenior you should start your own thread. I think there is alot there.

I find it interesting that you believe you are only partially responsible for your multiple affairs 

But as it pertains to this topic, fear is no reason to stay with someone you dont love. He doesn't love his wife anymore.  Yours is a perspective where you still love your ex, and you feel you blew up your marriage. 

I agree that it would not take much for another woman to pull his attention away. 

Lastly it is very common for a  betrayed husband to toss his wayward wife aside for another woman, there are actually quite a few stories here where that very thing has happened. 

[HappySenior]

7 hours ago, DKT3 said:

@HappySenior you should start your own thread. I think there is alot there.

I find it interesting that you believe you are only partially responsible for your multiple affairs 

But as it pertains to this topic, fear is no reason to stay with someone you dont love. He doesn't love his wife anymore.  Yours is a perspective where you still love your ex, and you feel you blew up your marriage. 

I agree that it would not take much for another woman to pull his attention away. 

Lastly it is very common for a  betrayed husband to toss his wayward wife aside for another woman, there are actually quite a few stories here where that very thing has happened. 

Let me clarify: I was partially responsible for the -divorce-.  I am fully responsible for my affairs that led to the divorce, just as he was responsible for his affair.  Because I had been so bad during the marriage, I bent over backwards to not make waves during separation, not bothering him, and I did a lot of things that made it easier for him to divorce me (like stupidly sending him to a hotel when he appeared to be depressed after a confrontation with her; buying a house and moving out somewhat later). 

No, fear is not a reason to stay with someone. But as they say, it can be foolish to use a permanent solution for what might be a temporary condition. It's difficult to tell what's temporary and what's permanent until you at least attempt to fix what's wrong. Anger makes people do stupid things. That's what causes affairs oftentimes; is anger. And being in an affair can make your spouse look less desirable... until the affair partner starts showing their flaws.

It is statistically (not anecdotally) common for an affair marriage to fall apart. Yes it happens, but it is much less common to last more than a decade. 

And this is not my thread. I don't need a thread since I have discussed it elsewhere.  I just felt moved to speak because I have a unique (and similar from the opposite side) viewpoint. You see I don't know whether my ex is any happier since he was never a very ecstatic type of person to begin with. He's still working when he could have been retiring about now, because he felt he had to give her the same style life that I had. 

But in this case, their sex life is great and they are getting along. Resentment can block out the ability to receive love from someone but it doesn't necessarily last life long. People do fall back in love on occasion after they've gotten past the resentment.  I had a friend who's parents divorced, got back together ten years later and were happy, then the wife died - very sad. 

Resentment over anything that has passed brings a desire to punish. It buries love, but that doesn't mean that love is completely dead; just that you can't feel it. Separation may work to find out, but there is also a chance that one or both will end up dating someone else and be led away by an initial infatuation rather than by actual loss of love. At least he would have the satisfaction of knowing he tried everything. My ex didn't even bother with marriage counseling, though he had promised to.

[pepperbird]

9 hours ago, HappySenior said:

I happened in on your topic tonight - and it seems somewhat serendipitous. I'll tell you why.  

Some fourteen years ago, I lost my then husband due to an affair. Not mine, of which I had had several, but his. A big difference between your spouse and me is that I never lied to him and only one of the three affairs ever went physical. But like with you, the resentment built up in him over the years and I was in the process of exiting the last affair (strictly online) when he met someone at work who perceived his unhappiness and moved right in.  I got him to promise to leave her, tell her so, get us counseling, and I would as well, no longer talk to the man online. (He was also a mentor for some projects I was working on.)

Why did I have affairs. They were at different times in our life, but usually it was because I was feeling neglected through his workaholic nature. He was afraid of being a failure as his parents were before him and they were alcoholic. There's a lot that goes into this, but most of my part is because I didn't like myself. I had family struggles, few friends most of my life and I was gaining weight almost constantly.  But the worst part was that I was coddled to the point of not being able to grow emotionally. A little bit here and there, but one telling thing is that anytime anyone got mad at me on the internet I cried buckets - at 50 years old!

Anyway, long story short; he was already in limerence with her by the time I found out about it and made the choice to throw me under the bus - which is rare. Even rarer is the fact that they are still married 14 years later. I don't know if he's really happy, though I'm sure he was at first, but from what I hear he seems -comfortable-.  And he likely will never leave her.

So what happened to me? Well, I grew up, mostly. After almost committing suicide once, I decided I'd better become a person who liked myself. At first it was hoping to get him back, then thinking I might find someone who could love me, and now, finally, not caring too much about that but caring about "being right with God".  I also tried getting married again, but due to the ex being abusive, that didn't work out. Nowadays I have occasional work, spend lots of time friends (when there isn't a quarantine on),

I wish it were different. I wish I'd grown up emotionally sooner. We'll never have an intact family again. I spend time with the child I had when he and I married - and my grandchildren. I don't see the child we had together, because that one has become very angry with me. I don't know if it's because of the craziness that the divorce caused me or because he felt it was my fault (which it mostly was) but so be it.  That ex only sees that child every so many years because they live far apart and he is still the workaholic as well as having a new wife and her grandchild around. He's lost track of all my siblings and doesn't have much family of his own. I kind of feel sorry for him.

So there is that - if you and your wife split, the family will never be intact again. I was 50 when the ex divorced me. I had ten years of adventures before I got married again and divorced two years later. Chances of finding a good fit after the age of 50 is not good, I can tell you, let alone later on. People get set in their ways and as older adults it is hard to fall deep enough to adjust to a new person.

I still love him, which is why it was a mistake for me to try to marry again.  I saw potential in a new marriage; however it was not the emotionally comfortable marriage I had thought it could be and it was constantly turning into a battle to save my spirit. I miss that kind of emotional comfort. 

I think the two who told you she needs to get passionate about something other than you may have hit on something. I think my ex held onto me for so long because I had hobbies or school almost constantly and had interesting things to talk about. I still do; he let go because of the combination of resentment towards me and falling for someone else.  You are indeed ripe for an affair; but it is rare for a relationship so late to work out - and then there's how your children will feel about you as well.

I know some here will put this down, but one of the things that opened my eyes and made me see reality was Marriage Builders. It has worked for some and it is worth a try. Relationships are intricate. Yes, it's Christian based - but Harley is a psychologist and most of what he promotes is based on human nature. Although, with what your wife is doing vis a' vis being transparent, it sound like she may be familiar with it. At this point, if that hasn't been tried, you have nothing to lose. It is a program of rebuilding after an affair.

It was listening and reading about other couples that made me realize what I had done, as well as seeing I had taken the wrong way to solve the problem. See my first two affairs were about feeling neglected and trying to get attention. It worked for that, he became more attentive for a while. The last one was about me feeling useless and having no goals in life and finding someone who gave me a purpose (other than homemaking and raising children) for maybe the first time in my life - at a time when my family had moved away and I was home alone all day.  These are not in any way excuses; but this is the background.

You are comfortable with your wife. The sex is great. But you have resentment you have held down for many years and I would imagine there is part of you that wants to punish her for her misdeeds by withholding love. I understand that because in some sense I withheld my love from my ex in exactly that way just before the end. I convinced myself the affair didn't matter because I was going to leave him anyway - which was me lying to myself. I was resentful like you are now and because of that, didn't realize what I had.

People are very judgmental about those who have affairs. They say they can't change; that's not necessarily true. With so many people committing infidelity today, there has to be a certain percentage that can and do change. Those of us who are older are more likely to witness those who have changed.

Also look at whether resentment might be causing depression. There is already a likelihood of depression hitting somewhere in the 50's and 60's anyway, and if you are carrying around the burden of resentment as well that is bound to cause trouble. Leaving your marriage may cause a little more excitement in your life for a while, but it will not cure that resentment of it's own; it will distract temporarily.

So think about it. Check out Dr. Harley's stuff; much of it is free online. He can help with dealing with resentment and anger as well.  See if your wife can't get into something she is passionate about and less focused on you. If you do end up splitting, she will need something else. Because if she is that much into you, she could go off the deep end if you two split. I very much did. 

It doesn't sound like you have very much to lose. A lot here are young (not all) and think it is very easy to just pick up and start over with a new life and with someone else. But what I've experienced is that when the family is broken up (especially if that's all you've had for decades) life just never feels quite put back together. The most I hope for (assuming the ex never returns) is someday finding someone peaceful and kind enough to enjoy life with. For now, that's my friends.

 

What you say makes a lot of sense, and it sure sounds like you have been extremely honest with yourself and faced some hard truths.

[TooLateNow]

20 hours ago, usa1ah said:

Why in the world did you stay?

 

She cheats several times. 
 

Then she treats you like s*** for many years during and after the last affair. 
 

Why did you not leave her? Why do you want the loving feeling back after she showed you what she actually thought of you? 
 

Sounds like you enjoy the pain. 

Of course I do not enjoy the pain.

In the past, I probably stayed because of fear and codependency as others have suggested and also because of our kids.  Probably not great reasons, but the past is the past.

As far as why I am now staying, as I stated in my email to her:

"I do care about you and do not want to hurt you."  We have been together since we were 17 years old and for our entire adult life. We have had three children together, seven grandchildren together, and lost one of our children together.  We have been through so much more together.  Even though I was pretty young when we met, by that time I had been on my own for a few years because my parents kicked me out due to me being a violent, out of control, major drug dealer who was constantly in all kinds of trouble and had no respect for anyone.  She made me want to be a better person and probably saved me from myself and likely either an early death or at least a life in and out of prison.  As horribly as she has treated me, I cannot forget all of that and I cannot help but care about her.  Also, I resolved long ago to be a good person and I do not want to hurt her or anyone else.  I know I go to great extremes in being too nice of a guy, and I am trying to work on that, but I spent way too long at the other extreme and feel horrible about that and all the people I badly hurt physically and emotionally and never want to turn back to being a person like that or a person who is not kind to others regardless.

"I also always want to be a man of integrity whose word is his bond."  I told her if she stopped cheating and disrespecting me and treated me like I deserved to treated then I would stay.  She has done that and more for nearly a year.  I do not want to break my word.  I know she broke her word and our vows and lied to me many times over and horribly betrayed me and abused me, but I do not base my morality on the morality of others. I do not give myself a pass to break my word and lessen my integrity just because someone else did.  Even when I was a horrible person oh so many years ago I was not a liar.  I have always valued my word and my integrity and do not plan to change that ever.

"I would also not want to upset our children or grandchildren."  My children and grandchildren would be devastated if we split up, especially if they discovered what she had done.  I could not bear that.  We are very close as a family.  Also, my oldest daughter has a 10 year old son who has been battling cancer for about 8 1/2  years and her husband has also had a brain aneurysm and she has enough misery in her life without me adding to it by leaving her mother.

"I also do not want to be alone or to try start over with someone else (which I would probably never do even if we are not together)."  I have never been alone in my life.  My parents had seven children.  Even after they kicked me out I spent a lot of time with my siblings.   I also generally had a roommate or roommates most of the time after my parents booted me until my wife and I got together and moved in together at age 17.  And I pretty much always had a girlfriend from about the age of 10.  I do not think I could handle being alone.  I really would not pursue another relationship with a woman because this one was way too hard.  I also think I would never trust any woman even if she deserved to be trusted.  I think that is broken beyond repair in me.

"I also do not ever want to have to explain any of this to anyone (other than maybe a psychologist again if necessary) because it is humiliating and emasculating to me."  I think if I left there would have to be some kind of explanation, and I do not want anyone to know about this.  It is completely humiliating to me.  I know I should not be embarrassed by what she did, but I am.  I cannot help that.  It does not matter what my mind understands; my feelings override that unfortunately.

As I also mentioned in my email to her, there are a lot of fun things we do together now and  I do now enjoy her company since she has so drastically changed.  Also, I love the awesome sex, which is every day with extremely rare exception and often more than once a day.  I know she uses sex to manipulate me, but I do not care.  I like sex.

Some of you may think my reasons are good.  Many of you clearly think my reasons are just plain stupid.  I think I am either a man of great strength or a total idiot, or maybe some combination of the two.  But if things continue as they are I will not be leaving.  If they change, that may be a different story.  But I hope it never happens.  I may not be ecstatic with my life, but I am content.

[TooLateNow]

21 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Codependency and fear. If my memory is correct OP is roughly 58-59 and has been with his wife 40 years. It's hard to mature as an individual when you've been together your entire adulthood,  that creates codependency.  Almost as importantly,  the fear. He doesn't know anything else,  with retirement around the corner I can only imagine how difficult it is to think about starting over.  I'm sure the idea of his wife is far more comforting then not. The problem is he no longer loves his wife and is trying to force it.

I just turned 57 last month.  And you are pretty much dead on in the rest of your post. I think I kind of still love my wife most of the time but not in the same way as before, but I might just be fooling myself.

[TooLateNow]

21 hours ago, usa1ah said:

Unbelievable, I just read your message to your wife. Just damn, can not see any redeeming qualities in her for you to have stayed in a living hell for 38 years. 
 

Best of luck, I just can’t think of any advice. I would say think back to the good memories from before she cheated. Can you even remember them?

It is definitely difficult to remember too many good times from the past and most of those memories now feel tainted.  However, we had some fun trips in the old days and always enjoyed time together with our kids and now our grandkids.

[TooLateNow]

21 hours ago, usa1ah said:

So he only had 2 good years before she started having sex with others. So no real good memories at all

actually, the first time she cheated on me was when we were living together before we got married, so not even two years.

[TooLateNow]

21 hours ago, DKT3 said:

If I had to bet, I would place money on him only knowing a faction of what his wife was up to over the past 4 decades, like 1/32. She was horrendous as he described it, and only got it together after he told her to leave.

I think I have all the basic facts now and know of all the affair partners and most of the important things I want to know.  I am sure I do not know all the details because there are things she "cannot remember because it was so long ago."  At this point, I am past the point of wanting more details.  But you are correct, there could be more she remembers but just is not telling me, but I really do not think that is the case.

[TooLateNow]

20 hours ago, Buffer said:

Hi TLN,

you have a well written email, you didn’t attack, lie or miss represent your feelings.

No one here has a agenda to push, ‘all cheaters should be branded etc’. Just offering advice fro:what they see. 
You are still communicating, living life, surrounded with your children and the ones who must be spoilt, grandchildren!

If you feel you need that teen love, talk this out with IC and well as FWW. The years of her former ways, are hard to get passed. You can and already may have forgiven, but brother; you can never forget. Talk about forgiveness.

one day at a time

Buffer

Thank you.

My grandchildren are SUPER spoiled by me, sometimes to the displeasure of my kids, but oh well.

I no longer feel I need teen love.  I did discuss it with my psychologist. It really springs from one of my issues, namely, having idealistic and unrealistic expectations. 

I now understand it would be virtually impossible to maintain that type of love for 40 years even without there having been betrayal and emotional abuse.

I have tried to discuss this as nicely as possible with my wife.  I think the problem for her is that she is just now finally getting to that kind of love and it is hard for her to see why I am not right there with her, although she does understand that she basically killed that in me a long time ago.  

You are right about never being able to forget.  That was one of the first things my psychologist struggled with trying to get me to accept, that is, it was not realistic for me to expect to be able to wipe my memory.

[TooLateNow]

20 hours ago, JS84 said:

I really think he needs to focus on himself moreso than his wife. Instead of trying to force feelings for his wife like a 16 year old boy with his first girlfriend, maybe accept that he just doesn't love his wife the way he used to and never will.

If what he says is accurate he's been co-dependent with a horrible wife for almost 4 decades. It's pretty apparent he's not walking away from his marriage regardless of what she's done. Which is fine and his choice. But that leaves him with what exactly??? A woman who took 37 years to treat her husband with respect, kindness, and honesty after repeatedly cheating on him??? He hasn't exactly had a prize by his side over the years and I imagine that fact hits home more and more everyday, especially for the past 11 months. 

And honestly what choice did his wife have after he finally decided to show he still had a pair?? She's probably just as co-dependent as he is. Of course when he threatened to drop kick her to the curb she changed her tune. She's not trying to start over or be alone anymore than he is at her age. 

This is one of those cases where I think a trial separation (which I'm usually against) would actually do the couples both some good. I still feel OP needs to get some perspective while dealing with his co-dependency and I think his wife got off with little to no consequences and I doubt her behavior is going to last anyway on it's own. I think a separation would help drive home for her that they're not out of the woods.

I think you are mostly correct.

However, I am no longer trying to force the teenage boy feelings.

Her wake up did not come because I threatened to leave her.  It came when she told me she was now "the victim" because I could not "get over it."  I told I did not want her to be unhappy and that if she was that unhappy she should leave and I would not make it hard for her.  Again, too much of a nice guy.  THEN she started waking up.

Then I woke up and also got help and then I stood up for myself and that REALLY woke her up as I stopped being such a pushover.

At one point I did suggest a short separation.  She talked me out of that. I also suggested an in house separation.  She talked me out of that, too.  I also suggested that we take a break from all the sex and told her that I felt she was always "muddling my head with sex," and she talked me out of that as well (but it did not take much convincing on her part to be honest).  

But in spite of all that, she did change and is now treating me great.  I hope it will last.  We will see.

She knows we are not out of the woods. She knows she will have to be consistent over the long haul.  Based on my history with her, she may think she could just get me to cave again if she lets up, but I do not think she wants to do that now.  I think she is sincere and is really happy with where we are and she also definitely is extremely remorseful.

[usa1ah]

Really don’t have any advice for someone that sits there and takes it. 

[understand50]

11 hours ago, usa1ah said:

Really don’t have any advice for someone that sits there and takes it. 

OK, so he has decided to stay with her no matter what. IF she started up again, and he would accept it.  Why, is deep in his make up.  Only thing I got from his story, is when he did show some back bone, she changed, at least for now.  Because of both getting older, she may work to better herself and marriage.   I guess this works for him.  Not every man is strong.  Not every man will stand up for themselves.  He will justify it in his mind, and nothing we say will change that, nor anything she does.  They have a marriage.  They have a relationship, and it works for them. 

He may, if he is not doing it now, wonder what could have been if he had been stronger, but as he is not going to change, he will never know just what he could have had. Sometimes you stay because of the kids.  Sometime because you are afraid of being alone, and sometimes you are just weak.  Other times, and we have seen it here with strong BS giving a second chance, you work to change the situation, as the WS does as well. True reconciliation, is not for the faint of hart, but rolling over is.

I wish him luck.....

[WilyWill]

God, she's so awful and manipulative. She wanted you to feel shame and guilt, so she put on her victim hat. But then when she saw that it was making her gravy train pull out of the station, she put on the remorseful wife hat. Aren't you the least bit suspicious of her sudden transformation?

I'm really having trouble seeing any redeeming qualities in your wife. If she feels so bad, she'd be happy to give you a divorce with a favorable settlement. But watch what happens if you propose this. She will never do anything that is disadvantageous to herself.

Edited June 13, 2020 by WilyWill

[JS84]

I also honestly question if she's really being a great wife or if she's been so s***ty for so long, even basic common decency seems like a vast improvement.

[Buffer]

How you doing TLN?

[TooLateNow]

On 3/6/2020 at 6:48 PM, Bryanp said:

 

9 hours ago, WilyWill said:

God, she's so awful and manipulative. She wanted you to feel shame and guilt, so she put on her victim hat. But then when she saw that it was making her gravy train pull out of the station, she put on the remorseful wife hat. Aren't you the least bit suspicious of her sudden transformation?

I'm really having trouble seeing any redeeming qualities in your wife. If she feels so bad, she'd be happy to give you a divorce with a favorable settlement. But watch what happens if you propose this. She will never do anything that is disadvantageous to herself.

I was suspicious at one point and told her that in an angry way, at least angry for me, which is probably not too angry. I think she is sincere. 
 

At one point she felt so bad about what she did and hated herself so much she offered to leave and take nothing but asked if she could just have her car. She said she would tell our kids what she had done so no one would think I was the bad guy (but our kids saw how I treated her and she treated me and know I am definitely not the bad guy but just do not know about the cheating). She would have been in a bad spot with really nowhere to go and no resources and virtually no earning capacity. I did not want that and told her I wanted her to stay. Then she changed dramatically. She is remorseful and grateful. 

Edited June 13, 2020 by TooLateNow

[TooLateNow]

4 hours ago, JS84 said:

I also honestly question if she's really being a great wife or if she's been so s***ty for so long, even basic common decency seems like a vast improvement.

She is now being a great wife. Late in the game but truly amazing. 

[WilyWill]

1 minute ago, TooLateNow said:

... she offered to leave and take nothing but asked if she could just have her car. She said she would tell our kids what she had done so no one would think I was the bad guy...

I would take her up on both these offers, because I don't believe she's being sincere. If the kids don't know, she should tell them now. When she leaves with just the car and finds a new apartment, you can support her to whatever extent you wish, whether you're married or not. My guess is that you'll see her demeanor change rapidly into the person she really is. 

[TooLateNow]

4 hours ago, Buffer said:

How you doing TLN?

I am doing well. We just got to Vegas last night for a week of fun!  Thanks for asking and being helpful and supportive and an all around good guy!

[usa1ah]

10 hours ago, TooLateNow said:

 

I was suspicious at one point and told her that in an angry way, at least angry for me, which is probably not too angry. I think she is sincere. 
 

At one point she felt so bad about what she did and hated herself so much she offered to leave and take nothing but asked if she could just have her car. She said she would tell our kids what she had done so no one would think I was the bad guy (but our kids saw how I treated her and she treated me and know I am definitely not the bad guy but just do not know about the cheating). She would have been in a bad spot with really nowhere to go and no resources and virtually no earning capacity. I did not want that and told her I wanted her to stay. Then she changed dramatically. She is remorseful and grateful. 

Don’t believe for a minute she had nowhere to go. 

[usa1ah]

On 6/12/2020 at 10:24 AM, understand50 said:

OK, so he has decided to stay with her no matter what. IF she started up again, and he would accept it.  Why, is deep in his make up.  Only thing I got from his story, is when he did show some back bone, she changed, at least for now.  Because of both getting older, she may work to better herself and marriage.   I guess this works for him.  Not every man is strong.  Not every man will stand up for themselves.  He will justify it in his mind, and nothing we say will change that, nor anything she does.  They have a marriage.  They have a relationship, and it works for them. 

He may, if he is not doing it now, wonder what could have been if he had been stronger, but as he is not going to change, he will never know just what he could have had. Sometimes you stay because of the kids.  Sometime because you are afraid of being alone, and sometimes you are just weak.  Other times, and we have seen it here with strong BS giving a second chance, you work to change the situation, as the WS does as well. True reconciliation, is not for the faint of hart, but rolling over is.

I wish him luck.....

Of course she will now. She is no longer a spring chicken and she has been with all the guys she has wanted to. So now is the time to secure the family nest so she isn’t left in the cold. 
 

 

[usa1ah]

10 to 1 she tries something in Vegas.