Bipolarwifey Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 What can I say? My husband and I are still in our early 30s/late 20s. We have been married four years and been dating twice that. Our relationship has always been rocky and volatile — I was suffering from PTSD and depression/anxiety in the beginning, and my husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder recently. Safe to say, we both have such horrible mental health issues. We trigger each other and while the good times are good, they don’t last long or come often anymore. I feel broken. We have talked about separation and divorce but finally I’m stuck since I don’t have a job and I’m so embarrassed to admit to others that our marriage is a failure. Other couples tell me that we are so great together and that they aspire to be like us. It’s all a sham. I feel unsafe around my husband when he is in a manic or angry mood. He hasn’t hit me but he will hit himself or hit walls. It’s scary because he is 280 lbs and I’m less than half that. I’m a mess and I often think about suicide. But I’m too chicken to do it. Sigh.
snowboy91 Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 Others don't know what goes on behind closed doors, nor what goes on in either your or your partner's mind - so their perceptions aren't a good gauge for the health of your relationship. Being in a relationship with someone with mental health issues is tough enough, but when both partners have issues, it isn't going to work unless both partners are willing to understand the other's issues, as well as give each other enough emotional space to work on their own issues. It requires really good communication to ensure both partners can navigate each other's (and their own) problems, if they can be navigated at all. If you feel you're triggering each other then you may already be in an unhealthy dynamic which will be difficult (and potentially impossible) to fix. Are you discussing your feelings with a therapist? Are you open to attending MC together? 1
schlumpy Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 I think at this point you should look to better your own life. See what modern medicine can do for you. At a minimum you need to be stable. Then consider job training or going back to school with the intent of being employable. I was in the hospital a couple of years ago and the nurse that was checking me over disclosed to me she was bi-polar but on medication. This subject came up because I told her about the LSD like hallucinations I had suffered from the anesthetic they had used and that I considered the experience a glimpse into what it was like to be mentally ill. I don't know the extent of her illness. I'm sure there are different levels but here she was working and creating a life for herself in spite of it. I think you can do that also. Keep in mind your life didn't suddenly decline overnight. Whatever improvement you can create will be a step-by-step process that may take months or a few years to achieve. 3
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 14 minutes ago, schlumpy said: the nurse that was checking me over disclosed to me she was bi-polar but on medication. 15 minutes ago, schlumpy said: I don't know the extent of her illness. I'm sure there are different levels but here she was working and creating a life for herself in spite of it. I think you can do that also. The OP is not bipolar her husband is. He needs to be on his medication regularly. BUT this may not be a popular view but I am not a great fan of the idea that people,each with a mental illness should be together. Yes there is some common "understanding" of the issues faced but I doubt a guy who is so unstable you are scared of him is doing much good for your own mental well being. That would cause depression/anxiety in even the most stable secure individual. As you are still very young I would advise you to leave behind this rocky/volatile relationship and go seek happiness elsewhere. I am a great believer in the fact that many cases of depression/anxiety are founded almost solely on bad relationships and once a person is "free" from the source of their grief,, then the world can be a completely different place 1
schlumpy Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 You are right Elaine. I missed that one. I thought they were both bipolar. 1
spiritedaway2003 Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 (edited) Talk to a therapist. It’s not as important what everyone else thinks of the marriage as how you feel about it. I don’t believe that divorce is always the right answer. At the same time, the thing that concerns me in your post is that you said you are triggering each other. For your husband, it is important that he stays on his medication. But what is most important is that you both lead healthy lives (including in mind) so if you both trigger each other constantly, it doesn’t put either of you in healthy states. Have you already addressed these concerns with your husband? If not, that seems like a conversation to have. Also, seriously consider going to MC before either of you make any major life changes. Good luck. Edited March 5, 2020 by spiritedaway2003
alphamale Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 hey....how about you two get medical treatment for your respective psychiatric issues? and your husband needs to hit the gym and lose 100 lbs.
Redhead14 Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 (edited) It's time for you to divorce. You both are struggling with issues that neither of you have the skill set to deal with effectively. You can't help each other. This is a situation where you each need to take the steps to get real help and care for yourselves as individuals before you can be good partners for anyone. It's difficult enough if only one partner has "issues" but if both do, it's usually insurmountable. This is not going to turn around any time soon. There will be more damage before there is any good to come from addressing the individual issues. I'd usually try to keep the couple together but not in this case. Edited March 5, 2020 by Redhead14 1
Fletch Lives Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 6 minutes ago, Redhead14 said: It's time for you to divorce. You both are struggling with issues that neither of you have the skill set to deal with effectively. You can't help each other. This is a situation where you each need to take the steps to get real help and care for yourselves as individuals before you can be good partners for anyone. It's difficult enough if only one partner has "issues" but if both do, it's usually insurmountable. This is not going to turn around any time soon. There will be more damage before there is any good to come from addressing the individual issues. I'd usually try to keep the couple together but not in this case. - great post from the world's leading counselor.
preraph Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 You need to start taking steps to support yourself. if you are depressed then be sure you are on medication for the depression that usually accompanies PTSD. You should still be able to work. there's no point in staying with your husband if you're making each other's conditions worse.
Ellener Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 8 hours ago, Bipolarwifey said: Safe to say, we both have such horrible mental health issues. Sorry, I know first hand how difficult that is. Manage your mental illnesses first, as @preraph points out do that separately at first if necessary. Until your mental illnesses are managed- and millions of people do successfully manage their mental health problems for the majority of the time- you will just keep 'triggering each other'. Wishing you both well (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) 3
alphamale Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 1 hour ago, Ellener said: Sorry, I know first hand how difficult that is. Manage your mental illnesses first, as @preraph points out do that separately at first if necessary. Until your mental illnesses are managed- and millions of people do successfully manage their mental health problems for the majority of the time- you will just keep 'triggering each other'. Wishing you both well (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ^this
vla1120 Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 10 hours ago, Bipolarwifey said: I’m a mess and I often think about suicide. But I’m too chicken to do it. While I am glad you are too chicken to do it, you need to seek help about this sooner rather than later. With the two of you battling mental illness, there is no way you can have a mutually beneficial marriage unless you are BOTH willing to seek help and medication for your mental illness. But first, your primary concern should be your safety. You should not have to be afraid of your husband. I am not even sure whether the marriage is worth saving. First, I think you need to concentrate on your own mental health. Once you get to a place in your life where you feel you are a productive member of society (and it IS possible, with therapy and (most importantly) medication, THEN you can think about being in a marriage. When you do find yourself in that position, you may find that you do not WANT to be in a relationship where you might constantly be triggered, etc. For now, take care of yourself and your needs FIRST.
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